Getting It Right When It Matters Most

Self-Leadership for Work and Life

Tony Gambill, Scott Carbonara

• Publisher: Business Expert Press
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9781637420232
• Topic: Persönliche Entwicklung
• Subtopic: Konfliktbewältigung

Discover how to Get It Right in your Moments That Matter —when the situation is complex and relational—and the stakes are high. Transform the outcome of your most challenging situations and interactions when you feel—

• Threatened by charged emotions or uncertainty
• Paralyzed by fear of saying (or doing) the wrong thing (again)
• Defeated by a relationship that seems damaged beyond repair
• Perplexed about how to achieve the results you desire
• Stalled in progress with others due to differing styles and perspective.

In an ever-changing environment when typical habits, behaviors, and thinking aren't enough, Getting It Right When It Matters Most introduces research backed insight and a simple model for your most important situations. Apply self-awareness, learning agility, and emotional intelligence through the Self, Outlook, Action, and Reflection (SOAR) cycle.

CHAPTER 1

Getting It Right

Knowledge is of no value unless you put it into practice.

—Anton Chekov

We Do Not Always Get It Right at Work

Tim was pretty excited about his upcoming performance review. Not only had he exceeded most of his key goals with flying colors, but he had also volunteered for a few corporate teams, even signing up for a big role in an important charity fundraiser.

Yeah, it’s been a pretty good year, Tim reminded himself as he popped his head into his boss’s empty office promptly at 9:00 a.m., as scheduled. While waiting, Tim allowed himself to ponder how much of a raise he would soon be given. Maybe I’ll even be upgraded from a cubicle to a real office—one with a door—he smiled to himself.

After about five minutes, Tim’s boss Stella arrived—apologizing that her last meeting had gone late. Tim and Stella engaged in brief small talk and pleasantries before Stella leaned back in her chair, inhaling deeply before beginning her next words.

“I’ve conducted eight of these quarterly review sessions already this week,” Stella started, as Tim leaned forward in his chair. “But,” she continued, “Yours is by far the most difficult one I have on my plate.”

Tim’s body suddenly felt heavy as he sank in his seat. Shocked, he caught only snippets of phrases like “incomplete tasks,” “too much time on non-essential projects instead of doing your primary work,” and even “chronic lateness.” He felt his blood pressure rising. His face turned red, as his palms got sweaty. He was trying to listen, but his body was reacting even before his words.

Tim might not have known it at the time, but he was experiencing an MTM.

Finally, Tim had heard enough and spoke up.

“Hold on a minute,” he said, thrusting his hand into a stop position. “This is coming out of nowhere. I don’t know how you can see it that way,” Tim raised his voice defensively.

“Tim, I’m not saying that you didn’t work hard. But it’s not about hard work. It’s about results. And sometimes, it’s just doing the little things—like having 100 percent of your deliverables on time, every time,” Stella answered calmly.

“I was on time for this meeting,” Tim heard himself say before he could stop the words from spilling out of his mouth.

The meeting went downhill from there.

Later at his desk, Tim feared that he had just committed job suicide. And if that were the case, he doubted that Stella would give him a good reference to quietly change departments or find another job outside of the company.

Tim was caught off guard. He was prepared for praise, but instead he received criticism that he deemed unfair. As a result, Tim’s emotions turned hot and he raised his voice. Finally, he popped and said something he could not find a way to take back.

Why am I such an idiot? Tim asked himself, reflecting on his words and actions.

We Do Not Always Get It Right at Home

As Thanksgiving approached, Grace was filled with dread at the thought of hosting the family holiday dinner at her home. Grace loved family, but she did not like what happened when her brother-in-law Gary picked fights, which seemed to happen at every gathering.

Grace could not understand Gary’s lack of etiquette. Hadn’t he heard that polite people avoid the three taboo topics of money, religion, or politics? Instead of making those subjects off-limits, those were the only topics Gary seemed interested in discussing at length. And because the upcoming national election grew more heated and ugly as election day approached, she envisioned the dining room table as the platform for Gary to hold a rally, protest, and counter-protest all in one.

So, Grace wasn’t surprised at Thanksgiving when the fireworks started right away. Gary’s booming voice bellowed before his body ever cleared the front door.

“Who’s driving that little wind-up toy with the Communist bumper stickers on it?” Gary asked.

Gary had fought with valor in the Vietnam War and recently retired as the lead technician at a large plumbing company.

Grace did not know it, but she, too, was experiencing an MTM.

Grace took a deep breath and muttered to her husband, Steve, “The fascist is here.”

“Be kind, Grace,” Steve soothed. “Gary was a war hero.”

Popping his head into the kitchen, Gary asked loudly, “Please tell me you didn’t make a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, vegan meal, did you?”

“I would have,” Grace muttered under her breath, “If that would have made this holiday Gary-free.”

The petty jabs and snide comments continued until the last guest left the home.

Lying in bed that night, Grace’s mind replayed the day. Why does this happen every time Gary and I get in the same room? She asked in the darkness. By the end of dinner, Grace had felt physically exhausted, with her opinions unchanged and her feelings hurt. Why does this keep happening? Is it me? Is it Gary?

You Are Not Alone

Nobel Prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman famously claimed that we each experience about 20,000 moments in a waking day, most lasting only a few seconds (Rath and Clifton 2020). We have all experienced moments at home and work when we knew immediately that we missed a chance to say things we wish we had. Or perhaps more troubling, we say things that later make us cringe.

These moments are typically wrapped into larger situations, ones where we knowingly repeat the same mistakes over and over again, unaware of other options available to us.

If you have had regrets, there is likely nothing wrong with your DNA or intelligence. Nor were your parents or society remiss for not teaching you manners and social skills. As evidence, the authors offer this simple question, “Don’t you Get It Right most of the time?” Of course, you do. It just does not feel that way.

Almost all of the memorable moments you can recall at the end of each day could be put in one of two buckets: positive or negative.

Of the two buckets, guess which ones you are most likely to recall? Psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson explains that our minds are “like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones,” meaning that you will always find it easier to recall negative events—like the times you said the wrong things or thought of the right things too late—than positive events or the many times you got it right. The term for our human tendency to let negative events stick and positive events to get forgotten is called a negativity bias (Hanson 2016).

If you are like most people, your habits serve you well 90 percent of the time, but it is the 10 percent that keeps you awake at night. And, thanks to the wiring of your brain, you likely recall your failures much more readily than your victories.

Knowledge Is Not Enough

For more than four decades, we have led thousands of leaders and professionals interested in growth through the most cutting-edge, rigorous, accurate personality assessments ever created, teaching them how to better understand themselves and others. We have also shown leaders how they were perceived by others, giving them one-on-one coaching and feedback from their peers, direct reports, managers, and key stakeholders. In the classroom, we have shared the latest leadership research to maximize effective behaviors and minimize nonproductive ones.

Those attending our training sessions had several things in common. Most of them possessed:

• Intelligence. Think physicians, nurses, scientists, researchers, project managers, chief executive officers (CEOs), chief information officers (CIOs), chief human resource officers (CHROs), leaders of federal agencies, and even a few actual rocket scientists. In tough financial times, the first thing most companies cut is employee training. But organizations always manage to fund learning for their top leaders and performers.

• Solid understanding of their own personalities and preferences. They also obtained a deep understanding of the impact of their actions and behaviors on those they led.

• Great intentions. They wanted to do the right thing for the business and by others.

• A willingness and eagerness. They wanted to put what they learned to immediate use.

Sadly, many of them had one more thing in common: once outside of the classroom, most got caught up in the speed and complexity of their respective roles and reverted to their old ways of doing things!

People can and do learn skills and acquire knowledge. They gain self-awareness about their strengths and weaknesses, styles, and preferences—to a point. People usually do not fail because they lack intelligence, time-on-job, knowledge of the right people, personality type, genetic makeup, communication style, problem-solvin...