New Understandings of Twin Relationships

From Harmony to Estrangement and Loneliness

Barbara Klein, Stephen A. Hart, Jacqueline M. Martinez

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9781000287547
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Interpersonal Relations in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

New Understandings of Twin Relationships takes an experience-based approach to exploring how twin attachment and estrangement are critical to understanding the push and pull of closely entwined personal relationships.

Based on the research expertise of each of the authors (all identical twins in their own right), and vignettes from twins across the globe, this book describes the inner workings of the twin-world, showing how the twin-world creates experiences that are often more intense and intricately textured than those in the singleton-world. Chapters debunk myths surrounding twinship and analyze the developmental stages of the twin relationship as well as the effect of being a twin on one's mental health from different perspectives. The authors articulate how attachment, separation anxiety, loneliness, estrangement, and the subjective experience of the twin and non-twin "other" impact behavior, thinking, and feeling.

Through its careful study of the many psychological challenges that twins face throughout their lifetime, this text will help psychologists, scholars, clinicians, and twins themselves attain a deeper understanding of all interpersonal relationships.

1Myth, Fantasy, and Reality

The Challenges Twins Face Sharing Their Early Lives and Growing Apart

Barbara Klein

Twin Fascination and the Problems with the Popular Understanding of Twin Relationships

Twins have been a source of fascination and wonder, and repulsion and fear, since the beginning of recorded history. Mythology, religion, literature, art, and film represent twins as having magical powers of closeness, as well as the opposite powers of discord and rage. Once Darwin’s theory of evolution became prominent, twins were used to study the relative importance of genetic endowment and environmental influences. The genetic sameness of identical twins provided traditional science with a built-in test for the study of the relationship between genetic makeup and a wide array of environmentally determined behaviors and personality characteristics. Psychologists have used twins as “laboratory rats” in an effort to determine how much of personality and intelligence is inherited, and how much can be nurtured by the environment (Bouchard, 1994; Joseph, 2015; Schave, 1982; Schave and Ciriello, 1983; Schein and Bernstein, 2007). Recently, with the higher incidence of twin births, parenting multiple births children has become a focus of child development research (Diaz, 2013; Klein, 2017a; Rowles, 2013).

Based on my decades’ long experience working with and studying twin experience, I can say with great certainty that twins know that their attachment to one another is very different from the attachments that singletons share. Unfortunately, inter-twin deep closeness and nonverbal communication are not usually shared with others outside of the twin-ship, which means that twin closeness remains a largely untold story. Because the focus of onlookers is to idealize twin-ship, there is very little concern with the actual lived experiences of twins themselves. Emotional issues related to the effects of twin-attachment are addressed tangentially in film and literature (Klein, 2017a). Yet, there is no doubt that the depth of twin-attachment is profound and psychologically irreplaceable (Fongay, 1990). The depth and complexity of the twin-attachment is rarely represented in film, literature, or other forms of cultural discourse.

My goal in this chapter is to provide an overview of the many challenges that emerge in the real-life experience of twins themselves. This requires an understanding of the significance of the twin attachment, and the many complex ways in which the twin attachment affects virtually every aspect of psychological development. In doing this it is very important to exorcise the deeply rooted tendency to idealize the twin-bond. As long as these outdated idealizations remain in place, it is impossible to see, much less understand, the many complex and intricately woven challenges twins face as they grow into adulthood and pursue their lives. In the sections that follow, I explain these points in more detail. I then turn to a focus on the realities of twin experience. My goal here is to replace the idealized version of twin experience with the complex, often confusing, and difficult reality that many twins face as they move through their lives. In this discussion I will feature many of the major themes that are addressed throughout the book and provide a general context in which the stories from twins themselves should be understood. The final section of the chapter features the words from several of the twins who have shared their stories with us.

Distorted Images of Twins, Twin-Attachment, and Twin-Identity

The difficulties that twins encounter as they separate from their twin and seek understanding and acceptance of their identity as unique individuals begins at birth and grows and evolves throughout twins’ lives. Feelings of guilt and shame are common as twins struggle to see themselves as individuals. This struggle emerges from the in utero attachment that establishes connections that precede any psychological individuation. The result is that even as twins begin developing an individual sense of self, their shared nonverbal communication makes it difficult to see themselves as separate, and something as basic as not paying attention to each other is difficult to achieve. As twins learn more involved nonverbal and verbal communication, this basic level of profound attachment remains. The separation process creates anxiety for twins and can be manifested across a variety of emotional dimensions throughout the life span, including sadness, crying, anger, rage, acceptance, or estrangement. It is not uncommon, for example, for young twins to have strong reaction when reminded of the absence of their twin. Simply being reminded that their twin is not with them commonly triggers serious bouts of crying. As twins grow, the process of developing individual identities often creates strong feelings of anger and resentment. When these feelings motivate separation between the twins, estrangement is the result, and this often leads to powerful and painful loneliness in adulthood.

At birth, twins’ proximity to each other is crucial. Infant twins are inconsolable when separated. Separating twins because of illness or adoption can create traumatic experiences for both twins which are manifested later in life. The effects of early separation are always traumatic. This trauma is well described in the book Identical Strangers: A Memoir of Twins Separated and Reunited (Schein and Bernstein, 2007). From a perspective outside of the twin relationship, it is easy to see that young twins enjoy being together and that they like the attention they get for being twins. From the outside, it is also easy to see the opposite side of the twin relationship, as when twins fight constantly over belongings, activities, etc. And yet, I have found in my work with young twins that no matter what the daytime fighting is about, twins want to and seem to need to spend bedtime together. For parents, it is often difficult to contend with the nonstop twin inclination for “double trouble.” “Double trouble” is a shorthand way of describing how intertwin closeness provides a deep comfort and stability that often creates an alliance through which twins can make life very difficult for parents and outsiders. As the creators of their very own specific and private world, twins can wreak havoc as they learn the codes and patterns of the family and outside world. Twins can be the ultimate tricksters, playing games that confound family members and others who interact with them.

As twin-pairs grow into adolescence, more dramatic identity struggles surface. Anger and resentment between twins often fester. Each twin begins to take their own direction more seriously. Harmony is harder to hold onto for adolescent twins. Serious differences can erupt. Eventually, teenage twins feel seriously misunderstood by “onlookers” who idealize and trivialize the twin relationship. Adult twins struggle to form non-twin relationships. Being a twin in the non-twin-world can be a lifelong experience of fragmentation, regret, and possibly, renewal. For many twins, including virtually all of those who have shared their stories with us, renewal of the twin relationship remains elusive. The anger, disappointment, and, often, estrangement that are common for twins are, relatively speaking, unexplored or ignored by family and significant others outside of the twin-ship. The distorted belief that twins can get along easily and always is a destructive fantasy to twins and those who long for closeness. Closeness is achieved through hard work for twins and non-twins alike.

The lack of understanding related to the uniqueness of twin-attachment is multifaceted. It is obvious that scientific researchers have a distorted sensibility about the lives of twins because of their hyper focus of unravelling the heredity versus environment debate (Joseph, 2015). Mental health professionals simply do not have a deep understanding of the power of the twin-bond and how struggles of twin relationships are intensely conflicted and painful. In general, therapists of twins see twins as having “boundary” issues that can be “fixed” by being firm with others, especially their twin. This very cold and uninformed approach can offer only superficial solutions to deep problems related to intimacy. In addition to all this, the study of psychology has ignored any insight into the dynamics of human relationships that twin relationships can provide (Klein, 2003, 2012, 2017a).

The findings of academic or clinical research are fostered by the longstanding cultural mythology and fantasy of twin-ship being an ideal relationship. Profound attentiveness and mirror-like closeness of twins becomes a fascination for lonely singleton individuals who long for affirmation. Ironically, twins often suffer from a more profound loneliness than non-twins because of their entwined attachment to one another and the depth of “missing” that occurs when they are not together. The basic and profound truth is that the experiences of a twin being a twin is very different than the fantasy and mythology that our culture promotes and revels in. To illustrate this point, consider this language from a twin contributor to this book who shares her deep beliefs about the difficulties and aftereffects of idealization.

So no, don’t believe the mythology of the closeness of twins, their unique relationship, the special bond, and all the other populist ideas that non-twins hold in fascination. It is not true, it is fiction, and an unkind fiction at that. It is unfair that non-twins impose this expectation upon us in popular culture. What is true about twins is that we are individuals, unique within ourselves. We do not deserve unrealistic expectations; we do not deserve unfair comparisons. What we deserve is to be acknowledged as who we are. Ourselves.

(Ann)

The deep and profound idealization of twin-ship sends ripples of shame into the lives of twins who cannot get along with one another and feel criticized by other people’s intrusive beliefs that they should naturally be able to be attuned to their twin. The reality of developing a healthy adult relationship with one’s twin is very complicated and difficult. The fantasy that all twins can and do get along is nonsensical and prejudicial to twins. By prejudicial I mean the belief that twins who can get along are normal, and those twins who do not get along are not normal, damaged, and defective casts a deep prejudice against the reality of the twin’s experience in their twin relationship. Deeply held cultural beliefs like these create life-long struggles for twins encountering others who expect them to know everything about and be in total connection with their twin. In reality, as twins move through the life span and develop their own lives with spouses, children, professions, etc., they naturally come to know fewer details of each other’s lives. Yet, the idealizations held by society and twins themselves create an expectation that the childhood depth of the twin-connection will remain the same throughout the life span. When distance and or estrangement develops, twins are left feeling shame for not living up to cultural expectations. Countless times I have been asked about how my twin sister is doing. When I answer honestly that we are not able to get along, onlookers are shocked. Outsiders will probe for why I can’t get along with her for as long as I allow them to. This unacceptable intrusiveness does not happen with siblings who are not close and cannot get along. In my life experience I have never been quizzed on why my older brother and I cannot get along. It seems as if twin intruders are just interested in affirming their vacuous fascination about what it means to be a twin.

Our work together, and with our many twin contributors who have shared their twin stories with us, allows us to flesh out this unseen life of twins within their twin relationships. We use our own experiences and the stories of our twin contributors to describe and explain how these unseen aspects of the psychological experiences of twins play out in the life stories of twins. Our effort is to reveal the unique twin aspects of social and emotional issues that are not seen in singletons. Our own stories and the stories of our twin contributors are the basis of this work.

Understanding the Reality of Twin Relationships

Born Married

Twins know that the reality of being a twin is very different than the idealized images of twin-ship that dominate our popular cultural conceptions. Twins see their relationship in a more down to earth way than the fanciful images of harmony. Thankfully, twins do not want to be seen as the characters Tweedledum and Tweedledee from the book Alice in Wonderland. “Twins are born married” is a phrase that most twins readily identify with. Twins do share a special closeness that includes things like walking hand in hand, sharing and fighting over toys and clothes, and creating “double trouble,” so twins young and old can get their own way with other people and with their twin. Twins are very good collaborators against the system! As children, most twins have a special relationship that can exclude others, including parents and siblings. Having your own secret society is a twin perk. In some sense twins are each other’s first therapist because of the empathy they have for one another’s experiences. Twin advice on how to solve a problem can be priceless in my experience. Young twins look to each other and trust each other profoundly.

As twins grow older, they often deepen their twin-based understanding of the world by sharing opinions of other people, covering for one another, and intricately coordinating their actions within larger groups. This creates a deep closeness and interdependence that is unique to twins. In general, physical proximity creates a sense of togetherness that is hard to replicate. Being a twin is special because of the security and comradeship that can be shared. Instant understanding and profound support are common in childhood.

Still, even in childhood, being a twin is difficult and very intense. Serious fighting and bickering over everything moveable, and who is favored or first can be literally nonstop. But worse problems can and do occur. For example, in kindergarten my sister and I were referred to as “the girl with two heads.” Both of us remember being seen as “freaks,” although my sister Marjorie seemed to enjoy being a freak more than I did for a reason I could not understand. Being treated as a freak and then developing your own identity as your true self is very hard to do. Ironically, as much as twins want to be individuals, they also want to see the world in the same way. Agreement is important and sometimes critical to the twin-pair. For many twins, this desire to find agreement translates into professional successes later in life. The attention that twins receive for being a twin is enlivening and encourages positive self-esteem. When twins go their separate ways, the loss of the highly affirming attention that came with being recognized as twins is often very difficult for twins. Without one’s twin, one no longer gets the attention that came previously. In this kind of situation, twins will suffer alone as they try to learn what singletons think is meaningful attention. The marriage of twins is very powerful yet misunderstood both consciously and unconsciously. The twin-connection is deeply rooted and based on expectations that are both stated and unstated. Thus, developing a healthy separation between twins that is based on individual differences is very difficult to achieve without the help of psychotherapy (Klein, 2017a).

Accepting That You Are Different Than Your Twin and Different from Non-twins

When twins agree with each other and are in sync, it is an emotional high that is very soulful and hard to replicate with other people. When twins don’t agree, it is very stressful for both, and leads to arguments about who is right and who is wrong. A silly example to onlookers who most likely don’t suffer from the same problems as twins goes like this: Marjorie and I argued incessantly about who I should marry, as if her opinion was often more important than mine. I did make my own decision based on practicality and what my parents would approve of. My sister disapproved of my choice of husband, thinking I would become superficial and empty headed if I didn’t marry a pure intellectual. But in all honesty, seeing that my decision about who I was going to marry was only my decision was hard for both of us in our early twenties. Now we make our own decisions. Developing a way of working out differences was very strife-driven and strife-ridden. Now, in the senior years of life, we know that disagreeing is not as big of a deal as we thought it was when we were young. Still, when we disagree there is friction between us.

An observable and uniquely held problem for all twins is in making their own decisions by putting themselves first. I have come to understand that I must make my own decisions. Although I have managed to understand that my ...