Self-Compassion For Dummies

Steven Hickman

• Publisher: For Dummies
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9781119796701
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Persönliche Entwicklung
• Subtopic: Psychische Verfassung & Wohlbefinden

Become your own best friend and reap the life-changing benefits!

Being kind to yourself might sound simple, but self-compassion can change your life dramatically (and most of us are WAY kinder to others than to ourselves) Self-CompassionForDummies will help you discover self-critical thoughts andself-defeatingbehaviors that are holding you back from fulfilling your potentialand explore how you canlearn to work around thesethings to find your way to more joy and satisfaction. We often think being hard on ourselves will help motivate us to be better people, but Dr. Steven Hickman'sreview of theresearchfindsthat just the opposite is true. When you learn to love and appreciate yourself completely(as an imperfect human with messy feelings and uncomfortable thoughts), you free yourself up to achieve great things. This book will show you how!

Befriendingyourselfand coping mindfully with the challenges of everyday lifeis easy with this practical guide.You'll learn how to give yourself a taste of your own medicine byturningunderstanding, acceptance, and love—stuff you already do for others all the time—inward.

• Discover the research behind self-compassion and learn how it can help youface yourinsecurities and life a fuller lifeas a result
• Cultivate feelings of self-worth, acceptance, and love forsomeone who really deserves it—you!
• Explorethe potential ofself-compassionto address self-criticism, perfectionism, shame, self-doubt, anxiety, and anger
• Work through evidence-basedexercises and practicesto easily master the art of self-compassionas a daily way of being and not just an esoteric exercise

Now more than ever, we need to offer support and love to ourselves.Thankfully, this is a skill we can all develop with a little help from Self-CompassionForDummies.

Part 1

Getting Started with Self-Compassion

IN THIS PART …

• Discover how to begin to ask yourself the fundamental question of self-compassion: What do I need?
• Find out what science tells us about self-compassion.
• Explore how self-compassion may not be what you think and may actually be the opposite of what you think!
• Develop some basic skills to create the best “inner space” and equip you to get the most from self-compassion practice.

Chapter 1

Exploring Self-Compassion

IN THIS CHAPTER

Becoming a friend to yourself

Exploring the three components and yin and yang of self-compassion

Discovering the fundamental question of self-compassion

Getting to know the Mindful Self-Compassion program and its founders

Welcome to the next step on a journey to greater self-compassion in your life. Take a moment to appreciate the road you have traveled thus far and how you came to be holding this book. It is probably safe to say that, if you are reading these words, you do not consider yourself skilled at being kind to yourself or treating yourself compassionately when you have a hard time. After all, those people don’t buy books like this. Maybe you’re “self-compassion-curious,” and you are here because you have become increasingly aware that being hard on yourself, perfectionistic, and prone to bouts of shame and maybe even self-loathing is not serving you. In fact, this way of being with yourself has caused you a great deal of emotional pain and impacted your ability to do what you want to do in life and to have the things you most desire, like joy, happiness, and satisfaction. Maybe you’ve observed a repeating pattern of destructive relationships, unfulfilling jobs, or unhealthy habits that you engage in to mute the pain you feel.

It may be pain or struggle or stress that brought you through the door, so to speak, but before you move on, consider looking just a little bit below the surface of those painful challenges. Specifically, the reason you took action and are seeking to find out about self-compassion is actually not because of the discomfort or pain that you feel. Instead, it is another part of you, that deeply understands that you deserve better, that motivated and moved you. At your very core is a deep desire to be happy and free from suffering. It is this quiet but persistent voice and inclination of the heart that moves you to seek out something better for yourself.

The practice of self-compassion is really about accessing that small voice and giving it space to grow and expand. Becoming more self-compassionate is like pulling weeds around a tender seedling full of potential and beauty and bounty so that it can reach its full potential. In this metaphor, you are both the seedling and the gardener, so with a fair amount of patience, persistence, and kind intention toward yourself, you can tend this garden and harvest the fruits of your labor. You actually have everything you need inside of you to do this kindhearted, important work, and my intention is to support you in accessing those inner resources (that you may doubt that you possess) and discover how to embrace them to fulfill your potential as a living, loving human being no less deserving of your own love and affection than any other person on the planet.

Befriending Yourself: A Splendid New Relationship

If you’re like most people, you are a really good friend. When your pals have a hard time, when they miss out on a promotion or go through a divorce, you know how to respond in just the right way. You can comfort and soothe if needed, you may inspire self-confidence or cheer them on at other times, and you’re generally their “rock” when times are tough. It’s what you do. You’re a mensch as they say in Yiddish, a good person, a stand-up guy. Not always, not perfectly, but you do your best, and friends appreciate your kind intention.

But maybe something different happens when the one who struggles is you. Take a moment to pause and consider this brief, guided reflection drawn from the Mindful Self-Compassion program:

1. Pause for a moment to allow your mind to settle and to become aware of your body as it sits just where it is.
   Create a brief pause between reading and reflecting.
2. Call to mind a situation when a close friend was having a hard time.
   Perhaps they failed a test in school, or they interviewed for a desirable job and they didn’t get it, or they accidentally said something that made someone angry at them.
3. See if you can recall how you responded to your friend in this situation.
   Maybe recall how you found out about the situation and what you did upon hearing of it. What were the kinds of things you said to your friend? See if you can remember the tone of voice you used or your body posture at the time.
4. Now take a moment to consider another scenario. Think of a time when you faced a misfortune.
   Maybe you made a proposal at work that was rejected by management, or you said something that upset a romantic partner and they ended the relationship.
5. Call to mind what went on inside your mind and heart at the time.
   Again, how did you react? See if you can recall the words you used with yourself in the aftermath of the event. And even if you can’t recall the exact words, you may recall the tone of your inner voice. You may even recall how your body felt to hear this or what emotions came up.
6. Compare these two situations. Is there a difference in how you respond to a friend versus how you respond to yourself under similar circumstances?

If what you discovered in the previous reflection was that you are harder on yourself than you are on your friends when things go wrong, you are in very good company. Researchers have found that the vast majority (78 percent) of the general population (at least in the United States) shares your bias toward cutting more slack to your friends. Sixteen percent report that they are more balanced in their treatment of themselves and others. And finally, 6 percent say that they are more compassionate to themselves than others (those folks are unlikely to buy this book!).

But the point of this reflection is not to highlight yet another way that you are not perfect or to imply that there is something wrong with you for being so hard on yourself. Instead, you can actually take heart! Consider the fact that you already know how to cultivate compassion and kindness, because you admitted you can do it for your dear friends.

All you have to do is orchestrate a U-turn on that compassion for others and, bingo, you’ve befriended yourself and you are on the road to more self-compassion. Simple. But of course, not so easy. Whenever you may struggle to offer yourself compassion in a difficult moment, consider starting by asking yourself, “How would I treat a good friend if they were going through what I’m going through? What would I say? What tone of voice would I use? What might I do to let them know that I’m here for them?” Asking yourself this question can “jump-start” your practice when your self-compassion “battery” has run down.

Understanding Self-Compassion

It’s important to begin by being completely clear on what, exactly, self-compassion is, so that you can then proceed to cultivate it in your life. By necessity, this discussion must begin with Dr. Kristin Neff, an author and social psychologist who is the world’s leading researcher and authority on self-compassion. Kristin’s work, in collaboration with clinical psychologist Dr. Chris Germer, who is a pioneer in exploring the integration of psychology and contemplative practice, has resulted in the empirically supported Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program (described later in this chapter). But beyond the development of MSC, Neff and Germer (through their writing, speaking, and research) have raised the profile of self-compassion in the popular consciousness and contributed to a new appreciation in clinical and contemplative circles for the role of self-compassion in resilience, well-being, and the relief of human suffering. (Note: Much of what I know about this topic, and write about in this book, is a direct result of studying the work of Chris and Kristin, and working closely with them as friends and colleagues, and as a teacher and teacher trainer of MSC.)

Kristin Neff’s research on the topic of self-compassion arose out of her own experience of discovering just how hard she was on herself as a graduate student. She thought it might be possible to cultivate a more harmonious relationship with herself through cultivating self-compassion. This direct personal experience led her to want to study the concept and understand it in a way that had not yet been researched. In turn, this led to a remarkable body of research that is cited widely around the globe, pointing to the benefits of self-compassion. Kristin developed the empirically supported Self-Compassion Scale (I present a version of it in Chapter 2), which enabled her and her colleagues to more directly study self-compassion and begin to understand how it is related to various other things like mood, well-being, motivation, behavior change, and so on.

If you’re particularly interested in the research aspect of this topic, see Kristin’s website (self-compassion.org) for a huge bibliography of published research studies on self-compassion.

Compassion at the core

First and foremost, it’s important to be completely clear that compassion is the foundation for everything that you discover and practice in this book. Whether you direct that compassion at others or yourself, the definition of compassion remains the same. A number of different authorities, from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary to the Dalai Lama, essentially define compassion in similar terms: the awareness of distress and the desire to alleviate that distress. (Some use the term “suffering” instead of “distress,” but again, it’s easiest to think of these as equivalent: distress, suffering, stress, pain.)

This two-part definition (awareness of distress and the desire to alleviate it) helps to also clarify the difference between empathy and compassion, which is another question that people often have. In simple terms, empathy is the first part of the definition of compassion, without the second part. Empathy is the human capacity to relate to and sense another person’s pain. Period. I often say that “empathy is a one-way street” in this regard, and it lacks the action component of compassion. One can have empathy for another person’s struggle without having compassion.

Most people tend to think of compassion as it relates to compassion for other people, which is probably why self-compassion gets lost in the shuffle and so many of us are in need of a “booster” when it comes to directing this warmth toward ourselves! Self-compassion is simply the capacity to include ourselves within the circle of our compassion, a kind of “compassionate U-turn.” This may sound simple on the one hand, but if you’ve tried, you know that it can be challenging. To appreciate the elements involved in self-compassion, it may help to start with unpacking the experience of compassion for others. By doing so, you begin to see the connection between this and self-compassion.

Take a moment to imagine a scenario where you are walking down the street and encounter a homeless woman sitting on the curb, rumpled, dirty, holding a paper cup for donations, and clearly suffering. As you consider this situation, what do you think would have to be present in you for compassion for this woman to arise? I often present this exercise when I speak about self-compassion, and invariably, the responses that I get are very similar, group after group. One can easily group the responses into three general areas that, remarkably enough, align with what Kristin Neff’s research has uncovered regarding self-compassion:

• “You have to even notice that the person is there.” This is a way of saying that one has to first be mindful to actually notice that there is a person in front of you who is suffering. Without awareness, there is no possibility of compassion, and this awareness is referred to as mindfulness. The simple capacity to notice what is present in the moment, without judgment, is not so easy sometimes, but each of us possesses the ability.
• “I realize that there but for the grace of God go I.” The recognition that this person is a fellow human being, who just like me, wants to be happy and free from suffering, is a powerful acknowledgement of what Kristin Neff calls common humanity. This ability to remember...