Living Beyond "What If?"

Release the Limits and Realize Your Dreams

Shirley Davis

• Publisher: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
• Year: 2021
• Print ISBN:
  9781523093267
• eBook ISBN:
  9781523093281
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Mentoring & Coaching
• Index: Business

Free yourself from self-limiting beliefs and fears that keep you stuck. This book lays out a blueprint for how to take control of your life and begin living your dreams.

We all dream. We all imagine. And we all want to live our best life. But why is it that 90 percent of people admit that if they got to live their life over, they would live it differently? What keeps us comfortable with the status quo and unable to get beyond "What if"?

In part 1 of this book, Dr. Shirley Davis addresses these and other questions by guiding the reader through a personal journey of self-discovery, a search for significance, and an examination of the self-imposed limitations that can hijack our purpose, power, and possibilities.

In part 2, she details the readers' journies toward realizing their dreams by reimagining their lives, identifying their "why," and developing a life plan to stay focused and accountable. She describes the right questions to ask, the right mindset to adopt, and the right relationships to build that will enable everyone to live the life he or she has always imagined.

Dr. Davis reveals the necessary steps for releasing the limits we place on ourselves as a result of life's tests, wrong thinking, and bad decisions. She helps readers overcome paralyzing fears that keep dreams on pause and inspires the confidence to jump first and grow wings on the way down.

PART 1

Release the Limits

Chapter 1

WAS IT JUST MY IMAGINATION?

What Is Imagination?

Imagination is one of the most powerful tools that we have. It enables us to visualize the future. It is the doorway to unlimited possibilities and key to creating something more meaningful and significant. Simply defined, imagination is the ability of the mind to think in pictures, to conceive something that does not yet exist. It is a facet of the mind along with reason, emotions, and the will that allows us to contemplate our lives in the future.

We use our imagination all the time, whether we are daydreaming, planning, recalling, or meditating. Without imagination we would not have a source of creativity, because every innovation in history began with an image in someone’s mind. Books, movies, toys, songs, automobiles, companies, foods, clothes, and phone apps and other technology advances, to name a few, all started in someone’s imagination and without it we wouldn’t enjoy the conveniences we do today.

Both individuals and organizations use their imagination to create their future state. For example, as a consultant I enjoy the opportunity to work with clients on developing their long-term strategic plans. I guide them through envisioning what the future could look like for them three to five years out. One of the first exercises I take them through involves using their imagination. I instruct them to “imagine that it is five years from now and your business has grown to a new level of success and profitability. Without being limited or constrained by budget, current practices, past successes, or the fear of failure, list all of the attributes of that new organization.”

I have used the same exercise with individuals who are contemplating a strategic move and need to imagine their future. Taking them through this exercise sets a strong foundation on which they can build. Some of their best thinking is documented because they are given permission to imagine without limits or restrictions, just like we did as kids.

Dreaming as a Kid

Think back to when you were a kid and your dreams ran wild. What did you imagine being and doing, and where did you imagine going? I am a dreamer by nature and have a vivid imagination. As a child and up to my teenage years, I kept a diary and I remember writing all kinds of dreams about what I would be when I grew up. I wrote that I would be a teacher, an all-star athlete, a basketball coach, a high-fashion model in New York, a movie star, a lawyer, and a writer. I imagined being rich and living like what I had seen on the TV show starring Robin Leach, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. My imagination transported me to places all over the world, to achieving anything my heart desired and my mind envisioned. I was unrestricted by rules and had no limits, questions, or fears. Nothing seemed impossible.

Most of these dreams were influenced by what I watched on TV, by what I was taught by my parents, and by what came naturally to me—for example, teaching. I loved playing “school” with my three brothers and being the teacher. We would play for hours and I would actually create assignments for them to do and games for them to play. I would assign them homework and grade their papers, so dreaming of being a teacher one day wasn’t farfetched. It would end up being my job as a trainer years later.

I loved to play “dress up” with my mom’s clothes and shoes, put on her makeup and jewelry, and pretend to be a model and a contestant in beauty pageants. During those years, I watched TV shows like Star Search every week and the Miss America and Miss USA pageants every year and imagine myself being one of the contestants. Modeling on stage also came naturally to me. I started modeling for a local agency and participated in a number of fashion shows, and even won a local Star Search runway modeling competition. I didn’t become a high-fashion model in New York for a world-renowned designer, but my dream of modeling was partially realized.

While watching the pageants every year I was enamored with the parade of costumes, the extravagant gowns, the roaring applause from each contestant’s cheering section, the speech competitions, and the amazing talent performances. And then the big moment came when the winner’s name was announced and this huge crown, decorated with what looked like hundreds of diamonds and rubies, was placed on the winner’s head. I was hooked. As I watched those pageants, I would think, “I can do that. They walk across the stage, they have a speech competition, and they perform a talent. Yes, I can do that.” I started dreaming and imagining that one day I could be Miss ___________.

At the age of 14, I competed in my first local pageant, because it had a speech competition and because I had grown fond of the stage. I was already playing sports and was quite competitive, and now I had started modeling, so I thought I had a good shot. Even though I had never competed in a pageant before, I had watched enough of them on TV and had convinced myself that if I were good at modeling I could be good at pageants too. Besides, this pageant offered scholarship money for college and a variety of great gifts, and if I won I would have the opportunity to sport a huge rhinestone crown like I had seen on TV.

Turns out that my dreams were not too lofty, because in my first pageant I placed second runner-up, won the speech competition, and received positive feedback from the judges regarding my interview and stage presence. The pageant director and the judges strongly urged me to come back to compete again the following year and told me I had a good chance of winning. So I did. I spent the entire next year reading, staying abreast of current events, soul searching to get clarity on my platform, and practicing my interview skills. I also kept good grades, which was a requirement because it was a scholarship pageant. The preparation paid off because the next year I competed again and won my first title, Miss District of Columbia National Teenager.

My parents enrolled me and my brothers in sports at early ages. I played softball and basketball and ran track. These also came naturally to me and I got really good. Playing with my brothers taught me to be tough and to play more competitively. By the time I reached high school I had already played for the local Boys and Girls Club and had achieved all-star status in softball, track, and basketball. I didn’t reach my goal of being a coach but I was captain of my softball team, so I guess that was close enough. I tried out for the varsity teams in high school and was selected. As I achieved some of those childhood dreams, I built up a lot of confidence and assurance, which reinforced that nothing was impossible when I put my mind to something. So I continued to imagine and add more dreams to my list.

In high school I started dating and eventually experienced my first love. Then I began imagining getting married to the man of my dreams, having a family, and living happily ever after like I had seen in many love stories on TV, in the movies, and in teenage novels. When I went off to college, I majored in pre-law and imagined myself being a top prosecutor and then a family court judge. I was still dating my high school sweetheart and we were going strong. He was attending another college five hours from me on a basketball scholarship and was in his second year. He would drive to my college to see me and I would drive to as many of his games as I could to support him. We were talking about getting married after graduation and it appeared that more of my dreams would be realized.

When Life Happens and Dreams Are Shattered

Life Event 1: My First Heartbreak

Then a series of unexpected turns, tragedies, and transitions shook me to my core and redefined the trajectory of my life. The first event happened at the end of my first year of college, when my boyfriend became aloof and started acting a bit strange. He wasn’t calling as much and started making excuses as to why he couldn’t come to visit. When I would ask him what was going on, he would just shrug it off. The clincher came when we had planned to hang out for the summer break and he decided it wasn’t a good idea anymore. Finally I confronted him and demanded an explanation, and he admitted he had “found somebody else.”

I was devastated. We had made so many plans and he had seemed so committed to our dreams. I had been sure that he loved me, which he told me often, but now he was telling me he was with someone else. I was angry, confused, broken, and shocked all at the same time. This was the first time I had really fallen in love and the first time I had experienced this kind of hurt. My heart was shattered into a hundred pieces and everything we had dreamed together was now turning into a nightmare.

It took a while to get over the hurt, but after getting more engrossed in college life (attending campus fraternity and sorority parties, focusing on my major, holding down a part-time job, and hanging out with new friends), I moved on. In my last year of college I met a guy through mutual friends. We hit it off quickly and began dating. Eventually we fell head over heels for each other and I began imagining my life with him.

We dreamed of moving to Tulsa, Oklahoma where I would do graduate work in religious studies and he would complete his undergraduate degree. We both dreamed of having children and living happily ever after. We had no money, but we had a whole lot of hope that everything would be alright simply because we were people of faith and we were in love. After I graduated from my undergraduate degree program at the University of Maryland, we worked to make our plans and dreams a reality, and things seemed to be falling into place, or so I thought.

Life Event 2: Near-Death Car Crash

The second event happened in the summer I graduated from college. I was still planning to move to Oklahoma and start my graduate program, but I had never been there. Three girlfriends and I decided to take our first cross-country trip, from Maryland to Oklahoma. This trip was a great opportunity to check things out. We made the twenty-one-hour drive and arrived safely. During the five-day visit we had a blast. My closest girlfriend decided to check out the school for her own graduate studies as well, so we attended orientation sessions together, toured the campus, met our professors, made new friends, found an apartment near campus, signed the lease, and registered for the fall semester. We didn’t want to leave but were so excited to return as roommates and grad students and start the next chapter in our lives. While we attended orientations, our two other girlfriends explored the city, did some shopping, and attended the conference with us every evening.

It came time to return to Maryland. We reluctantly loaded up the car and began the drive back to the East Coast. Not being much of a long-distance driver, I sat in the back seat on the passenger side. With three other people who could drive for hours at a time, I knew we would be on the East Coast before it was my turn to get behind the wheel. I don’t remember what happened from this point on, but I am sharing this story as it was told to me.

My friend and I had been asleep for hours in the backseat when at approximately two o’clock in the morning our lives changed forever. We had started in Tulsa and reached West Virginia. The highway we were on was a narrow two-lane road with very few cars traveling in the wee hours of the morning. It was under construction. The shoulder of the road was blocked off by a concrete barricade lined with orange and white striped cans. It was pitch black with no street lighting.

Sometime around two o’clock the driver pulled off onto the side of the road to switch with the other front-seat passenger. I remained in the back seat, asleep. My girlfriend sitting beside me woke up during the driver switch. As the car got back onto the road and headed east, the one who had now taken the wheel realized she had not buckled her seat belt, so she reached down to lock it. Seconds later she looked up and saw the car heading into the concrete barricade and the orange and white cans. She violently turned the steering wheel to the extreme right to avoid the concrete barricades, and lost control of the car.

The car flipped over and careened down an embankment to several feet below the highway. The driver, who had just buckled her seat belt, was shaken and received some scrapes and bruises. The front-seat passenger hit her head on the windshield, shattering the glass. The car flipped a second and third time, ejecting me headfirst through the back window. The car flipped a fourth time and landed on its side twenty feet down the embankment. It was now a mangled mess of steel and broken glass. The driver was still seated under the wheel. The police speculated that the buckled seat belt saved her life.

Bloody and bruised, the driver began to scream for each of us to identify our location. Darkness made it impossible to see each other. Our voices were the only way to signal where we were. They called out for each other until they were able to hold hands. One, two, three accounted for. But where was Shirley? “Shirley, where are you? Please answer.” Their cries went unheard.

One of the passengers later recounted that she got down on her hands and knees and crawled around on the ground trying to feel for me. Hurt and bleeding, wading through broken glass in the darkness, her efforts were futile. The driver ran in the direction of the highway. One car had already passed us by with no knowledge we were stranded down the embankment, twenty feet away. Our driver stood by the side of the highway and frantically waited for the next car or truck.

Within minutes, an eighteen-wheeled tractor trailer sped her way. The trucker, with his lights on high beam, spotted her waving her arms in the air and jumping up and down in a panic. He stopped. He immediately radioed in a call to the local police, then grabbed his flashlight from the truck and helped the women search the area for me. I was found thirty feet from the automobile, motionless and unresponsive, covered in glass and weeds, bleeding from my head and arms. The flashlight beamed into my face. I did not move. My friends continued to call my name. I was still breathing, but no one knew the extent of my injuries, so they did not move me.

Moments later sirens sounded in the distance. Two of the passengers and the trucker ran to flag down the police and ambulances. The flashlight and the truck’s high beams were the source of light for the emergency brigade. Within minutes two additional ambulances arrived to transport the four of us to the medical center in Wheeling, West Virginia. We arrived at the hospital emergency room in less than 30 minutes.

According to my friends the hospital was very quiet that night and visiting hours had long since ended. The atmosphere abruptly changed when we were brought into the emergency room. Nurses and doctors were standing by and had been thoroughly briefed on our condition by the EMTs. Our vital signs were checked by the hospital staff. We were wheeled into separate exam rooms and immediately examined for internal bleeding, broken bones, and concussions. I was still unconscious. I have no recollection of my time in the emergency room.

The next morning the police investigated the scene of the accident and, after viewing the massive amounts of glass and shredded steel, shook their heads in disbelief that anyone could have survived. That same morning the headline news reported, “Four Women Survive an Early Morning Car Accident”. The report stated, “It was a miracle that anyone survived since the car was so demolished,” and “God was apparently in the car with the young women.” The story went on to report that “police officers found nearly half a dozen Bibles scattered about the scene that apparently had fallen out of the car during the crash.” What a testimony! A news report of a car crash that spoke of a miracle by God! The other ladies watched the amazing story from their hospital beds. I was still unconscious.

By the next morning, friends and relatives of the driver had driven from Washington, D.C., to the hospital. The driver and the other conscious passengers shared the details of the accident. Several women surrounded my bed and began to pray. They continued praying without ceasing. I started to hear noises but couldn’t make out anything, nor could I open my eyes. I remember that one of the women pulled my arm as if to lift me up. I slowly awoke from my comatose state.

A few minutes later I opened my eyes and saw strange people standing around me in a chain of locked hands. I had no idea where I was or what had happened. I remember looking at the clock in the room and seeing that it was 3:00, but I didn’t know what day it was or how long I had been there. The last thing I remembered prior to this was being asleep in the back seat of the car. When I awoke, I began to ask for details about what had happened and where we were. The nurses later explained that I had suffered a severe head concussion, received ten stitches in my forehead and twenty in my right side, and had glass lodged in various parts of my body, including my scalp.

We went home to Maryland two days later under my doctor’s and parents’ care. Over the next few weeks I would feel a sharp pain while washing up (I couldn’t take a shower for several weeks due to my injuries); it was glass working its way out of my body. The glorious news is that I had no internal bleeding...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Foreword
• Introduction: Are You Living the Life You’ve Always Dreamed Of?
• Part 1: Release the Limits
• Part 2: Realize Your Dreams
• Conclusion: Notable Quotables to Live by
• Notes
• Acknowledgments
• Index
• About the Author
• About SDS Global Enterprises, Inc.
• Discussion Guide