The Motherf**ker with the Hat

Stephen Adly Guirgis

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN:
  9781783198085
• Edition: 1
• eBook ISBN:
  9781783198849
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: American Drama
• Index: Literature

Love and addiction in New York City.

Things are looking up for Jackie. He's out of jail and staying clean thanks to his sponsor. He might even have found a job. And of course there's Veronica, who he's loved since 8th grade. Nothing could come between them – except a hat. Poetic, profane and hilarious, this whip-smart look at love and addiction finds light even in the darkest corners of New York City.

SCENE 1

Late afternoon. A single room in a residential hotel in Times Square. Bottles. Ashtrays. Underwear. VERONICA is cleaning up. She talks on the phone, cleaning as she goes.

VERONICA: Yeah … Um-hm … Nah, Ma, I’m listening. I’m just cleaning … Cleaning! … ’Cuz Jackie don’t clean, and I like my shit clean, Ma — alright? Um-hmm … Um-hmm … Yeah, well, you know my opinion on that, Ma — you should dump his ass! … Ma – the guy’s an angry, bald, deadbeat alcoholic crook who looks like a fuckin’ fish, I’m sorry! … Yeah, well, I’m sure Attila the Hun had his good points too, but that don’t mean I’d wanna shack up in his hut! … Attila the Hun. You know, he was a Hun? … A Hun, Ma, a Hun, I dunno, a fucked-up guy — a fuckin’ Hun! … I am speaking louder … It’s ’cuz you drink too much, you shouldn’t do that – hold on a sec. (She spots a line of blow and snorts it.) Ma, let’s talk in the morning … Ma? … Ma? Okay, look, for the last time, my opinion, you’re still a good-lookin’ woman with a huge, lovin’ heart and you’re not hard to please — clearly — but you’re dating a fuckin’ big-time loser with a head like a actual fuckin’ fish! … Okay, look, please, alls I’m gonna say, Ma, when you see him tonight: Take a moment. Take a breath. Take a real good look and just ax yourself in all honesty — “Do I wanna fuck him — or fry him up with a little adobo and paprika an’ feed him to fuckin’ Buster and Negrito, okay?!” … I love you too. I miss him too. Kiss Buster and Negrito for me. I got your check for the cable on Thursday, we’ll eat ice cream … love you, okay … (JACKIE enters with flowers. She hangs up.) Oh my God, are those for me?!

JACKIE: I dunno! These flowers are for my “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess fuckin’ Beauty Queen”! Are you my “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess fuckin’ Beauty Queen”?!

VERONICA: Yes, Mr. Man — I am your big, beautiful, whatever the fuck you just said Princess Queen!

JACKIE: Then I guess these are yours! And this chocolate bar, and this lotto ticket, and this little tiny fuzzy bear that grips an’ shit, AND — Hold up! — AND these two movie tickets to see the movie that’s playing at the movie theater later when we go see the movie and eat popcorn and Junior Mints and whatever the fuck else you want ’cuz you’re my fuckin’ “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess Goddess Supergirl Queen” — who happens to be eyeballing the newest member of this city’s fine-ass working-class workforce!

VERONICA: You got a job?!

JACKIE: Yo! Lemme tell you something about the man you share a Bed of Love with: When he says; “Baby, I’m a come home with a job today — ”

VERONICA: — The motherfucker delivers?!

JACKIE: Like FedEx, baby!

VERONICA: I am so proud of you!

JACKIE: I think I’m hyperventilating!

VERONICA: Me too!

JACKIE: I got a job today!

VERONICA: I know you did!

JACKIE: I did it because of you, Veronica!

VERONICA: Nah baby, you did it ’cuz you’re the fuckin’ MAN — that’s why you did that shit!

JACKIE: I ain’t saying I’m not the MAN — ’cuz clearly I AM the fuckin’ MAN — but, it’s because of you, Veronica — ’cuz you wanna know why?

VERONICA: Why?

JACKIE: Because get in this bed right now and lemme show you why!

VERONICA: … Lemme shower first.

JACKIE: I don’t care about that.

VERONICA: But I wanna shower.

JACKIE: But I like it like that.

VERONICA: Jackie. I’ll be quick.

JACKIE: … I love you, Veronica … (Beat.)

VERONICA: Lemme shower, stoopid … (Beat.)

JACKIE: Veronica?

VERONICA: Yeah?

JACKIE: Why you gettin’ all misty over there?

VERONICA: I can’t get misty when my man warms my heart?

JACKIE: Nah, yeah, you could get misty.

VERONICA: You’re sober. You got a job. You got me a little fuzzy bear that grips an’ shit — what? — I can’t get misty if I’m feelin’ like that?

JACKIE: Nah, yo, mist away — I’m good with dat.

VERONICA: … I’m gonna go to Carvel after we finish our business, and I’m gonna get you a fuckin’ cake, baby.

JACKIE: Yeah?

VERONICA: A big-ass Wally The Whale cake wit’ chocolate and sprinkles and icing and Carvel goodness and Carvel love all up in it.

JACKIE: Take a shower, mami — ’cuz I’m ready to do work!

VERONICA: Oh yeah?

JACKIE: Yo: When I’m done with that ass, that ass gonna levitate three feet off the mattress! And you gonna be like, “Yo, Jackie: Why me and my ass floatin’ in the air like this?” And I’ll be like —

VERONICA: Hold that thought. I’ll be back in a minute.

VERONICA exits to the shower.

JACKIE: Oh! And yo, I didn’t even tell you about the best part!

VERONICA: Did you tell your P.O. yet?

JACKIE: What?

VERONICA: Your parole officer, you told him about your job?

JACKIE: Yeah. He told me, “Whaddya want? A medal for doing what you’re supposed to be doing?” — but I could tell his ass was happy …

VERONICA: … I’m gettin’ in the shower now.

JACKIE: Okay … Can you hear me?

VERONICA: Mmm-hmm. (JACKIE strips. Gets in bed.)

JACKIE: Yo, the best part: career advancement! This guy, Veronica — the boss an’ shit — he talked to me just like one human being to another, Veronica. He tol’ me; “We only got two rules here: Be polite to the tenants, and be polite to each other.” … And I thought about it, and I was like, “Those are good rules, sir,” and then he was like, “Good enough. Start Monday.” … And after I left, I was like, “That motherfucker was right.” ’Cuz, really, life is too short, ya know?” Why shouldn’t we all be nice, or at least, like try … Ya know? An’ yo — career advancement! If I hook this up right, these people got like five buildings. I could go from porter to maybe even a super ’cuz I already got the repair shit down, and then you get free rent and cable and even free Internet for like emails an’ shit, and union benefits — and they got a strong-ass union — and anyway, I started thinkin’, Veronica, ya know, and I started makin’ plans, you know? Like — grown-up plans, like “you and me” plans, happy plans, like, “next step”plans, Veronica, you know, like how you been saying? And I juss

…

He stops. He notices a hat on the table. He fixates on it. Beat. He crosses to the hat and examines it. He picks up the hat and sniffs it. Beat. He looks around the room. Then go...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Characters
• Production Team
• National Theatre
• Cast
• Scene 1
• Scene 2
• Scene 3
• Scene 4
• Scene 5
• Scene 6
• Scene 7
• Scene 8
• Scene 9