The Trauma of Shame and the Making of the Self

Shelley Stokes

• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN: 9781642981681
• eBook ISBN: 9781642981704
• Topic: Psicologia
• Subtopic: Salute mentale in psicologia

Shame influences more of our thoughts and actions than many other emotions. Used as a punishment for bad behavior, shame acts as an incentive for us to behave in socially acceptable ways. As a common method used to regulate children's behavior, shame is by far one of the most pervasive socializing agents. Many of our more persistent, punitive, and critical feelings about ourselves stem from humiliations in early childhood even if we don't remember the specific events that prompted them.While w

Chapter Twelve

Self-States, Dissociation, and the Feeling of Inauthenticity

There is increasingly strong evidence … that the psyche does not start as an integrated whole that then becomes fragmented as a pathological process, but is nonunitary in origin; it is [instead] a structure that originates and continues as a multiplicity of self-other configurations … that maturationally develop a coherence and continuity that comes to be experienced as a cohesive sense of personal identity—an overarching feeling of “being a self.”

—Bromberg 1998, 181

Self-States

As does Bromberg in the quotation above, Siegel (2012) also argues that the idea of a unitary “self” that is continuous over circumstance and time is actually an illusion our minds create. Siegel suggests that we have, in actuality, multiple and varied “self-states that are needed to carry out the many and diverse activities of our lives. Each self-state has its own story to tell—its own “narrative truth” that has developed over time.

Thus, the “self” may be thought of as being composed of a multiplicity of self-and-other relational states. These relational states of being are highly individualized and are integrated over time by an illusion of unity (cf. Bromberg 1998, 192). In fact, it may come as a shock to realize that each of our self-states has its own thoughts, beliefs, dominant mood and feelings, as well as its own memory, skills, behaviors, and regulatory physiology (cf. Bromberg 2011, 73). For example,

If you have ever been surprised by how you acted, or felt confused, conflicted, or realized how dramatically different you feel in different situations or in different moods … then you know that this thing we call the ‘self’ can have many different and often competing facets and states … [In fact, at times we may experience ourselves] … as a collection of competing, incoherent parts, which can create much conflict, functional impairment, and distress. (Henriques 2014)

Further, as Bromberg notes thus:

When all goes well, a person is only dimly or momentarily aware of the individual self-states and their respective realities because each functions as a part of a healthy illusion of coherent personal identity … felt as “I”. (Bromberg 2011, 48)

The Role of Dissociation in Relation to Self-States

Several years ago, while driving on the freeway, I (SL) looked over at the drivers in the vehicles in other lanes and noticed that most of them looked disconnected and appeared to be in a trance-like state. The thought that occurred to me was “These individuals are acting, instead of being.” At that time, I didn’t necessarily understand what I was sensing. Following this insight, I began paying closer attention to people as they were walking through stores, on sidewalks, at their work sites, and often times they also appeared checked out. If I tried to say “hello” or say something to them, they sometimes appeared startled or even annoyed as if I was interrupting them.

These observations led me to begin focusing more closely on the times that I behaved in similar ways. I wondered if, perhaps, we all were lost in this dream-state where we were entertaining past failures, listening to internal voices that tear us down, or simply resting here in this dissociated state as a way of escaping from our lives.

As I reflected on childhood, I remembered that adults often ignored children and expected them to be seen but not heard, and our child-like stories weren’t very important to them. As children, our feelings were not important enough, or we ourselves were not important enough, or not lovable enough, to be seen or heard.

As I continued observing others, I overheard several conversations between pairs of people who possibly didn’t hear what the other said, as each one could hardly wait to say what she thought was important, even to the point of interrupting or finishing the other’s sentence.

Quoting a question Marion Woodman, a Jungian analyst and writer, asks in her book Leaving my Father’s House (“A Journey to Conscious Femininity,” 12) we may indeed wonder, “How many people who believe they never dream are sleepwalking in their marriage, in their job, in their church, blindly adhering to ideas they never question, with no heart in what they are doing?” The operation of dissociation in our daily lives is quite common.

Everyday Dissociation versus Dissociation as a Defense against Trauma

I (SL) recall a fifty-eight-year-old patient that I had seen in psychotherapy for a few years who shared a story that as a fourteen-month-old child she had been burnt by hot coffee, which resulted in her having to stay in the hospital for a few days. She said she had not really remembered this story but had been told that it happened to her.

About a year ago, “Jill” (as we’ll call her) came to a session and shared that she had been cleaning her coffee pot and burnt her hand. Suddenly she had heard herself saying “I hate being burned by coffee, I hate being burned by coffee,” and she had begun sobbing uncontrollably. She then found herself walking down the hallway to her bedroom where pictures of her deceased father and mother are hanging, and she began telling them all about how much she hated being burned by coffee as she continued to sob. “Jill” described this experience as liberating and said there were no pictures as in usual memories, only tears that were now leading her to speak about what had been unremembered but she could sense though she could ...

Table of contents

• Pretext 13
• Pretext 14
• Pretext 15
• Pretext 16
• Pretext 17
• Pretext 18
• Pretext 19
• Pretext 20
• Pretext 21
• Pretext 22
• Pretext 23
• Pretext 24