chapter one
To Noelle. My girl. My best friend.
Here it is. A letter from past me, to future you. God, itās so strange writing this, knowing fifteen years from now, youāre actually going to be reading these words. The Future Noelle Butterby! I wonder where youāll be, and who youāll end up becoming. I suppose thatās what this is forāto write down our predictions and hopes for each other. (And youād better have put Leo DiCaprio in my letter, Elle, and not just a date and a measly kiss goodnight either. Iām talking sweaty car scene in Titanic, with added Boyz II Men songs and less iceberg-related deaths, obviously.)
Now. On to my hopes for you, Future Noelle, and I have plenty.
Firstly, I hope youāre so busy that you almost forget to come tonightāto be there when they take the time capsule out of the ground. I hope you arrive straight off a plane from⦠LA, maybe? Indonesia? Oh! What about Queensland, land of hot scuba diving instructors? Well. Wherever it is, all I know is youāll be so well-traveled that your kids will be named after cool, faraway villages nobodyās heard of and youāll be the sort to slip into French mid-conversation āby accident.ā
Secondly, I hope your life is full of love. Yeah, yeah, I know, classic clichĆ©, classic me, but I do. Bursting with it! Butterflies, goose bumps, canāt-eat, make-you-puke love. Iād mention your soul mateāthe one on the other end of your red threadābut I donāt want to make your eyes roll so much they get stuck in the back of your head, because you want to be able to look at the man. Because heāll be totally hot. A charmer too. And so tall, heāll give you a neck ache. Maybe heāll even have to shop for special shoes because his feet will be that big. Only the best for you, my friend. Just wait and see.
I hope you find that job that doesnāt feel like work.
I hope you eventually nail the pizza dough recipe we screw up every single weekend.
I hope you ride that hot-air balloon, that you spend a summer night sleeping outside somewhere under the stars (no tents). I hope you take that all-night sleeper train. But mostly, I hope youāre happy, Noelle Butterby. That by now, you see what I seeāall that power and kindness and lightāand youāve let it rip from inside you. Shown the world that you are here.
And lastly (because the size of the paper and envelope theyāve given us is so small, itās an actual joke), I hope wherever we are, weāll keep on talking to each other, no matter what. And remember, at least when we canāt be together, we just have to close our eyes and pretend.
Love you, Noelle.
Always,
Daisy x
Iām not exactly sure where I thought Iād be at this moment in time. If youād asked me fifteen years ago, said, āSo, Noelle, where do you think youāll be on March the ninth, fifteen years from now?ā Iām sure Iād have probably said something like, āhappy, settled down,ā or ālike something out of those Park Christmas catalog adverts, I expect. You know. Nice house, smiling sweater-wearing husband, one of those posh corner sofas.ā One thing is certain, though, I wouldnāt have expected this. Me, alone, stranded in my car at a standstill on a snowy motorway, my phone dead, tears removing my makeup quicker than any fancy product ever could. And my heart, breaking just a little. A bit of a mess, really. Of all the things I mightāve expected tonight, being a mess certainly wasnāt one of them. Not even close.
I mightāve known this evening was set to be a disasterāāgo to shitā as my brother, Dilly, would say. The unexpected slow-drifting snow, and in March of all months, the painful, stop-start traffic, the phone charger port in my ancient car dying again, arriving over a half hour late despite leaving home right on time and having, for once in my entire life, planned the journey bloody meticulously. Someone a little more superstitious might say they were all tiny warning signs or somethingāhints of things to come. Desperate little waves from the universe to āturn back now, Noelle!ā and āHalt! I know you think itās only right that you go tonight, and I know itās been fifteen years, but trust us when we say itāll be shower-of-arrows levels of deflating and youāre far better off turning around now and spending two daysā wages in that little drive-through Krispy Kreme and eating several dozen all the way home.ā But despite myself, I was optimistic. Totally sick with a belly full of nervous eels, yes, of course, but I was hopeful. Even a little excited. To see my old college againāthe place we spent two whole years, before we all turned eighteen and went off out into the world. Iād see old classmates grown up, old classrooms, the cafeteria in which we ate greasy chips and countless rubbery baked potatoes. Iād finally get to read the letter Daisy wrote to me before she died, too, and collect her camera; her final gorgeous moments captured safely on the film inside. Plus, I might see Ed again. Weād talk. Maybe even get a drink together, talk about where we went wrongāwhere we went to shit.
Snow flurries faster against the windshield of my car now, like an upturned snow globe. We havenāt moved for ages. Iām not sure how long itās been exactly, but itās been long enough to send a text to Mum to tell her Iām stuck in traffic before my phone died in my hand, and long enough to read Daisyās letter under the lemon-syrup glow of my carās interior light. Thereās been plenty of time to cry, too, and so much so Iāve had to blow my nose on the neon-green microfiber cloth we keep in the glove box to demist the windows, hoping no other drivers witnessed it. It was seeing Daisyās handwriting that did itāthe tiny Cs for the dots on the Is like new moonsāand hearing her lively, smiling, almost musical voice in my head as I read. The little jokes. The mention of the red threadāa quote sheād read in a book and talked dreamily about for weeks. And seeing it all in black and white: everything I havenāt done.
Behind me, a driver beeps their horn pointlessly, causing someone else to do the same. As if itāll help, as if itāll even have the slightest influence on the lines and lines of bumper-to-bumper traffic. A hot surge of panic bubbles up inside me. I swallow it down.
Surely weāll be moving again soon. There must be hundreds of us here on the dual highwayāthousands even, all with homes and places and people to get to. They wonāt leave us here for long before clearing or sorting whateverās causing this, will they? The taillights of the car in front of me go out, as if answering, āYes. Yes, they will, actually, Noelle,ā and again, like fizz in the neck of a bottle, the panic rises in my chest. I turn up the radio.
The camera wasnāt there. Thatās something that hasnāt helped with the tears situation, either, the fact that Daisyās camera full of twenty-four undeveloped photos wasnāt there in the time capsule. And granted, lots of things werenāt there tonight, including half of the attendees whoād sent in their RSVPs for the reunion, the photographer from the local paper, and the barbecue and beer tents the college had advertised. The snow and traffic had thwarted everything. But I know Daisy had put her camera in her plastic envelope along with her letter before it was buried all those years ago, and Iād known just from the weight of it when they handed it to me tonight, that it wasnāt inside.
āIām afraid we havenāt unburied everything, because of the weather,ā the new head of history said, sleeves rolled up, her cheeks a flustered cranberry red. āA lot of envelopes are in this time capsule, but the rest are in the other one, which is still in the ground and will be until we reschedule the reunion, unfortunately.ā The hall behind me echoed and chattered with disappointed ex-students catching up with old friends with plastic cups of cheap wine, condensing lifetimes into ten-minute anecdotes, flapping about the weather, about canceled trains, about what a shame it was that the night had been ruined by snow.
āI know. Itās justāthe camera was in here,ā I said. āInside this envelope.ā
āI see,ā the woman said. āAs I said, it could be in the other vessel.ā She handed me a pen and clipboard then. āIf you leave your details here, weāll let you know when we reschedule the event. And if we find anything.ā And that was itāa scribble squashed on the bottom of a wonky register of names, before someone in a high-vis jacket pushed to the front to say they were going to close the doors in ten minutes. And it was then, turning away, heart sagging, my letter and Daisyās envelope in my hand, that I saw Ed. Twenty-six and a half months since we broke upāsince he got on that plane to America and flew almost five thousand miles away from meāthere he was. Mere meters away in the college lobby, among bewildered ex-students and chattering voices, golden-skinned and bright-eyed and fresh in that intangible way people are after coming home again. New experiences and new places written all over them, a sheen on their skin. And he saw me immediately. Our eyes stuck like glue. And⦠nothing. Not a nod. Not even a tiny, awkward smileājust a frozen, icy moment before he turned and the automatic doors swallowed him up. Twelve years of memories together, of Sunday roasts and Christmases and mini breaks and watching me bleach my stomach hairs, and I wasnāt even worth a smile youād toss a stranger in a supermarket, apparently. God. Beyond depressing. Doughnuts. I shouldāve chosen the bloody doughnuts.
Snow relentlessly tumbles outside, and as if synchronized, the sea of orange brake lights illuminating the slushy road ahead starts to go out one by one, like blown flames. Drivers giving up, engines killed.
āA tune now,ā says the DJ on the radio, āto warm us all up. And what a swizz we can never have this at Christmas, eh, because it really is coming down out there.ā
And heās right. It is. Snow. Proper bloody thick, settling snow. And there is my phone, dead beside me, a black mirror on the passenger seat. No way of being able to pass the time scrolling on Instagram or Twitter, or replying to my friend Charlieās text about Ed (āthe man is a colossal prick, Noelle. A spineless little dweebā), no way of dissecting it like two cut-price detectives, the whole non-exchange. And of course, no way of calling Mumācalling anyone for that matter. I try the charger cord again. Of course nothing happens.
I let out a pointless āShiiiiiiiiiit!ā and cover my damp, hot face with my hands. A Harry Styles song plays on the radioāsomething about strawberries on a summer eveningāand I could laugh at the irony of it, the temperature gauge at minus-five staring brazenly back at me, cars bumper-to-bumper on the road ahead, iced like buns. I canāt be stuck here. I canāt. Mum. What will I do about Mum if Iām stuck here for longer than an hour or two?
It takes twenty tense minutes for the traffic sign ahead to light up its cheery Broadway letters to spell M4 CLOSED. MAJOR DELAYS, two minutes for the tears to start again (and for the demisting cloth to enter stage right again), and another five minutes before thereās a rap of knuckles on my passenger window.
chapter two
Uh, hi. DoāDo you need any help?ā
I stare at the man through the tiny crack in the passenger window: serious brown eyes, jet-black lashes, squinting as thick snowflakes fall.
āUm. IāI wasā¦ā My voice is thick, as if there are balled socks in my throat. āI was trying toāā
āItās just I saw you with the phone,ā he cuts in. He motions, waving his arm in the air in a deranged sort of way, before pushing his hand back into his coat pocket.
āOh. I see.ā Brilliant. Just as I feared; other drivers did see my in-car meltdown. The tears, the swearing at nobody, the bloody microfiber cloth the color of raversā hot pants. āI had no signal,ā I say, clearing my throat, sitting straighter as if to prove I am very stable indeed. āAnd now I have no battery. I was trying to get through to my mum.ā I hold up my lifeless phone. āI did manage to send a text before it died. Luckily.ā
The man glances to his side at the road ahead, then back at me through the glass. āOK, wellāif you need to borrow a phone or a charger cordāI guess, just shout.ā Heās American, this stranger. Very American. My brother, Dilly, would probably be able to correctly guess which state heās from after hearing just a few words from his mouth. Dilly is obsessed with all things America. The food, the movies, the funky little mailboxes, and how everyone eats cobbler (his words, not mine). He once even dated a man from Boston and spoke for a week in an American accent so obscure, that Ian next door sat us down and asked us very gently if he thought it was possibleāand donāt be alarmedāthat Dilly mightāve suffered an allergic reaction.
āAh, thanks. But itās not the charger,ā I tell the American. āItās the port. The actual, ermāplug socket?ā
āAh.ā
āIdiot brother broke it. Connecting up a laptop. Two days he was home for, borrowed the car, and that was it. Desperately needed to mix a demo, apparently. He only went out for tomato puree.ā
āRight.ā
āItās a super old car,ā I waffle on, as if this poor bloke cares, but Iām flustered, and short answers or silences beg for it, with me. I canāt help but want to fill up the space with words. Plus, heāsāwell, thereās no arguing with science and nature. Heās really quite attractive, this man. Like⦠very. āThe heater gets stuck on cold,ā I drone on. āAnd sometimes the car even locks us in and point-blank refuses to let us out again.ā
āI seeā is all he says, but I see a tiny twitch of a smile through the misty glass as if he somehow knows the heater is only broken because I spilled a can of Tizer on the dial. āWell, if you need to charge it, Iāmāāhe throws a glance over his shoulder to a parked black car beside mine, the interior light on inside, the door slightly ajarāājust there.ā
āOh.ā I nod. āOK. Thank you. But Iām sure weāll be moving again in a few minutes.ā
āOptimistic,ā he says, as if to himself.
āYes. Well, I hope.ā And I doāI have to. Because Mum isnāt used to being home alone without me, and if I think too hard about it, about being stuck here, and ab...