Woman Up!

Overcome the 7 Deadly Sins that Sabotage Your Success

Aimee Cohen

• Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
• Year: 2014
• Print ISBN: 9781630471927
• eBook ISBN: 9781630471934
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Women in Business
• Index: Business

For women who want to get out of their own way—and get ahead in their careers. With insights drawn from more than twenty years of experience as a prominent career consultant with a nearly 100% success rate helping hundreds of clients, this guide conveys a powerful and practical message that exposes seven self-sabotaging behaviors that keep women from success. Using real-life examples, shared experiences, and the author's own guilty confessions, it delivers the sage advice every woman wishes she had at the start of her career in order to take control—and achieve those goals. "Like combining your best girlfriend and an elite career expert." —Teresa Taylor, author of The Balance Myth and former COO, Qwest Communications

Deadly Sin #1

KINDNESS CONUNDRUM

“If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness, and, therefore, your excellence.”

—Unknown

Being kind is a virtue, but is being too kind a detriment? It’s a fine line, but one that’s easily crossed by many working women.

We all know someone who could be described as the “nicest girl in the world”. She’s the best friend, the sister, the mother that always goes the extra mile and doesn’t seem to have the word “no” in her vocabulary. She never says an unkind word and is extremely polite…and would be absolutely devastated if she thought someone didn’t like her.

These qualities may serve you well in a social setting, but they can actually derail your career if you’re not careful. You don’t need to be unkind in order to further your agenda, but being too kind can sabotage your success and the goals you’re trying to achieve. It’s a conundrum.

“You Like Me, Right Now, You Like Me!” —Sally Field

Whether we’re working or winning an Oscar, our innate desire to be liked can easily spiral out of control. These feelings may start in grade school, but they continue into adulthood and into the workplace. In school, girls are kind to avoid being called a “mean girl”. In the workplace, women are kind to avoid being called a “bitch”.

“When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she’s a bitch.”

—Bette Davis

The labels are different, but the motivation is the same. Most women want to be liked above all else, and because the need to be liked is so strong, women will avoid certain situations and opt out of opportunities where they might be perceived poorly. As a result, self-sabotaging behaviors ensue—avoiding an unsatisfactory performance review, suppressing an opposing opinion at a board meeting, or deciding not to negotiate a higher salary because someone might not like you.

Tricia and the Lunch Ladies

My client, Tricia, was a well-respected and well-liked director at a non-profit organization. It was a prominent position worthy of a prominent seating position at the annual luncheon. Before Tricia’s promotion to director, the women who organized the event would routinely seat her in the back of the room far away from the leadership team and distinguished guests.

Tricia assumed that her new position would also include a new seating assignment at the event. When she realized that, once again, she was relegated to the back of the room she was offended, insulted, and confused about what to do next.

If she confronted the other women and asked them to rearrange the seating chart, would they think she was acting like an entitled diva? Would they think she had an inflated ego? Was this issue worth the potential conflict and fallout? Would they still be friends? Would they say negative things behind her back?

These were all the questions Tricia was struggling to answer. But the real question was, “Would the other women still like her?” Tricia was a woman in a position of power and successfully exceeded all her goals and objectives. However, she was still paralyzed at the possibility that the other women wouldn’t like her or would think badly of her if she pushed the issue and flexed her authoritative muscle.

Tricia’s initial reaction was to ignore the situation and do nothing. She decided the issue didn’t warrant ruffling anyone’s feathers. In other words, she wasn’t willing to risk the “bitch” label in order to have a more prominent seat at the luncheon.

Doing nothing and avoiding the conflict altogether is not a successful strategy. Too often, women take the path of least resistance and don’t fully realize how that self-sabotaging behavior negatively impacts their career.

There are times to do nothing and there are times to take action. This was a time to take action, and we figured out a way for Tricia to stay true to herself, to ruffle the least amount of feathers, and to achieve the desired results. Tricia also needed validation that she was not making unnecessary demands, acting like an entitled diva, or abusing her new position of power.

“A woman should always be more concerned with standing up for what is right than making sure everyone ‘likes’ her.”

—Dr. Laura Schlessinger

She approached the event planners and said, “I’m not sure if this was an oversight or not, but I think it would be really beneficial to the organization if I sit at the front table in order to develop better relationships with the top donors.” Tricia did not accuse the women of intentionally sabotaging her seating position and she didn’t “pull rank” and throw her director title in their faces.

Instead, she simply focused on the professional value the new seating arrangement would bring to the organization. The women fully agreed, thanked her for bringing the issue to their attention, and seated her at the appropriate table. Tricia felt empowered and did not allow her sinful need to be liked stop her from achieving her goal.

BFFs…Best Friends Forever

Not only do women want to be liked, but they place an enormous amount of value and importance on their relationships, even at work. I have had too many clients fail to pursue a promotion or opportunity because their friend and co-worker had expressed an interest in that new position.

Karen and Her Act of Kindness

Karen was working for a major telecommunications company in the accounting department along with her friend and co-worker, Jamie. They worked together for years and had become extremely close friends. The manager of the department was promoted and both women were qualified to fill the open position.

A management position was part of Karen’s career plan and she had been working diligently to develop her leadership skills. Meanwhile, Jamie, a single mom, had complained to Karen about the need to make more money. Karen felt bad for her friend and made a conscious decision to make the friendship the top priority and not even apply for the manager position. Jamie was quickly promoted to manager and became Karen’s boss.

Karen relayed this story to me a year later when she hired me to help her find a new job. She didn’t resent the fact that Jamie received the promotion. She resented the fact that she didn’t even apply for the job. She regretted not having a conversation with her friend about how important the manager position was to her and that they should both apply…and may the best woman win.

Karen held herself back and sabotaged her own career goals because she felt bad for Jamie’s financial situation. She didn’t want to risk ruining their friendship by competing for the same position, and thought it would be awkward to be her friend’s boss. Karen valued the friendship more than the opportunity. Ultimately, Karen’s friend became her boss, her own resentment grew, and she started looking for a management position with other companies.

“Remove those ‘I want you to like me’ stickers from your forehead and, instead, place them where they truly will do the most good—on your mirror!”

—Susan Jeffers

I am not suggesting that women should be loyal and kind-hearted to their friends in their personal lives, and then become cold-hearted and ruthless in the workplace. You need to be true to yourself and operate with authenticity and integrity in both areas. However, it is perfectly appropriate, and highly recommended, to have a professional agenda and to take steps to advance that agenda without sabotaging yourself.

If I had been coaching Karen at the time, I would have encouraged her to approach Jamie and find a way to honor the friendship and to pursue her career goals simultaneously. Instead, Karen did nothing, Jamie got the promotion, and Karen was left looking for another job.

Being too kind might be the right way to navigate personal interactions, but it doesn’t always work well in a professional environment. If you allow someone to cut in front of you in line at the movie theater, would you also allow someone to steal your credit at work? If you allow a friend to dominate the conversation at dinner, would you also allow a co-worker to dominate a meeting you’re leading? Taking a more passive position in social situations may be the right move, but is it the right move to be as passive in the workplace?

“Never dull your shine for somebody else.”

—Tyra Banks

It boils down to choosing your battles. It might not be worth jockeying for position in the movie theater line, but if you continuously allow someone to steal your credit at work, you run the risk of appearing weak and losing credibility. Opportunities that should be yours will pass you by. WOMAN UP! Being too nice can have a definitive, negative impact on your career.

The Apology Anchor

Not only can women be too kind, but they also apologize excessively without truly evaluating if they’ve done anything wrong. Saying sorry too much is an anchor on your upward mobility. The frequent, indiscriminate apologies drag you down and hold you back.

Women are taught to be well-mannered and learn early on that it’s not polite to make others feel uncomfortable or to appear (and act) overtly aggressive or combative. We ask for help by saying, “I’m sorry to bother you, but can you direct me to customer service?” Someone bumps into us and we say, “I’m sorry, excuse me.” We don’t hear someone call our name in a crowded room and we say, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t hear you.” We interject in a meeting by saying, “I’m sorry, but in my opinion…” None of these scenarios would be classified as wrongdoings, but women still feel the need to apologize.

Women over-apologize as a way to avoid conflict and to foster harmony and agreement. A quick apology may represent an effective strategy if the goal is to deescalate a situation and keep t...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Preface: Big-Girl Panties
• Deadly Sin #1: Kindness Conundrum
• Deadly Sin #2: Competency Curse
• Deadly Sin #3: Perfectionism Prison
• Deadly Sin #4: Affirmation Addiction
• Deadly Sin #5: Divulgence Disease
• Deadly Sin #6: Miscommunication Mayhem
• Deadly Sin #7: Undervalue Epidemic
• Conclusion: From Sin to Success
• About the Author
• Acknowledgments
• Are You Ready to Woman UP! ?
• References