The Grieving Student

A Guide for Schools

David J. Schonfeld, Marcia Quackenbush

• Publisher: Brookes Publishing
• Year: 2021
• Print ISBN: 9781681254579
• eBook ISBN: 9781681254593
• Edition: 2
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education Counseling

Educators and other school professionals can be a critical lifeline for grieving children. With the second edition of this bestselling book, school staff will have the practical guidance they need to provide sensitive support to students of all ages and their families.

Author David Schonfeld—a renowned expert on childhood bereavement and school crisis—partners with family therapist Marcia Quackenbush to guide school teams through a child's experience of grief and illuminate the most powerful ways to make a positive difference. Drawing on both empirical research and extensive professional experience, the authors have enhanced this edition with up-to-date information on grief in the context of school crisis and trauma, suicide loss, social media, and other timely topics. School staff will get real-world tips, strategies, vignettes, and activities to help them skillfully support students as they cope with grief and work their way back to full participation in academic and social life.

DISCOVER HOW TO:

• respond constructively to children's common feelings and behaviors after a death
• address the classroom issues that grief may cause
• learn what to say and what not to say when a child is grieving
• offer effective guidance to families who are coping with grief
• provide support to the student body after a death that affects the whole school community
• address children's responses to different causes of death, including suicide, illness, and violence
• use simple commemorative activities at school to help students cope with their feelings
• manage personal feelings that may arise as you work with grieving students

WHAT'S NEW: Expanded online study guide with discussion questions, action steps, and more * Expanded focus on all school personnel, from administrators to support staff * New chapters on suicide loss and providing support in settings outside of K–12 schools * New and expanded information on social media, ambiguous losses, school crisis and trauma, supporting children with disabilities, school policies, line of duty deaths, memorialization, and more * Reflection prompts throughout the book * Insights related to the COVID-19 pandemic * New foreword by Superintendent Robert Runcie of Broward County Public Schools regarding the impact of the shootings at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School

1

Why Schools and Educators? Isn’t This Someone Else’s Job?

INTRODUCTION

The emphasis of this book is to help students who are grieving. One of the most effective ways to do this is to help all children understand more about death as part of their ongoing learning about life. Virtually all students will, at some point, deal with the death of a family member or friend. Offering anticipatory guidance provides them with the understanding and resources that will allow them to better cope when such losses occur, whether in their own lives or in those of friends or classmates.

Schools and educators are an important influence in the lives of children. The relationship they have with children is distinct—different from families, neighbors, faith-based organizations, or clubs. As we will point out, teachers and other educators are uniquely qualified to help students understand more about death. They can play an essential role in supporting children who are grieving.

One of the most effective ways to support students is to help all children understand more about death as part of their ongoing learning about life.

Educators are uniquely qualified to help students understand more about death.

What Is a Child? What Is a Parent?

As mentioned in the Introduction, in this book the term children refers to children and/or students of all ages, including teens, except when we mention a specific age. The term parent refers to parents as well as both legal and informal guardians.

SCHOOLS ARE A SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT

Students look to educators for support and guidance with a variety of issues. For example, teachers help children understand the academic elements of their world, such as how to do long division, choose a good topic for a report, or understand the steps in mitosis. School counselors may help students learn about social and emotional skills. Coaches might help students practice goal setting or understand more about personal responsibility. Students might also make special connections with parent volunteers, bus drivers, members of the custodial staff, or lunchroom employees. It is not surprising, then, that all types of educators are a resource to whom children naturally turn when they are trying to cope with a death.

Often, students who have concerns regarding death are more comfortable turning to a trusted teacher or other educator whom they feel they know well than to a community-based provider or clinician. Similarly, families are frequently more comfortable receiving support and services in a school setting, which is more familiar and accessible than a local mental health service.

What Is an Educator?

Throughout this book, we use a broad definition of the term educator. Each member of the school staff community plays a unique role in students’ education and well-being. However, students may look for support from any adult with whom they feel an authentic connection. Staff and volunteers in any role within the school may observe changes in children’s behavior or be asked questions about death or grief. This is why we believe it is essential that every member of the education community within a school or district understand the basic foundations of supporting grieving students.

The following list includes reasons why schools are meaningful settings for children to learn more about death and how to cope with a loss:

• Schools are familiar. They provide a safe and known setting, which makes them ideal for learning more about topics that are unknown, even if those topics might evoke confusion or anxiety.
• Schools offer a variety of trained staff. For example, classroom teachers can check with other teachers, administrators, or a range of student support personnel—including school counselors, nurses, psychologists, or social workers—or others for guidance in addressing the complex issues of death and grieving. Students can also be assisted directly by a range of these qualified, knowledgeable professionals.
• Students spend a good deal of time at school. There are many different opportunities during the school year to address death and related issues.
• Large numbers of children can be served. Schools remain the best setting in which to reach the largest number of children.

Who Are “Student Support Personnel”?

A range of school staff may be available to offer guidance to teachers and administrators working with grieving students, as well as to provide support to students themselves. These include school counselors, psychologists, nurses, and social workers. In some schools or districts, there may be others who can play a role in providing support and guidance, including community volunteers with professional training (such as family counselors), staff or volunteers from nonprofit organizations, or representatives of other organizations who play a role in students’ lives.

Schools are also a particularly effective environment for supporting children who are grieving; classroom teachers can often monitor these students more easily than counselors or other professionals because they have ongoing contact with them. Teachers spend more time with students on a daily basis in a natural environment and are often more familiar with students.

A student’s grief may exhibit itself in a variety of ways that emerge in school settings rather than at home. For example, a child may begin acting out, put less effort into lessons and homework, or have conflicts with classmates. Grieving students who find themselves unable to concentrate may become frustrated or anxious. Educators may be able to compare how a student’s behavior differs before and after a loss. They can also evaluate a student’s behavior considering the many other students with whom they have worked. This gives educators a strong basis for comparison and helps them determine whether a child needs additional support or services.

Most of the time, families appreciate the additional support that educators and schools can provide. They view teachers and other school staff as reliable sources of information about their children. Grieving families may be too overwhelmed to see or accurately assess the effects of grief on their children. Families respect educators’ expertise and look to them for advice during challenging times.

When a family is touched by a death, children also need support beyond the family.

EDUCATORS’ DISTANCE FROM THE LOSS CAN BE A BENEFIT

Schools and educators must balance many demands during the school day. Classroom time is committed to required subjects and test preparation, which leaves little time for addressing other needs. Many educators, however, feel that they are also being asked to act as social workers. Some, quite reasonably, might ask, “Shouldn’t families be taking on this role of helping children understand death and cope with grief?”

The answer, of course, is that families do need to give their children opportunities to understand life and death. When families have experienced a loss, their children will look first to them for emotional support. Families have a unique and essential role in helping children through these experiences. However, when a family is touched by a death, children also need support beyond the family. Children learn quickly that grief places burdens on family members. A child knows, for example, that if he talks with his mother about how much he misses his father, she will feel sad. Some parents, struggling with their own grief, simply cannot give their children full support. Even parents who are able to be emotionally present and supportive with their children cannot fulfill all the needs children have at such times.

Educators, therefore, have something to offer children that their families cannot—a perspective informed by a distance from the loss. In most instances, an educator is not as personally involved in the death, even though the child’s questions may bring up sadness and even personal memories of loss. However, children experience an immediate quality of personal grief that is part of their interactions with family after the death of a family member or friend. This personal grief is not part of students’ communication with their teacher or a school administrator, for example. It can be an immense relief for children to ask their questions and seek support without feeling that they have to protect the educator’s emotions. This distance—in addition to educators’ understanding of child development, their familiarity with students’ day-to-day behavior, and their experiences responding to children’s questions and needs—makes it clear how powerful this support can be.

Educators have something to offer that families cannot—a perspective informed by a distance from the loss.

UNDERSTANDING WHAT TO DO

The introduction to this book acknowledges that death is a challenging topic. Educators may feel apprehensive about having conversations with students concerning death for valid reasons. The same strategies and skills that allow educators to be effective in other areas of teaching, however, work very well when talking with children about death and grief. These strategies include having a basic understanding of the topic and a framework for addressing the subject in ways that make sense to students. This book provides both. The information here allows educators to address issues relevant to children’s understanding about death and apply strategies that align with their own approaches to teaching.

Often, these interventions can be quite brief. In most cases, supporting grieving children and helping all students learn more about death provides impressive benefits with a very modest investment of time. To do this well, however, e...

Table of contents

• Dedications
• About the Downloads
• About the Authors
• About the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement
• Foreword
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• 1 Why Schools and Educators? Isn’t This Someone Else’s Job?
• 2 How Children Understand Death
• 3 When a Death Occurs in a Child’s Life
• 4 Support for Grieving Children: First Steps
• 5 Communication: Ways to Make Contact and Keep It Going
• 6 Working With Families
• 7 Special Concerns for Bereaved Children
• 8 Providing Support Over Time
• 9 When an Entire School Is Affected
• 10 Responding to a Death by Suicide
• 11 Applications Beyond K–12
• 12 Serious Illness: When Death Is a Concern
• 13 Memorialization and Commemoration
• 14 Taking Care of Yourself
• Afterword
• References
• Index