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The Waiting Room
I don’t know why I feel the way I do
Why the future seems so scary
Why my heart races the moment I wake up
And my whole life flashes before me
I can’t do this
I really can’t do this
I can’t face another day, another minute here
Breathe slow
I reassure my racing heart I can do this
I can do this
Sometimes I seek comfort in my bedroom
Watch back to back episodes on Youtube and Netflix
Read a book or two
Order in a takeaway
Sleep then sleep some more
Stacks of plates begin to pile up beside me
Dirty laundry spreads on the floor like a carpet
Vivid dreams
Palpitations
Sweaty palms
Short breaths
Dr said talking about it will help
Until then try out these pills
The only person I am talking to is myself
Agitated
Waiting for my name to make it on top of a waiting list
Tried the pills but was sick of the numbness
Night and day have merged into one
Have I showered?
Maybe yesterday
Maybe not in days
I lost count
I need to escape this
Looking forward to a fresh start
I jot down plans
List friends I can’t wait to catch up with
Maybe I will go shopping
Switch up my style
Get my nails done
Buy some new perfume
Find love
Settle down
Have some kids
Who knows
I’m healing and embrace what’s to come
Without warning
The novelty wears out
Triggered
I can’t do this
I let my mind trick me into a false sense of security
The more I travel
The heavier the baggage gets
The anxiety I left behind keeps following me
Like a thief
Constantly stealing my hopes
Leaving me at the mercy of fear
My ribs tighten
Body assembles
Chooses fight over fight to fight of the danger my mind
has presented
I have accepted that help will never come in the form of
human contact
I’m screaming WHY GOD WHY?
I didn’t do anything to deserve this
When will I be free to live my life?
I can’t do this
I really can’t do this
I drag my suitcase back to my bedroom
Convinced it’s my only place of sanctuary
Only to repeat the cycle again
I don’t know why I feel the way I do
Why the future seems so scary.
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Traffic Lights
When the heart dries out
The tears stop beating
You collect pieces of yourself
And glue them together with emptiness
Eyes fixed blankly at a future that you had believed in
You question the reason for your existence
Because now you think you’re incapable of achieving anything
The dishes have not been made
And the bed has not been washed
Time ticks between your thoughts to awaken your consciousness
Outside the traffic lights are still functioning
Amber
Green
But you’re stuck on red.
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Lockdown
Everything feels so surreal right now
Our new norm is social distancing
Disconnecting from connections we have worked so hard
to build over the years
Job redundancies
And uncertainties
Self-isolating in houses some of us never spent ...
