The Comeback

Ben Ashenden, Alex Owen

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN:
  9781848429925
• eBook ISBN:
  9781788503600
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Up-and-coming comics Alex and Ben have been booked in the warm-up spot for a beloved but fading double act's comeback tour. Neither is delighted to be playing to a sparse crowd in a sleepy seaside town – but when it's revealed that a Hollywood director is in the audience, both acts glimpse a final chance for their big break. Cue sabotage, mistaken identity and full-on farcical mayhem, as the performance descends into a desperate battle for the limelight. With the action alternating between offstage and on, and the tone between Noises Off and Morecambe and Wise's old-school charm, The Comeback is a heart-warming exploration of bittersweet nostalgia and the enduring power of friendship. It is the joyful and dazzlingly funny debut play by The Pin's award-winning Ben Ashenden and Alex Owen – 'destined to become one of the great comedy duos' (Radio Times). It opened at the West End's Noël Coward Theatre in December 2020. 'A bulletproof nugget of comic theatre' Guardian 'Will simply make you laugh your socks off'Evening Standard

ACT ONE

Scene One

We are onstage in the Didlington Arts Theatre. Once a handsome Victorian music hall, now a shabby D-list tour stop. A red curtain is lit by footlights. As the announcer’s voice filters into the auditorium, the house lights fade, and the stage lights illuminate a narrow performance space.

ANNOUNCER (voice-over). Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage your warm-ups for this evening… Alex and Ben!

Two men in their thirties bound on from behind the curtain, stage-right, beaming smiles at the audience: ALEX, an ebullient and impressionable optimist, and BEN, a stern and blunt misanthrope.

BEN. Hello, everyone, hello! Thanks for coming. Before we begin I should tell you guys about a new system we are trialling tonight to stop us talking over each other, which has been a bit of a problem on tour –

ALEX. Yeah it’s been a bit of an issue –

BEN. Well let me just explain the system and –

ALEX. Yeah, yeah.

BEN. It’s called the conch system.

BEN pulls out a shell.

Basic rule is: when you’re holding a shell you can speak –

ALEX pulls out his own shell.

ALEX. And when you’re not, you can’t.

BEN. No. Why have you got one?

ALEX. Oh, the shell guy did an incredible deal.

BEN snatches ALEX’s shell away. ALEX is still all smiles to the audience.

BEN. Gimme that. The system is based on logic. I think Aristotle said if two competing forces –

ALEX pulls out yet another shell.

ALEX. It was an unbelievable deal –

BEN furiously snatches that away too, bristling with irritation.

BEN. Forget it. I’m going to get rid of these, and then we’ll start properly.

BEN exits round the curtain, stage-right. ALEX gets a cheeky idea.

ALEX.…Ooh! Chance for a little prank: when Ben comes back on, I’ll ask him if he says either or i-ther. And then, if he says either, I’ll say, ‘Ooh okay so you just say i-ther.’ Hahaha! And then he’ll say, ‘No I just told you I say either.’ And I’ll say, ‘That’s what I’m saying, you just say i-ther,’ and he’ll say ‘Noo…’ and it’ll go on and on and really wind him up!

BEN re-enters.

BEN. Okay, guys, so:

ALEX. Ben, quick question, mate. Do you say either or i-ther?

BEN.…er… I just vary between the two.

ALEX’s smile fades. What now?

You okay?

ALEX gestures for BEN to carry on.

Alright, third time lucky! Welcome to the show, I’m Ben, and a bit about me: before I was a comedian I was actually a teacher, so be warned, if you don’t laugh…

BEN wags a finger warningly as if to say ‘you’ll be in trouble’.

ALEX. He’ll have to go back to that.

BEN. I’m not going back to that.

ALEX. No, sorry.

BEN. If I went back to anything it’d be my charity work. I actually volunteered for Greenpeace for the best part of last year.

ALEX.…Christmas Day?

BEN. Best part.

ALEX. Right, yep.

BEN (to audience). You must be so excited, ladies and gents, to see your main act tonight, the comedy legends, Jimmy and Sid.

ALEX. And we’ll be getting them on very shortly, but first, here’s a sketch…

They begin the sketch: a film-noir-style private-investigator scene. The INVESTIGATOR (BEN), mimes smoking a cigarette, and stares severely into the distance. The client, MR BANLEY (ALEX), shudders under the weight of his paranoia.

MR BANLEY (ALEX). ‘Please. I need to know. I’ve suspected her for months, and I’ve come to you out of desperation, so tell me… is she cheating on me?’

The INVESTIGATOR takes a long drag on his cigarette and slowly turns, relishing his power.

INVESTIGATOR (BEN). ‘…No.’

MR BANLEY. ‘Oh, thank God! And you’re sure?’

INVESTIGATOR. ‘I’m a private investigator, Mr Banley, it’s my job to be sure.’

MR BANLEY. ‘Of course.’

INVESTIGATOR. ‘Which is why what I’ve got to say next might come as quite a shock.’

MR BANLEY. ‘What is it?’

The INVESTIGATOR toys with MR BANLEY, enjoying a tantalising pause…

INVESTIGATOR. ‘I’m afraid, Mr Banley, that she’s… your mother.’

Beat.

MR BANLEY. ‘Which Mrs Banley did you investigate?’

The INVESTIGATOR realises his mistake and the shameful hubris of it all hits him hard.

INVESTIGATOR. ‘…I’ve wasted a great deal of our time.’

The sketch is over. ALEX and BEN turn out to the audience.

ALEX and BEN. Thank you, thank you!

ALEX. There’s actually a funny backstory to that sketch, cos amazingly we saw that play out in real life!

BEN. Literally word for word, we didn’t have to change anything.

ALEX. Yeah, we were watching, cracking up, and just immediately went, ‘Well that’s going straight in the act!’

BEN. It was, what, last year?

ALEX. Yeah we saw it happen in a, er… sketch show.

BEN. So big thanks to The League of Gentlemen. (Seems to get distracted.) Alex, I like your shoes by the way.

ALEX. Thanks. There’s actually a funny backstory about these shoes. I got them… from a mysterious Arab boy…

Beguiling exotic music plays as the boys theatrically swap sides in preparation for a new scene. The music finishes.

BEN (not going into a scene). Well they’re very nice.

ALEX. Thank you.

BEN. In this next sketch Alex plays a character called Martin… which becomes apparent almost immediately.

They begin the sketch: GAV (BEN) and MARTIN (ALEX) stand beside each other, awkwardly.

GAV (BEN). ‘Martin, can I – ’

BEN nods to the audience: the ‘Martin’ information really does come very quickly. He returns to the sketch…

‘Martin, can I ask you a… potentially embarrassing question?’

MARTIN (ALEX). ‘Sure, what’s up?’

GAV. ‘Well… it’s… er… alright, I’ll just say it. Basically, Martin… my wife and I would really… we would really like a threesome?’

MARTIN is blindsided. GAV regrets asking.

MARTIN. ‘Er… oh.’

GAV. ‘Sorry, I know that’s a bit…’

MARTIN. ‘A threesome. Right. So… so you want me to get out of the bed?’

GAV. ‘We just think four is too many.’

MARTIN. ‘Nice to meet you, Sarah – ’

GAV. ‘Just go.’

GAV gestures to ‘other people’ who are apparently in the room with them, and MA...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production Details
• The Comeback
• About the Authors
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information