Two Weeks with the Queen: the play

Mary Morris

• Publisher: Currency Press
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781921428821
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

Colin has a mission. He wants to speak to the Queen about his brother Luke who has cancer. Cousin Alistair would like to help but stress brings on his dandruff. Colin takes the lock off the back door and heads out alone. Adapted from the best-selling novel by Morris Gleitzman.

Act II

Scene 1

The POLICE have brought the boys home to IRIS and BOB’s place.

Iris This is the thanks we get for taking you into our home. Alistair! Stop snivelling!

Bob We’re in the computer now! The whole family in the police computer.

Iris Out all night!

Bob Do you know how lucky you are? You could have been charged.

Iris You could have been killed! ’Specially you, Alistair.

Bob I’m not having any more trouble from you two. I’ll be locking those doors when we go to work.

Colin That won’t stop me! The Queen will get to my letter one day and then she’ll come round here with a tank and bash the door down!

Bob No she flippin’ won’t!

Colin Yes she bloody will!

Iris Oh! Language! Alistair, up the stairs with you this minute. Talk to him Bob. [She leaves with ALISTAIR.] Never heard such cheek in my life. Use your hanky!

Bob You can forget the Queen Colin, my lad. She hasn’t got time for the likes of you and Luke.

Colin Bull! I’ve seen them on the telly visiting sick people and stuff – even lepers.

Bob Well, what good did it ever do a leper to have his hand shook by royalty? He’s still a leper. They don’t leave any of their money behind on his bedside table, do they?

Colin She’s got to help me, she’s got to.

Bob Colin, if the Queen bothered herself with solving other people’s problems there would be a queue from Buckingham Palace to our back door. Don’t you know why she locks herself in behind those gates?

Colin Of course I do, it’s to keep burglars out.

Bob To keep burglars out, and to keep her from having to bother with the likes of us!

Colin But people can write to her, then she doesn’t have to see them and tire herself out, then she can help them

Bob Believe me, she won’t even read your letter.

Colin She will.

Bob Think about it lad, you know she won’t.

Colin Well, what’s she there for if she doesn’t help people? What’s all that money and all those cars and houses and armies and stuff for?

Bob She’s there crippling us with taxes to keep her in the lap of luxury just so we can point to her and say we got a Queen.

Colin That’s not much use to anyone.

Bob You hit the nail on the head there, lad. Nope, if you’ve got something needs fixing, take a leaf out of my book and do it yourself.

Colin [thoughtfully] Do it yourself…

Bob Stand you in good stead if you remember that. Don’t see me running to the Queen every time my roof leaks or my car breaks down or I get in the police computer, do you?

Colin Yeh… do it yourself!

Bob Only way, lad.

Colin Bugger the Queen, eh?

Bob Yes, well. Um… Watch your language around your Auntie Iris eh?

Colin Yea, alright.

Bob Better get yourself a bit of shut-eye then.

Colin Yeh.

They leave.

Scene 2

ALISTAIR is in his room. He is tying a lasso knot in his dressing gown cord and practising his throw. COLIN enters carrying a phone book.

Alistair Have they gone to work?

Colin Just.

Alistair Have they locked us in?

Colin Tight as a chook’s bum. You even got locks on your windows in your house.

Alistair Yeh, well, can’t be too careful.

Colin Hey, what you reckon the best cancer hospital in London woudl be under – H for...