The Motherhood Project

Monologues and Reflections on Motherhood

Various

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9781788503839
• Topic: Literatur
• Subtopic: Britisches Drama

Mothers who are blissed out. Mothers who are pissed off. Mothers who are great, or grateful, or grating. Mothers who have changed, mothers who can't, mothers who can't even change nappies. Women who aren't mothers. Welcome to the 'hood.

The Motherhood Project draws together dramatic monologues and real-life reflections by some of the UK's leading writers, artists and thinkers, and explores all the guilt, joy and absurdity, the regrets, pressures and taboos surrounding motherhood.

The project features work by Kalhan Barath, E. V. Crowe, Juno Dawson, Suhayla El-Bushra, Jodi Gray, Hannah Khalil, Katherine Kotz, Morgan Lloyd Malcolm, Siggi Mwasote, Irenosen Okojie, Anya Reiss, Naomi Sheldon, Lemn Sissay MBE, Athena Stevens and Joelle Taylor.

It was produced online in 2021 by Katherine Kotz in association with Drift Studio, and presented in association with Battersea Arts Centre, London.

NUMBER 1

E.V. Crowe

Performed by Landry Adelard

Directed by Tim Hoare

Director of Photography Crusoe Weston

Editor Ali White

Sound Technician Tom Anderson

Camera Assistant Rory Ronnie

Thanks to Ollie Dahmen

1.

Come in sit down.

He’s fucking my mum.

Oh my gosh.

Come in sit down.

Who do you want?

Put your pen down. Listen.

Who do you think you want?

(Pause.)

We think about it.

I say the one with the red case.

Good idea, nice ide-a.

He says don’t piss about in my class.

Are you pissing about?

I’m not – FUCKOFF.

2.

Bell and they come out.

Who d’you come up with?

I’m keen.

Alistair Darling?

Wha?

Or manager at a bank.

Wha?

Or trader at Canary Wharf.

Cool.

David Beckham.

–

Who we getting then?

Who then?

(‘Number 1’ by Tinchy Stryder plays.)

Star-in-the-Hood-Stryder? Oh, come on. Come on.

I was into that track for like a week, that’s old now.

And why do they think we want Tinchy to come down here give us his pearls of?

I’m taller than Tinchy.

Fuck Tinchy man.

If he’s so business, why’s he got time to come to our school. I bet he’s ‘sexting’ Miss Streatham.

Not that I don’t not want to meet him.

I am quite excited about meeting Tinchy Stryder.

Oh my gosh.

Tinchy was my suggestion. I would have suggested that.

Come on. (Hums the track.) That was a good song. Come on.

3.

Come in sit down.

He’s fucking my mum. She’s saying ‘This is my boyfriend.’

Come in sit down.

Shut the door.

I’ve had a report.

None of the girls can come in tomorrow until we’ve unblocked them.

They’re all blocked up.

It’s health and safety. That they can’t come in. Thanks to you.

The Room 7 girls won’t get to meet Tinchy Stryder. Or to learn about Personal Finance on our Personal Finance Day with Tinchy Stryder. And their books are stuck down the girls’ toilets.

You definitely won’t get to meet Mr Stryder. Tinchy says ‘more important than making money is looking after your money’. Do you know about interest rates, Tinchy rates?

I can google it, can’t I?

You’re excluded for tomorrow.

Miss Streatham wants to know why you did it.

Oh my gosh.

Look at Miss Streatham.

Because when you give a girl a job she will get pregnant. Eventually. It’s true. They do. They do. And then she’ll fuck it up. So I thought, flush their books.

Classroom 7 girls could just be on PlayStation. Or something. All day.

Don’t they deserve learning too? That’s Miss Streatham asking.

– What’s the point? Really.

Miss S looks sad face.

4.

My mum.

She can come in and talk.

About being a successful woman.

Does she have a job?

She had a job yeah. Before.

Okay.

Why your mum?

She’s a successful woman. My mum.

In what way is she a successful woman?

I don’t understand. She doesn’t have a number-one record called ‘Number 1’. She’s not Tinchy Stryder. I’m not saying my mum is Tinchy Stryder.

Oh my gosh.

She’s just like, I don’t know, you said I had to do something to say sorry. To the Classroom 7 girls.

She can talk about being successful.

Okay.

Okay. Cool.

5.

Other mums come in also.

They call it a ‘be nice to women day’. Or someshit.

A women’s day. Like for girls. Cool, cool.

Yeh-yeh-yeah.

They talk about being on the till, or being a PA for a big bank, or being a nurse. What that is like.

Where’s your mum?

(Pause.)

I don’t know.

Where’s your successful mum?

I actually don’t know.

I do know.

I don’t know actually.

Don’t be a girl about this. The school office can give her a call to remind her.

I won’t try calling. No need.

She can’t reach the phone.

I know it.

You can’t get to the phone from the radiator. No way.

Silence.

She is bike-locked to the radiator until the afternoon.

This is my boyfriend. He’s moving in.

I’m Lee. I’m moving in.

Why is she bike-locked to the radiator?

(Pause.)

Oh my gosh, I don’t know. It makes it easier?

Ask him. Lee.

Tell hi...