The Marriage of Bette and Boo

Christopher Durang

• Publisher: Grove Press
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN: 9780802133656
• eBook ISBN: 9780802188915
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: American Drama
• Index: Literature

A painfully funny, Obie Award-winning play about the tragedy and comedy of family life.
Never have marriage and the family been more scathingly or hilariously savaged than in this brilliant black comedy. The Marriage of Bette and Boo brings together two of the maddest families in creation in a portrait album of life's uncertainties and confusion. Bereaved by miscarriages, undermined by their families, separated by alcoholism, assaulted by disease, and mystified by their priest, Bette and Boo, in their bewildered attempts to provide a semblance of hearth and home, are portrayed with a poignant compassion that enriches and enlarges the play, and makes clear why Christopher Durang has become one of the great names in American theater.
"One of the most explosively funny American dramatists."— Newsweek

ACT TWO

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Scene 19

Bette, Boo, Father Donnally down center. Matt to the side. All the others stand together as they did in the beginning to sing the “Bette and Boo” theme. Music introduction to the theme is heard.

All (except Bette, Boo, Father Donnally, Matt sing):

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall,

Ninety-nine bottles of beer,

Take one down, pass it around,

Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.

Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall,

Ninety-eight bottles of beer . . . (etc.)

(They keep singing this softly under the following scene.)

Boo (holding up a piece of paper): I pledge, in front of Father Donnally, to give up drinking in order to save my marriage and to make my wife and son happy.

Father Donnally: Now sign it, Boo.

(Boo signs it.)

Bette (happy): Thank you, Boo. (Kisses him; to Father Donnally:) Should you bless him or something?

Father Donnally: Oh, I don't know. Sure. (Blesses them.) In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Bette: Thank you, Father.

Father Donnally: All problems can be worked out, can't they?

Bette: Yes, they can.

Father Donnally: Through faith.

Bette: And willpower. Boo, let's have another baby.

Those Singing (finishing):

Take one down, pass it around,

God bless us one and all!

(Lights change.)

Scene 20

Bette and Boo dance. Perhaps no music in the background.

Bette: This is fun to go dancing, Boo. We haven't gone since before our honeymoon.

Boo: You're mighty pretty tonight, gorgeous.

Bette: I wonder if Bonnie Wilson grew up to be pretty. We were the two stupidest in the class. I don't think Joanie's marriage is working out. Nikkos is a louse.

Boo: I think the waiter thought I was odd just ordering ginger ale.

Bette: The waiter didn't think anything about it. You think everyone's looking at you. They're not. Emily said she's going to pray every day that this baby lives. I wonder what's the matter with Emily.

Boo: Your family's crazy.

Bette: Don't criticize my family, Boo. I'll get angry. Do you think I'm prettier than Polly Lydstone?

Boo: Who?

Bette: You're going to have to make more money when this baby comes. I think Father Donnally is very nice, don't you? Your father is terrible to your mother. My father was always sweet to my mother.

Boo: I think the waiter thinks I'm odd.

Bette: What is it with you and the waiter? Stop talking about the waiter. Let's just have a nice time. (They dance in silence.) Are you having a nice time?

Boo: You're lookin’ mighty pretty tonight, Bette.

Bette: Me too, Boo.

They dance, cheered up. Lights change.)

Scene 21

Matt addresses the audience.

Matt: Holidays, an essay by Matthew Hudlocke. Holidays were invented in 1203 by Sir Ethelbert Holiday, a sadistic Englishman. It was Sir Ethelbert's hope that by setting aside specific days on which to celebrate things—the birth of Christ, the death of Christ, Beowulf's defeat over Grendel—that the population at large would fall into a collective deep depression. Holidays would regulate joy so that anyone who didn't feel joyful on those days would feel bad. Single people would be sad they were single. Married people would be sad they were married. Everyone would feel disappointment that their lives had fallen so far short of their expectations.

A small percentage of people, sensing the sadism in Sir Ethelbert's plan, did indeed pretend to be joyful at these appointed times; everyone else felt intimidated by this small group's excessive delight, and so never owned up to being miserable. And so, as time went on, the habit of celebrating holidays became more and more ingrained into society.

Eventually humorists like Robert Benchley wrote mildly amusing essays poking fun at the impossibility of enjoying holidays, but no one actually spoke up and attempted to abolish them.

And so, at this time, the Thanksgiving with the gravy having been such fun, Bette and Boo decided to celebrate the holiday of Christmas by visiting the Hudlockes.

(Maybe a bit of Christmas music. Emily sits near Karl and Soot. Boo is off to one side, drinking something. Bette is off to another side, looking grim; she is also looking pregnant. Matt sits on floor near Emily or Soot.)

Emily: I think Christmas is becoming too commercial. We should never forget whose birthday we are celebrating.

Soot: That's right. Whose birthday are we celebrating?

Emily: Our Lord Savior.

Soot: Oh yes, of course. I thought she meant some relative.

Emily: Jesus.

Soot: It's so nice of you to visit us today, Emily. I don't think I've seen you since you were away at that . . . well . . . away. (Laughs.)

Emily: Skippy asked me to come along, but I'm enjoying it.

Karl: Soot, get Bore and me another drink.

Bette: IF BOO HAS ANOTHER DRINK, I AM GOING TO SCREAM AND SCREAM UNTIL THE WINDOWS BREAK! I WARN YOU! (Pause.)

Karl (looks at Bette): You're having another baby, woman?

Boo: I told you, Pop. Besty has a lot of courage.

Karl: You're try...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Table of Contents
• ACT ONE
• ACT TWO
• Author's Notes