When Words Hurt

Helping Godly Leaders Respond Wisely to Criticism

Warren Bullock

• Publisher: Salubris Resources
• Year: 2015
• eBook ISBN: 9781680670448
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Church

Criticism is a fact of life.

So how should a Christian respond? When Words Hurt: Helping Godly Leaders Respond Wisely to Criticism by Warren Bullock provides a wide array of biblical, grace-filled responses — from overlooking the criticism to mounting a robust defense — that will enable you to maintain your dignity while enhancing your personal integrity.

In When Words Hurt, you'll find answers to these and many other questions:

When is it appropriate to separate the critical message from the messenger?

Does negative, anonymous correspondence have any value?

When should we speak up and when should we stay quiet?

Leaders get criticized. No one gets an exemption. Whatever your level of leadership, verbal arrows will be shot at you, and some of them will hit their target. When Words Hurt will help you learn to face the criticism and the critic with grace.

CHAPTER

1

Every Leader’s Challenge

“A great door for effective work has opened to me,
and there are many who oppose me.”
1 Corinthians 16:9

The choice to lead something … opens you up to a world of pain.—Ruth Haley Barton

When I was just a little guy, probably six or seven years of age, I loved to “play” church. The congregation consisted of my older sister, two cousins who lived down the street, and me. We actually played dual roles; we were the congregation and the leaders/pastors. So we would take turns at the various aspects of a church service. One would lead the songs that we all knew by heart. Then someone would lead in prayer. If the prayer was particularly inspiring, we would also pray for the sick—each other—even though we were all healthy. Finally one of us would preach. We never preached very long because our audience had a very short attention span. After the message we would give the altar call, and someone in the audience of three would raise their hand for prayer and come to the altar to accept Jesus as their Savior. Over time each of us was saved several times.

My oldest cousin was the best preacher. He had a way with words, “the gift of gab,” as we used to say. He could string out a Bible story with inventive and imaginative embellishments. Even though I was very young, once in a while they let me preach. I don’t remember now what I said; it was probably a mishmash of everything I had heard my pastor-father say in the pulpit.

After our little church service was over, we would critique one another on how we could have done better, especially the preaching. Once after I had been the preacher, my sister and older cousin were quite direct in their criticism and it hurt my feelings. I had done my best, and it seemed like they didn’t appreciate it very much. I struggled to stifle the tears that threatened to slide down my cheeks. So they tried to soften their not-too-subtle barbs by attributing my inadequacies to my young age. After all, they were two whole years older than I, and thus so much more experienced.

Isn’t it interesting that when I page through my photo album of memories, the pictures about our playtime are fuzzy and distant, but the snapshot of peer criticism is as sharp and clear as if I had just taken it on my iPhone? I could have received ten compliments, but what clings to my memory are words that were less than complimentary.

When you’re on the front lines of battle, you’re going to get shot at. No leader is exempt.

What makes criticism stick in our minds like verbal velcro? It reminds me of the burrs that used to stick to my pants when I played in a weed patch. Criticism is like that.

This childhood experience with my sister and cousins was perhaps my first lesson in leadership: Leaders get criticized. And guess what? Nothing has changed. Leaders still get criticized. It goes with the territory. When you’re on the front lines of battle, you’re going to get shot at. No leader is exempt. Some verbal arrows will find their mark. We will be wounded; it’s inevitable. So we shouldn’t be shocked when it happens.

You Are a Leader

If you’re thinking, “That may be true, but it doesn’t apply to me because I’m not a leader,” think again. You’re a leader if anyone is following you. Do you have children, grandchildren, students, coworkers, friends, or associates? If so, someone is following you. You are a leader. Unfortunately that means you’ll be criticized.

A classic definition of leadership states that leadership is influence. Each of us has some degree of influence. The apostle Paul reminds us that “none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone” (Rom. 14:7). Our sphere of influence is probably greater than we understand, which means we are leading those we influence. Consequently criticism is going to come our way. The question is, “How are we going to handle it?”

We don’t all travel the same paths to places of leadership. Some paths are more like trails with twist and turns, underbrush and obstacles. They are arduous, challenging, and often undefined. Other paths seem more like freeways clogged with traffic; it takes a long time to get to our destination. Some paths to leadership may be slowed by traffic lights. They require stopping and starting, and take lots of energy. We may face detours along the way. Occasionally, we hit a dead end and have to turn around and find the path again. But, eventually, our place of leadership will come into view.

Here are some, but certainly not all, of the paths to leadership. By the time we finish reviewing them, I hope you are convinced that you are a leader.

Marriage

When a couple is happily united in marriage, they both instantly become leaders. The husband leads some aspects of the home, and the wife leads others. Consequently, when one leads, whether husband or wife, the other follows. Hence the Bible encourages married couples to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21).

Parenthood

Is there any more important leadership role than parenting? Dad and Mom are a child’s greatest influencers. Parents give a child direction through systematic, intentional instruction and discipline. But parents are also models for handling life with all its hairpin turns and ups and downs.

Have you ever seen a toddler trying to walk with his little feet in Daddy’s big shoes? How about little girls dressing up in Mommy’s clothes and high heels? We laugh at their playful efforts to be grown up, but something deeper is going on. Could these little ones be saying, “I want to be just like my Daddy or my Mommy”? Probably so. And most parents have realized that their influence is still required even after the kids leave home.

Position

When a postman is promoted to postmaster, that person assumes a leadership role with greater responsibilities because of the new position. The manager of a hardware store has more responsibility by virtue of his position than the stock boy does. A teacher is positioned for broad and lasting influence, both by what is taught and through the multiplication process inherent in teaching many different students.

Position doesn’t make anyone a leader, but position is the recognition and affirmation of leadership. Some positions have more influence and power than others. The office of president of the United States is certainly far more influential than almost any other position in our country. Yet in the position you hold, there is leadership influence.

Education

One doesn’t need an education to be a leader, but it helps. My father insisted, even demanded, that I attend Bible college before entering his profession—vocational ministry. So I was the first in our immediate family to earn a bachelor’s degree. That didn’t mean I was smarter than my Dad, but it did mean I was better prepared to be a minister than he had been at my age, a fact that delighted him.

Education compresses knowledge into a tighter learning timeframe than life experience. When knowledge is gained only through life-lessons and self-instruction, it takes much longer. Also, when others know your educational background, this enhances your credibility and expands your potential for effective leadership.

Credentials

Getting professional credentials often follows education. When I go to the doctor’s office, I want to see certificates and diplomas on the wall that validate my physician’s education, areas of specialization, and expertise. When I’m under a doctor’s care, he’s the leader. He tells me what I need to do to achieve and maintain good health. His credentials remind me that he’s the medical authority, not me.

The Gift of Leadership

Some people are natural leaders. When our son Jeff was eleven or twelve years old, I asked him to mow the lawn in the backyard. That was not a task he particularly enjoyed. In that he was much like his Dad! A few minutes later I looked out our patio window and was dismayed to see him sitting on the picnic table. Then I saw three or four of his neighborhood friends, and to my amazement they were taking turns doing the mowing. He had rounded them up and challenged them to see how fast they could make a circuit of the lawn with the mower. To increase the incentive he sat on the picnic table timing them. I don’t know who won the mowing contest, but Jeff exhibited leadership even at that young age, though not in a way I would have anticipated. He was, and still is, a leader. By the way, I wouldn’t recommend him or his crew to be your landscapers.

It would be fun at this point to debate whether leaders are born or developed. Good arguments can be marshaled on both sides of the issue. However the Bible makes it clear that the Holy Spirit endows some believers with the gift of leadership. “We have different gifts, according to the grace given us…. If it is leadership, let him govern diligently” (Rom.12:6–8). The Greek word for leadership means to guide with care.¹ There’s little question that this is an active gift in the lives of many Christ-followers. The gift may find expression through position, may be enhanced through education, and validated by credentials, but the source of the gift is the Holy Spirit who gives the gifts “just as he determines” (1 Cor. 12:11).

Pastors

The word pastor is not mentioned frequently in Scripture, but shepherd is often used. They are one and the same; the word for shepherd is also the word for pastor. So the apostle Paul told the Ephesian elders, “Be shepherds of the church of God” (Acts 20:28). Of course one of the primary tasks of the shepherd is to lead the flock, just as our Good Shepherd leads us beside quiet waters. Sheep without a shepherd will be scattered and set upon by wolves. They will get hungry from lack of food without a shepherd to lead them to green pastures. Of all that a pastor is to be and do, he must be a leader of God’s flock.

Calling

Among the highest aspirations of the believer is the desire to live life completely in the will of God, fulfilling His holy purposes daily. We know that beyond the call to salvation, God has called each of us to a unique destiny that provides personal fulfillment, fosters kingdom extension, and brings glory to God. Whatever our calling in God’s will may be, we live with a sense that divine providence is guiding us. When we follow the leadership of our great Shepherd, we experience the realization of our destiny.

We aren’t too shocked when those outside the circle of faith find fault and gossip, but when supposedly good Christians aim their verbal weapons at us, we may be caught off guard.

So are you convinced now that you are a leader? I hope so, because that’s the good news. Now get ready for some bad news.

Leaders Get Criticized

Yes, as a leader you are going to get your share of criticism. We aren’t too shocked when those outside the circle of faith find fault and gossip, but when supposedly good Christians aim their verbal weapons at us, we may be caught off guard. We assume that since all of us are on the same team, every team member will support the others. Unfortunately, we learn that our assumption is not true, and we can feel betrayed, sabotaged, and angry. “What is one to do with the people pains involved in leadership?”²

Having worked with hundreds of Christian leaders, I’ve discovered that many seem dismayed to learn that serving Jesus and fulfilling their calling is extremely hard, painful, and demanding. Yet we follow the One who said, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). The way of the cross requires us to affirm, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me” (Gal. 2:20). We are challenged to “endure hardship … like a good soldier of Christ Jesus” (2 Tim. 2:3).

So why do we seem so surprised when leadership is tough? Why does criticism throw us off our game? Why do we keep expecting bouquets instead of brickbats?...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Foreword
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: Every Leader’s Challenge
• Chapter 2: Analysis of a Critic
• Chapter 3: Overlooking an Offense
• Chapter 4: The Elijah Syndrome
• Chapter 5: The Hezekiah Model
• Chapter 6: The Jesus Way
• Chapter 7: Confronting the Critic
• Chapter 8: Divine Vindication
• Chapter 9: Character Trumps Criticism
• Endnotes
• About the Author