Scene One
Front Room
Delroy stands laughing loudly with a Guinness in his hand. He is clearly drunk.
Delroy It was as if things werenât bad enough. It was the punch in Punch and Judy, the real in surreal . . . I mean, like I didnât know, understand, get, how twisted, corked, mash-up life can be already. They was gonna take my dignity too . . . my dignity, man . . . but I wasnât gonna let him know that.
Wasnât gonna give him, them, the pleasure. Though to be fair he was nice . . . well as you can be in the circumstances, considering. I mean like, he would never have known the size of the crater on my heart.
Heâs got as shit a job as mine I guess. So maybe I should just enjoy the fact I had a white man doing a Kaepernick. I am guessing everyone knows what Iâm on about? Colin Kaepernick. Youâd have to be the biggest tosser in the world not to know, right. Youâd have to have your head so stuck up your privilege not to know, youâd need Nelson Mandela to rise from the dead and twerk, naked, on the finish line at Ascot to actually see black people exist. So heâs kneeling there . . . in front of me . . . and heâs telling me, showing me, explaining how Iâm gonna have to manage this shit. But even though it was killing me . . . all Iâm thinking of really is her . . . her, who is she? Where is she? Is she ok? but I have to engage . . . but I keep drifting off . . . thinking about her . . . wanting to hold her, smell her . . . then heâs says the words âbreachâ.
Man Youâll be in breach.
Delroy And my mind whip pans to his will.
Iâll breach?
Man Yeah and that can . . . well thatâs like, youâre fucked! They could bang you up for that.
Delroy I nodded like a schoolboy being a chastised by his headmaster. He could see my ego sliding off under the door. So in an effort to lighten the mood he asked
Man What do you do?
Delroy I paused to try and work out if he was the right kind of person to tell. Noticing my reticence, he looked down to my ankle and clicked it in place thoughtfully and then asked.
Man Alright, whatâs the funniest thing about your job?
Delroy And I just go into one . . . must be the nerves, the anger, the shame . . . yeah the utter shame of it all . . .
The surprise
I say as he stands up and plugs me into the wall.
The surprise . . . yeah, the surprise . . . I think people fink, theyâre kinda untouchable, well not untouchable just . . . just that it wonât go âthatâ wrong for âem. Well, until we bailiffs rattle their cage . . . yeah, bruv, I used to come in and shatter that shit good.
He laughs his infectious laugh fully again.
Cheez . . . the look on the their faces . . . itâs like all the muscles in their face just give up . . . like some hundred-year-old manâs scrotum, all lifeless and southbound.
He goes for his bag and starts packing his stuff up but keeping eye contact with me, like heâs fully engaged, interested, when he mustâve been dying for me to shut the fuck up.
He giggles childishly.
Every time same shit, like itâs some kinda âsurpriseâ. They havenât paid! The rent, the mortgage or whatever, they ainât paid! So whereâs the fucking surprise.
Cracks me up.
Posh Man GET OUT!
Working-Class Woman Leave me stuff alone.
Delroy This student said my favourite. Stood there . . . this guy, made a grunge attire look well dressed he did.
Student HOW DARE YOU!
Delroy Thatâs my favourite . . . he ainât paid his bills and Iâm the scum. âHow dare you!â Jokes, man.
He drinks down the last of the Guinness and opens another.
Then . . . he wants my sympathy . . . I mean what the actual fuck . . . I was like Mate, Iâm a black man. Of West Indian descent, claiming some kinda Britishness . . . on the account of the fact that I was born here and my grandparents was born in a British colony that âreach inna Englandâ with a British passport in the fifties, and had learnt all the British values there, of not giving a shit about anybody! Part from their kin . . . Iâm a product of this country!
Student Come on âmanâ you could help me. We could âkeep it on a downlowâ.
Delroy I said to him, Boss man, youâre tripping.
Heâs got his coat on now, this tagman fellow, and heâs holding the door knob hinting desperately at me that he wants to talk . . . but I donât wanna hear what heâs got say . . . I donât wanna hear the truth of what he has to say so I carry on.
He laughs taking a large swig of Guinness.
Hereâs the rub . . . if there are no evictions, I donât get paid and I need to get paid or Iâm not a good member of society, right?
Thatâs capitalism ainât it? Or consumerism . . . one of the two . . . someone has to pay for me to live rich . . . thatâs British values, no? . . . all this.
Michael Weâre in it together.
Delroy Datâs what Michael . . . my mate Michael gives it.
Michael Weâre in it together, Delroy.
Delroy laughs.
Delroy He says, white guy.
Iâve known him since school. My best friend to be honest . . . but itâs been on the ropes . . . the friendship . . . he mugged me right off a while back and, well, they hated me doing this job, goes against . . . well . . . Iâm not sure but . . . I was like âIâm British!â . . . all we do is clap, pull down a few statues and discuss.
Bout their looking at me for sympathy, whoâs Michael to think I should have sympathy. Iâm like, âGet de fuck out of de yard!â
Man It takes about a hour and half to charge.
He says, not taking a breath in case I start popping off again. But Iâm on a roll.
Delroy And my daughter! She was born eight weeks ago, and I ainât even seen her. Theyâve made no effort to make things right . . .
It came like vomit from deep inside me, unannounced and visceral as fuck.
None of them! No effort! . . . they didnât even come to court!
Man I gotta go, mate . . .
Delroy His knitted brow making it clear heâd got the arse with me now.
Man Remember if it bleeps youâre in breach . . . so youâve got to keep it charged . . . right?
Delroy I nodded again like the schoolboy from before.
Man Charge it every day . . . right.
Delroy And with dat . . . he was gone like some CIA operative . . . all he needed was a plume of smoke and I would have thought Iâd imagined it. I looked down at it . . . my tag, my fucking tag and laughed.
He laughs loudly. He takes a big swig.
To be honest though I never gave a fuck who it was we evicted, black, white, Indian, Chinese . . . European . . . though thatâs white still though, right? . . . sometimes I find that shit funny too . . . Whites hating whites cos they got a different accent . . . funny bwoy . . . when they know, unlike us, blacks, if they breed here, their kids will be considered more English then me! Whoâs got generations of Britishness but thatâs being British innit . . . well thatâs what works for most of us apart from that lot . . . the Kumbaya lot who just love to march, while singing and partying.
He laughs, mimicking them.
Thinking that it can make changes, jokers . . . love to travel that lot, think theyâre better than us for it too . . . fuck dat, staying right here, earning my corn, get a nice car, lickle flat, big flat-screen TV...