The Elevated Communicator

How to Master Your Style and Strengthen Well-Being at Work

Maryanne O'Brien

• Publisher: S&S/Simon Element
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9781982154776
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Business Communication
• Index: Business

Discover your communication style and elevate consciousness at work to build trust, strengthen collaboration, relieve stress, and improve well-being. Our work lives revolve around effective communication. It is essential for cultivating trust and team collaboration, as well as strengthening our motivation and well-being at work. And with teams experiencing more anxiety, stress, and burnout than ever before, strong communication skills have never been more essential.The key to this clear and effective communication begins with understanding our own personal communication styles. Bringing our whole and authentic selves to work improves relationships and teamwork. The better we know what drives us, how we impact others, and how our wellbeing impacts our communication, the faster we can close communication gaps to build healthy, successful, and satisfying work lives and more intentional careers. Drawing on more than a decade of original research on communication tendencies and proven mindfulness and habit-formation techniques, Maryanne O'Brien has developed a proprietary model of communication styles: Expressive, Reserved, Direct, or Harmonious.In The Elevated Communicator, you will find:
-A self-assessment to discover your style
-An in-depth style profile to strengthen self-awareness and help you play to your strengths
-Strategies to manage your communication style under stress
-Practices to improve your wellbeing and reduce conflict
-Ways to care for your communication style and improve your wellbeing
-Methods to flex toward other styles to communicate more effectively with people
-Advice on building healthy, trusted, and productive working relationshipsPerfect for fans of StrengthsFinders 2.0 and Gretchen Rubin's The Four Tendencies, The Elevated Communicator is a "refreshing, insightful, and user-friendly" (Tara Peyerl, executive coach and success director, Salesforce) approach to develop daily practices to spiral up, raise consciousness, inspire accountability, and discover your full potential at work.

Part 1 Communication Influences

CHAPTER 1 Communication Is at the Heart of Our Success

When you think about it, nearly all of our work revolves around communication in some form. It doesn’t matter what line of work you’re in, it’s hard to imagine a day where we don’t connect with someone through emails, texts, or phone calls. We routinely run meetings, give and receive feedback, and facilitate brainstorms. In fact, we communicate so frequently that we rarely give it much consideration. But we should. How we communicate influences everything, from how effectively we build relationships to our level of personal well-being.

Communication is so central to every job that it continually tops the list of what recruiters and employers from around the world look for when hiring.¹ Every company wants to hire people who can present their ideas clearly, listen effectively, and work collaboratively. So, it only makes sense that the more effectively we communicate the more success we experience. All the intelligence in the world won’t help you if you can’t get your point across and connect with people.

If you’ve ever felt uneasy sharing your ideas, expressing a differing point of view, or addressing conflict you know that communication isn’t always natural and easy. The truth is that soft skills are hard. They require the ability to really understand yourself and others. Anyone who has ever worked to develop their emotional intelligence (EQ) or leadership skills knows that the human side of work is complicated and necessitates the ability to communicate well. This is why communication reigns supreme when it comes to soft skills; it’s at the foundation of them all. When you have strong communication skills you can read other people’s behavior, avoid and resolve conflict, discuss issues and make decisions, and listen well. The paradox is that while communication is clearly one of the most important skills you can develop, few people invest much time or effort honing this skill.

Remember, the ability to communicate effectively isn’t a personality trait that you either have or you don’t. It’s a learned skill that we can all develop and master through conscious effort and experience. Increasingly, organizations depend on information sharing and collaboration to achieve their goals. This is why communication is considered an essential life skill—it’s critical for building strong interpersonal skills and trusted working relationships.

GENUINE COMMUNICATION BUILDS TRUST

Trust is one of the essential elements that holds our relationships together. When trust is present we feel safe, which allows us to genuinely connect and work well together. When we’re sincere, respectful, and transparent we inspire trust. When we lie, manipulate, or withhold information we damage trust. Pretty straightforward, right? Even so, in many cultures these destructive behaviors happen all too often. Some people fail to realize that without trust there’s no relationship. And at the risk of stating the obvious, having trusted working relationships is critical to how work gets done.

As a consultant, I’m often brought in to work with organizations where trust is low and the toxic fallout is beginning to affect the whole organization. Invariably, there’s a communication issue that needs to be resolved. I’ve worked with leaders who were more comfortable controlling than trusting. Teams where one or two dominant voices drown out all the others. Colleagues who were quick to judge and slow to open up to new perspectives. I’ve seen people become manipulative when they feel threatened and others who shut down, doing the bare minimum to keep from being fired.

I’ve also seen the worst possible situations turn around—a complete 180-degree shift—when people learn to genuinely communicate and work to rebuild trust. Granted, it takes some willingness and flexibility, but people are often motivated by the fact that they want to get promoted or stay employed. Plus, most people aren’t looking for more conflict. Most of the time they just haven’t been able to see or acknowledge how they’re contributing to the problem—we all have blind spots and blaming others is easier than seeing ourselves fully. Some people have no idea how they’re coming across, especially when they’re under stress; in these situations, raising their self-awareness and well-being makes all the difference. Other times, there’s a disparity in how individuals are communicating (what I call a “style gap”) that needs to be bridged to avoid creating additional tension and misunderstandings.

Every communication style has a range of expressions that spans from healthy (on our best days) to stressed (on our worst days). Where we fall on that spectrum has a lot to do with how well we take care of ourselves. When we make it a point to get a good night’s sleep, create a positive mindset, and play to our strengths we move into the healthy zone: we listen, stay open, and thoughtfully respond. And when we’re exhausted and overwhelmed, we slip into stress mode: we become blunt, impatient, judgmental, and reactive.

The goal is to gradually move your autopilot mode (how you act day in and day out) toward the healthiest expression of your style and narrow the gap between your actions when you’re healthy and stressed. That way you’re at your best more often than not. Just to be clear, operating from your healthiest, most Zen self 100% of the time is not the goal. That would be an outrageous expectation! Can you imagine never feeling irritated or making a sarcastic remark ever again in your life? But with some simple interventions and a little dedication you can learn to recognize when you’re in danger of widening that communication gap and take the necessary steps to care for yourself so that you can communicate from a healthier place, have a positive impact on the people around you, and build trust.

There are few forces as powerful as trust when it comes to cementing relationships. It’s also a choice: We choose to be sincere, respectful, and transparent. We choose to be genuine—to be open, respond honestly, and listen with curiosity. As you begin to understand your communication style (which we’ll explore in more detail in Part 2), you’ll become increasingly aware of how you communicate and connect with others at your best. And you’ll gain insight into how you can authentically build trust with people whose communication needs differ from yours. By simply taking someone’s style needs into consideration you can help put them at ease and create smoother interactions.

WELL-BEING AFFECTS OUR LEVEL OF COMMUNICATION

Communication challenges abound when we’re feeling overwhelmed and/or failing to care for our physical and emotional needs. When our stress goes up our ability to communicate goes down. We become more emotional and reactive, and everyone has their own way of handling it. Some of us bulldoze over people to get our way or become argumentative and go on the attack to squash any dissension. And others may withdraw and/or become highly emotional.

I’m very conflict-averse. When tension starts to build, I shut down pretty quickly and go silent. My flight impulse is really strong and all I want to do is leave. And if I’m at a point where the stress is overflowing and I can’t leave, out come the tears.

—Emily (Harmonious)

We all become more sensitive when we’re exhausted and pushing through. Stress activates our reptilian brains, which puts us into fight, flight, or freeze. This makes it difficult to process what we’re feeling or see what’s really driving us. Our self-awareness seems to go right out the window and we become triggered more quickly. We’re quick to judge ourselves and others, taking things personally and projecting rampantly. It’s only through reflection that we can see things more clearly.

When I’m feeling a lot of stress or direct conflict, I can get defensive and find myself playing the victim or blaming others. Recently, I was leading a project and feeling anxious about it. I was struggling to advance, and it brought up a lot of self-doubt. When a colleague shared critical feedback, I immediately interpreted it as an attack. Instead of being open to the conversation, I withdrew—both in my body language and my lack of response. I felt myself taking the feedback personally and allowed it to exacerbate my existing self-doubt, which wasn’t productive or helpful—for me, the team, or the project.

—Ayme (Expressive)

Poor communication keeps us stuck in an endless energy-draining cycle that leaves us emotionally depleted. But when we learn to recognize our communication patterns under stress, we can address the stress dynamics before they play out and choose a new response. As our self-awareness rises, we begin to better understand ourselves and what’s driving us. We’re able to see how we’re expressing ourselves and impacting others. We can see the influences and dynamics between people and identify how to handle the situation. And, perhaps most important, we show empathy and compassion for others.

When I’m calm and tuned in, I love to support my team. For example, I have one team member who gets nervous whenever he’s presenting… his delivery shifts into this flat mode and it makes everyone uncomfortable. When this starts to happen, I find a natural opening to interject with a supportive comment to connect the dots in a new way that adds a little life to what he’s saying. This immediately puts him at ease and makes things conversational again. My ability to see what people need and address it in the moment builds my team’s trust and confidence in me. When my team performs well and we’re able to help our clients, I feel successful and that motivates me.

—Tara (Expressive)

When we’re feeling calm and centered, it’s much easier to see and sync up with people’s needs. Without stress nagging at our self-preservation instincts, we can focus on others and align our actions with the subtle cues they’re sending. For example, have you ever found yourself adjusting your pace—picking it up or slowing it down—depending on who you’re talking to? Or maybe you see your team’s furtive glances during a meeting and pause an extra moment to allow quieter voices to join the conversation? These simple but significant changes in how we communicate build relationships that foster trust and a sense of belonging.

WE’RE BETTER TOGETHER

It’s hardly surprising that some of our strongest professional relationships become friendships that extend outside of work seeing as we spend more time at work than anywhere else. We come to care about our friends at work and want to know about their lives. And it’s often the people we work with that keep us showing up day after day.

Some people love to build personal relationships with everyone, and others prefer to build just a few friendships and to keep things more professional. No matter where you fall on this spectrum, the science is clear that there are enormous benefits to developing positive social relationships at work. According to Gallup’s 30+ year study, those of us who have a best friend at work are seven times as likely to be engaged in our jobs, produce higher-quality work, and have a greater sense of well-being.²

Then there’s the fact that psychologists have long recognized that we have a strong, innate desire to feel connected to people. You’ve likely heard that your relationships will make or break your career. But more important, the quality of your relationships can make or break your life.

We’re born with a desire to connect with people. Our relationships fulfill our need to feel safe and belong, and they strengthen our well-being. In fact, the field of positive psychology has repeatedly shown that developing interpersonal skills and building positive relationships significantly impacts our physical and mental health. When we have positive social experiences—celebrating a coworker’s birthday, a team lunch, or an inspiring ideation—the brain releases oxytocin, a powerful hormone that’s linked to trustworthiness and motivation to help others at work.³ The more relationships we build that are cooperative, fair, and trusted, the more often we activate this reward pathway in the brain. This cycle promotes continued trust, respect, and confidence between us. It also shifts our mindset from competitive to collaborative, where we believe in and inspire each other to be at our best.⁴

We all know that we’re more likely to share an idea or voice an opinion in a meeting with people we like and trust. We know we’ll be supported and enjoy the discussions that make our ideas better. These experiences boost both our confidence and our well-being. In fact, every positive interaction we have at work directly affects the body’s physiological processes, fortifying our cardiovascular, immune, and neuroendocrine systems against the damaging effects of stress. Simply put, positive working relationships enhance our body’s ability to build, maintain, and repair itself—both at work and at home.⁵

We’re at our best—physically, emotionally, and mentally—when we come together and support one another. So even if it’s not your thing to build a lifetime supply of deep friendships at work, there are plenty of reasons to stay open to the idea and experiment with it a bit. You might even find that you’re pleasantly surprised by the results.

MIND THE GAP

Given all the remarkable things that good communication can do for us, and how important we all acknowledge it to be, you’d think more of us would be better communicators. But the reality is most of us operate with a pretty big gap between how we’re capable of communicating and the everyday reality of how we interact with people. We interrupt when we should be listening. We’re critical instead of being open-minded. We feign agreement rather than raising an important issue.

Sometimes we don’t fully realize that we’re doing it until after the fact. Have you ever looked back on a conversation and wondered, What happened there? Why did I say that? We go in with the intention to patiently listen and support our team but end up cutting people off, using “tone,” or saying nothing in order to keep things moving.

These gaps are caused by a combination of high stress, low well-being, and low self-awareness. In the moment, the pressure gets to us and we emotionally react. We can’t see that we’re making matters worse. And if we can’t see it, we can’t stop it.

ELEVATING COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND CLOSING THE GAP

The good news is we’re not just leaves blowing helplessly in the wind unable to choose how we respond to our environment. We have the ability to change how we communicate. Day by day, conversation by conversation, you can make small changes that will lead to big shifts in the way you connect with people.

Ultimately, becoming an elevated communicator is about closing the communication gap and building trusted relationships that make work more enjoyable and satisfying. It’s about learning to intentionally engage with others with a high level of self-awareness, empathy, and flexibility—even when stress is high. We’re human, so we’ll never be perfect, but we can continue to improve, grow, and evolve.

The first step is to understand the role the brain plays in shaping the way we communicate. When you learn to recognize your unconscious patterns, triggers, and the signals your central nervous system sends, you can use this information to change your response and dissolve patterns that limit the way you think, feel, and express yourself. You can intentionally engage with people and become a more effective communicator—listen to differing perspectives without becoming defensive, say what you think without pushing, and be authentic in every conversation. No matter what line of work you’re in, communication is critical to your success. When you invest in elevating your communication skills, you rai...