The Happy Student

5 Steps to Academic Fulfillment and Success

Daniel Wong, Nancy Chen

• Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
• Year: 2012
• ISBN:
  9781614481287
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Mental Health & Wellbeing

A smart, supportive guide to staying engaged and motivated, written by a student for students. Daniel Wong doesn't have a PhD in education or psychology—but his transformation from unhappy overachiever to happy straight-A student has given him unique insight into what motivates students intrinsically. Sharing with readers his personal story and the five-step program he has developed, this book can help struggling or unmotivated students everywhere understand how they, too, can find deep satisfaction in the pursuit of academic success, driven by their own desires rather than pressure from others.

Chapter 1

STEP 1:

Decide to Run
Your Own Race

“Whatever you think, be sure it is what you think; whatever you want, be sure that it is what you want; whatever you feel, be sure that it is what you feel.”

T. S. Eliot, poet and literary critic

“Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery.”

Lawana Blackwell, author

“If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.”

Anna Quindlen, journalist and opinion columnist

Do you ever…

• feel like you're trying to do well in school just to please your parents or teachers?

• believe that what you do is never good enough?

• compare yourself to others and wonder why they seem so much smarter than you?

• feel like your parents love you more when you do well in school?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you're not alone. All of us have felt like failures at some point in our lives. The fact that our parents and teachers aren't always patient with us doesn't help matters.

Over the years, I've discovered that the root cause of feeling like you're never good enough is that you're running someone else's race, not your own. Rest assured, though, that as you read this chapter and decide today that you'll run your own race, you'll be set free from these negative feelings. You'll learn how to respectfully deal with the expectations of others and take full responsibility for your life.

All this may sound daunting, but I guarantee that it's just a matter of simple steps and simple decisions. As I explained in the introduction, the race analogy I use in this book isn't meant to put you in a competitive mood. We often see ourselves as being in competition with others. The premise of this book, however, is that you're the only person in the race.

NOT READY, NOT SET, GO!

From the day you're born, everything seems like a race. You're in a race to start talking and walking; you're in a race to start reading and writing; you're in a race to get into the best schools; you're in a race to secure the best job; you're in a race to live the happiest life.

All this emphasis on competition and on being better than others can be overwhelming at times. I grew up in Singapore, where people view grades as everything—or close to everything. Singaporeans are exceptionally driven, and people will do anything to “get ahead” in their education and career. But I've come to realize that the idea of “getting ahead” is flawed. Ironically, in the process of trying to get ahead we often get further and further away from the things that really matter.

You're unique and special, and you have a purpose that only you can fulfill. You're a one-of-a-kind person who's meant to live a one-of-a-kind life. That means you've got to run your race alone, which isn't at all sad, because hopefully you'll have loyal supporters cheering you on along the way. You need to remain focused, steadfast, and purpose-driven, even when it seems like everyone else is running in a completely different direction.

This is a unique race because it's not about running faster than others. It's about embracing the beauty and abundance that life has to offer. It's about truly living, rather than just getting by.

Don't give in to the temptation of comparing your race to the one that others are running. As the illustrious army commander General Omar Bradley once said, “Set your course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship.” Maybe all your friends aspire to be doctors, or maybe they only take classes that are “practical” or “useful.” That doesn't mean you have to give in to peer pressure and join the crowd. Set your course by the stars: your personal definition of success, “life sentence,” core values, and personal mission statement. These are important tools that we'll talk about in STEP 2.

WHOSE RACE ARE YOU RUNNING?

Since we're all running a race, the question to ask ourselves is: Whose race am I running? To help you answer that question, let me first list some of the things which loving parents often say to their children:

• “You should listen to me because I know what's best for you.”

• “You should study hard so that you can become a doctor/ lawyer/engineer/(insert desired profession), so that you can have a stable income.”

• “You want to become an artist/poet/dancer/(insert desired profession)?!? You're too smart for something like that. How are you going to make a living?”

• “You should take more science courses. Scientists and engineers are going to be in high demand in the future.”

Parents clearly have good intentions when they say such things. They really do want the best for you, and they think they know how they can help you achieve success. But there's an Irish saying that goes, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Good intentions—even when coupled with a good plan—don't always lead to good outcomes. I'm guessing you know of at least a few unhappy doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc. who chose their careers based on their parents’ advice or coercion. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that you shouldn't ask your parents for advice, or that they're always wrong. But I am saying that parents often try to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams through their children, and most of the time they do this subconsciously. They often fail to recognize that their children's lives belong to their children, not to them.

This goes out especially to you parents reading this book: please don't say or do things that suggest to your children that you love them more when they get good grades. It's a sure way to make them feel insecure, because your love seems so conditional. Children need to know that they're loved just because they're your child, not because they're your child who gets good grades.

And to you students out there, it's not a bad thing if you want to do well in school so you can make your parents or teachers proud. It's a bad thing, however, if that's the only reason you study hard.

If you don't take a step back from your life, it's easy to get caught up running the race your parents, teachers, or peers want you to run. If you don't ask yourself whose race you're running, you might not even realize that you're running someone else's race. As the saying goes, “You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time.”

Michael Port tells a great, and hilarious, story in Book Yourself Solid about the danger of trying to please everyone:²

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked beside him. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and the boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame! He makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal, and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

SUCCESS: THE PRIZE OR THE JOURNEY?

In a typical race, the participants go all out to win the prize. To most of us, the prize is success, which is usually defined as getting good grades, being an outstanding athlete, or amassing enormous wealth.

I'm sure you want to be successful—and your parents and teachers want that for you, too. That's why they put so much pressure on you to perform in the classroom. They want you to get a good education and a well-paying job. They want you to lead a comfortable life and have the means to support your family.

But I want to question how we think about the word “success.” We use it in conversation and in writing as if its definition is universally understood. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines “success” as a “favorable or desired outcome.” But what constitutes a favorable or desired outcome? In whose eyes is it favorable or desired?

Let me ask you the following questions:

• Do you wish you could be the class valedictorian?

• Do you dream of winning academic awards and honors?

• Have you ever thought of one day becoming a world-renowned musician, athlete, entrepreneur, CEO, or politician?

• Do you fantasize about living in a gorgeous mansion?

• Do you imagine yourself socializing with the rich and the famous?

Most people would answer “yes” to at least a few of those questions. Those achievements are things we typically associate with success. Yet we must recognize that our idea of success is heavily influenced by society's definition of it.

For example, someone like Bill Gates would widely be considered a success. He's business-savvy, rich, and philanthropic. What more could you ask for? Mother Teresa is someone else whom many would consider to be a success. She left behind such a legacy of love and self-sacrifice that few would disagree that she's a winner in the arena of humanitarian work.

But if we're honest with ourselves, we'll admit that the likelihood of us becoming the next Bill Gates or Mother Teresa is slim. Even if we tried our very best, how many of us could ever exhibit Bill Gates’ business savvy or Mother Teresa's compassion?

In a similar vein, how many valedictorians can there be across the country? How many straight-? students can a school have? How many merit scholarships can be awarded every year?

REIMAGINING SUCCESS

If we believe what the world tells us about success, the sad truth is that few people will ever be successful. We've talked about it in the introduction, but it's worth repeating: you'll need to define success for yourself if you want to find fulfillment and become a happy student.

Cheesy as it may sound, success truly is less about the destination—how many A's you get, what your class rank is, what kind of job you land—and more about the journey. Success is embodied by the kind of person you decide to be every single day. When you intentionally choose to be a person of character and commitment, and live out that choice daily, you're already a success.

On the other hand, if you try to achieve success as defined by society, you essentially leave your happiness in the hands of others. Like Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, once said, “People who seek all their applause from the world have their happiness in another's keeping.” In other words, you'll never become a happy student solely by trying to please other people.

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL

After all this talk about success, these questions remain: Why are we so caught up trying to rack up achievements and awards? Why do we want to be popular? What's so attractive about being smart, rich, or influential?

I believe that the pursuit of success is mainly about the search for significance. We want our lives to count. Based on what we read in the newspaper and watch on TV, the lives of successful people—successful in terms of accomplishments and material wealth—appear to count more.

It seems like we only care about geniuses who earn their PhD by age twenty, people who start their own company while they're still in high school, and CEOs, bankers, professional athletes, and entertainers who are extraordinarily rich. This phenomenon of idolizing outstanding individuals is what causes us to associate achievements, wealth, and celebrity with significance. But as renowned author Rick Warren keenly notes, “Prominence is not significance, and what is unseen is not unimportant.”

“BUILDER UNKNOWN”

Let me illustrate this principle with a story told by author and entertainer Nicole Johnson in her short speech entitled The Invisible Woman. (Go watch the YouTube video—it's very heartrending!)

There are many magnificent cathedrals in Europe, and many of them have inscriptions on their walls that read “builder unknown.” The builders worked diligently for years, not knowing if they would ever receive credit for their creations. They weren't even sure if construction would be completed in their lifetime, because many cathedrals took over a hundred years to build.

A tale is told about one builder who was carving a tiny bird inside a beam that would be covered by the roof. Someone came up to him and asked, “Why are you spending so much time on something that no one will ever see?” The builder replied, “Because God sees.”

As a student, you're laying the foundations of the “cathedral” of your life. It's possible that no one will ever know that you've defined success for yourself or that you've firmly decided to run your own race. But the work ethic, positive attitude, and joy you display will be the hallmark of your cathedral. At the heart of it, becoming a happy student is about focusing on the unseen yet truly significant things.

THREE BENEFITS OF RUNNING YOUR OWN RACE

We're midway through STEP 1, so I hope you're now convinced that you need to run your own race in order to become a happy and fulfilled student. But just in case you're not, let me spell out three distinct benefits of running your own race:

1. It puts you on the path to greatness.

2. It gives you freedom.

3. It helps you to take full responsibility for your life.

Let's take a look at each of these benefits.

1. It puts you on the path to gre...