Radiant Vermin

Philip Ridley

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2021
• Print ISBN: 9781350184817
• eBook ISBN: 9781350184824
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

"The hallmarks of a Ridley classic; a fast-paced modern fairy-tale that burrows into the dark wormholes of the imagination … reveals how below all that glitters, there's rarely gold." Exeunt Ollie and Jill want to tell you about their dream home. Some of the things they did to get it, you might find shocking. But they want you to know they did it all for their baby… A wickedly comic satire about a young couple offered a 'too good to be true' way onto the property ladder. Playful, provocative, and viciously sharp, this outrageous black comedy is a meditation on how far we will go to satisfy - and justify - materialistic greed. Radiant Vermin premiered in 2015 at Soho Theatre, London. This Modern Classics edition features a brand new introduction by Aleks Sierz.

Ollie and Jill.

Jill is holding a baby.

Jill Hello, I’m Jill.

Ollie And I’m Ollie.

Jill This is our son Benjy.

Ollie We’d like to tell you about our home.

Jill Our dream home.

Ollie That’s right.

Jill How we got it.

Ollie Exactly. Because . . . well . . .

Jill We’re good people.

Ollie We hope we are.

Jill We try to be.

Ollie And yet . . . some of the things we’ve done –

Jill To get our dream home.

Ollie Well . . . they’re not exactly . . . nice.

Jill No, they’re not.

Ollie In fact they’re . . .

Jill They’re . . .

Ollie . . . Horrible.

Jill I’m afraid they are, yes.

Ollie Some might even say . . . shocking.

Jill They would.

Ollie But I’m sure –

Jill We’re both sure.

Ollie Once we’ve . . . explained –

Jill Why we did –

Ollie What we did –

Jill Then you’ll understand.

Ollie Because everything we did.

Jill No matter how horrible.

Ollie No matter how shocking.

Jill We did it all –

Ollie and Jill For baby!

Jill Talking of which – Look at him!

Ollie He’s fast asleep.

Jill He’s had a busy day.

Ollie His birthday.

Jill One year old.

Ollie We had a party.

Jill In the garden.

Ollie The garden party from hell.

Jill Don’t give away the end of the –

Ollie Oh! Sorry, sorry.

Jill They’ll all be waiting for the garden party from hell now!

Ollie They won’t, they won’t – Garden party from hell! Forget I said it! – They’ve forgotten. See?

Jill . . . I’ll just pop Benjy in his cot.

Ollie I’ll be getting things started, shall I?

Jill Yes, yes, I won’t be long.

Exits.

Ollie Right! Now me and Jill – we’ve talked about where to begin explaining all this. And we’ve decided to start one and a half years ago. That’s six months before Benjamin was born. So. We’re not in our dream home now. Oh, no. We’re in a tiny flat in a place called Red Ocean Estate – Oh! You’ve heard of it, I see. Saw the documentary on telly, did you? ‘Crime capital of the universe’ and all that. Honestly, you’d think everyone on the estate was either a drug dealer or suicidal. True, the family that gassed themselves were drug dealers, but to spend half the programme on that single event was misleading in the extreme. So . . . here I am! In our Red Ocean Estate flat. Laying some more mice traps!

Jill We’ve just got a letter.

Jill has returned.

Ollie Too late for the post.

Jill Hand delivered. Looks official. (Reading) ‘Dear Mr and Mrs Swift, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Miss Dee and I would like – with your permission, of course – to talk to you about a subject that is very close to my heart. Namely, dream homes.’

Ollie Dream homes?

Jill ‘I have been asked by the local council to head a new department that will function as an offshoot of the government’s housing programme. The name of this new department is the D.S.R.C.D.H. Otherwise known as the Department of Social Regeneration through the Creation of Dream Homes.’

Ollie Never heard of it.

Jill ‘It gives me the deepest joy to inform both of you that you’ve been selected for participation in our new scheme.’

Ollie What scheme?

Jill ‘To put it simply. We will give you a house.’

Ollie What?!

Takes letter.

‘If you want to hear more about this wonderful opportunity please meet me at the house in question tomorrow at midday. The address is below along with directions.’ – Oh, it’s a joke! A pathetic telly show or something.

Jill A telly show?!

Ollie Yes! We’ll go there and they’ll be a film crew and – Let’s make fun of the underclass desperate to get on the property ladder.

Jill We are not ‘the underclass’.

Ollie Okay, okay.

Jill Desperate, possibly. Underclass? No.

Ollie It could be a crime gang.

Jill Ollie –

Ollie We’ll be robbed at gunpoint!

Jill Ollie! If...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Halftitle
• Title
• Copyright
• Introduction
• Dedication
• Series
• Chapters
• Body