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1 CONFRONTING MYTHS ABOUT SEXUALITY AND AGING
Aging and sexuality are two socially taboo topics surrounded by myths and silence. People believe âcommon senseâ ideas even when they have no scientific support or there is evidence that they are false. How much do you really know about sexuality and aging? We ask you to take the following true/false testâdonât worry about performance anxiety, your answers will not be graded.
1.Few couples have intercourse after age 60.
2.Women are glad when their husbands agree to stop sex.
3.Menopause destroys female desire and orgasmic response.
4.The choice to stop sex is usually mutual.
5.Viagra or Cialis ensure reliable erections into your 70s.
6.Adult children urge their parents to stay sexually active.
7.The more educated the couple, the easier to accept the cessation of sex.
8.When couples stop intercourse they increase manual and oral sex as a substitute.
9.Sexual satisfaction dramatically decreases after age 60.
10.Intercourse is a necessary activity to prove sexual desire.
11.The key for male desire is a spontaneous erection.
12.Gay men stop being sexual because they canât have an erection sufficient for anal intercourse.
13.Lesbian women are affectionate, not sexual, after age 60.
14.Rates of sexual crimes, especially voyeurism, increase with aging.
15.Aging men are more likely to sexually abuse children than are adolescent or young adult men.
16.Porn use increases after age 70.
17.With decreased lubrication, painful intercourse occurs with almost all women after age 60.
18.Viagra, Cialis, or penile injections are the best way to ensure predictable erections with aging.
19.âResponsive sexual desireâ only applies to women, not men.
20.Grandparents are very judgmental about the sexuality of their adult children and grandchildren.
21.Religious older couples have less sex than non-religious couples.
22.Older single men have lots of sex partners, but older single women have few sexual options.
23.Masturbation is a sign of poor mental health.
24.Using erotic fantasies or materials indicates sexual compulsivity.
25.Sex is not important for older couples.
Count the number of trues you listed. This was a sex and aging myth test. All items are false.
Old myths are based on sexual ignorance and repressive beliefs. New myths are based on sex performance demands and erotic perfectionism. Myths die hardâthey have a life of their own. Myths are difficult to confront and change. Knowledge is power. This is particularly true regarding sexuality and aging.
We have been looking forward to writing this book for years. We are enthusiastic about sharing the good newsânot only can you continue to be sexual in your 60s, 70s, and 80s, but enjoying pleasure-oriented sexuality is good for your psychological, physical, and relational well-being (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2019). The role of sexuality is to energize your bond and reinforce feelings of desire and desirability. Sexuality has a small, integral 15â20% role in individual and couple well-being. Enjoying pleasure and sexuality enhances your life and relationship. Sadly, when you stop being sexual it has an inordinately powerful negative impact, draining intimacy and demoralizing you.
Contrary to âcommon senseâ beliefs, when aging couples stop being sexual it is almost always the manâs choice because he has lost confidence with erections and intercourse (Lindau et al., 2007). He says to himself, âI donât want to start something I canât finishâ. This is a unilateral choice which is conveyed non-verbally. Being non-sexual is a loss for the man, woman, and couple. This is true even for women and couples who experience low desire and sex dysfunction. You not only stop intercourse, but also stop sensual, playful, and erotic touching. Sadly, many couples also cease affectionate touch. The paradox is that sex dysfunction, conflict, and avoidance have a more negative impact than the role of healthy sexuality. This is particularly true for men. Stopping sexual expression is harmful for your psychological and physical well-being. You become the stereotypical âgrumpy old manâ who is negative about a range of topics including relationships and sexuality. Men who stop being sexual are prone to depression and alcohol abuse. You become isolated, frustrated, and alienated.
In examining sex myths, it is important to not only confront these mistaken beliefs, but to establish scientifically validated information which is personally relevant and promotes psychological, relational, and sexual well-being. Let us explore each myth and examine healthy understandings. Remember, respect individual, couple, cultural, and value differences. Sexually, one size never fits all. Sexual knowledge promotes well-being.
1.The good news is that the majority of couples are sexual at age 60, including enjoying intercourse. The bad news is that about one in three couples stop being sexual by age 65 and two in three by age 75. You can be sexual in your 60s, 70s, and 80s, but it means transitioning to a variable, flexible couple sexuality rather than defining sex as an individual passâfail intercourse performance test. A key is defining sexuality to include sensual, playful, and erotic scenarios in addition to intercourse. The empowering strategy for couple sexuality with aging is to adopt the GES model (Metz & McCarthy, 2012). The core of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching and developing positive, realistic sexual expectations. About 85% of sexual encounters will flow to intercourse. When it doesnât flow, rather than panicking or apologizing, transition to an erotic or sensual scenario. GES has a range of roles, meanings, and outcomes that promote variable, flexible couple sexuality.
2.It is men who choose to end sex because you have lost confidence with erections and intercourse. You do this unilaterally and convey it non-verbally. This is a self-defeating choice for the man, woman, and couple. Not only do you stop intercourse, but also sensual, playful, and erotic touching. Ceasing sexuality is demoralizing for you and robs your relationship of intimacy and vitality. The âwiseâ decision is to be aware that sexuality involves sensual, playful, and erotic scenarios in addition to intercourse. Turn toward each other as intimate and erotic friends, do not turn away and avoid the spouse when sex is not functional. Embrace GES, focus on sharing pleasure, and accept variable, flexible sexuality. Women, including those with low desire, non-orgasmic response, or sexual pain, miss intimacy and touching. Few older couples divorce, but you mourn the loss of physical and emotional attachment.
3.Women experience menopause in their early 50s, although some experience peri-menopause symptoms in their mid-30s and others not until their late 50s. Hormonal and lubrication changes do not stop sexual desire (the core sexual dimension). Attitudes and reactions to menopause illustrate the importance of utilizing the psychobiosocial approach to sexuality. You can enjoy your body more after menopause. A key factor is accepting use of additional vaginal lubrication. Build sexual receptivity and responsivity before transitioning to intercourse. Understanding and accepting your body with aging is crucial. Rather than being fearful or controlled by anti-sex beliefs, a key to menopause is accepting the transition and using all your psychological, biomedical, and relational resources to maintain sexual integrity (Ghazzani, 2020). A strategy many women use is to initiate and guide intromission at high levels of subjective arousal. Utilize intercourse positions and types of thrusting which facilitate arousal rather than the traditional man-on-top position with short, rapid thrusting. Feel accepted as a sexual woman before, during, and after menopause.
4.The âpolitically correctâ belief is that stopping sex is mutual. However, in over 90% of cases the choice to stop is the manâs. This shocks both the public and professionals. It is the opposite of the maleâfemale double standard. The man doesnât want to stop sex. You stop because you have lost confidence with erections and intercourse. You canât live up to the demands of perfect sex performance. You are trapped in the cycle of anticipatory anxiety, performance anxiety, frustration, embarrassment, and eventually sexual avoidance. You believe the myth that intercourse is the only acceptable type of sex. You say to yourself, âI donât want to start something I canât finishâ. You blame the woman which is particularly unfair and alienating. The solution is to have a genuine dialogue which confronts the âintercourse or nothingâ model. Embracing GES with a focus on sharing pleasure is the healthiest strategy. Especially important is enjoying sensual and erotic scenarios. Do not panic or apologize. Whether the erotic scenario is mutual and synchronous or asynchronous (positive, but better for one partner than the other), it allows you to end the experience in a positive manner.
5.You hope that a stand-alone medical intervention will deliver the results shown on tv adsâtotally predictable erections. Viagra or Cialis can be a resource in rebuilding sexual confidence. What pro-erection medications cannot do is be a stand-alone intervention which returns you to the easy, predictable erections of your 20s. You feel you are the only man who has failed with Viagra. In truth, almost all men fail to get 100% predictable erections. The most important factor is to turn toward the partner as your intimate and erotic ally rather than expect the medication to do it all. Even among men who respond well to Viagra or Cialis, very few achieve 100% reliable erections. Be an intimate sexual team, do not expect a medication to do it all (Althof, 2006). Be sexually present. Most important, adopt the GES model which emphasizes variable, flexible couple sexuality and positive, realistic expectations (65â85% of encounters flow to intercourse).
6.Only one in four adult children believe their parents are sexually active and only one in 13 believe their grandparents are still sexual. It is unlikely that you will receive family support for sexuality and aging. Nor are you likely to receive encouragement from the culture or friends. Adopt a pro-sexual stance and approach your spouse as your intimate and erotic friend. Commit to âbeating the oddsâ and enjoy pleasure-oriented sexuality with aging.
7.The more educated the couple the more likely you will stay sexually involved and feel sexually satisfied. Knowledge is power. The more you understand and accept the psychobiosocial approach to sexuality and aging the better. Itâs especially important to establish positive, realistic sexual expectations.
8.Intercourse is an integral part of sexuality and aging, but not intercourse as an individual passâfail performance test. When couples stop intercourse, they usually stop manual and oral sexuality. It becomes âintercourse or nothingâ with the result being nothing. GES advocates for sensual, playful, and erotic scenarios as integral to your sexuality. Manual and oral sexuality are healthy expressions of eroticism. Value this for itself, not as a substitute for intercourse. Manual and oral sexuality are more satisfying when subjective arousal is at least a 6 (on a 10-point scale). When arousal is low, using oral sex as a desperate attempt to service your partner feels anti-erotic. Oral and manual sexuality can be synchronous or asynchronous.
9.Sexual satisfaction increases with aging, especially for couples who emphasize sharing pleasure and accept GES. Satisfaction involves feeling good about yourself as a sexual person and feeling energized as a sexual couple. Satisfaction involves orgasm, but is much more than orgasm. A key for satisfaction is acceptance of the sexual experience whether it was wonderful, good, okay, or dysfunctional. Turn toward your partner as your intimate friend. No blaming or apologizing. By its nature, sexuality and aging is variable and flexible with a range of roles, meanings, and outcomes.
10.Desire is not measured by intercourse frequency. The essence of desire is sexual anticipation, sense of deserving pleasure, freedom and choice, and a range of sexual scenarios and techniques. If every sexual experience had to involve high desire ending in intercourse, this demand would eventually subvert your desire. Desire is facilitated by openness and willingness to engage sexually. Desire is subverted by the demand for goal-oriented intercourse.
11.For adolescent and young adult men the sign of sexual desire is easy, spontaneous erections. The key for men over 60 is âresponsive sexual desireâ. Typically, you begin at neutral (0) arousal. As you engage in giving and receiving affectionate, sensual, and playful touching your subjective arousal is 2â4. You experience subjective arousal first and then feel sexual desire. Your desire promotes your partnerâs desire and her desire promotes couple desire. Desire is a response to emotional openness and physical pleasure rather than expecting a spontaneous erection or high levels of eroticism.
12.Gay couples are sexual in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Although anal intercourse remains a favorite form of sexual expression for many gay couples, others switch to manual, oral, or rubbing stimulation. In the past, older gay men felt stigmatized and not desirable or attractive. In gay sexuality, there is a growing recognition of the importance of integrating intimacy, pleasuring, and eroticism. It is crucial to confront the myths and prejudices against older gay sexâmany of which, sadly, are shared in the gay community. Self-acceptance is crucial. Take pride in celebrating gay sexuality with aging.
13.The prejudice against older lesbian women is rampant, including in the lesbian community. The challenge with lesbian couples is to integrate eroticism into your couple sexual style. Lesbian couples value desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction in your 60s, 70s, and 80s. Aging lesbian couples enjoy vital and satisfying sexuality.
14.One of the most destructive myths is that older men engage in sex crimes. The reality is the opposite. Most sex crimes are committed b...
