35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say

Surprising Things We Say That Widen the Diversity Gap

Maura Cullen

• Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
• Year: 2008
• ISBN:
  9781600378126
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Comunicazione aziendale
• Index: Business

"The go-to guide on diversity.... A must-read book for [anyone] who wants to understand what it takes to respect and work with today's global workforce." —Brendon Burchard, #1 New York Times –bestselling author of High Performance Habits A powerful diversity training tool from one of the most respected diversity trainers. Even well-intended people can cause harm. Have you ever heard yourself or someone else say: "Some of my best friends are... (Black, White, Asian, etc.)"? "I don't think of you as... (Gay, Disabled, Jewish, etc.)"? "I don't see color, I'm colorblind"? These statements and dozens like them can build a divide between us and the people we interact with. Though well-intended, they often widen the diversity gap sometimes causing irreparable harm personally and professionally. If you've ever wanted to be more effective in your communication with others, or have been afraid of saying the wrong thing, then this concise guide is essential to becoming more inclusive and diversity-smart. "Good intentions are not enough in this well written, down to earth, no blame, insightful book. If you ever found yourself unsure of what to say, then this book will provide you valuable tools to be more effective every day." —Judith H. Katz, Ed. D. author of White Awareness: Handbook for Anti-racism Training

SETTING THE STAGE

Chapter One

This book was written to inspire you to achieve more inclusive, compassionate and effective communication patterns.

It will demonstrate just how common it is for well-intended people to inadvertently cause harm without ever knowing they have done so. People often make statements which they intend to be supportive or complimentary, but end up being problematic. Meant as joining statements, these remarks often have the opposite effect and end up creating a larger divide, and at times inciting feelings of anger. Ultimately, the problem continues to repeat itself over and over because many of us are not aware that we have done or said anything offensive in the first place! Your relationships with colleagues and family members for example, may be compromised everyday, yet you may not be aware of the damage being done. This is definitely preventable, as you will see in the chapters which follow

This book offers you practical ways to quickly transform the quality and effectiveness of your interactions. You will learn how by making small adjustments to what you say can reap huge rewards in your personal and professional life. It will offer valuable insights as to how your everyday comments impact others.

Acquiring knowledge of these 35 Dumb Things is a great start to improving your relationships, both personally and professionally. Having this knowledge is the first step, but learning the necessary skills to apply this knowledge is crucial. No matter how hard we try to avoid offensive or hurtful language, we will never be perfect. The true test of our consciousness happens after we mess up, and how well we respond to our mistakes and the action we take. This book breaks down these 3 very important steps: Knowledge, Skills and Action, and shows you how to implement strategies to prevent potential hurtful words and actions.

The first section of this book will provide the skill segment of the knowledge, skill and action equation. If you are like me, you may be tempted to skip the 10 Core Concepts and just read the 35 Dumb Things. This would be a mistake. The 10 Core Concepts are equally, if not more, critical to understand than the actual dumb statements themselves.

The knowledge segment will consist of actual 35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say, and the action segment will be found at the end in the section entitled, 6 Smart Steps For Well-Intended People.

How important is it to adopt all three of these steps? Let me share with you a real life example of when I put only two of the three steps into action. The end result speaks for itself.

Many years ago, I attended a wedding where all of the guests were white with the exception of one couple who were African American. My friends and I were standing in the bar area and I noticed that when the man of color went to get a drink, he was asked for identification by the white bartender. I found this interesting because he was the only person I noticed being asked to show identification. He was clearly older than me and my friends and yet none of us were challenged by the bartender. Believing this could possibly be an act of racism, I mentioned my observation to my friends. My friends encouraged me to just let it go and to take a day off from my “social justice mission.” This I would not do. So for the next twenty minutes I observed the frequency of people being asked for identification. Not one other person was asked! What put me over the top and ignited my need to take action was when a boy of about fourteen ordered, and was given, two beers by this same bartender.

At that point I marched up to the bartender and pronounced him to be “a racist asshole!” Granted, this was not my finest moment. In retrospect, I wish I had approached the bartender in a more calm and informative manner, yet I was incensed at what I had perceived to be his racist attitude. This is a clear example of what happens when good people want to take action to eradicate injustice yet not having the skills to be effective.

Was this an effective intervention? Did it seek to educate? Was it done in a respectful manner? The answer to all of those questions is no. In my eagerness to practice my new skills for confronting acts of intolerance I was disrespectful and ineffective. Like any new skill you won’t be perfect in the beginning. Yet in order to improve your skills you need to start somewhere. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes because the bigger mistake is to do nothing.

Keeping in mind the model of Knowledge, Skills, Action, I possessed the knowledge and took immediate action, but lacked the skills which resulted in a less than desirable outcome. Having a solid understanding of the 10 Core Concepts is essential towards building these critical skills.

WHAT THIS BOOK IS

This book shares lessons I have learned throughout my career as an experienced diversity trainer and speaker in the field of social justice. As I continue to grow and learn about issues of diversity and inclusion, I am certain that these conversations do not have to be combative or divisive. You will soon recognize this spirit in the pages which follow, as I offer you the best practices I have found in creating more inclusive organizations.

On the other hand, my intention is not to eliminate all of the adversity which often accompanies our conversations around diversity issues. In fact, I strongly believe that a certain amount of conflict and discomfort is essential to initiate change. However, I believe we can all do a better job at lessening the levels of incivility by increasing the levels of knowledge and respect.

WHAT THIS BOOK IS NOT

This book is not an in-depth look at the complexities of social justice and oppression. It doesn’t offer theories, nor will it attempt to explain them. It is not meant to do anything except offer insight about the power and impact of everyday language.

Today, as we embrace a global economy, more and more individuals and organizations understand the benefits and necessity of leveraging the diversity of experience, cultures and perspectives within the workforce. On a personal level, families encounter this diversity, tensions arise and feelings are hurt because difference is not discussed in a practical way. As our national populations grows and diversifies, so does our level of discomfort in having dialogue around difference. As a result, many of our conversations have us walking on eggshells.

One of the cornerstones of being able to take the sting out of many conversations around diversity, or any topic for that matter, revolves around basic skills of being courteous and respectful of others. Yet common courtesy is not enough to shift the dynamics necessary to create a more inclusive community. Such change requires a strong base of knowledge and the understanding of core competencies and skills.

Over the years I have said and used many of the following “dumb” statements on more than one occasion. Most of the time, I was totally clueless as to the impact I was having on the other person. I try very hard not to intentionally cause harm to anyone, but just because I don’t mean to cause harm doesn’t mean that my actions or words still don’t hurt or offend the other person. This is one of the core concepts, intent vs. impact. Just because we have good intentions does not mean that the other person is not negatively impacted. This concept will be further explained later.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

According to the American Heritage Dictionary, the term politically correct is defined as: “relating to or supporting broad social, political, and educational change, especially to redress historical injustices in matters such as race, class, gender, and sexual orientation.” The furor over the concept of political correctness, also referred to as being “PC”, has widened the divide on our conversations around issues of diversity. Often used with an accusatory and negative tone, political correctness is defined by various perspectives. For some, political correctness is an intrusion on their first amendment rights. This group of individuals believes that living in the United States guarantees our basic right to say what we want regardless of what others may think or feel. This freedom of speech is a core and fundamental right stated in the United States Constitution. Therefore, the creation of “hate speech codes” or other kinds of legislation which limits speech is seen as an assault on our First Amendment rights.

For others, political correctness looks to secure another fundamental right of The Constitution; the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It is also reflected in the last line of the Pledge of Allegiance, “With liberty and justice for all.” Non-discrimination laws and legislation allow people to be free from harassment and discrimination which may impede their right for equal opportunity.

Some limits already exist to our First Amendment rights, such as not being able to falsely shout “fire” in a public building, which was created with the intention of keeping people free from harm. Creating hate speech clauses serves a similar purpose.

In your attempt to determine what you can and cannot say, from not only a legal perspective, but a common decency perspective, a little common sense can go a long way. For instance, if there are words or terms that I know may be offensive or hurtful to someone, then I won’t use those words. Why should I inflict intentional harm?

Whoever developed the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” was naïve. Rather, I subscribe to the statement, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can scar a lifetime,” All of us can recall being ridiculed as kids or being insulted as adults, and those words are not easily forgotten. Words are a most powerful weapon. They are how wars are literally started and ended. If by changing my vocabulary to avoid causing harm I am to be judged as being “politically correct,” then I am most certainly guilty.

However, getting caught up in terminology or over analyzing what you say before you say it, can cause well-intentioned people to become overly cautious. Censoring everything you think and feel results in our conversations becoming less genuine.

For example, Santa’s in Australia were told to refrain from using St. Nick’s traditional “Ho Ho Ho” greeting because it was derogatory and offensive towards women. Santa Claus’ were instructed instead to say “Ha Ha Ha.” Is it any wonder why so many people get frustrated and discount the validity and importance of choosing our words wisely?

Yet that same term, “Ho” was used by Don Imus, a talk show host to describe Black athletes of the Rutgers University women’s basketball team when he referred to them as “Nappy headed Ho’s.” The implication for using “Ho” in that context is far more offensive than Santa’s simple greeting of “Ho Ho Ho.”

What’s the answer? Sometimes we need to reach around the words in order to balance our humanity with our individual freedoms. We also need to recognize that there is power in our words and how we choose to use them. Words are the vehicle through which communication is exchanged and reflect how we see our world and those around us. What you say matters. The question becomes, are you willing to improve your impact on others?

A WORD ABOUT WORDS

Have you ever found yourself unsure of what to say, or what word to use, so said nothing? One of the major challenges when communicating across differences centers on the use of language and terminology. Words can ease your ability to communicate or they can put up walls, often without your awareness. And, to add more confusion, the meanings of words change along with the times. What was once accepted terminology is no longer acceptable. What was once funny is now potentially offensive.

Staying current on appropriate word choice and phrases requires effort on your part. Unfortunately, we don’t receive daily email updates with advice on today’s acceptable language. Often the updating of language is done through personal trial and error which can be frustrating and embarrassing. Some unintentional mistakes in language are met with judgment and impatience. People on the receiving end of this exchange are tired of having to constantly serve as educators, with the expectation that they must be patient with the person who is using language that they find offensive. And conversely, people whose language is being corrected are tired of being educated, and believe that too much emphasis is placed on words and people are overreacting.

For instance, decades ago the term “colored people” was regarded as a polite description of black people. Nowadays, this term is seen as offensive and has been replaced with the term “people of color.” This terminology is used to describe all non-white people, not just black people. The emphasis is on the person and not on the color.

“Mulatto” was another common term that was used many years ago to describe people who we would now refer to as biracial or multiracial. This term is thought to be derived from the word mulatto (small mule), which itself is derived from mulo (mule), once a generic name of any hybrid species.

“Oriental” is no longer seen as a welcomed term to describe people. The term is associated with foreign or exotic objects and is used as an adjective to describe an object such as a rug or vase. However, used as a noun, the word objectifies and demeans people from Asia or of Asian decent. “Oriental” continues to be descriptive of many things, but is best not to be used to describe people.

Adding to the confusion, sometimes terminology which once was offensive is now acceptable. As a means of empowerment, a group or political movement may “take back” a word to diminish its negative impact. “Queer” is now an acceptable term by those in the queer movement. Queer studies is now a discipline being offered at colleges and universities, yet at the same time the use of this word can be a slippery slope. This relatively new acceptance of the word queer is favored in certain arenas and still taboo in others.

Within the disability movement, there are people who reclaimed the term “disabled” after it had fallen out of favor. The term had previously described the physical, developmental or psychological “impairments” of the person, and was experienced by many as disempowering. Reframing the word “disabled” places the focus on external barriers of accessibility and inequity. It is the barriers which are disabling rather than the person themselves. Others in the disability movement prefer the term “people with disabilities,” as it places the focus on the person rather than the disability.

Similarly, the term “handicapped” is not viewed favorably by people with disabilities. Some believe that this word was developed because the person with the disability had to beg for money with their “cap” in “hand.” This is a falsehood. What is true, however, is that people with disabilities have been, and continue to be, discriminated and excluded from the workforce.

So what do we do with all of this language shifting, short of not saying anything? Where there is no risk, there is no reward. Stretching out of your comfort zone by having dialogue with people who are different increases your opportuni...