It was the end of winter. Under the sky that had always been there, now dark, the house still looked almost new. It had a sort of shine to it and was surrounded by nothing but silence and snow. Snow framed the large frosted windows and rose from the shadows, piling in high drifts against the walls of the house. Not a shovel had been lifted.
The wind-whipped snow had formed a small drift on the front steps. A frozen wave revealing that no one had come or gone for several days.
The door was bolted shut and secured with several locks from within, and just inside stood a torn paper bag overflowing with white and brown envelopes. Bills and unopened letters. The cold floor was mottled with meltwater and mud splatter, as was the bag.
The hall was dark, as if it werenât morning at all. A dirty mirror hung askew. Karin, barefoot and naked, stood before it, while propping open the door to the bathroom so its light would fall across her body. Her skin was goose-pimpled from the cold, pale and bluish. Her stomach sagged and her breasts were heavy and unshapely. The left one had swelled during the night, and the skin was stretched so thin a web of veins showed through.
She pulled the skin on her belly until it was smooth and leaned forward to study the stretch marks rising in glossy relief from groin to navel. During her last flight to New York, sheâd been woken by the pilotâs voice on the speakers, suggesting they take in the view over Iceland. Sheâd sat up and gazed down at the island, which was almost entirely covered by glaciers, and had noticed streaks in the ice. Black rivers spreading out like a giantâs mane, thousands of strands running across the frozen ground.
The traces pregnancy had left on her stomach looked just like that. Seeing these marks now, she felt as far away from them as sheâd felt from the ice, flying thirty thousand feet above it.
During her pregnancy, sheâd convinced herself that if she worried enough about getting stretch marks, she wouldnât get any.
Now she knew that wasnât how it worked.
Fear canât be used like an incantation; itâs an unease that wells up when you know whatâs at stake. Itâs not true that what you worry about the most isnât going to happen. Rather, itâs highly likely that it will.
Outside on the lake, plates of ice moved toward each other, in anticipation of freezing into a solid mass. The gray water churned around them in rippling waves. The dark forest rose above the white speckled cliffs on the far shore and the faint outline of a dock could be made out at the bottom of the property, where reeds and brittle blades of grass jutted from mounds of rumpled snow.
The weather had been changeable over the past days, or had it been weeks now? It had grown milder and had even begun to thaw. From her spot on the barstool at the kitchen islandâhis spotâsheâd watched the lake open up like a gray, gaping mouth. Then the chill returned, a kind of paralysis, but the wind blew with such force that the lake couldnât freeze over.
In the bathroom, the fan was switched off, and as soon as she turned the water on, the mirrors fogged, turning the same whitish hue as the ice. Her back was cloaked in steam when she stepped out of the shower, the water still running, and hurried into the hall to check on the baby. She loathed the feeling of the cold, grimy floor against her bare feet. At this time of day, the house was at its most biting.
Dream sat on the living room floor in her diaper, facing away from her, playing with a white iPhone charger. She never seemed to tire of the whipping sound made by the thin metal tip hitting the parquet floor, or of the realization that she was in control: her hand was making a fist and she was moving the cable.
She stopped to watch the child amusing herself, unaware of the forces that shaped their existence. Their existence, which seemed so hushed, so spent. She hadnât yet been able to grasp that this moment in time was also the start of another personâs life.
She took in the chubby body and its irregular, jerky movements. Dream was still something of a mystery to her. Those large, close-set eyes were unfamiliar in a way that made her ill at ease. A lock of hair jutted from the crown of the babyâs head. In the middle of each of her puffy cheeks was a chapped, ruddy patch, which she assumed was from the cold, dry air. Through the babyâs soft flesh, a perfect spine could be glimpsed.
She knew the child would one day become the most precious thing she had, but until then, it was pure luck that Dream was so calm. Perhaps you didnât get the child you deserved; you got the one you could handle.
She finished her shower with the bathroom door open onto the hall so she could keep an eye on Dream. When she was done, she peered out and saw the little one still sitting there in the living room with her cable. She dried off and slipped into his robe, the only one left after she sold all of her kimonos.
It weighed down her shoulders; it was far too big.
His body had always been red and hot when heâd put it on.
She knotted the belt around her waist, pulled it tight, and leaned against the sink, drinking in the scent of him, which lingered deep in the thick terry cloth. Toothpaste and deodorant and wet, warm male skin.
The promise that everything was going to be okay.
She wished the damp heat wouldnât dissipate so quickly, but it did. And when she stepped out of the bathroom, it was even colder than sheâd expected. Sheâd shut off the under...