ONE
Smile, they say. Youāre living the dream countless girls would die for! Besides, you look so much prettier when you smile. Come on now. Softer. Sweeter. You donāt want to be an Ice Queen, do you?
āRachel! Over here!ā
āGive us a smile!ā
Cameras flash in my direction before my champagne-colored stilettos have even touched the ground. I subtly smooth down my outfitāa glittering wrap dress with a strapless sweetheart necklineāas I step onto the red carpet. Mina is close at my heels, and seven girls emerge from the limo behind us, lifting their hands in queenlike waves. Fans scream when they see us, clamoring to get closer through the wall of paparazzi.
āHow about a group shot?ā a photographer yells.
Like weāve done a thousand times before, the girls assemble for the photoāeach of us instinctively knowing where to stand so that our best features are shown off. We balance each other out, the tall girls and the shorter girls finding their spots in the formation so no one looks out of place. As we pose, the cameras start clicking in a frenzy, catching us from all angles. Thereās something about having all nine of us together that makes a certain kind of energy radiate. I once saw someone share a group photo of us on social media with the caption, This is what power looks like!! I think about that sometimes. Power. Itās such a far cry from how I felt around these girls for so long, but a lot has changed in the past five and a half years.
The girls and I take our time walking down the carpet, pausing to pose, lips glossed, hands on hips, literally sparkling like the sun in brilliant rose-gold outfits. As we reach the glass doors of the Peninsula Hotel Shanghai, I look over my shoulder and wink at a camera flashing in my direction, giving them one last dazzling grin.
Iāve come a long way from the trainee girl who used to freeze like a deer in headlights at the first sign of a flash bulb. The cameras donāt scare me anymore.
Now I own them.
Smile.
The first time a fan told me that I changed her life, I cried.
It was a year after I debuted with Girls Forever, and we were promoting our comeback single, āSweet for You.ā The music video hit fifty million views on the day it released, and the pastel bucket hats and pearl-frame sunglasses we wore in the video were sold out everywhere within a week. The fan was maybe eleven years oldāthe same age as me when I first started training with DB Entertainmentālanky and a little self-conscious, but all smiles to meet me, her eyes sparkling like the rhinestone studs on her T-shirt that spelled out my name: RACHEL KIM.
āThank you so much, Rachel,ā she said softly, holding out a homemade poster for me to sign.
āOf course!ā I smiled back, fumbling with my gold signing pen as I scribbled out my name in what would become my well-known autograph (big RāACHEāand finally a loopy L with a star on the tail).
I handed the poster back to the young girl, and a yellow-vested usher began to guide her down the line, but she called out, āWait!ā The usher rolled his eyes but allowed the girl to say her piece. She took a breath and looked at me with serious eyes. āI just moved to Seoul from Americaājust like you. Itās been hard,ā she admitted, ābut when I watch you perform and see you doing what you love, I feel less alone. Like maybe someday I can find my own way to shine. You really changed my life.ā She smiled and thanked me for my signature. āAhh!ā she squealed, looking at it again. āYou have no idea how much this means to me!ā And with that, she hugged the poster to her chest and walked away. A big fat tear rolled down my cheek as I waved goodbye, swallowing the lump in my throat. Really, it was the other way around: she had no idea what her words meant to me.
Five and a half years in, I donāt cry at the fansigns anymoreāIāve learned how to keep a pleasant smile on my face through the events, to keep my emotions in check. Even so, sometimes I still want to pinch myself because it doesnāt feel real. How did I manage to get here? To say that training wasnāt easy would be a huge understatement. It was ruthless, demanding, and made me question my life choices more than a few times. And when we finally debuted, the pressure only amplified. Intense rehearsals, back-to-back live performances, and early-morning wake-up calls for music video shoots that lasted for two days straight, all with my eight Girls Forever groupmates, who I suddenly found myself with 24/7 (which, letās be real, was a whole other kind of challenge).
But at the end of the day, itās all been worth it. There really is magic in the music, and thereās magic in meeting the people who connect to it. Being a K-pop idol means being part of something bigger than myself.
The energy from tonightās crowd was wild. Shanghai was the last stop on our multicountry Glow Asia Tour. Months of being on the road, a new city every couple of weeks. Itās been a whirlwind, and there were times when I found myself missing my own bed. But up onstage tonight, I realized just how much Iāll miss this once weāre back home in Korea. Itās January and we wonāt tour again this year until the fall, so this is our last big group performance for a while. And you could feel that in the air. We gave 110 percent tonight, and the fans gave it right back to us. Now itās time to celebrate.
I look around the Peninsula Shanghaiās ballroom. The promoters have really gone all out on this one. Brilliant teardrop-crystal chandeliers line the ceiling, shining down on the waiters in glossy tuxedos weaving through the crowd with silver trays of champagne flutes, music pulsing against the walls as people dance and mingle. Theyāve converted part of the ballroomās dance floor into a miniature roller rink. Electric pink and fluorescent yellow cocktails surf by me on glow-in-the-dark plattersāan homage to the title track off our latest album, āGlow.ā Itās a true bop, and it dominated the charts this past summer. For the party tonight, theyāve rigged a projector to display themed images from the music video against the walls: glow-in-the-dark bowling alleys; fields of fireflies; a Ferris wheel riding to the top, with the twinkling city lights spread out below like candles on a birthday cake. Honestly, itās enough to make you forget that itās the dead of winter and currently a whopping three degrees Celsius out tonight.
Just as Iām reaching for a champagne flute, a voice behind me calls out my name.
āRachel Kim!ā A wiry man with red square-rimmed glasses and a warm smile walks toward me, extending his hand for a handshake. āIām Park Hyunbae, VP of programming at SOAR Drama and Entertainment. I was hoping to run into you tonight.ā
SOAR is one of the biggest media broadcasting companies in Korea. Weāve appeared in a few of their TV programs, but DB always handles the business side of things, so Iāve never met one of their executives in person. āSo nice to meet you,ā I say, shaking his hand.
āI hope you donāt mind.ā He reaches into his pocket and sheepishly produces a pen. āMy daughter is a big fan of yours and sheād kill me if I didnāt at least ask. Could you sign this for her? Her name is Park Miyoung.ā
āIād be more than happy to.ā Even after the thousands (could it be millions?) of autographs Iāve signed over the past few years, I still have a hard time saying no.
He smiles as I hand my signed cocktail napkin back to him. āIāll be guarding this with my life tonight.ā He folds the autograph and places it in his breast pocket, patting it securely. āYou know, Rachel, Miyoungās not your only fan. My wife and I are big fans too. You have a fantastic voice.ā
Now itās my turn to smile gratefully. āThank you so much, Mr. Park.ā
āYouād be great on radio.ā He raises his eyebrows curiously. āWould you ever be interested in hosting? SOAR is launching a new radio show that focuses on one-on-one conversations with artists from all different walks of life. Youād be a great host.ā
I immediately perk up. āThat would be amazing,ā I tell him with another smile. āIf you connect with DB, Iām sure they could set up a meeting for us,ā I add with more confidence than I actually feel. But why shouldnāt DB be interested? SOARās radio shows have a huge audience, and if I can use it to promote Girls Forever while also enjoying deep, intimate conversations about the creative process, isnāt that a win-win?
āExcellent,ā Mr. Park says. āIāll be in touch!ā
We toast and then heās swept away by a group of other media folks eager to speak with him. Iām debating between checking out the dessert bar or hitting the dance floor when Mina sashays toward me, grabbing my free hand.
āThere you are!ā
Mina must have a radar system that alerts her anytime someone else is getting special praise or attentionāI had barely finished my toast with Mr. Park when suddenly she was at my side. But sheās bright and beaming, her eyes shining with the high of the music, exuding charismatic energy, the kind that makes you want to join in on whatever sheās doing. So when she says āCome on, letās dance!ā I take a quick swig of my drink and then let it melt away onto one of the many passing trays as she leads me to the dance floor, spinning me under her arm.
She looks chic in her shimmering wide-leg pantsuit, her ash-brown hair twisted away from her face in a loose, elegant updo. We dance, laughing, me following along with her moves. Sheās undeniably magnetic and even more so when she dances, totally effortless and buoyant, and all the cameras in the room have already started pointing in our direction.
For a second, I let myself believe that theyāre capturing something real, a moment of true friendship between girls who used to be enemies. Look how far weāve come, I imagine myself saying. Remember how much we used to hate each other? How about that time you drugged me at the trainee house and filmed me dancing drunk on the table? Ha! Doesnāt that feel like a lifetime ago?
But then, some things donāt change, even in a lifetime.
It took ages for the rumors about our so-called love triangle with DB Entertainmentās most popular K-pop idol, Jason Lee, to die down. In reality, the ālove triangleā was nothing but a publicity stunt pulled by DB themselves before Mina and I debuted. They wanted to boost Jasonās solo career after he left his group NEXT BOYZ, and we were the perfect promotional tools. After all, what could make the already-adored Jason Lee seem even more desirable than having two up-and-coming K-pop stars fighting for his love? Of course, Mina knew it was a setup the whole time. I was not clued in to that little piece of information until after I had already fallen in actual, real, head-over-heels love with the guy.
As for me and Mina, after our debut DB decided theyād gotten all they could out of our love-triangle feud and decided to stage a reconciliation between the two of us. We hugged and cried in a āleakedā video and swore weād never let a man come between us again. Since then, weāve had nothing but good press, and Iām determined to keep it that way.
Still. In moments like this, I canāt help but enjoy playing make-believe, pretending that the fun weāre having isnāt just for show or publicity but because we really, truly like each other.
āThat dress is so brave of you, fashionista,ā Mina shouts over the music. āLook at those cute thighs!ā
Yep. Moment shattered.
The night passes in a happy haze of dances and champagne glasses. The ballroom is filled with familiar DB faces and hosts of new people Iāve never met before, all of them eager to greet me.
āWonderful job at the concert tonight, Rachel!ā
āYour voice keeps getting lovelier and lovelier.ā
āAbsolutely phenomenal! You were born to be a star, thereās no doubt about that.ā
After hours of dancing and mingling, Iām ready to call it a night. Some of the more introverted girls of the group like Youngeun, Jiyoon, and Sunhee have already made their graceful exits to their hotel rooms, while Mina, Lizzie, and Eunji have somehow found themselves on the roller rink, squealing and laughing as they spin around in their skates, shimmering outfits fanning out like sparkling parasols. Ari and Sumin are sipping cocktails by the dessert bar and, as usual, are arguing about something or other. Being the same age and having started training at the same time, the two of them are constantly jumping back and forth between being best friends and roasting each other until one of them cries. Honestly, theyāre like a dysfunctional old married couple. Itās actually kind of adorable.
Iām dreaming of going up to my hotel room and soaking in the Jacuzzi tub. As much as I love these strappy Jimmy Choo stilettos, Iām dying to take them off and sink my toes in a bubble bath. Ahh yes. An aromatherapy soak plus a face mask sounds like the perfect way to end this tour.
Just as Iām heading out of the ballroom, I hear my name called again. I turn and spot a figure leaning up against the wall where our music video is being projected, colors and lights dancing playfully across his face.
āJason?ā I say in surprise.
His lips curl up into an impish smile, and he cocks his head to the side. āHas it been so long that you donāt recognize me?ā
Of course I recognize him, in that slick white suit and those bright-green and gold sneakers. How could I not?
After the love-triangle debacle with Mina, Jason and I had a falling-out. I just couldnāt trust him anymore. But slowly, over time, the ice between us started to thaw. A text here, a secret coffee date there. Eventually, we were able to make up and pick up where we left off. Or at least, we tried. But between Girls Foreverās launch, and his successful career as DBās hottest solo artist, we barely had time to sleep, let alone date. Eventually, things fizzled between us because of our busy schedules. And Jason doesnāt know it, but it was also a little bit because of the secret video Mina had threatened to leak of Jason and me kissing backstage. With her threat looming over my head, I could never quite relax when I was with him.
The thing is, Mina never did end up leaking that video. And even though the threat of it was often on my mind during the year and a half Jason and I dated, ultimately, we had the chance to give our relationship a fair shot without any tabloid frenzy. Maybe Mina never intended to hurt me as much as I thought she did.
āThe Orange Music Awards six months ago,ā Jason says, snapping his finge...