The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays

Charles Busch

• Publisher: Grove Press
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN: 9780802137852
• eBook ISBN: 9780802196415
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: American Drama
• Index: Literature

Four riotous plays in one volume from a winner of an Outer Critics Circle Award: "A comic playwright of the first rank."— New York Daily News
Renowned for his wicked camp humor and biting social satire, playwright and drag legend Charles Busch has delighted audiences both on and off Broadway. This book contains four of his works, among them Vampire Lesbians of Sodom, one of the longest-running plays in Off-Broadway history, of which the New York Times said "the female roles [Busch] creates are hilarious vamps, but also high comic characters…the audience laughs at the first line and goes right on laughing at every line to the end."
Also included is the Tony-nominated Broadway hit The Tale of the Allergist's Wife—a comedy about a self-absorbed Upper West Side woman whose life is devoted to mornings at the Whitney, afternoons at the Museum of Modern Art, and evenings at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, until her world is transformed by a visit from a childhood friend; The Lady in Question, a tribute to 1940s Hollywood that is both funny and suspenseful; and Psycho Beach Party, a cross between Gidget and Spellbound.

RED SCARE ON SUNSET

Charles Busch as 1950s star Mary Dale in Red Scare on Sunset. Photo Credit: T. L. Boston.

THE CAST

Red Scare on Sunset was originally produced by Theatre-in-Limbo (Manny Kladitis, Drew Dennett, Shaun Huttar) on April 24, 1991, at the WPA Theatre (Kyle Renick, Artistic Director). Directed by Kenneth Elliott, with set design by B.T. Whitehill; costumes, Debra Tennenbaum; lighting, Vivien Leone; and sound, Aural Fixation, it was performed with the following cast, in order of appearance:

THE CHARACTERS

Ralph Barnes

Jerry

Pat Pilford

Frank Taggart

Mary Dale

Malcolm

Marta Towers

Salesgirl

Mitchell Drake

Bertram Barker

R. G. Benson

Granny Lou

Old Lady

Place:

Hollywood, California

Time:

1951

RED SCARE ON SUNSET

PROLOGUE

Setting: The stage where The Pat Pilford Radio Show is broadcast. An “on the air” sign hangs above. The year is 1951, the place: Los Angeles.

At Rise: JERRY, a technician enters SR with a cigarette in his mouth, carrying a mike stand and a script folded in his jacket pocket. He sets mike DSC, exits SR and returns with doorslam unit and sets it SL. He adjusts mike.

RALPH BARNES enters. Ralph is an actor playing the folksy Uncle Sven on the radio show and is wearing a fake moustache and porkpie hat.

RALPH (Looking over his script.) Hey there, Jerry.

JERRY Afternoon, Mr. Barnes.

RALPH Have you read this script?

JERRY Nah, I never read ‘em.

RALPH Smart fella. You know they pay people to write this stuff?

DIRECTOR (V.O.) Ralph, please. The studio audience.

RALPH Just kidding, folks, Just kidding.

DIRECTOR (V.O.) Has anyone seen Pat?

RALPH Can’t say that I’ve had the pleasure.

DIRECTOR (V.O.) It’s thirty seconds to air.

JERRY I’ll check her dressing room. (Exits SR.)

RALPH Would you like me to read her part? (No response.) There goes my big chance.

JERRY (Reentering SR.) She’s coming.

DIRECTOR (V.O.) Fifteen seconds. Where is our star?

PAT PILFORD enters SR. She’s an attractive blonde in her thirties the quintessential movie wisecracking, loyal sidekick, a clown who can’t resist a doubletake or a pratfall. She’s also a fierce right wing red baiter. Pat is both unlovable but impossible to dislike. She enters wearing an outrageous hat covered with fruit.)

PAT I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! You try running in this corset. (To the audience.) Believe it or not, I have a terrible weight problem. I always have to be on a diet. My old boyfriend, Herman, gave me a present. It didn’t fit. And it was a Buick.

DIRECTOR Five, four, three, two . . .

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Veedol Motor Oil Program with Pat Pilford . . .

Applause/Music.

ANNOUNCER . . . makers of Veedol Motor Oil, found wherever fine cars travel, present Miss Show Business, Pat Pilford. With Ralph Barnes, Emmaline Crane, Jimmy Stall and special guest stars Tony Martin, Dagmar, Slapsy Maxie Rosenbloom, Les Paul and Mary Ford. Yours truly Bill Simmons and Victor Arnold and his chiffon orchestra. (Music Tag.) . . . And now your fabulous femme-cee, Pat Pilford.

PAT Hello sweeties. Boy oh boy, do we have a show for you. I get so excited. I can’t help it. I suppose I’ve always been stage struck. I’m the type of gal that when I open the refrigerator and the light goes on, I do twenty minutes. Now I simply must tell you . . .

Jerry slams door.

RALPH (Using a comical Swedish accent.) Patty dear, may I speak to you for just a minute?

PAT Oh Uncle Sven, (Applause.) I’m about to start my show. Is something the matter?

RALPH I apologize. How would you like to go with me Saturday night to the Swedish folk dance marathon? What suspense? Can Olaf and Hildy dance the Glog and Shpickle for forty-eight hours?

PAT I’m afraid I’ll have to pass. Hold onto your chair. I’ve got a date Saturday night.

RALPH Oh yumpin’ yimminy. I’m as yolly as a yune bug dancing a yoyful yig. Is this a serious romance?

PAT Sure is. His first glimpse of me was at the Beverly Hills Hotel when I was lying by the pool. I was being real seductive. He was desperate to meet me. I heard him whisper to his pal “get her.”

RALPH Now darlin’, be careful. Sometimes I just worry about your choice in men.

PAT Oh, you’re thinking about Herman. He wasn’t what you call “husband material.” He was addicted to horse racing. When I took him to church, I had to keep telling him “It’s Hallelujah, not Hialeah.”

RALPH I apologize for interfering, but I just have your best interests . . .

PAT (Putting down her script.) I have to stop here.

RALPH (Still acting.) I just have your best interests at heart . . .

PAT I said stop. I cannot continue this show.

RALPH (Retaining his accent.) Patty, dear, is there something I can do?

PAT Yes, you can can the accent. You’re not Uncle Sven. Fortunately you are no relation to me at all. You’re Ralph Barnes, an actor, and as of now, an unemployed actor.

RALPH (Dropping the accent.) I don’t understand.

PAT Then I shall make myself clear. You’re fired. I will not perform another minute with anyone whose politics jeopardize . . .

RALPH Pat, I’d be very careful choosing my next few words if I were you.

PAT How are these words? I’m giving you the pink slip, bub.

RALPH I can’t believe this is happening. Pat, we are on the air.

PAT I don’t care if we’re in the air, I will not continue until you leave this studio. I’m waiting.

RALPH (Mortified.) I will. I will leave. I can’t believe this. This is unbelievable. (He exits SR bewildered.)

PAT My dear audience. I apologize for what must seem to you cruel and unprofessional behavior. Sometimes in life, drastic measures must be taken. A long time ago, I devoted my life to bringing you, the American public, wholesome, clean entertainment for the entire family and I will be darned if I’ll let some cynical, agitating New York actor come between me and that pledge. Now I say this to you, not as Pat Pilford, funny lady but as a concerned citizen and long-time friend, the time has come for all of us to clean house.

BLACKOUT

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

The beach house of movie stars Mary Dale and Frank Taggart. There is a chair SR and a small settee SL with a coffee table in between. On either side of the stage are platforms that can be used as table surfaces.

Late afternoon, tea time. Pat Pilford is seated with FRANK, a handsome and intense man in his mid-thirties.

FRANK I’m surprised to see you. That was some havoc you created on your show this afternoon. The whole town must be talking about it.

PAT You should have seen the press buzzing around. It was like they had Mexican jumping beans in their jockstraps. All I did was fire an actor.

FRANK On the air and nearly denouncing him as a communist.

PAT And I should have but I could see my producer was about to have a coronary. I’m sorry. I just hate phoniness. Anyway, Frank, what’s done is done, no looking back, tomorrow’s another day.

FRANK But this is serious. You’ve destroyed a man’s career.

PAT You dramatic actors get so histrionic. He can always get a job with the Moscow Art Theatre. Look, I don’t want to talk about it. C’est la vie. Frank, I am very impressed with this house. It is just too, too, too, too, toooo . . . I’m so glad Mary wouldn’t let me see it till it was finished.

FRANK Well, it’s not my taste but you know Mary. She always wanted a real movie star beach house in Santa Monica.

PAT Mary has such style...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• Vampire Lesbians of Sodom
• Psycho Beach Party
• The Lady in Question
• Red Scare on Sunset
• The Tale of the Allergist’s Wife
• Foot notes