YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS EB

Daniel Howell

• Publisher: HQ
• Year: 2021
• Print ISBN: 9780008407483, 9780008468149
• eBook ISBN: 9780008407476
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Social Science Biographies

A practical guide to taking control of your mental health for today, tomorrow, and the days after, from the Sunday Times bestselling author and beloved entertainer

'There's a moment at the end of every day, where the world falls away and you are left alone with your thoughts. A reckoning, when the things you have been pushing to the background, come forward and demand your attention.'

Written by Daniel Howell, in consultation with a qualified psychologist, in an entertaining and personal way from the perspective of someone who has been through it all – this no-nonsense book gives you the tools to understand your mind so you can be in control and really live. Split into three chapters for each stage of the journey:

• This Night – how to get through your toughest moments and be prepared to face anything.
• Tomorrow – small steps to change your thoughts and actions with a big impact on your life.
• The Days After – help to look after yourself in the long term and not just survive, but thrive.

You will laugh and learn – but most of all, this book will assure you that even in your darkest times, there is always hope.

You will get through this night.

Part 1

This Night

Finding Calm

If you need to feel calm, to get to a slower, more manageable state, there are exercises to slow your body and settle your mind – so you’re ready to tackle your problems in the right headspace.

You are now aware of your own breathing

One of the main focuses of many calming exercises is breathing. I always used to be annoyed by someone making me aware of my own breathing – reading this now you probably snapped out of whatever natural rhythm you had going on, and feel like a baby animal that’s completely forgotten how to regularly function. Now, however, I thank that annoying person, as breathing is one of the most fundamentally important things to understand, in order to control both how you mentally think and physically feel. If you notice you’re starting to spiral, using your breathing to increase oxygen levels, reduce your heart rate and focus your mind, can instantly calm you down.

Somewhere in the woods there are a bunch of yoga people who will tell you that mastering breathing will allow you to climb a frozen mountain in a pair of Speedos, or juggle bowls of nails – and whilst that may appear to be true, we don’t all need to be quite that masterful; just a bit of practice will make a big difference. When we’re stressed, our brains flip into simple-mode to manage the load and respond in a more emotional, reactive way. When our brains are relaxed, we can think and behave more rationally – and even if things are falling apart around us, we will be better poised to solve the problems than if we’re breathing heavily into a paper bag and knocking into furniture. Exhale.

Abdominal breathing

Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like I definitely don’t have abs, but they are there, it’s a thing, and they are related to breathing.

When stressed or anxious we tend to take short, shallow breaths that come directly from the chest. You might not be aware of it, but this keeps your body in an ongoing state of stress, so you’re always switched on and hyper-alert. Great for ancient-you running back to the cave to dodge the sudden lightning storm, less so for now-you when you’re running late, sitting on a bus nervously twitching. Sharp breaths can make you panic, feel like you’re not getting enough air, and prevent you from falling asleep.

Instead, if you breathe deeply down into your abdomen, you will engage your body’s natural soothing system and create a sense of calm and safety. This is the kind of breathing that you do in deep sleep, and that newborn babies do. Stupid babies, feeling all safe in their tiny boots without a worry in the world. It’s easy for them. We need to remember to make an effort.

You can understand this now by putting one hand on your chest and one on your abdomen. (Find a table or someone with a flat head to balance this book on.) Take a breath and you will notice whether your chest or stomach is inhaling more of the breath. How do you feel?

It’s good to remember that no matter what is happening and where you are, your breath is always with you. It’s something you can always count on to feel better.

EXERCISE: ABDOMINAL BREATHING

Good for:

• Calming down
• Easing stress
• Feeling less anxious

First, empty your lungs of air by gently breathing out.

Now, breathe in quietly through the nose for four seconds. Keep your shoulders relaxed when you’re doing this. Try to breathe right into your belly and feel it expand.

Hold the breath for a count of four seconds.

Now exhale slowly through your mouth, slightly blowing the air out, but keeping your jaw relaxed – try to make this last around eight seconds.

The key is to ensure your exhale is longer than your inhale.

Repeat this pattern: in through the nose for four, hold for four, then slowly out through the mouth for eight.

After a few rounds, you should start to feel a state of relaxation.

Notice when you’re starting to feel anxious or stressed, and adapt your breathing this way – when you activate your soothing system you’ll trigger the feeling of deep physical relaxation in the body, and feel calmer and more in control.

Back to the Present

These next exercises focus on being in the present. Usually, negative thoughts running through your mind are either: ruminating over things that happened in the past, or worrying about what might happen in the future. Dwelling on the past can lead you to feel depressed, and panicking about the future makes you anxious. Learning to focus your mind in the moment, and simply be, is a powerful technique for managing your mental health.

By using our five senses (reminder, because I went blank and needed one: taste, touch, smell, sight and sound) we can ground ourselves, and from focusing on our surroundings, distract from worrying thoughts and instead feel comfortable just vibing in the moment.

I’m someone that is guilty of spending too much time ‘in my head’, and in the process I imagine myself looking dazed, sitting with my eyes open as my mind races between things I regret and what could go wrong ahead of me. Either constantly feeling woeful about some distant decision, like taking out a hefty student loan only to drop out of Law School to pursue comedy, or worrying about a crisis in the future, like if one day I will stop being funny, and wish that I’d pursued a more reliable career in Law. Remembering to ground myself, be present and spend more time enjoying the world around me, rather than ignoring it and living in a cloud of my own thoughts, is an essential skill.

This technique isn’t about distracting yourself, though, or about calming an overactive thinker – it’s about just learning to be calm in the present, without your thoughts taking your focus, empowering you to take control. Like with breathing, you can do this anytime, anyplace, but there’s no time like the present.

Self-soothing

We learn how to self-soothe when we’re very young, right from the start as babies. It’s the ability to recognise that we feel bad, and either comfortably accept it, or do something about it, instead of just sitting there upset and distressed. When babies cry, someone usually jumps in quickly to soothe them. Maybe by rocking them, patting their back or making bizarre noises and disturbing faces, which for some reason babies already know is weird and ridiculous and rightfully laugh at. As babies grow older, they learn how to calm themselves down without a mysterious giant intervening to pick them up, by doing something or just dealing with it. This process of learning how to recognise how we feel, then making ourselves feel better, is huge.

If we don’t learn to self-soothe when we’re young, or if we experience trauma in our lives, we can find it hard to soothe ourselves as adults when we’re upset. This can mean that feelings, rather than signalling an issue for us to solve, can take over our brains and be overwhelming. In this case, when we’re upset we can look for that soothing feeling in other places, such as harmful behaviours or substances.

One of the best ways to learn self-soothing is to nurture your five senses. Tuning into your senses helps you to be present in your own body, helping you feel safe, calm and in control.

EXERCISE: SELF-SOOTHING USING YOUR FIVE SENSES

Good for:

• Calming down
• Feeling safe
• Quieting stressful thoughts

By tuning in to and indulging the individual senses, we focus on the physical world, rather than what’s in our heads. Choose one sense to begin with:

Touch

Touching causes our brains to release chemicals that make us feel safe. By being comfortable where we are, with what we’re wearing and interacting with, we quickly change our experience of reality. Try stretching, comfy clothes, blankets, warm showers, or even playing with something in your hands – any little toy (for me right now: an impossibly tangled charging cable) that you interact with can help you to remember that you are a physical object, not just the manifestation of a storm of stressful thoughts.

Vision

Looking at things that calm you down can soothe you. I’m giving you permission right now to just look at some dog images. It’s not procrastination; it’s serious self-soothing. Even if it’s focusing on the view from your window, some art, or a film with beautiful cinematography, looking at something you know or something that pleases you, distracts your mind, and makes you feel content.

Hearing

Hearing is a very commanding way to shift our attention out of our heads. You can immediately change how you’re thinking by listening to your favourite music, or someone’s voice, for example, and focusing on it. Just make sure that what you are listening to will put you in the mood you want to be in. Setting off a blaring fire alarm might distract you, but not make you feel better.

Smell

We adjust to the smell of our environment very quickly, so inhaling something new is often a spark of interest. Find something with a smell that comforts you, whether it’s flowers, food, or your favourite old blanket (that might actually be a bit manky but I won’t judge you). There’s a reason why I’m a serial hoarder of scented candles. It’s a good twenty-minute meditation tour for me, just sniffing them all. Either that or I’m getting slightly high off the fumes. Either way, it works.

Taste

Really savour the taste of your favourite foods. We’re too often in a rush to slam a snack down our throats, but taking time to slowly appreciate a taste is great. A hot drink that forces well-paced, appreciative sips is perfect – unless you’re like my mum who goes from teapot to cup to mouth and out of the front door in ten seconds. Don’t be like her. Even chewing gum can stick you to reality!

Remember that wherever you are, you can give yourself a mental break by indulging your senses. And if for a moment you feel like you don’t deserve these comforts – stop that thought. You need to be in the best mental space you can to tackle life’s challenges, so suffering is unsurprisingly unhelpful. Go sniff that candle.

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When You Need to Bring Your Mind Back to the Present

If you are feeling quite distressed, and need to quickly bring yourself back down to earth, you can combine your senses with a focused countdow...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Copyright
• Note to Readers
• Dedication
• Title Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• How to Use This Book
• Understanding Mental Health
• Part 1: This Night
• Part 2: Tomorrow
• Part 3: The Days After That
• Epilogue
• Acknowledgements
• About the Author
• About the Psychological Consultant
• About the Publisher