Richard Bean: Plays Two

Richard Bean

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN: 9781840026627
• eBook ISBN: 9781849436694
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Includes the plays Toast, Mr England, Smack Family Robinson, and Honeymoon Suite
'Suddenly with four new plays opening within 12 months, Richard Bean has become the playwright of the moment and now, in Honeymoon Suite, his most prestigious premiere to date, he has written what seems like the perfect play' The Financial Times on Honeymoon Suite 'Toast is as funny, touching, and brilliant an account of men at work as any we have had since David Storey's The Changing Room' The Spectator on Toast 'Cunningly effective' The Times on Mr England 'A brilliant black satire that plays on an Ortonesque reversal of values. Bean distributes deftly crafted, razor-sharp lines among a cast of characters who would sooner snort them than deliver them.' The Guardian on Smack Family Robinson

Richard Bean

TOAST

Characters

BLAKEY

the Chargehand

COLIN

the Spare Wank

CECIL

the Tinman on the Prover

PETER

the Tinner Up

NELLIE

the Mixer

DEZZIE

1st Oven Man

LANCE

2nd Oven Man, the Student

Toast was first performed at the Royal Court Theatre Upstairs at the New Ambassadors on 12 February 1999, with the following cast:

LANCE, Christopher Campbell

COLIN, Ian Dunn

PETER, Matthew Dunster

NELLIE, Ewan Hooper

CECIL, Sam Kelly

BLAKEY, Mark Williams

DEZZIE, Paul Wyett

Director Richard Wilson

Designer Julian McGowan

Contents

Scene 1

Scene 2

Scene 1

1975.

The smell of bread baking. The industrial thump, thump, thump of a bread plant oven drive.

The canteen of a bread factory. Stage right, along the wall, are various vending machines, and a hot water boiler over a sink with a mirror above. A health and safety notice board carries various notices and warnings, and has minutes of meetings stuck to it with drawing pins. An old joke notice, originally ‘YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE MAD TO WORK HERE – BUT IT HELPS!’, has been defaced and now reads simply ‘HELP!’ The original wording is crossed out but legible. There is a pay phone attached to the wall near the door. Next to that is a store cupboard. The floor is red industrial lino. From the door to the sink the floor is black with dirt and grease. A waste bin overflows with dead tea bags. The wall behind the bin is splattered with used tea bag hits and the floor about the bin has one or two tea bags which have missed their target. There is a partition running the whole length of the back wall. This partition is made up of two large glass windows either side of an opaque glass door. Through the stage right window we can see a flight of steel steps rising to the bread plant. Through the stage left window the steps descend to the ground floor, the offices and the locker room. Two large steel tables down-stage are arranged lengthways, parallel to the vending machines. There is a large clock above the door – it shows ten to three. There is no way of knowing whether it is morning or afternoon. Similarly there is no clue as to the season.

ROBERT BLAKEY enters from the bread plant. He is wearing baker’s whites, which have seen three or four shifts, and a striped office shirt with an open collar. He wears Buddy Holly style black spectacles. His hair is mid-seventies style with sideburns. His sleeves are rolled up. He is a physical man, prone to bouncing on his feet and touching his crotch unnecessarily. He has tattoos on each forearm. Slung over one shoulder is a holdall, over the other an acoustic guitar in a vinyl sleeve. He puts the holdall on the steel table nearest the sink and unzips it. The guitar he props against the table. He takes out a mug, a tea bag, and a small jam jar with a screw top which contains milk. He puts the tea bag in the mug, walks to the boiler and fills it with hot water. He continues emptying out the contents of his holdall, marking his territory on the steel table. He goes over to a hook on the wall and takes a wooden clipboard from a nail and begins to study his work sheets, making calculations, and notes with a pencil. He then stands and goes to the phone. He dials and speaks.

BLAKEY: Mr Beckett? – it’s me, Blakey… Oh, you know, mustn’t grumble…ha! Nowt else to do on a Sunday is there… Na! This bakehouse is my church. Look, Frank’s on holiday so I’m a man short, I’ll have to do spare wank mesen… A student? I don’t like students going on the ovens – their mothers complain… Aye, alright. …Finish? Oh, early enough. One o’clock mebbe. Tarra. Oh, did you do my reference for Bradford?… Ta. …Dunno what we’d do – our lass won’t leave Hull. Might ’ave to come and live with your lot at South Cave eh!? Ha! I could join your golf club Mr Beckett! …Ha, ha! Fucking right you wouldn’t! Alright, tarra.

(He puts the phone down.)

(Quietly.) Cunt.

(He takes his tea bag out of the mug, squeezes it, throws it at the bin and adds milk to his tea. He takes a sip. He takes his guitar out of the vinyl cover. After tuning the guitar incorrectly, he begins to play. He plays the first few bars badly and starts again. The second time he plays even worse.

Enter COLIN. BLAKEY, as if caught in an illicit act, abandons playing and makes as if tuning the guitar.)

COLIN: How do Blakey?

BLAKEY: Colin.

(COLIN is dressed in a blouson style leather jacket over baker’s whites and a white baker’s cap. He wears a white office shirt with short sleeves and a bakery workers’ union tie. He also wears a long apron which makes it look a little like he’s wearing a skirt. He puts his very large tupperware plastic lunch box on the table opposite BLAKEY and sits down.)

COLIN: D’you hear Beckett’s shagging that l...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Introduction
• TOAST
• MR ENGLAND
• SMACK FAMILY ROBINSON
• HONEYMOON SUITE