Made, Known, Loved

Developing LGBTQ-Inclusive Youth Ministry

Ross Murray, Ross Murray

• Publisher: Fortress Press
• Year: 2021
• Print ISBN: 9781506468006
• eBook ISBN: 9781506468013
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Ministry

Through the debates about the inclusion of LGBTQ people in the life of the church, one overlooked community is LGBTQ youth. Made, Known, Loved: Developing LGBTQ-Inclusive Youth Ministry builds on experience and wisdom cultivated through The Naming Project, a ministry created at the intersection of youth, faith, and LGBTQ identity.

Formed at a time when the overlap of such categories was unthinkable, The Naming Project provides a place where youth of all sexual orientations and gender identities can be safe and affirmed in their identity and faith. Because of that foundational work, other pastors and youth ministers often reach out to leaders of The Naming Project with their questions about LBGTQ-inclusive youth ministry. Made, Known, Loved provides the guidance these leaders have been asking for.

The book first helps congregation leaders and parents examine the values of the congregation and youth group. It focuses on keeping young people, including LGBTQ youth, safe and helping them feel respected and see themselves as beloved children of God. The book also provides a how-to manual for LGBTQ-inclusive youth ministry, sharing the best procedures and practices from the fifteen-plus years of The Naming Project's ministry, including its ongoing summer camp.

Made, Known, Loved shows congregations how to create a program that affirms LGBTQ youth in their faith and their identity, accepts and welcomes diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, and equips future leaders for the church and the LGBTQ community.

Chapter 1

What Questions Should I Be Asking about LGBTQ Youth Ministry?

“How do you do sleeping arrangements?”

This is the question first and most frequently asked of us at The Naming Project. It’s not a bad question. But fundamentally that question, and others like it, considers LGBTQ youth as a logistical problem to be solved.

Logistical questions cannot be answered out of context. The way The Naming Project organized sleeping arrangements at our camp has evolved over time and in response to a changing context. I’ll tell that story later. First, I want to address the mindset we Christian leaders need to have when we are considering how to make our congregations and ministries inclusive for LGBTQ youth.

Instead of focusing on logistics, start with your congregation’s or group’s identity and values. Ask yourself, What are the values your congregation or your camp has for the youth who participate in your ministry? What are your values around the welcoming and acceptance of LGBTQ youth? How does the theology of imago Dei, grace through faith, and vocation determine your ministry with LGBTQ youth? If you haven’t thought about how an LGBTQ youth might experience and understand theological concepts before, then it’s time to start thinking about it now.

When we were first establishing The Naming Project, we talked extensively with youth experts, social workers, and those who worked in the LGBTQ space to see if this idea could fly. One social worker liked our idea but challenged us to define our identity further. “Is this a Lutheran program, a Christian program, a religion program, or a spirituality program?” she asked. “How you define what sort of group this is will change who is interested, what you offer, and for what you need to be prepared.”

Her question forced us to pause. It wasn’t a question we had considered. Having grown up in the Lutheran church, I probably had a rather myopic vision of the world. I assumed that the whole world looked like the Lutheran church in which I grew up. Her question pushed me to broaden my vision.

Jay and I discussed it. As Christian ministers, we knew we weren’t going to be helpful to youth who had questions about the theology, values, and worldviews of non-Christian faiths, youth such as the Muslim Somali kids in the Minneapolis neighborhood where Jay’s church was located. We imagined that an LGBTQ Muslim youth might hear about our program and approach us for help. We had a hard time imagining how we could competently support them, since we knew relatively little about Muslim faith or Somali family dynamics. We wanted to be able to point the youth toward affirming congregations, but at the time, we didn’t know non-Christian affirming religious groups.

There weren’t enough LGBTQ Lutheran youth to warrant a program just for them, even in the Lutheran-dense Twin Cities, so we had to think of a program for a wider range of youth. Eventually, we decided to offer a Christian LGBTQ youth ministry for any youth. We could be supportive of youth who weren’t Christian, but we would be running the program with Christian principles and values that would guide how we led. That would allow us to lead and teach from a place of integrity while also being open to listening to the lived experiences the youth brought to us.

Your particular values will likewise inform your actions. Youth ministries that see LGBTQ youth as damaged or dangerous will treat them as such. They will enact policies that police rather than protect LGBTQ youth. When encountering a logistical problem—especially when it involves people, especially young people, especially LGBTQ youth and other marginalized groups—it’s often helpful to step back to examine your values. Values transcend logistics, and values are played out logistically in different contexts.

By now you’ll have realized that I’m not going to spend any time or energy convincing you that sexual orientation and gender identity are a part of God’s creation, including LGBTQ sexual orientations or gender identities. I’m not going to rehash the biblical arguments, because others have done that better than I could. Take a look at Appendix A to see a fuller resource list.

Instead, I’m assuming that you recognize that there are LGBTQ youth in your congregation, and you intend them to be able to be open about their full, authentic selves at church. If you don’t share this assumption, then this book may not be helpful to you. If your values include maintaining a binary view of the world, of keeping people in a specific role, or that LGBTQ people are flawed and cannot participate fully in the church and society, then flip to some of the resources in Appendix A that make the case that LGBTQ people were created by God, were endowed with inherent dignity and worth, and are called to full participation in the church and the world.

When we were first establishing The Naming Project, our values informed our actions. But we also intentionally wrote a mission statement and a goal statement that laid out those values and how we would live them out. This was the result:

The mission of The Naming Project is to create places of safety for youth of all sexual orientations and gender identities where faith is shared and healthy life-giving community is modeled.

The goal of The Naming Project is to provide a safe and sacred space where youth of all sexual orientations and gender identities are named and claimed by a loving God; can explore and share faith; experience healthy and life-giving community; reach out to others; and advocate for systemic change in church and society.1

The mission statement and the goal statement highlight a few of our values:

• • LGBTQ youth are created and known by a loving God, who hasn’t made a mistake in creation—a God whose creation includes a diverse range of sexual orientations and gender identities.
• • Youth can be who they are. We assumed that our youth were living in a world that wasn’t letting them be fully and authentically themselves. In order to get by, they were suppressing their sexual orientation or gender identity. Some were “performing” exceptionally well so that no one viewed them as “deficient” in any way. They felt like they had to be the “right” kind of Christian.
• • Youth will not be judged. We want to ensure that youth can enter our space with all their doubts and uncertainties. We want them to be able to be honest about figuring out who they are, how they identify, and what language they use to talk about themselves. We won’t pressure them into being our version of either LGBTQ or Christian. We want to make sure that youth are making wise choices and keeping themselves safe, without judging or shaming them for whatever they have done. We want to be able to listen and provide guidance from a place that comes from support, not judgment.
• • Youth will be safe. Safety is multifaceted. Just as we don’t want youth to slip and break a leg while they are in our program, so too we don’t want them to be harassed or sexualized by adults or other youth. We don’t want them to be belittled for who they are and what they believe. If we cannot assure their safety, then we should not be operating a youth ministry, much less an LGBTQ youth ministry.
• • LGBTQ youth respond to the gospel. We don’t shy away from sharing the gospel with LGBTQ youth, even as we welcome them from wherever they are. We invite exploration of Scripture, connecting the stories of Scripture to their daily lives.

Marcus,2 one of our early participants, put it this way: “I want to come here and be as gay as I want and have as many doubts as I can have, and I won’t be hit on or made to feel like I’m not good enough.”

These guidelines were simple to set, but keeping them takes intentionality and work. Safety doesn’t just happen, no matter how much we want it to or how much we talk about it. We have to pray for the best and be fully prepared for the worst.

With those values articulated, we could then look at each context as it came up to make decisions about what would work in whatever space we were doing ministry. Along the way, that did also include sleeping arrangements. But that comes later.

Chapter 2

What If I Encounter Resistance Establishing an LGBTQ Youth Ministry?

You’ve decided that your youth ministry is going to be intentionally welcoming to LGBTQ youth. Your values include the beliefs that God created LGBTQ youth in love and that they, like all youth, need an opportunity to grow in faith in a safe and caring environment.

Perhaps you are establishing this youth ministry out of a personal conviction. Perhaps you are doing it because you are a parent of an LGBTQ youth and want a safe and caring place for your own child. Perhaps, like me, you are doing this because you are an LGBTQ adult, and you want to create the safe and caring group in your church that you didn’t have as a youth.

No matter how personally convicted you are to take steps to be more welcoming and inclusive to LGBTQ youth, because you are working within a wider context, you will encounter resistance. It is possible that your congregation isn’t as welcoming to LGBTQ people as you want your youth group to be. Your pastor may not be as accepting as you are. You may have members of your congregation who oppose the idea of including LGBTQ youth or want to put restrictions on youths’ participation. Or you may be in a community that is much less accepting than your congregation is. You can still take steps to make your youth group a welcoming place, but if you encounter resistance, your work will be more difficult. Be prepared.

In a perfect world, the congregation would be just as much of a welcoming place as the youth ministry. Some congregations have designated themselves as open to LGBTQ people. Programs like Reconciling in Christ in the Lutheran Church or Open and Affirming in the United Church of Christ maintain rosters of congregations who have made an explicit statement of welcome that includes LGBTQ people.1 These designations are usually accomplished through a congregation-wide process to understand what it means to include LGBTQ people and to ensure that the congregation wholly supports it.2 The statements rarely include mention of youth specifically, but an overall declaration of welcome for the congregation will have a strong impact on the youth ministry of the congregation.

It’s worthwhile to work toward an LGBTQ welcoming statement for the entire congregation, but it can be a years-long process, and you might become frustrated at the slow pace. You just want your youth ministry to be a hospitable place. How do you achieve that?

First, make youth aware that you are a safe conversation partner even if you believe no one else in the congregation is. If a youth is looking for an adult to come out to, they will be looking for hints that you are a safe person. A door sign or sticker, especially with a rainbow, is an effective way to visually communicate where LGBTQ-friendly places are. The rainbow can be as prominent or as subtle as needed.

The practice of dropping a subtle signal like this isn’t new. It’s what the early Christians did to identify one another. The now common ichthys, or “Jesus fish” symbol, was used starting in the second century, when Christians were still being persecuted by the Roman Empire. The symbol was a way of hiding in plain sight. Someone not familiar with the symbol would miss it, while Christians would recognize the symbol as an indication that the location or the people were fellow Christians and presumably safe.

The rainbow flag has served a similar purpose for LGBTQ people. Especially in hostile environments, the rainbow flag has been placed on the doors of businesses, homes, and even churches to communicate “This is a safe place.” Symbols like this have become important, especially in states that have passed laws allowing businesses to refuse service to LGBTQ people. The rainbow sticker communicates that LGBTQ people will not be turned away, saving them significant shame and humiliation.

The same principle can apply to your desk or door inside of the church. Even if the rest of the congregation is ambivalent or hostile to LGBTQ people, you can use a subtle rainbow sticker to indicate that you are a safe person.

If you want to demonstrate a deeper awareness of the nuances of each of the communities under the broader LGBTQ umbrella, research the other flags associated with it. Each subcommunity has its own flag with its own color scheme. The transgender flag is pink, white, and pastel blue. The bisexual flag is a much bolder pink, blue, and purple. The list goes on and on. While the rainbow flag can communicate a pretty generic welcome, these more nuanced flags and color schemes demonstrate your awareness of youth who are transgender, bisexual, and so on. If you want to signify awareness and acceptance for specific communities, place these flags and color schemes at your desk space. People who aren’t aware of the nuances of the LGBTQ community may not recognize these color schemes, but any youth who identifies with one of these communities will notice and will feel even more seen and welcomed by you.

Of course, if you display a symbol that signifies that you are a safe and welcoming person, your words and actions need to back that up. Proactively bring up the reality of LGBTQ people and the issues they face. It may be in reflecting on the week’s news, or referencing an inclusive television show, or mentioning well-known LGBTQ people. You don’t need to talk at length or make any protracted sermons about them. If you have to be subtle, no explanation or justification is needed. It is enough to acknowledge that you are aware of the reality of LGBTQ people in your life, in your community, and in our world.

You can reinforce your values about what sort of youth group you will be. Speak of safety and acceptance as your group’s core values. Underline God’s unconditional love and remind youth that you are trying to imitate that unconditional love. When proactively stated before the full youth group, these values will let any youth who is questioning their own identity know that you are a safe person. You are walking the walk.

If a youth does trust you enough to confide in you about their self-discovery and you know that you are in a less-than-accepting environment, you have a careful balancing act to negotiate. You want to support the youth and also keep them safe. This requires being honest with them about how the rest of the congregation feels even while assuring them of your own ongoing support. Remain professional; do not gossip, but be honest with the youth about what challenges they might encounter and where they can find allies within the congregation and community.

One of the biggest challenges will be if your church’s pastor is anti-LGBTQ. If you are a professional youth minister, this person is likely your boss, who has much more direct control over your actions. Even if your pastor is not your boss, they wield significant influence over the congregation.

Other times, the resistance will come from other parishioners or even from outside the congregation. Pe...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• 1: What Questions Should I Be Asking about LGBTQ Youth Ministry?
• 2: What If I Encounter Resistance Establishing an LGBTQ Youth Ministry?
• 3: Should I Set Up a Program Exclusively for LGBTQ Youth? Or Just Practice Inclusivity?
• 4: How Much Should We Focus on Issues Other Than Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity?
• 5: How Jesus-y Should Our Program Be?
• 6: What Do LGBTQ Youth Want to Be Called?
• 7: What Is the Big Deal about Names?
• 8: How Can the Church Help Youth Wrestle with Identity Questions?
• 9: What Holy Days and Rituals Do LGBTQ Youth Observe? Are These Even Christian?
• 10: What Rituals Exist for Personal LGBTQ Milestones?
• 11: When Should We Be Serious and Heavy? When Should We Be Fun and Campy?
• 12: What Part of an LGBTQ Youth’s Story Do I Need to Believe?
• 13: When Should I Keep Confidence and When Should I Report?
• 14: What Kind of Adult Should Lead LGBTQ Youth Ministry?
• 15: What Relationship Guidelines Can the Church Teach LGBTQ Youth?
• 16: What Is Faithful LGBTQ Sex Education?
• 17: When Is It Important to Know a Person’s Gender? Why Would It Be Necessary?
• 18: What about Sleeping Arrangements?
• 19: I’ve Divided Youth into Small Groups by Gender—What Should I Do Now?
• 20: How Can We Queer the Youth Ministry Experience?
• 21: What about Queering Youth Ministry Songs?
• 22: Does This Mean LGBTQ Youth Might Change My Bible Study?
• 23: What about Working with Other Ministry Organizations That Don’t Share My Values about LGBTQ People?
• 24: What Happens to LGBTQ Youth outside My Youth Group?
• 25: Now What?
• Appendix A: Resources on the Christian Argument for LGBTQ Equality and Acceptance
• Appendix B: LGBTQ Christian Organizations
• Appendix C: LGBTQ Holy Days for Your Youth Ministry to Commemorate
• Appendix D: Other Helpful Resources
• Notes