Boss Vibes

Self-Esteem, Success, and the Art of Etiquette

Nita Patel

• Publisher: River Grove Books
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN: 9781632993038
• eBook ISBN: 9781632993045
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Success

Ever wonder what kind of impression you're making? Good modern manners can help you make a splash, elevate your self-esteem, enhance your personal brand, and lead to what we're all looking for—greater success in every part of our lives. Nita Patel's debut book, Boss Vibes is authority, class, and edge all in one unique package. Her witty, fresh voice and clever, take-no-prisoners observations make it fun to stop and think about how we're really coming across to the world and where we want to go in our careers and personal lives. If you're ready to take a look at yourself—or know someone who might need a little help looking at themselves honestly—take a peek at just a few of the treats that await in Boss Vibes:

• It's All About You: Manners and Mindfulness for Self-Confidence and Success

• Sassy or Classy? What Your Clothes and Style Say About You

• Tongue Twisters: Surviving Conversational Quicksand

• Bon Appétit: Masterful Mastication and More

• Hey, Teens! Simple Steps Lead to Greatness

• The Office Blueprint: Your How-To Workplace Guide

"Brash, timely, and necessary...Follow Patel's gutsy advice—and don't forget to say thank you."

—Adriane Berg, Speaker, spokesperson, and host of Generation Bold Radio.com

"Nita Patel guides readers through a deliberate study of what it means to be both polite and personally effective."

—Chris P. Long, PhD, Associate Professor of Management, The Peter J. Tobin College of Business, St. John's University

"Get your boss vibes going!"

—Gabriela Pelin, Blockchain Business Leader, IBM

British-educated and Dallas native Nita Patel is a speaker, author, and visual artist. She is a veteran of corporate America with 20+ years in technology leadership and nurturing teams toward confidence and impact.

CHAPTER 1

SASSY OR CLASSY?

What Your Clothes and
Style Say About You

Did you know that you don’t have to open your mouth for people to judge you? In fact, you might not even have a chance to say a single word before others start to size you up. Studies show that first impressions are formed in as little as seven seconds of meeting someone. Simply seeing—according to some studies—is evaluating. As millennial expert Ashira Prossack puts it, “You’ve got a lot to pack into those seven seconds to make your impression a positive one.”

If you’re packing those seconds with the wrong attire, poor body language, or ghastly grooming, you might be lost before you get around to saying hello. So I’m here to help you clean up your act. Think of me as your personal shopper for this chapter—even though I’ll be picking more items and shouting, “Do not wear this!” than filling your shopping bag with goodies.

“But I’ve got to be me!” you grumble. By all means, be yourself. That is, after all, the easiest self to be. But be your best self. That means developing a personal sense of style that’s original and that hints at who you are as a person, but that is also always appropriate and never makes people want to close their eyes and run for cover like extras in a disaster movie.

Now, you may or may not know this, but it’s true: Americans, in general, are more relaxed. If you travel the world, you can’t help but notice that few people in other countries wake up and throw on yoga pants or running shorts without any intention of working out. In the United States, yoga pants and workout tops have become a cultural symbol of convenience. Instead, why not express your incredible sense of style, while also expressing a respect for the public realm that we all have to share?

One afternoon I walked into a conference room for my first in-person meeting with a rather senior consultant I had been working virtually with. He was from one of the top five most-reputable consulting firms in the world. I approached to shake his hand. However, before extending it, first he touched his nose. Oh, no! I was about to shake that hand and suddenly started calculating how quickly I could escape to re-sanitize. On top of that, as I reached my hand out, my eyes suddenly locked onto the fact that his fly was wide open and a bit of his shirttail was sticking out from it.

Of course, I tried to be discreet and not look as horrified as I felt while maintaining eye contact and sharing greetings. But I completely lost my train of thought! I was embarrassed, yes, but I also wanted to save him from further embarrassment. I felt like an extra in Sharknado, desperate to run for cover as Great Whites fell from the sky—except I wasn’t allowed to flee! I had to stay there, engaged in polite conversation. How can anyone maintain their train of thought and focus on get-acquainted chitchat with that in front of their face?

And if men face a variety of potential wardrobe catastrophes, women have it worse. We have so many more possibilities of mishaps, if only because the immense variety of accessories available to us increases the odds. I once interviewed a beautiful young lady, probably in her mid-thirties. She was ambitious. She really wanted the job. But she blew it.

Now, it’s true that if I met her at a party, I’d compliment her on her talent for accessorizing. But this wasn’t a party. It was a job interview, during which all I could hear or see were her dangly earrings flapping back and forth with every move, her big rings clanking against one another as she talked with her hands, and her purple and gold nails sparkling in my face. I don’t think I actually heard a thing she said, I was so dazed by the hypnotic power of those dancing earrings, percussive rings, and dazzling sparkles. I found myself wondering if she really knew what type of a job she was interviewing for. This was a pretty conservative company, and no one dressed like they were going to a holiday party. It was apparent that whether she was intellectually qualified or not, she would not fit in culturally. Needless to say, she did not get the job. Knowing how much she wanted it, I found it unfortunate that she had not come prepared to be taken seriously, and instead had focused on looking like the best dressed at a holiday party.

“You can have anything you want in life if you dress for it,” is how the great Oscar-winning designer Edith Head put it.

Let that be your mantra.

WHAT IS WELL-DRESSED?

A sultry style might work to a woman’s advantage when going on a date or even a girls’ night out, but in other life situations, it often results in being snickered about or not taken seriously. And being laughed at might not only impede your career, it’s also murder on your self-image and poison to your confidence. You’ll never get to the top at work if they don’t take you seriously—unless you’re in a movie. But you’re not. Life is not a movie.

It’s quite simple. When we dress well, people around us cannot help but sense our confidence. If we dress like slobs, it signals that we don’t care how we look—which means we don’t respect ourselves. Others, whether consciously or not, pick up on that cue and treat us accordingly. From there it’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of look-bad-feel-bad self-loathing. Whereas the opposite is also true: A great personal style announces a positive self-image and elicits positive feedback. It’s what we all strive for, isn’t it? It’s why we seek validation from others, hoping they’ll tell us how great we look today and how awesome our outfit is.

Remember, though, that looking stylish doesn’t mean looking like a walking promotion for brand names, no matter how expensive. Sporting designer logos just to show you can afford them won’t gain anything for you, unless you’re a celebrity getting paid for endorsements. And just because you can afford designer brands doesn’t mean it’s classy to look like a NASCAR driver, covered in logos. Two at a time is more than enough. It’s like getting your car gold-plated just because you have the cash to do it. It attracts attention, yes—because it’s hideous. Endorse yourself! Why not create your own personal statement that screams—or, better yet, calmly states—your name, who you are?

“FASHION FADES. ONLY STYLE REMAINS THE SAME.”
—COCO CHANEL

As for messages, who you don’t want to be, if you ask me, is someone who is blaring political, social, cutesy, or defiant statements at the rest of the world. There are many ways to support your beliefs or causes without walking around daring people to disagree with the slogan plastered across your chest or on the back of your jacket. Besides usually striking others as just plain over-the-top, wearing this garb can also have repercussions, offending people and even egging on those who would like nothing better than to hurt those with your beliefs. Why not just volunteer or donate instead?

It’s important to note that being age appropriate in how you dress never goes out of style. Age-inappropriate dressing comes in all sizes and genders but is most challenging for women, given the plentiful ways to dress and accessorize. For men, it’s much simpler as they have a top and a bottom, which is typically some form of pants or shorts. The important thing to note is dress for the setting you’re in.

Boss Vibes Style Standards:
Know Your Numbers

In your 20s: Take advantage of the wear-anything-and-make-it-seem-trendy years, but sweats and hoodies do not go with everything.

In your 30s: Toss those clubbing clothes; there’s so much more style to explore.

In your 40s: Yoga pants and flapping shorts are meant for yoga or workouts. Leggings are meant for winter sports. Got that?

In your 50s: Donate heels too high and anything glittery, torn, or distressed. Anything above the knees is too short.

WHO CAN YOU TRUST?

The first person you should trust is you. Not you on your own, however. You with your mirror.

When you’re all togged out and ready to hit the road, whether for work, play, the gym, the clubs, a special event, or just grocery shopping, stand in front of the mirror. And I don’t mean the one on your medicine cabinet. I mean a good full-length mirror. If you can afford the cost and have the space, the kind they have in some clothing shops and dressing rooms is an invaluable possession you will never regret owning—that’s the kind featuring two moveable hinged panels on the sides so you can check yourself out from every angle. And I do mean every angle.

Look into that mirror carefully, being as objective as possible in considering how you look, then try to put yourself in the place of other people. What would your mother say? Your significant other? Your most trusted friend? Your boss? If the answer is “Eeeek!” figure out why. If you have doubts, take a selfie and send an SOS to that trusted friend. This will help keep you from being inappropriately dressed for a cocktail party or being judged by moms at a PTA meeting.

As you survey yourself from top to toe, ask, Would I go to meet my future in-laws or show up for an important meeting or job interview looking like this and expect to be treated seriously and with respect? Does my hair look like I just got out of bed? Does my makeup scream “bargain bin”? Is this jacket too “Hey, man, that’s a decade ago”?

Not only is bedhead vastly unattractive, it also reminds people that you were recently in bed, not necessarily someplace they would like to picture you (or you would like them to picture you). Other thoughts are sure to follow: Has he brushed his teeth? Did she bathe? If you don’t have a three-way mirror, check the back of your head with a hand mirror. And speaking of beds, pajamas are not acceptable for wearing in public unless you’re at a hospital. Or if you’re under three feet tall and holding a teddy bear.

Meanwhile, back at the mirror, it’s never a bad idea to get a glimpse of yourself sitting down. Just pull a chair over or keep a folding one nearby. If you can see your underwear when you’re standing or sitting, you’re doing it wrong. Ladies, if you’re wearing a very short dress and the only reason your panties don’t show when you sit down is because you’re not wearing any, get thee to a nunnery! Seriously, don’t show any wares you aren’t selling. The same goes for bras. I don’t care how alluring you think that black lace bra is, keep it under your clothing. And the trashy trend of wearing bras beneath sheer tops? Madonna did that decades ago, so stop thinking you’re cutting-edge and leave it in the ’80s. Men, whether you’re in boxers, briefs, bikinis, a G-string, or a jockstrap, no one wants to see any of those hiked up out of the waistband of your pants. If you want to show off your manly underwear in public, bulk up and become Magic Mike. Take my word for it: When it comes to flaunting undergarments, you’re just badly dressed unless you’re on tour hawking a song or video. Remember, you are not Lady Gaga or Childish Gambino. The prefix “under” is there for a reason.

Let’s keep all parts personal and private covered appropriately. Being aware of how certain garments fit you is important.

There is one person never to trust if you want to know how good an outfit looks on you, and that is a salesperson. A salesperson isn’t really there to advise, help you shop, or serve your best interests. A salesperson is there to sell. Yes, some salespeople will say, “Oh, that’s not really for you,” but few will do so until you’ve already expressed some dissatisfaction.

Now, before you leave that mirror, check to make sure you haven’t succumbed to the kiss of death for appropriate dressing, which is always Too Tight. I know most of you would probably agree wholeheartedly with this and say, “Oh, I’d never wear something that was too tight.” I also know some of you have to lie flat on the bed or the floor to zip up your pants. Being able to breathe is far more important than being able to fit into a certain size, which no one will ever know or see. And remember, if you’re struggling to breathe in an outfit, how can you possibly enjoy yourself?

Don’t leave this to chance. Here’s how you’ll know if your dress or pants or body-fitting shirt is too tight. Is breathing an effort unless you take shallow breaths like someone about to hyperventilate? Does any part of your body hurt when you sit or walk? Are any of your body’s creases or crevices perfectly defined on the exterior of your apparel? Ladies, is that a back bulge we see behind you? Guys, do you think anyone wants to nibble that muffin top? Please keep in mind that just because something is your size doesn’t mean it’s your style. Sharply tapered designer shirts were not designed with heavier men in mind. Nor is Qiana or any other clingy fabric fit for a body with bulges or cellulite, because those flaws will stand out as clearly as if you were naked. Please don’t forget, especially you men, that there’s also such a thing as too loose. Baggy, falling-down sweats are just fine for a Friday night Netflix binge-watch party on your couch. Outside of that, you just look like someone who’s undergone sudden weight loss and haven’t bought clothes that fit the new you.

Two final reminders. First, regardless of how good you look, don’t miss the sniff test before donning any garments, unless they were washed or dry-cleaned recently. Too many attractively dressed people ruin a fine first impression the instant they get closer. Body odor isn’t sweet, while a blend of BO and stale dry-cleaning fluid is nauseating. And the musty smell of dirty clothes pulled out of the laundry basket can be downright deadly . . . to a budding romance or a promising career. Second, lint belongs in one place only, and that is the wastebasket. I suggest having both a large lint roller and a velour-type lint brush in your closet and keeping a small, travel-sized roller in your bag, briefcase, or car. In a pinch, you can ask a receptionist, salesperson, or restaurant server for a piece of clear tape about six inches long, insert one end between your pinkie and ring finger and the other between your middle and index finger, and tap away. This is helpful when dining out anywhere classy enough to have cloth napkins. Speaking of which, don’t hesitate to ask for a black napkin, because the white ones tend to deposit masses of dust and lint on any piece of black clothing.

HOW TO DRESS RIGHT EVERY TIME

It’s not all that hard to avoid showing up looking like you’re going to a masquerade rather than a wedding or a job interview. Do some research if it’s a special occasion. Call around and see what your friends will be wearing. Going to a new restaurant? Look up the website and see if it has photos of patrons or mentions a dress code. Think about the job you’re interviewing for—not just the position itself but the company’s image. Is it a hip, happening social media start-up, a dry-as-dust private bank, a sharp-and-slick hedge fund? Dress the part. Birthday party, wedding, funeral? Remember that you’re there to either celebrate or pay respect to the guest of honor, not to draw attention to yourself. No one has the right to upstage the guest of honor or the bride or groom. That’s an unfailing rule of thumb.

You will have much less risk of dressing disasters if you go through your closet and eliminate the stuff that’s passé, age inappropriate, or the wrong size. After all, your old fabulous could be someone else’s treasure. So, get yours out there where someone can use them. Your closet needs ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Introduction: It’s All About You
• 1. Sassy Or Classy?
• 2. Tongue Twisters
• 3. Bon Appétit
• 4. Personal Affects
• 5. Micro Moments
• 6. Hey, Teens!
• 7. The Office Blueprint
• 8. Unleashed and in The Open
• 9. Bon Voyage!
• Conclusion
• About the Author
• Author’s Note