Pastoral

Thomas Eccleshare

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9781849434447
• eBook ISBN: 9781849438285
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Pastoral is set in a surreal future in which nature has gobbled up the high street and an old woman named Moll waits in her flat for the Ocado man. But when the ruthless trees and branches threaten to cut her off from the world, she is forced to leave home and make it in the wild forest that is the new England. The play is full of surprises – a story of danger and delight at the end of the world. Pastoral is the winning entry from the 2011 Verity Bargate Award, a nationwide competition to find the best new play by an emerging writer.

1.

A small flat with all the furniture removed. A door to the bathroom, a door to the bedroom and a front door to the hall. Upstage is a kitchenette with a window. On the window ledge are some flowers in a vase.

Grass, leaves and weeds are growing through the floorboards and under the doors.

In the only chair in the flat sits MOLL. By the door are two packed cases.

MOLL takes her handbag and slowly opens it.

Out of the handbag flies a fly. MOLL swipes at it and it disappears. She looks around her.

From her handbag she removes a compact mirror. She checks herself in the mirror. She replaces the mirror and withdraws from the bag a stick of lipstick, which she applies. Once finished she replaces the lipstick and checks the compact mirror again. She replaces the compact mirror and removes a tube of mascara from the bag, which she applies, carefully to each eye and then, having finished, checks the mirror. She replaces the compact mirror.

She removes from the bag an opened packet of pre-packaged fruit (anything that has been pre-sliced or pre-peeled will do). She eats the last of the fruit and places the empty pack in her bag.

She goes to the kitchenette. She picks up a food processor and places it in a large cardboard box. She opens a drawer, takes out an electric whisk and puts it in the cardboard box too. She unplugs the toaster on the kitchen top and puts it into the box. The kitchen is now bare.

She looks out of the window.

She looks back.

MOLL: Everyone out there is fat.

She looks out again.

Except...no, that's a lamp-post. Everyone out there is fat. There's four fat women, two fat men, five fat children and a fat infant. Suckling on her fat mum's breast. It's one of those milky, floppy breasts.

She mimes the breast.

She chuckles.

They're trying to jog. Bless them.

She takes a long sip of her tea.

She looks out again.

There's also a dog. A fat dog.

Pause.

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against the fat. Apart from on buses and planes. Or in lifts. Or in sexual situations, apart from with one another. I wouldn't want to get into a sexual situation with a fat. Not even on top. Imagine being in a sexual situation with a fat. Imagine it. It would be like being humped by a bouncy castle. A fat man: The breasts that flop. The wobbly flesh. The search for his prick in amongst the folds of wibbly flab. (She mimes a bit.) Having to flatten it out like a space on the beach so you can lie down.

A sip of tea.

No thanks.

She looks out again, this time for a bit longer.

Midsummer Place. A place. A piazza. Boots, Nandos, Gourmet Burger Kitchen. Zizzi. (Enjoying the word, flirting.) Zzzzizzi. I've not been.

Ever had a fat? Well exactly. I don't know how they reproduce.

A glance out.

Costa coffee's still open. A fat family sitting outside. Al Fresco. Like hippos in a swamp. They're being moved on.

I've got an order coming. Ocados. Bringing me my shopping. The good thing about Ocados is they'll shove it in colour coded bags. Cupboard, fridge...there's another one too. Cupboard, fridge. Red, purple...green. What's green? Anyway, Ocados're coming any minute with my weeklies.

(Looks out. Looks back at public, disgusted.) I mean fucking hell.

She drinks her tea.

Winston?... Pss, pss. Winston...?

Freezer! That's it.

She goes to the kitchen and gets a pre-packed cat food portion from a cupboard. She pulls off the silver foil sleeve and puts it on the floor.

She waits.

Last one. No more for Winston, no more for me.

Winston?

She looks out of the window again.

The family's gone.

There's another one though, outside the Haagen Dazs café. Skinny boy and two round parents. It's like they've been inflated.

Everything's growing.

Winston?

Silly mog.

There's a key in the door.

MANZ enters.

MANZ: Are you ready? Jesus, it's up here already.

MOLL: Was there anyone downstairs?

MANZ: No, they've gone.

MOLL: I told you. Everyone's going.

MANZ: Don't talk like that. They'll come back.

MOLL: How do you know?

MANZ: They left a note.

MOLL: Really? What did it say?

MANZ: They've gone on holiday. Just for a bit.

MOLL: Where to?

MANZ: Guernsey. Are you packed?

MOLL: I saw them leave.

MANZ: Moll.

MOLL: They had a lot of stuff.

MANZ: It's an adventure holiday. You...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Characters
• Contents
• Chapter 1
• APPENDIX
• Acknowledgements