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Caroline's Kitchen
Torben Betts
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eBook - ePub
Caroline's Kitchen
Torben Betts
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About This Book
Monogamy means sharing your life with one person, but what if you shared your kitchen with 5.6 million? Caroline Mortimer, the nation's favourite TV cook, has it all ā a sparkling career, a big house in Highgate, a (golf) loving husband, smart kids and the best kitchen money can buy. But beneath the immaculate furnishings, studio lighting and away from the glare of the ever-present cameras ā Caroline must face the looming collision of living a private life in the public eye. What happens when the cameras turn off and the truth comes out? Caroline's Kitchen serves up deft dialogue in absurd situations: "Betts paints a wonderfully lurid picture of the middle classes, juxtaposed with the fragility of those who serve them" ( The Stage ). First performed as Monogamy at Malvern Theatre starring Janie Dee, it then embarked on a national tour. It is a searing, sharp, state of the nation comedy from one of the UK's most exciting playwrights, Torben Betts.
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ACT TWO
A loud thunderclap. The storm increases in intensity throughout the remainder of the play.
CAROLINE continues laying the table.
LEO: Will you please look at me!?
CAROLINE: I am looking at you, darling!
LEO: No, youāre not!
CAROLINE: You couldnāt help me with this, could you?
LEO: I want to know why you havenāt told him yet.
CAROLINE: Weāll have the champagne before we eat of course.
LEO: This is really importantā¦
CAROLINE: Think your father wants to give you a little speech.
She stops moving and grabs the kitchen top, breathing hard.
LEO: Mum?
CAROLINE: Oh, Leo, I have done such a terrible, terrible thing.
LEO: Falling out of a taxi is hardly a terrible thing.
CAROLINE: You donāt understand.
LEO: You gave me your word that by the time Iād graduated youād haveā¦
CAROLINE: Will you pass me those please?
He passes her some plates etc.
LEO: If you donāt tell him right now then I promise you Iāllā¦
CAROLINE: Tonight is really not the best time.
LEO: Do you understand what Iām saying to you?
CAROLNE: And please donāt mention this silly idea of going off toā¦
LEO: In what way is it silly?
CAROLINE: Because itās yet another thing youāve not thought through properly.
LEO: You need to start putting me first for once in your life!
CAROLINE: I do put you first.
LEO: You always put him first.
CAROLINE: He needs me.
LEO: I need you.
CAROLINE: Not as much as he does.
LEO: Iāve only had your voicemail for the last four months!
CAROLINE: Iāve had the show, Iāve been publicising this book up and down the country, Iāve been renovating this house for sale.
LEO: Feels like youāre cutting me outā¦
CAROLINE: Iāve been buying the place in Cornwall.
LEO: Like youāre cutting me right out.
CAROLINE: Iāve also got my mother down there to deal with.
LEO: Whatever.
CAROLINE: Whom Iāve recently had to put into a home, Leo.
LEO: But you could still return my calls!
CAROLINE: Iām sorry I havenāt told your father yet. Because I will. But please, please let me pick the right time.
He sits, head in hands, as she continues to set the table around him.
This is supposed to be a happy occasion, darling. Youāve worked so hard for all these years and weāre both so enormously proud.
LEO: Well, you might be butā¦
CAROLINE: Oh God, Leo, what have I done?
LEO: What do you mean?
CAROLINE: What the hell have I done?
With an effort she calms herself.
Please. Tell your mother. Tell your mother about this broken heart of yours. What silly idiot has let you slip through their fingers?
LEO: Who do you think itās been broken by?
CAROLINE: I really donāt know.
LEO: Yes, you do!
CAROLINE: So it wasnāt byā¦Iwo-Jima?
LEO: What is the matter with you?
CAROLINE: I got her name wrong again, didnāt I?
LEO: Why are you doing this to me?
CAROLINE: Iām not intentionally doing anything to you!
LEO: Itās like youāre completely insane.
CAROLINE: Iām sort of all over the place right nowā¦
LEO: Is it because it goes against your stupid religion?
CAROLINE: My religion is not at all stupid!
LEO: Iāve had my heart broken by Rory! You understand? By Rory! Who is male!
CAROLINE: Can you please keep your voice down?
It now starts to rain outside. The rainfall increases throughout.
Rory is theā¦the Scottish chap?
LEO: (Angry.) Of course heās the Scottish chap!
A silence.
(Quieter.) Of course heās the Scottish chap.
CAROLINE: Iām sorry if you feel I havenāt been there for you. I really am.
No response.
But youāre still so young. There are so many bright, brilliant people out thereā¦
LEO: I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
CAROLINE: I know itās hard if you believe you love someoneā¦
LEO: I donāt just believ...