Chapter One
Standing in the kitchen munching on pickled cucumbers, watching a stray dog pee in his yard, Jiro hears something crash into the garage door. The entire house trembles as if it is about to fall off its foundation.
He runs down the hall and yanks open the door. The electric garage door is broken, boards desperately clinging to the frame. Fragments of glass shimmer on the cement carport. The black Hondaās engine is still sputtering, spilling gassy blue smoke from the exhaust pipe. And there is his wife, sitting rigidly in the driverās seat at a forward tilt, staring straight ahead as if sheās pondering whether to plow into the wall.
He rushes over to the car window and pounds on it. āAre you all right? What happened? Can you move? Open the window!ā
Aiko doesnāt turn her head. Her white-knuckled hands grip the wheel. He looks at her fingernails, which heās seen hundreds of times, but still heās startled that they are so severely bitten, exposing raw pink skin. There is a moment of eerie silence, as if one world has shattered and another has yet to rise up in its place. Jiro canāt think what to do. Pull her out of the car? Call an ambulance? Her doctor? Her self-inflicted paralysis leaches into him and turns him into stone.
Last night in bed she told him again that her heart was punctured and her life was slowly dripping out of her. āWhat do you want me to do?ā he said, not bothering to hide his frustration. Hasnāt she been talking like this for a year now? āTell me and Iāll do it. Iāll do it right now.ā Even he could hear the anger and helplessness in his voice.
As if coming out of a fog, Jiro realizes the door is unlocked. He opens it, turns off the engine, pockets the keys. She doesnāt appear to be physically harmed; and thatās the problem, he thinks. The harm is tucked deep inside. Sheās seen dozens of doctors whoāve given so many different diagnoses, yet her hurt remains nameless.
Hanne sets down Kobayashiās novel. The book did well in Japan, in part because Kobayashi revealed in an interview that his main character, Jiro, was inspired by the famous Noh actor, Moto Okuro. So intrigued, so fascinated was he by this remarkable man that Kobayashi began the book right after he met Okuro. āMoto cured five years of writerās block,ā Kobayashi told the magazine. āIf he reads my bookāand what an honor if he didāI hope he sees it as an homage to him.ā
The name Moto Okuro meant nothing to Hanne, and she doesnāt know much about the ancient Japanese theater art of Noh, except that masks are used for different characters, and the characters speak in a stilted, almost unintelligible language. Thereās music to contend with, and, almost like a Greek play, a chorus. Sheād have to read Kobayashiās Trojan Horse Trips herself first, on her own terms, she told the publisher. Only if she understood the main character would she be able to successfully translate the book into English. At her enormous blackboard, custom-made to take up one entire wall, she begins to write a sentence in Japanese.
Iradachi, the Japanese word for frustration. Of course you are frustrated, Jiro, thinks Hanne. Youāve brought your wife from one doctor to another, and more than a year later there is no sign of improvement, no answers. You are in the same place you were three, five months ago. And what has become of your life? Turned into something unrecognizable, you no longer know who you are.
She then writes Yariba no nai ikidoori, meaning an unfocused anger. But also yaru se nai kimochi, a helpless feeling, or a feeling of no way to clear oneās mind. A neat column of chalk characters fills the far side of the board.
She pauses, baffled. How can Jiro be experiencing an unfocused anger and a helpless feeling? And just a moment ago he was frustrated. It doesnāt make sense.
Whatever Kobayashi meant, sheās on her own here. Over the eleven months sheās been working on his novel, Kobayashi has responded to only a few of her e-mails and always with a curtāāToo busy.ā āFigure it out.ā āOn another project.ā Though, after the publisher sent him the first three translated chapters, he found ample time to quibble that she had cut his crucial repetitive words and phrases. But what does he know about translating Japanese, which prefers to keep someone guessing with its verb at the end of a sentence, into English, with its own linguistic quirks? Between the two languages, there are far too many nuances to name. After that charged exchange, based on Hanneās counsel, the publisher decided to hold off sending him anything until the entire manuscript was done.
Unfocused anger Jiro may have, but not in the American way of yelling or stomping around the house, spewing vitriolics. Jiro means second son. Kobayashi would have done much better if heād named him Isamu, which means courage. Jiro is a man of courage and enduring restraint who has been patient and loving and thoughtful and kind throughout this ordeal. Yes, ordeal. His wife begins to fade away for an inexplicable reason, and Jiro is left to salvage what he can of the marriage, of her. His anger would be quiet. Nearly invisible, but no less real.
Ittai nani o shite hoshii-n dai? What do you want me to do? Kobayashi dropped the verb, desu, which, if he used it, would have suggested a polite tone. Jiro is frustrated, at witās end.
Last night, Hanne dreamed Jiro whispered this same question to her, though his tone was not one of frustration, but seduction. For months now, sheās been dreaming about Jiro, erotic dreams, dreams of kisses stolen behind doors, of bare feet rubbed beneath tables, of tangled bedsheets and limbs. She can even conjure up his smell, or what she thinks it would be. Underneath his deodorant a slightly earthy smell, which she likes. That sheās fallen a little bit in love with him is no surprise. Sheās spent months and months with him and when she wakes canāt wait for their daily sessions.
Another fragment from last nightās dream floats up to the surface of her mind. Jiroās voice wasnāt just a sound nestled near her ear. It was all around her, as if his voice had become warm water and she was immersed in it. She also remembers water sloshing. And a porcelain bathtub. Steam. A manāJiro?āwas washing her feet, gently soaping each toe. Or was it David? No, she distinctly remembers the man speaking Japanese. And it wasnāt Hiro; sheād recognize her deceased husbandās voice. Besides, the dreams of Hiro always involve her taking care of him. In the beginning, Jiroās hands made her skin tingle, her body melt. But the longer he touched her, the more his touch began to feel oddly sacred, like an anointing or baptism.
Some part of her brain becomes aware of hunger. When did she last eat? Breakfast, she remembers. An apple. A carrot. A long time ago, the phone rang. Maybe David, calling to find out if sheād have supper with him and what usually follows afterwards. From far off, she hears the foghorn blare on the Golden Gate Bridge. A low bank of clouds probably stretches over the steel-blue water, making it dangerous for ships to cross under the bridge. Looking out her office window, sheās surprised to see it is now dark, meaning sheās worked all day without a break. At some point sheāll have to make herself stop. Make herself eat. Try to sleep. But not now, not yet. She loves this. She canāt possibly interrupt this profound pleasure.
She pops a hard candy into her mouth.
Jiro rushes into the house and calls an ambulance. Then her doctor. As he listens to the phone ring, he rubs his face, wishing it were a mask he could scrub off. He is so tired. Her life has become unyielding, relentless darkness, as has his.
āIāve done everything I can for her,ā Jiro hears himself say to the doctor. His tone has a danko to shita kucho de that is new to his ear.
Danko to shita kucho deāin a firm tone of voice. Youāve tried everything, Jiro, Hanne thinks to herself. Youāve played out every hypotheticalāwhat if Aiko wakes up smiling? What if she laughs today or the new treatment works? What if sheās magically, spontaneously her old self again? It is not just a firm tone, it is decisive. Youāve come to a decision, one that will fundamentally alter your life.
She translates: His tone has a decisiveness to it that is new to his ear.
Jiro says he fears for Aikoās safety. He canāt quit his job and give her around-the-clock care. Unfortunately, he is not a rich man. āWhat Iām doing is no longer enough.ā Hanne hears what heās not saying: I am spent, everything sapped and now Iām a husk of myself. There isnāt any more; but if something more isnāt done, Aiko might not make it.
The doctor says he understands. These situations are very difficult, very hard. Jiro listens, but heās not asking for permission or even understanding. Hanne intuits that. There is nothing, real or imagined, on the horizon. Nozomi wa nai, he says, thereās no hope.
Thereās no future with her, thinks Hanne. Aiko will not improve, not under your care. This part of your life, the constant tending to your wife, the incessant worry, the fear for her safety, is now over. Finally, youāll have peace. Youāre surprised to hear me say that? I know this terrain. Remember, Jiro, the Greeks thought hope was just as dangerous as all the other worldās evils, because it prolonged oneās torment.
She translates nozomi wai nai as: His hope is gone.
Shikata ga nai, says Jiro. It canāt be helped.
When the doctor says he will meet the ambulance at the hospital and check her into the psychiatric ward, Jiro thanks him and hangs up. He hears the siren in the distance and shoves his knuckles into his mouth. Angrily, he wipes away his tears with the back of his hand and hurries to the garage. As the ambulance pulls into the driveway, his wife is still sitting in the driverās seat, her face empty, as if sheās no longer fully in this world.
In the morning, Hanneās son calls. Tomas, her eldest, her loyal son who dutifully phones once a week to ask about her well-being. Heās an excellent cook who, whenever heās in town, likes to make her extravagant mealsāBaeckeoffe and coq au vin and white truffle risottoādelighting in watching her eat. A thirty-three-year-old lawyer, he lives in New York City with his wife and two beautiful daughters.
āHow is everyone?ā says Hanne.
āEveryoneās fine,ā he says, ājust fine.ā
She hears a remoteness in his voice. Everything is not fine, but, for whatever reason, heās not prepared to talk about it yet. Itās her job to fill in the empty space until heās ready. She tells him about the novel sheās translating from an up-and-coming Japanese author who is about to make his grand entrance into the American publishing world. She is, of course, assuring his entrance is grand. Working day and night, she loves it in the odd way when something consumes you. As she talks, Hanne wonders if the trouble is Anne. Seven years of marriage, thatās usually when a couple hits rough waters, when she and Hiro began to drift. She asks about her granddaughters, Sasha and Irene.
Sasha, the seven-year-old, reminds Hanne of her daughter when she was that age, with her raven hair, her slanted Japanese eyes, her nostrils shaped like teardrops. Itās been six years since sheās seen or heard from her daughter, Brigitte. Where is she now? Married? A young mother? Living in a city? The country? A veterinarian? A businesswoman? Itās mind-boggling how little she knows about her daughter.
Hanne imagines Tomasās serious face, his lips tightening into two thin wires, brooding over the best way to phrase what he wants to tell her. He was always a careful, orderly boy, all his toys in separate cardboard boxes, which he neatly labeled, ācars,ā ātrains,ā and a Christmas file begun in January where he stored his desires. Now Tomas is considered a success. If Hiro could see his son now. Tomas, who, as she understands it, can argue his way out of anything. Their son is tall; his height is his main inheritance from Hanneās German-Dutch side of the family; most everything else comes from his Japanese father.
āAnne ...