A More Beautiful Life

A Simple Five-Step Approach to Living Balanced Goals with HEART

Whitney English

• Publisher: Thomas Nelson
• Year: 2022
• Print ISBN: 9780785251927
• eBook ISBN: 9780785251934
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Success

A More Beautiful Life walks readers through setting HEART Goals, a proven framework that starts with helping you better understand yourself not by tracking and measuring everything to death but by meeting you right where you are.  

Traditional goal setting sets us up for failure. Starting from a place of desired outcomes, we attempt to answer the question, “Where do I want to end up in life?”  

Then we attempt to follow a plan that tells us to run in this direction and track our progress with journals, spreadsheets, and complicated tools. Often the plan is too long, too hard, and too elaborate. It’s not flexible, fluid, or dynamic­–in other words, nothing like real life. We focus too much on outcomes, letting the end justify the means, and often forget who we are in the process, missing the point of goal setting altogether. We need a system that allows us to embrace who we are and let that understanding guide us toward a better life. 

In A More Beautiful Life, Whitney English shares HEART Goals–a system that starts with what matters most to you, never forcing you to adopt arbitrary goals and rules. The process matters, not just the outcomes. This system frees you from comparison and allows you to be authentically yourself. It helps you gain confidence as you make the progress that comes from having done your best instead of the depressing discouragement that comes from comparing yourself to the performances of others. You won’t have to become someone else to get what you want.  

• H – Help Yourself
• E – Empower Yourself
• A – All Your People
• R – Resources and Responsibilities
• T – Trade

This is an integrative approach to help you create a more meaningful life that is all yours. You won’t feel imbalanced or off-center as you pursue one area of success, fearing it will cost you somewhere else. Without any striving, your goals will be aligned with where you want to go in life. You won’t need to completely change who you are to follow the system. No more deadlines. No more tracking. No more nonsense.  

PART I

Chapter 1

GOALS GONE WRONG

“My goal is no longer to get more done, but rather to have less to do.”

FRANCINE JAY¹

I remember where I was sitting when the mail came on July 17, 2012. The scrappy office building where my company set up camp was formerly a flooring showroom. The carpet changed every twenty feet, with wood or tile options interjecting. When the mailman came, he hopped inside over a circle of tile, dropped the mail, and waved. From a heavily decorated kidney-shaped desk (thanks to the scratch and dent at the local furniture mecca), I waved back.

Without a budget for new flooring, we made do. I stepped onto the orange oak, crossing a confused matrix of brown walnut and yellow pineslabs. Mahogany bookcases behind me clashed in contrast, waiting for our financial situation to improve.

For almost two years, maybe three, I’d been living paycheck to paycheck—except that’s not really accurate because I hadn’t been paying myself. Whatever was in the business checking account went to employees, vendors, bills, and credit cards. There simply wasn’t anything left over for me. As a business owner, wife, and mom, it was a nightmare.

Rifling through the stack of mail, I remembered when the business used to have energy and excitement and cash flow. All that was gone now. Dreams of old victories had kept me going, hoping for better days. I was afraid to face reality or acknowledge the operation was failing, the wheels attached to the car with paper clips and string.

After the friendly carrier dropped the mail that day, I got up from my desk to riffle through it. Every invoice-I-could-barely-pay and past due notice reminded me that I was failing. And then I came across a thicker, linen-textured envelope. It was distinctive—heavier, foreboding. I did not want to open it.

My admission that the company was in a vulnerable position had come only weeks earlier. Daily, my straggling team and I managed to hold the rattletrap together, but I knew if we were to unexpectedly get a flat or the transmission were to go out or the muffler fell off, the charade would be over. Maybe you’ve found yourself in a position like this—not with a business but with a marriage or finances or a challenging relationship. Where it feels like you’re barely hanging on. If you can relate, you’ll know what I mean when I say: we could handle any setback, but only one setback at a time. More than two disasters at once had the potential to take down my already-weak operation.

I held the ecru envelope with an attorney’s address printed in tan ink on the top left-hand corner and drew out the trifold paper. Unfolded, I recognized the gist of it in an instant.

Years prior, one of our largest customers had allowed their invoices to accumulate well past due dates, and in the ninety days prior to filing bankruptcy, they had tried to settle their account with my business. It was for less than the amount they owed, but still significant, so we took it and counted our blessings.

This notice came bearing bad news about that big check. Since the company had filed bankruptcy less than ninety days after sending the settlement check, the trustee of their bankruptcy legally had the right to come to us and ask for that money back—even though it had been years since the transaction. It’s what they call a “bankruptcy rollback.”

Here was the problem: we didn’t have the money. I sat, staring at the reality in front of me—the trustee was demanding we pay this large sum of money back, money we simply didn’t have. I knew what this meant. I didn’t want to believe it yet, but I knew.

I was usually fairly resourceful about coming up with answers, finding alternatives, and maneuvering my way to desired results. But this time, this problem, well, I don’t think even MacGyver had enough paper clips to keep the car together.

We had only one choice: file bankruptcy on the business and close. I would have to call our creditors—many of whom I considered friends—and admit we were broke. I offered pennies on the dollar before finally closing the doors. The whole thing felt dirty and plain wrong.

You likely haven’t filed for bankruptcy before. Although it is devastating for those who have, it’s not a universal problem. But the devastation I felt is universal. Deep shame. Crippling fear. And the general sense that somewhere, somehow, I had made a massive, uncorrectable mistake.

Something had to change. Not just closing the business—something else. But I couldn’t put my finger on it. Life wasn’t going as planned, and I couldn’t figure out why.

It wasn’t the bankruptcy that leveled me as much as it was what the bankruptcy revealed for me. I was beyond burnt-out, way past stressed, and my life wasn’t one I was proud of or could enjoy. I was disappointed with myself and frustrated with my circumstances, so far from what I pictured for my life. Despite having the beautiful family I had always dreamed of, a home that was messy but comfortable, and pursuing the career of my (I thought) dreams, I was miles and miles away from any sense of peace.

Every day was fraught with fear and plagued with panic, as I rushed about, trying to do it all, and doing none of it well. It was chaos.

And the business was only part of it. I was behind on bathroom cleaning, burning dinners, and battling depression. I didn’t feel in control—and I didn’t feel like me.

Maybe this was just motherhood? Being an entrepreneur? Maybe everyone else felt this overwhelmed and out of control but wasn’t saying anything? Or maybe I was the problem.

Sitting at my desk, weary, discouraged, and facing a string of problems I didn’t know how to manage, the one thing I knew for sure was that I wanted a different life. It didn’t even matter what kind of life—as long as it wasn’t this one.

I wanted to feel empowered to accomplish everything on my plate. I wanted to know everything was going to be okay. I wanted to feel present instead of distracted, successful instead of like a deadbeat, caught up instead of behind. I wanted time at the end of the day to enjoy my family and friends. I aspired to be the person I had promised my family I could be.

What was I doing wrong? How had I arrived here? How could I be failing so epically?

Failure is painful, but long ago I decided that if I could find a lesson in a harrowing experience, then it would at least count for education. I sat at my desk, staring at that fancy envelope, dreading the next few weeks of embarrassing phone calls, and mentally resolving not to waste this failure. I call it an MBA from the School of Hard Knocks. Experience is the best teacher, and I decided to believe—as absurd as it sounds—that this was my chance to take a step back and analyze what went wrong and why.

I might have failed at everything else. But that much I got right.

As I reflected, I pulled out my goal notebook—a binder I’ve kept since college—and reviewed my past goals. I’ve always been career-oriented, as evidenced by several of my ambitions: the desire to hit a specific dollar amount in sales, be featured in the national press, build a website, and grow the blog. I had some personal goals recorded too: run a 5k, lose ten pounds, read more books. Pulling out my planner, I saw a list of memories I wanted to make: family Easter, the neighborhood Halloween shindig, our murder mystery New Year’s Eve party, and a family road trip.

These were all good things, things I believed I could do. So how did the list of dreams before me—things that made me feel excited and energized and creative and in love—add up to a life I loathed?

What’s Possible?

The world is short on fairy godmothers and pixie dust, and I’ve been to enough estate sales to say with confidence that brass oil lamps don’t come with genies. Or magic. It’s up to us to make it happen in this life. We all recognized this at one point or another in our lives, and when we asked someone to tell us how to do it, they told us to set goals.

As if goal-setting is the answer.

Somewhere along the line, I picked up the belief that if I achieve as much as possible, I’ll be happy. As women, we daily take on this challenge with impossible expectations of ourselves—and because we’re incredible, we crush them.

We dash from responsibility to responsibility, hoping to reach the finish line before we collapse. Frankly, we’re good at managing it all. Watch any of us in action: people, projects, deadlines, and dishwashing fill our days. We plan meetings, drive car pool, juggle clients, sign up for Pilates classes, and check email. We schedule doctor, dentist, and hairdresser appointments. We compose grocery lists that sound like sonnets.

We are capable of doing it all. But in the frenzy, we forget to ask ourselves: How are we doing? Like, really doing?

The answer to this question is where we’ve gone wrong.

We’ve said we’re fine, and we’re not.

In setting our goals, we’ve also set ourselves up for failure.

To be fair, I’m not saying we shouldn’t have ambitions. I’m a woman with big dreams and I don’t plan on letting those go anytime soon. But if we’re setting our goals without HEART, then even if we achieve them, we might lose ourselves in the process. Achievements make for a great first impression, but when we prioritize them ahead of our needs, we run the risk of waking up in the middle of the night, plagued by the question: Do I even like my life?

No matter how many productivity apps we try, we still end the day worn out. Time-management strategies provide short-term relief, but then a sick day throws a wrench in our plans and a crowbar on our dreams. We stay on track with our goals for a month, and then we’re derailed by life’s infamous hiccups: a sick kid, a fender bender, or getting snapped at by someone else who also has a full plate.

With a typical goal-setting method, these curveballs threaten to steal our joy and permeate our souls with remorse and regret. Because, again, we’re focused on the goal. What I want to share—and what I’ve learned since that fateful day in 2012—is that these curveballs don’t have to change the way we feel about ourselves.

Because it’s not about the goal, it’s about the HEART.

The solution to our exhaustion may not be as simple as taking things off our already overflowing plates. Aside from reducing the volume of tasks, let’s examine and ask ourselves whether the way we organize and prioritize our days is beneficial or detrimental. Often it’s not the elements of our lives making us unhappy, but our approach to them.

Our goals are not the problem. The way we try to achieve those goals needs to change.

SMART Goals and Why They Fail Us

When I was in high school, the state of Oklahoma hosted a workshop retreat for seniors. The top seniors from schools across Oklahoma gathered at a camp for a two-night retreat to talk leadership, goals, ambitions, and the like. Students were selected based on athletic involvement and grade point average.

Translation: not me.

But it just so happened that the retreat weekend coincided with a series of other events so that every other student in my class could not attend the retreat. The smart kids had an event, the athletes had a tournament—which meant the school was left with the challenge of selecting a student who was neither smart nor athletic.

Enter Whitney, stage left.

Th...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Introduction
• Part I
• Part II
• Part III
• Notes
• About the Author