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A BLUEPRINT FOR CONFIDENCE
What we need is a blueprint for confidence, a confidence code, if you will, that will get women headed in the right direction.
âKatty Kay and Claire Shipman, The Confidence Code
Women have a glaring problem. A problem we rarely talk about.
Though we have gained competence, we still lack confidence. Though we can freely chase our dreams, we still trip over our insecurities. Though weâve been groomed to brim with self-assurance, we are still mired in self-doubt.
The all-important question that Sheryl Sandberg, the chief operating officer of Facebook, has challenged women to consider is this: âWhat would you do if you werenât afraid?â1
Sandbergâs foray into the public eye began at the 2010 TEDWomen conference.
Power-dressed in a simple gray tunic, classic black pencil skirt, and high-heeled pumps, she stood poised in the middle of the large red speakerâs circle, the mainstay of TED Talks.
Immense statues flanked the stage, keeping watch over her oration like the Greek Colossus of Rhodes guarding the Mandraki harbor. A towering, fifty-foot-high LED screen exponentially magnified Sandbergâs image, giving her a larger-than-life presence. It was a wildly impressive setâeven by TED standards.
Sandbergâs audience listened with rapt attention as she calmly explained why women arenât making it to the top. Part of the problem, she argued, is the attitude of men. But another part is the fearful mindset of women. Women have internal obstacles standing in the way of their success. And one of the greatest obstacles is a lack of self-confidence.2
âWe hold ourselves back in ways both big and small, by lacking self-confidence, by not raising our hands, and by pulling back when we should be leaning in,â she later wrote in her New York Times bestselling book.3
Fear is the biggest culprit. Without fear standing in the way, women would be free to pursue both professional success and personal fulfillment. âFear is at the root of so many of the barriers that women face. Fear of not being liked. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of drawing negative attention. Fear of overreaching. Fear of being judged. Fear of failure.â4
What would you do if you werenât afraid?
Itâs a good question. One that, for most of us, touches a nerve. Because if weâre honest, we must admit that fear does hold us back. There are many things we would do if only we werenât afraid.
Sandbergâs original talk lasted less than fifteen minutes. But like a stone interrupting the still surface of a pond, it had a profound ripple effect. The video of her talk went viral, attracting millions of views. Her ensuing book, Lean In, quickly became a cultural phenomenon.
Sandberg packed theaters, dominated opinion pages, was featured on the covers of magazines like Time and Fortune, and appeared on every major TV talk show, including 60 Minutes and Nightline.5 She founded a global nonprofit organization called Lean In to help women face their fears and achieve their ambitions.
And thatâs not to mention the spin-off books and products, interviews, articles, tightly integrated Facebook community, and tens of thousands of Lean In Circles in 184 countries that came into existence.6 Untold numbers of women were swept up in the wake of the excitement.
Why? What is the appeal? Why are women so hungry for Sandbergâs message to lean in?
On the surface, the enormous response is puzzling.
The idea that a woman should believe in herself has been promoted for decades. It was 1972 when Helen Reddyâs iconic pop song âI Am Woman (Hear Me Roar)â hit the top of the charts. Since that time, a steady stream of girl bands and girl-power anthems have reinforced the message that women are strong and invincible simply by virtue of being female.
Girlsâ T-shirts blaze with common slogans like:
Girl Power!
Hear Me Roar!
Girls Canât What?!
Out of the Kitchen and Into the White House!
The Future Is Female!
I Am My Own Superhero!
Who Runs the World? Girls!
We Can Do It!
For more than half a century, self-affirmation messages have run on auto repeat like the only song on the modern womanâs playlist. Pop culture has served up a feminist smorgasbord for decades. Sandbergâs entrĂ©e uses the same ingredients. So why are women so ravenous for her dish? Whatâs the star ingredient in her recipe? Which flavor has she accentuated that creates such an enticing aroma?
Simply this: confidence.
Sandberg exposed a painful truth that women rarely talk about.
We are not living up to what we are expected to be.
Culture has raised us to be strong, confident women. Yet though we appear confident on the outside, on the inside we are not.
To borrow the analogy of Arianna Huffington, founder of the Huffington Post, it is as though a woman has an obnoxious roommate living in her head, telling her that her idea wonât work, that the question she wants to ask is dumb, that she should not try because she will inevitably fail, and that she should inconspicuously hang out in the corner because, on top of everything else, sheâs having a really bad hair day.7
In the New York Times bestseller The Confidence Code, journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman mimic Sandbergâs claim that self-confidence is the key to womenâs personal and professional success. They also echo her concern that, in women, confidence is in alarmingly short supply.
Self-doubt is a âdark spotâ that plagues even the most accomplished of us.
As we talked to women, dozens of them, all accomplished and credentialed, we kept bumping up against a dark spot that we couldnât quite identify, a force clearly holding us back. . . . In two decades of covering American politics, we have interviewed some of the most influential women in the nation. In our jobs and our lives, we walk among people who youâd assume would brim with confidence. On closer inspection, however, with our new focus, we were surprised to realize the full extent to which the power centers of this nation are zones of female self-doubt.8
The powerful women that Kay and Shipman interviewed were âfantastically capable.â9 Yet oddly, they still lacked confidence. For some of these high achievers, the very subject was uncomfortable; it revealed a weakness they were reluctant to admit they had.
Women have a self-confidence problem.
They lack the confidence that men seem to have in droves.
This lack of confidence, though, isnât confined to women who walk the corridors of power in Washington or occupy corner offices in corporate America. Indeed, if those women struggle, just imagine what itâs like for the rest of us.
Youâve undoubtedly sensed those disquieting emotions gnawing at the pit of your stomach: The hesitancy to speak up for fear that youâll embarrass yourself or say something stupid. The reluctance to volunteer for a position because youâre afraid youâll disappoint. The agonizing distress that someone will poke a hole through your fragile veneer and discover that you are an impostor.
These feelings are inside us all. We just keep them stuffed down where no one can see.
Whether you are
- white-collar or blue, boardroom or mudroom, skyscraper or barn;
- spikes or sandals, designer or thrift, petite or plus;
- pop or hip-hop, salad or steak, Prius or Ram . . .
Whether you spend your day changing dirty diapers or negotiating corporate deals, chances are you also struggle with insecurities, fears, and self-doubt.
Wouldnât it be nice to find a way to conquer all those nagging negative thoughts and feelings?
THE STAKES ARE HIGH
Numerous academic studies confirm that fear is crippling women.
The â2016 Dove Global Beauty and Confidence Report,â based off interviews with 10,500 females across thirteen countries, found that insecurity causes nearly all women (85 percent) and girls (79 percent) to opt out of important life activities, such as joining a club or class, voicing an opinion, or engaging with others.10
When comparing the confidence of girls and boys, researchers found no difference up until about the age of twelve. But in the tween and teen years, the confidence of girls plunges by 30 percent. They become âdramatically less self-assured.â And all too often, this feeling persists.11 The confidence gap stretches into adulthood. Women, on the whole, are markedly less self-assured than men.
A few years ago, information technology giant Hewlett-Packard commissioned a study to determine how to get more women into management positions. The authors discovered that male employees applied for promotions when they thought they could meet 60 percent of the job requirements. Women, on the other hand, only applied for promotions when they believed they met 100 percent of the job requirements. âSo, essentially,â Kay and Shipman concluded, âwomen feel confident only when we are perfect. Or practically perfect.â12
Almost four out of five women, 78 percent, feel pressure to never make mistakes or show weakness.13
Study after study demonstrates that women are less likely to consider themselves competent, more likely to take criticism personally, and more likely to apologize for things that arenât their fault.
Lack of confidence is a widespread problem.
And itâs a serious one.
The reason itâs serious is that this negative trait doesnât usually hang out alone. It throws the door open and invites in a whole host of other unwelcome guestsâlike self-neglect, self-criticism, jealousy, attention-seeking, manipulation, people-pleasing, pessimism, perfectionism, anxiety, and depression.
People who struggle with confidence struggle a lot more at work and in their relationships. They have a tough time navigating life.
This is a significant issue weâre talking about here.
The stakes are high.
Psychologis...
