The Turquoise Elephant

Stephen Carleton

• Publisher: Currency Press
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781760620059
• Topic: Littérature
• Subtopic: Théâtre

'Meet Augusta Macquarie: Her Excellency, patron of the arts, formidable matriarch, environmental vandal.'Inside her triple-glazed compound, Augusta shields herself from the catastrophic elements, bathing in the classics and campaigning for the reinstatement of global reliance on fossil fuels. Outside, the world lurches from one environmental cataclysm to the next. Meanwhile, her sister, Olympia, thinks the best way to save endangered species is to eat them. Their niece Basra is intent on making a difference–but how? Can you save the world one blog at a time?Stephen Carleton's shockingly black, black, black political farce won the 2015 Griffin Award. It's urgent, contemporary and perilously close to being real.

SCENE ONE

Video of a FIGURE in an ornate decorated mask, voice moderated slightly for the purposes of disguise.

MASKED FIGURE: We are The Cultural Front for Environmental Preservation.

We are a political art movement who decry politicians and artists who say nothing and do nothing about the survival of the planet when all around us sea levels are rising, ice is melting, forests are drying up, and species are dying on a colossal scale.

You’ve heard the overnight news. Sea water has entered Melbourne’s sewerage system. The city has awoken to discover its underground rail system is flooding and all the government can do is stand by and wring its hands.

‘Oh dear.’

‘We thought this was only supposed to happen in Tuvalu.’

Meanwhile the World Business Summit convenes in Sydney.

Really?

Melbourne is quite literally drowning in its own shit, and all Sydney can do is call a Business Summit?

Ironically enough, it would appear that bullshit has been established as the currency of the talks. In response, we, The Cultural Front for Environmental Preservation, have created an … excremental artwork. We call it: ‘Cut the Crap—or Have it Back’.

We hope you enjoy viewing it as much as we enjoyed making it.

And suddenly we are in the lounge room of the Macquarie family. BASRA has flicked off the video screens and is numb—frozen—with shock.

BASRA: Melbourne? Oh, my God! But this wasn’t supposed to happen for years. Decades …

I should—

I should—

But what can BASRA do?

A sudden roaring gale as AUGUSTA MACQUARIE enters, splattered head to toe in shit. Someone has clearly attempted to clean her up. She slams the door shut and locks the inferno out.

AUGUSTA: Basra!

BASRA is still rooted to the spot, immobilised by shock.

Basra! Help me.

BASRA: [coming to] Oh God, you stink!

AUGUSTA: It’s human.

BASRA: What did you do—shit in a fan?

AUGUSTA: Don’t be disgusting. I need to be stripped clean and water- gunned.

BASRA: You’re supposed to be at the Summit.

AUGUSTA: I can’t stay there like this!

BASRA: I was looking for you on TV, but all they’re talking about now is what’s happening in Melbourne and some artwork they—

AUGUSTA: Where’s the maid?

BASRA: The Philippines.

AUGUSTA: Cecilia?

BASRA: She left on Sunday.

AUGUSTA: Not another one of those hysterical Catholic festivals.

BASRA: Her mother—

AUGUSTA: Some sighting of the Virgin Mary on a garbage mountain.

BASRA: Her family has just been wiped out by a category six typhoon.

AUGUSTA: Not again.

BASRA: They’ve lost everything.

AUGUSTA: When’s she coming back?

BASRA: The agency’s sending a replacement.

AUGUSTA: You’ll have to do it.

BASRA: I’m not touching you!...