CONTENTS
Foreword
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Index
FOREWORD
The privilege of witnessing action in all three services during the Second World War, a civilian disguised in turn in the uniforms of the air force, army and navy, came my way only because I had been officially classified as a potential liability. Called up for a medical at the outset of the war, I had never imagined that the boyhood asthma I had largely outgrown would result in a âGRADE III (three)â in red ink on a buff certificate and the chairman of the examinersâ curt âYou will not be requiredâ. In the event I saw a great deal more of the war than I would otherwise have done, without once being hors de combat.
The chapters covering my eighteen months as a war correspondent, from Normandy to Japan, are based on diaries, letters and despatches (many of them, in those space-starved days, unused) and follow the pattern of seven war books I edited during the 1970s, the material for which came from the Imperial War Museumâs Department of Documents.
The task of fleshing out characters from the records they left, and from what I could find out about them, presented different problems when dealing with myself. Memory can be fickle and I have relied to a large extent on what I wrote at the time. For the rest, looking back over fifty years or more, it has been possible to see my younger self with a degree of objectivity, something of an innocent abroad due to my upbringing, fortunate to have had experiences thrust upon me.
CHAPTER ONE
Kathleen Carpenter came unexpectedly to tea the Sunday war was declared. We had it on the front lawn in the shade of the hawthorn and laburnum and through their branches glimpsed the barrage balloons riding at anchor in the blue.
The black-out curtains had long been in readiness but we had just squashed more putty around the basement grilles, where gas might be expected to settle and infiltrate. For ten minutes or so every evening we had been practising wearing our gas-masks and the drawing-room was full of strangled grunts as we viewed each other, a family circle of surrealist pigs.
Miss Carpenter was absolutely for the war but was somewhat grieved that the timing had meant the abandonment of the British Association conference in Dundee, where she was to have read a paper on perch. She had brought with her an expert on animal foods, his son and his sonâs fiancĂ©e, who now sipped tea and nibbled cucumber sandwiches, a bit out of the chatter.
An occasional visitor to our Birkenhead home, Miss Carpenter wore thick-lensed glasses and would sometimes focus on you a baleful glare, head on one side, and come out with some cutting personal observation like âYou have an ugly neckâ. Mostly she was obsessed with herself. Once when I had answered the front door to find her there after a long absence, she had turned her back, cocked her head and breathed urgently, âDonât say anything. Donât talk. I canât think of anything but that blackbird. Listen.â But it was the study of freshwater fish that kept her from despair.
We had heard of Chamberlainâs announcement that Britain was in a state of war with Germany from a man in Lorne Road leaning over his gate in his shirtsleeves on our trek back from Divine Service at Park Grove Strict and Particular Baptist Chapel. My parents were Calvinists who had inherited their parentsâ belief that only a predestined Elect would go to Heaven, that every word of the Bible was literally true, that Sunday was the Sabbath Day to be kept holy, that the theatre, cinema and even radio were devices of the Devil, and that sex was something that didnât bear talking about.
At school, ever since at the age of seven I had told them that Miss Ross had pronounced the parting of the Red Sea a natural phenomenon, I had been barred from Scripture lessons. I had to sit at the back of other classes, a fish out of water. One year my predicament was overlooked. I didnât like to remind anyone and I spent the weekly period lurking in the cloakroom, pretending to be looking for something in my locker or macintosh pocket when anyone passed through.
One winter afternoon when I was fifteen I went down town to the Plaza Cinema and for some time walked up and down in the slush outside, glancing at the stills and the dimly-lit carpeted foyer as though they were inducements to the Bottomless Pit. After a while I walked another mile or so to the Roxy. There were pictures of high-kicking chorus girls and I proceeded to the Scala where I gave God a third chance to divert me, before it was too late, from the primrose path. Sleet was falling and a gust of warm air, smelling of sickly-sweet disinfectant, enveloped me as a couple of boys shoved nonchalantly through the swing doors. I went in. It was a Will Hay film and I couldnât help laughing.
Going to chapel meant a half-hourâs walk (no bus-riding on Sunday) from the leafy suburbs through a seedy district of terraced houses and tenements, where what we called âstreet arabsâ ran wild and barefoot. The chapel was a converted Damesâ school at the end of a countryfied lane, completely hidden from the outside world by high walls and an apple orchard. The glass of the windows was frosted and ribbed and through it the apple-boughs stirred in a breeze like fronds in an oceanâs depths. That bottle-green blur was the background to many a desperate childhood fantasy as the voice droned on (âAnd here there are five points we have to consider ⊠â) and time crawled on leaden ticks of a wall-clock that had had its chime taken out.
Sometimes, in desperation, the two younger sisters and I, who formed a middle âcliqueâ in our family of seven, would fashion nodding, gesticulating figures out of knotted handkerchiefs and have to let out the painfully-suppressed laughter in bursts of breathy coughing that only made things funnier. Miss Sloane, who sat with her brother in the pew in front of us and had a genuine cough of her own, would look round accusingly as though we were mocking her. She was a wizened little dressmaker who had once made me a flannel dressing-gown that smelt of fish. We were fascinated by the way she would manoeuvre a cough-sweet out of her handbag under cover of a handkerchief and inch it up her flat bosom to her mouth as though to have popped it in quite openly would have been an affront to God. After one service, in the lane where the meagre congregation would gather after the service for an exchange of heavy salutations, Mr Sloane had said, âWell, youâve got to get your life over with, havenât you?â
My father, who was secretary of a shipping company and ruled us with a firm but loving hand, alternated most Sundays at the desk under the pulpit with Mr Shaw, an elderly postman with a limp and glasses that slipped to the end of his long nose. He prepared his sermons on Saturday nights in his study, where rows of massive Concordances crowded shelves next to box-files containing bills and receipts and school reports and where there was a cane, not often used, tucked away behind a cupboard. His sermons were at least of reasonable length and lucidity. Mr Shaw read haltingly and interminably from the collected sermons of Mr Philpot or Mr Popham and his prayers would sinuously fasten on himself as the most miserable of sinners. His voice would choke and there would be a painful silence before he could get out a simile like âworthless wormâ.
The pulpit was reserved for visiting preachers from other Strict and Particular Baptist chapels in the north. Their idiosyncracies provided rich material for our game of âChapelâ in the breakfast-room at home, with a pulpit on the table and a congregation usually consisting of Aunt Alice, sitting ramrod straight and severe, Great Uncle Jim jerking himself in the nick of time from sleep, Mr Shaw drooping his head in despair and wiping away many a tear, and Miss Sloane getting at a cough-sweet. Rachel was particularly good at Mr Caton who had an extraordinary way of mouthing his words as though chewing cud. On some words his jaw would seem temporarily to get stuck.
But in more recent years the minutely familiar interior of Park Grove had been the setting for a seemingly unresolvable spiritual conflict between a straitlaced inherited faith and a vaguely formulated credo that had its roots in literature, music, paintings, the English countryside, the imagined past and, increasingly, a search, half-mystical, half-lustful, for That Not Impossible She. Nothing less than a sign or a voice from Heaven would now do. And it would need to be a good deal more conclusive than the kind of experiences related by Aunt Grace in a long and earnest correspondence, like being âgiven strengthâ to face her first needlework class. It would need to be more like what happened to St Paul on the road to Damascus or what had soured the fruits of evil so manifestly enjoyed by St Augustine and John Donne.
On this first Sunday of the war I was 23 days from being 20, introverted, immature, looking back to childhood as to a Golden Age and to the future with apprehension. At Birkenhead School, in the wake of an elder brother who had âcarried all before himâ, I had distinguished myself in nothing except the number of prizes I had taken away from Speech Day platforms. But I was not up to scholarship standard (my brother had won an exhibition to Magdalen, Oxford) and at 17, with no clear idea what I wanted to be, had gone for an interview at the Public Schools Careers Bureau in London. A Captain Pullein-Thompson had looked at me sourly when I expressed a vague interest in publishing and journalism. âI suppose you were good at English,â he growled and a door seemed to clang. He got me a job with a Liverpool produce merchant which specialized in hams and dog food and offered âexcellent chances of promotionâ.
I lasted nearly a year at Morrellâs, pacing morning and evening the open deck of the Woodside/Pierhead ferryboat with determined-looking businessmen in bowlers (as my father had done for the past twenty-five years) and wondering if I could ever become the Average Man. I was started on the bottom rung of the ladder, wrapping up advertising displays and sample tins of Red Heart dog food and staggering with them to the Post Office, delivering invoices and cheques to offices and dock warehouses, and taking round the afternoon tea.
The other lads called me Hunkus of the Mohicans and forgave me my public school accent when I became adept at filching biscuits when Mrs Hoareâs back was turned at the tea-urn, and when it leaked out that, instead of taking all the mail round by hand, I had been posting those with addresses at some distance from the office and spending an hour or so in the Kardomah, reading. When I left they presented me, over a farewell drink, with a nine-stanza poem:
â ⊠Around the City he will roam
In his feathers bright and red.
âWhy should I trudge this filthy snow?
Iâll post them all instead.â
And so to a café he will go,
And sit him down to read
Those classics that he loves so much,
To trash he pays no heed.â
I had got a job on the bi-weekly Birkenhead News, whose editor was an Old Boy, and was soon busy writing up council meetings, police court cases, Conservative fĂȘtes, learning the appropriate phrase at the side of the open coffin in a terrace-house parlour where lay the late president of the local bowling club, getting a lift back in Mr Ballâs hearse from some arctic cemetery after collecting the names of the mourners (âMy name! Iâm the Deputy Town Clerk!â), posing as art and music critics because no one else was interested and trying to eschew phrases like âMiss Tostle was adequate at the pianoâ.
I had signed an agreement as impressive-looking as Magna Carta, which bound me to a three-year apprenticeship, earning five shillings a week the first year, ten the second and a pound the third. The only direct instruction I remember receiving was to write copy sideways on the pad, not lengthwise.
Now war was here and the blue sky above the hawthorn and laburnum stretched wide open to Germany. The cucumber sandwiches were finished and the animal food expert was looking restive. His sonâs fiancĂ©e was pretty in a mousy way, with bare brown legs that she nervously smoothed, but shyness was not a bond I looked for in a Not Impossible She. Mystery, yes, a certain elusiveness (âOh stay and hear thy true loveâs callingâ) but not that clammy disease called shyness.
My father stood up and Kathleen Carpenter reached for her bag on the grass. Then she leaned back again in her chair and that sour, searching look of hers flickered from face to face. Her eyes caught mine and fastened there and her lips, on which even a smile sat like a sneer, twitched. âAnd what are you going to do about it all?â she asked, rhetorically.
CHAPTER TWO
Next evening, as recorded in the âDiary in Wartimeâ I had just started, I attended a meeting of potential Conscientious Objectors and wondered if God had ordained that it should be held in the drawing-room of 35 Chestnut Grove, Higher Tranmere. For this Victorian stone house on the other side of the town, now owned by Quakers, had for long been the home of my Scottish-born maternal grandparents; here I had been born and here were enshrined my earliest memories.
It was a nondescript collection of people, including Duncan, a sixth form friend with whom I shared artistic endeavours (self-taught piano playing, dabbling with pastel and paint, verse-writing), a taste for surreal humour (e.g. the Marx brothers, Edward Lear) and an anti-establishment bias. For me leanings towards pacifism had originated in a school expedition to Germany, in 1936, which took in the desolate battlefields and eerie forts of Verdun. I had since been haunted by imaginings of the Western Front, finding in the writings of Siegfried Sassoon, Robert Graves, Wilfred Owen, Erich Remarque, a fascination hard to resist. I felt how, once experienced, the huddled horror of the trenches, the nightmare No Manâs Land, might draw one hypnotically back from the shallow comforts of Blighty: the monstrous anger of the guns a Sirensâ song. You would be back There.
Only two days before, I had received a long letter from my brother Martin in Oxford in which he presented a reasoned analysis of the various arguments for pacifism, and proceeded to demolish both them and the mixed-up case I had put to him. At scho...