Sexual Abuse

Beauty for Ashes

Robert W. Kellemen

• Publisher: P Publishing
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9781596384194
• eBook ISBN: 9781596386211
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Ministry

Sexual abuse causes unimaginable damage, but often we ignore it. Bob Kellemen uses the story of Tamar to journey into and back out of the pain of abuse, moving sufferers from victimhood to victory.

The Journey Out: The Pathway to God’s
Healing Hope

To summarize that journey, I’ll use a biblical approach to Christian care that has been developed throughout two thousand years of church history.8

• Sustaining: It’s Normal to Hurt

• Healing: It’s Possible to Hope

• Reconciling: It’s Horrible to Sin, but Wonderful to Be Forgiven

• Guiding: It’s Supernatural to Mature

We’ll take this general “map” of historic Christian care and apply it specifically to healing from the four primary areas of damage caused by sexual abuse.

1. Journey One: Sustaining Faith—Preserving Trust in the Midst of Doubt

2. Journey Two: Healing Hope—Clinging to the Goodness of God in the Midst of the Badness of Life

3. Journey Three: Reconciling Peace—Receiving Christ’s Grace in the Midst of Our Disgrace

4. Journey Four: Guiding Love—Offering Beauty in the Midst of Ashes

As we explore these four aspects of the healing journey, we’ll use my biblical counseling with Ashley as an example. In this way we can illustrate the application of biblical principles both for the victim of abuse and for the person helping the abuse victim.

Journey One: Sustaining Faith—Preserving Trust in the Midst of Doubt (2 Sam. 13:19–21)

Recall what Nate said to me right after Ashley shared her story with me. “Pastor Bob, can you help? Does the Bible offer any hope for my wife?” How would you be tempted to respond at this point? That’s right: with answers—a litany of biblical verses and scriptural principles. Certainly there is a time for interactions that involve scriptural exploration and spiritual conversations. But what does Ashley need now? To answer that important question, let’s consider how not to sustain faith and how to sustain faith when a person is battling doubts.

How Not to Sustain Faith in the Midst of Doubt. First, we need to be sure that we don’t victimize the victim with more voicelessness. Listen again to Tamar’s story. “Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornamented robe she was wearing. She put her hand on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went. Her brother Absalom said to her, ‘Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother’ ” (13:19–20).

Here is a classic lesson in how not to provide soul care. Absalom says, “Be quiet, hold your peace.” He’s literally telling Tamar to ignore it, to dismiss it, to take no notice of it, and to not talk about it! Unfortunately, this whole text is filled with men who will not listen to Tamar. Amnon refuses to listen to her. Absalom won’t listen to her. David, her own father, doesn’t listen to her—he’s furious but inattentive (13:21).

One of the temptations we have as Bible-believing Christians is to race in and tell God’s story before we’ve taken the time to listen to our suffering friend’s story. We earn the right to interact about God’s eternal story by first listening to our friend’s earthly story.

Second, we need to be sure we don’t victimize the victim by encouraging more denial. Absalom also tells Tamar, “Don’t take this thing to heart” (13:20). This thing? He can’t even name it! The inspired author named it—rape! Don’t take it to heart ? Where else would she take it? As if the core of Tamar’s being can dismiss such degrading abuse. First Absalom says, “Hold your peace. Don’t say a word.” Then he follows up with, “Stuff it!” Of course, he’s not stuffing it. He’s plotting revenge—murder!

I was moved to tears when Nate humbly and sincerely confessed to Ashley the subtle and not-so-subtle ways he communicated to her, “Be voiceless; remain in denial.” While he had not said these phrases, Nate realized that he had communicated things like, “Time heals all wounds.” “The past is the past.” “Get on with life.” “Leave well enough alone.” “Don’t mess with and pick at the scab, just cope with it.”

How to Sustain Faith in the Midst of Doubt. Together, Nate and I began to listen, really listen, to Ashley’s soul. We entered the battle for her soul; we entered the black hole of her soul with her. We did so first through compassionate listening. This was also what Tamar was silently screaming for. By putting ashes on her head and weeping aloud, Tamar was doing exactly what a healthy Israelite was supposed to do when they were violated. She was publicly lamenting. The word used for “crying” means to cry aloud from great sorrow while imploring others to help. But no one listened.

Nate was committed to ensuring that Ashley would not be left alone—isolated and desolate—the way Tamar was. He chose to give her back her voice. Together Nate and I listened not just for information, but for identification (Rom. 12:15; 2 Cor. 1:3–7). We engaged in incarnational listening (Heb. 2:14–18; 4:14–16). We listened to her words, her tears, her actions, and her emotions. We listened to Ashley’s fears, depression, and people-pleasing perfectionism.

Several weeks into our counseling, Ashley described the impact this was having on her. “I really wondered if I could ever open up to anyone about this. I wondered if I could ever trust anyone again—to be safe . . .” Then she stopped talking, stood up, and embraced Nate with a deeply meaningful hug of gratitude.

Ashley not only needed compassionate listening, she longed for empathetic involvement. Tamar desperately needed the same. She received it only from the inspired narrator, who tells us that after Absalom’s “counsel,” “Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman” (13:20). This same word desolate is used in Lamentations 1:16 and 3:11 for those who are destroyed by their enemies and those who are torn to pieces by animals.

As Nate listened to Ashley share her soul about her loss of faith, hope, peace, and love, he wept with his wife. As he entered her soul and saw her heart bolted shut, her dreams dashed, her eyes downcast, and her robes torn, Nate was angry on behalf of his wife. Through Nate’s empathy, Ashley was able to experience the truth that shared sorrow is endurable sorrow. No, it doesn’t magically erase the agony, but it does supernaturally draw a line in the sand of denial and retreat. Through Nate’s empathy, Ashley was also given permission to grieve. He communicated that it is normal to hurt—to ache. He wept for his wife so that she was freed to weep for herself.

Nate and I engaged with Ashley in a third relational connection—we helped to stretch her back to God. Ponder the relational process so far. By listening, we helped Ashley to embrace her loss. Through empathy, we embraced Ashley in her loss. Now, through stretching Ashley to God, we helped her to embrace God and be embraced by God in her loss.

Isn’t that exactly what is needed if the damage of sexual abuse begins with a loss of trust? Consider Tamar again. Have you noticed what is missing in 2 Samuel? God is missing. He’s missing from the lips of Amnon, Jonadab, David, and Absalom. No male in this text is consciously living coram Deo. No one is helping Tamar to live face-to-face with God in her suffering. No one is helping her to face her pain and her doubts, to explore her feelings about God and God’s compassion for her.

David—a man after God’s own heart, who penned so many coram Deo lament psalms—could have mentored his daughter in the composition of songs and psalms of lament. Lament psalms enable the suffering to face the reality that life is bad—evil, ho...

Table of contents

• Introduction
• Grace for Our Disgrace
• God’s Central Message to You
• Understanding the Damage Done by Sexual Abuse: 2 Samuel 13
• Our Journey In: Compass Points of the Soul
• Painting Portraits of the Damage Done
• From Victim to Victor in Christ: Beauty for Ashes
• The Journey Out: The Pathway to God’s Healing Hope
• Keep Clinging to Christ
• More Help for Victims of Abuse from P&R Publishing
• RESOURCES FOR CHANGING LIVES SERIES FROM P&R
• MORE COUNSELING RESOURCES FROM P&R