Power Up Power Down

How to Reclaim Control and Make Every Situation a Win/Win

Gail Rudolph

• Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9781631955075
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Success

Power Up Power Down offers solutions for women and minorities feeling overlooked, dismissed, frustrated, and undervalued in the workplace.

CHAPTER ONE

What Is Power?

From the time I was a small child, I was aware of personal power. I think most of us are aware at some level how power plays out from the time we are little.

I was the youngest of four children and my oldest brother was eighteen years my senior. With that kind of age difference, I never felt my voice mattered, and no matter how hard I tried, I was just a pesky five-year-old.

But I wasn’t about to give up easily. I definitely found a way to be heard; I yelled at the top of my lungs! Basically, I would “throw a tantrum” and the louder I got, the more my family paid attention.

While this tactic of throwing a tantrum worked when I was young, needless to say, yelling becomes less and less effective as we age. The one power move that I believed served me well when I was little to get some attention (getting louder) actually detracted from me being taken seriously the older I got. However, those same feelings of not being heard persisted for many years.

Growing up, my champion was my dad and when he suddenly died when I was sixteen, the power dynamics in our family changed dramatically. Hoping to find answers through education (my dad had been the school superintendent), I majored in psychology and did some graduate work in behavioral therapy. I even went on to get a master’s degree in Human Services Administration, but something was still missing. I still didn’t feel very powerful.

After I finished grad school, I worked in the non-profit world for a number of years and had a successful career doing development, consulting, and training.

One crisp, fall morning, I arrived early to attend an executive board meeting for a foundation where I was serving as a consultant. They had asked me to sit in and offer insights and suggestions on how to use the meeting to better engage the board.

During the allotted networking time before this 7 a.m. meeting, a new female board member and I were talking with one of the longtime board members. He was sharing how he had rented a retreat facility to host twenty people, affording them time together to draw on their collective expertise and improve their leadership skills and influence. It sounded interesting, and I was intrigued. I mentioned to him that if he ever had an open spot, I would be very interested in attending.

He replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, it’s only for men. I believe men are the true leaders.”

Before I could respond, we were interrupted, and he was pulled away. I turned to the woman standing beside me and asked if she had heard and interpreted the statement in the same way I had. She nodded sharply and her lips were pursed. I could see that she was stewing internally, and it wasn’t long before she expressed her outrage by stating how she couldn’t believe that way of thinking even still existed in this day and age!

Although she remained very poised during the meeting, I could tell she was simmering under the surface as each minute passed. To top it off, this same longtime board member had no qualms about repeating his “only men are invited” statement as he told the rest of the board about the upcoming leadership weekend.

Since I had heard this statement earlier, I was able to observe how the other powerful and prominent female board members reacted to his statement of female exclusion. I could not only sense their distaste, but the same disapproval was reflected among a number of male board members as well.

But guess what? Nobody challenged him.

When I looked around the table and realized that no one was going to say anything, I had an epiphany. I finally recognized that nobody takes our power. We give it away, often with our silence. In this case, it was through each board member remaining silent about their colleague’s egregious statement.

Everyone in that room had willingly (albeit unconsciously) handed over their power in order to keep the peace. Armed with this enlightened understanding, I saw clearly that the future well-being of the foundation’s leadership teetered on a precipice.

As the meeting continued, I watched firsthand how the power dynamics changed based on this one man’s statement. It was obvious this particular board member had all the power and influence in the meeting while the others were scrambling to reclaim their positioning by kowtowing to him.

As I watched this play out from the sidelines, I saw the verbal and nonverbal interaction of the group shift. And I have to admit, I was in a quandary about what to do.

As the consultant, it wasn’t my place to call him out, especially not publicly.

My solution was simple but actually quite strategic. When I got the opportunity, I addressed the board as a whole and asked the question: “With the weekend coming up that’s only open to a limited number of people, what other opportunities are available for other members of the leadership team?”

One of the female board members let the group know of a high-end leadership workshop being offered that was still open. And in fact, she offered to sponsor anyone who wanted to attend.

As I continued to watch this scenario play out, it dawned on me. Changing the power balance in the room can happen with the right understanding of how power dynamics work.

It wasn’t just about men vs. women or older vs. younger. There was something else at play.

It was then I decided that somehow, someway, I would find a way to level the playing field.

Power Defined

Let’s start by making sure we’re on the same page with the definition of power. There are lots of perceptions about what power is.

In some ways, describing power is like describing the wind. You know it’s there and you can feel it, but it’s hard to put into words.

Throughout time, power has taken on many meanings, but the power we are talking about is not as simple as putting gas in a car and stepping on the accelerator to propel the vehicle forward.

The power I’m talking about is that unseen mysterious energy that exists between each of us and how its use can either increase or decrease our ability to influence and accomplish our goals. Harnessing this power the right way leads to positive interactions with others, getting things done, and creates an environment where cooperation and diversity can flourish.

At its most basic level, power can be channeled by aligning our mindset, body movements, and verbal inflection. Much like plugging a lamp into an outlet, we need to plug into the appropriate power response in any given situation.

This interpersonal energy is central to every one of our interactions. Yes, every interaction. Power is an inherent social contract. When you are dealing with family, friends, coworkers, or strangers, there is always an element of power in play.

This unseen power element isn’t male or female, white or black, boss or employee, or any other contrasting element. It is gender, race, and hierarchically neutral. Power is defined simply as “the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events.” It’s an energy that ebbs and flows as we interact with others.

Power just exists.

That said, there’s often a “look” to those who appear powerful to us, and we subconsciously perceive it. It’s communicated in the way people stand, take up space, and use their vocal tonality. In fact, our brain gives twelve times more significance to gestures and body language than words.

How we communicate nonverbally (energetically) plays a huge role in our ability to express our power.

Power and Energy

The idea of energy around power hit home for me when I was at an event and a surprise celebrity came into the room.

In my role as a corporate fundraiser, I’ve had the opportunity to meet many exceptional people who were generous in their philanthropy.

One evening, I was invited to a small dinner party given by one of our very committed donors at his country club. He told me he had invited an out-of-town friend to join us and there would be just seven of us for dinner.

I was mingling with him and a few of the other guests when he saw his friend come to the door. He turned to the group and said, “Hey, everyone, I’d love for you to meet my dear friend, Morgan Freeman.”

As you can imagine, having an Academy Award-winning actor walk in changed the atmosphere in the room!

Known for his diverse roles in movies such as Driving Miss Daisy, Shawshank Redemption, and the comedy Bruce Almighty (where he played God), Morgan Freeman is a formidable force.

Sitting at the table that night, he exuded power, not because of anything he said, but just by his presence alone. You could feel the shift in the room as this accomplished actor arrived to have a normal dinner with friends. His energy was powerful.

But is this kind of energy and power just reserved for celebrities? Not in the least.

People who understand how to harness their innate interpersonal power give off cues and signals that are indicators of power and influence, even if they’re not obvious.

Sadly, too many people can feel powerless even when they actually aren’t (often this is rooted in limiting self-beliefs). I believe there is always personal power to be accessed, and it is up to each of us to step into our power responsibly and with integrity—because choice leads to power.

What I mean by this is when we choose how and when to manage our power, we ultimately take control. We make better decisions than when we react in a knee-jerk way.

In fact, people who understand (and practice) how to access their power in intentional and ethical ways become more self-assured and have more confidence in their thoughts and ideas. Power and self-assurance are cyclical: The more confident a person, the more power they believe they deserve.

There’s no need to seek permission from others on whether we are worthy of having power or influence; we already have it. Whether we realize it or not, each one of us has power and influence. It is an ever-present dynamic in all interactions. Power is not just relegated to those in exclusive “circles;” we can all consciously choose to use it appropriately.

And the best news… tapping into our power allows us to use mistakes, failures, and setbacks as guideposts for growth and learning.

Real power works by energizing us from a place of stability and self-worth, not by demanding control.

That’s why it is essential to reflect on our personal understanding and relationship with power.

The Road from Frustration to Empowerment

As I continued to think about and study how power works, I enrolled in the Entrepreneurial Leadership Certification program from the Graduate School of Business at Stanford University.

Stanford provided me with great insight into business fundamentals, human behavior, and negotiation with others. They also showed me how each of these skills could be taught and learned.

One of the courses I took was specifically about power and its impact in the workplace.

To demonstrate how we perceive the power continuum, the professor passed around a playing card to each student. The “value” of each card represented a position within a company. The Aces, Kings, and Queens were the C-suite executives, the Jacks, 10s, and 9s were middle management, and the 8s through 1s were employees.

Without looking at our card, we held it so others could see its value. Everyone began milling around the room, interacting with others based on their “position” within the company. If you came across someone in possession of a King, you were supposed to treat them as you would a CEO or other high-level leader. When speaking to a person with a numeric card, you were to interact with them in a manner that someone in this position would expect.

At the end of this exercise, we self-selected our place in the company based on how our interactions with others played out: Leadership, Middle Management, or Lower-Level Employee.

Every person in the room chose the correct category in the company.

Why? Because conversations with and treatment from others showed us where we fell on the power continuum.

Doing this exercise helped me to see how our words and perceptions impacted how we interacted with others. (And I have to say, I was a tiny bit embarrassed to realize how easy it was to type people.)

Soon after, in one of my Business Negotiation classes, the professor assigned an interactive exercise during which we were each teamed up with another student. At the time, I had no idea how this seemingly simple exercise would impact my thinking so profoundly for years to come.

The professor gave each participant a goal to achieve; we had to negotiate with our partner and work toward obtaining our desired result. Neither party knew the other’s goal. If we reached an impasse, we could forfeit and still receive credit for the assignment. But the desired outcome was to reach the goal we had been assigned.

My partner came out like she had on boxing gloves and was almost combative in trying to achieve her goal. She would not a...