Dictionary definition:āConscious of oneās own feelings, character, etc.āCollins English Dictionary
Quotes:āOf all deceivers fear most yourself!āSĆøren Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher
āEverything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.āCarl Jung, Swiss psychoanalyst
āSelf-awareness is our capacity to stand apart from ourselves and examine our thinking, our motives, our history, our scripts, our actions, and our habits and tendencies.āStephen Covey, American educator and businessperson
āSelf-awareness is not self-centeredness, and spirituality is not narcissism. āKnow thyselfā is not a narcissistic pursuit.āMarianne Williamson, American politician and activist
Insights
Thereās a good reason we are looking at self-awareness first on our journey to better leadership. I would go as far as to say that without increasing our self-awareness, there is little hope for the top leaders that this world desperately needs. In a podcast with Tim Ferriss in February 2020, BrenĆ© Brown claimed that āthe reason thereās so much hate and unhappiness in the world is because people lack self-aware- ness.ā I tend to agree and if we think back to the poor leadership that we may have had the misfortune to experience in our own lives, thereās a very good chance that low or no self-awareness is a common factor. As I write, I am thinking of a particular person I used to know, who had absolutely no clue about how he impacted those around him, nor the trail of destruction he left behind; and when he was confronted about the upset he had caused, he simply told people they should grow a thicker skin.
In her book Insight: The Power of Self-Awareness in a Self-Deluded World, Tasha Eurich draws on years of research to suggest that up to 95 per cent of people believe that they are reasonably self-aware, but only 10 to 15 per cent of people actually are. Now, letās be clear that self-awareness is very different to being self-absorbed, a state which social media has helped increase to international pandemic levels. Self-awareness occurs on two levels. First, it means having an accurate view of our strengths and weaknesses, knowing what makes us tick, what makes us happy or sad and being aware of when our behaviour could be better and knowing some of the reasons for that conditioned behaviour. Second, it is about having a realistic view of how we connect with the outside world and the impact we make there on other people.
So, in summary, there are those who have never considered whether or not they are self-aware ā and they are probably not reading this book. Of those who do consider themselves to be self-aware, most are not. There are two levels on which they may not be: internal and external. Letās not be too down on ourselves, though. Thereās a good chance that, if you are reading this book, you are aware of areas of yourself and your leadership that could be better, and you may have been attracted to reading it by recognising that some of the chapter titles relate to areas in which you know you can improve, so you are probably well on your way. With respect to the second, external form of self-awareness, I had a rude awakening about this as a teenager, which certainly helped me lose any delusions of grandeur I may have had at the time. I was seventeen and at a youth group event where, for some reason, the leader of the group decided to run a āclear the airā exercise. We were asked to look around the room and ask ourselves whether we had an issue with anyone else there; then, on his signal, to go and talk to them about it. The bell sounded and I was talking to the first person in front of me, when I looked up and saw there was a queue behind them, while the rest of the room was relatively empty! At that moment, my previously unaware teenage self realised the impact I was having on others, which hopefully had a positive effect on me in later years. I certainly reflected for a while afterwards about what people had said to me and learned from it. And that, in a nutshell, is the key to growing in self-awareness. It is not about narcissistic introspection but detaching ourselves from incidents and conversations, and taking an objective view on events or what has been said, and then learning from this. Why did I feel like that? What could I do differently next time? It is about moving forward and not standing still.
I canāt think of a better example of someone growing into self-aware-ness than Terry Waite, who, while negotiating for the release of hostages in 1987 as the Archbishop of Canterburyās envoy, was taken into captivity himself for nearly five years, the first four of which were in solitary confinement. Very few human beings have four years in which to get to know themselves as thoroughly as he did, and as a result I recommend reading anything Terry has written, for it all shows great self-aware- ness. Here is an extract from Footfalls in Memory (1996), written after his release, about an experience he had as a young man:
I was quite terrified at the prospect of revealing my most private failings before another but took courage and did so. It was a small but important step in my life. One of the reasons this step had significance was that I began to learn what great capacity I, in company with most human beings, have for self-deception. Objective comments, be they from confessor, therapist, or friend, seem to be to be vital if one would grow up. They are rarely easy to accept.
Letās look now at a fictional example from the world of business to help us understand self-awareness in a little more detail. A company director of a growing business, letās call her Helen, has a great team, but taking the business to the next level involves a level of financial risk that she hasnāt been exposed to previously. Helen is reluctant to take that risk, despite several other board members and the bank being very keen. In fact, when they talk about the potential debt involved, she starts to feel nauseous and light-headed, and on one occasion she has to leave the room during discussions. As Helen is the main shareholder, the organisation delays taking the next step and now, a few months later, the business is stagnating. As she has a level of self-awareness, Helen knows in her heart that she has an issue with financial risk and she engages with a coach, who starts to help her explore her feelings of anxiety about money. They stem from Helen having an alcoholic father who regularly gambled the money needed to buy the family food or school uniforms. A fear of being in debt and not having enough money for food and clothes is buried in Helenās psyche, so that now, despite being relatively affluent, those fears are still present for her. Stepping further into her self-awareness will mean Helen acknowledging she has a weakness in this area and trusting others to make wise decisions around financial risk while stopping herself from blocking them.
We all experience some levels of trauma, pain or upset as children, which can leave us fearful or vulnerable. As we grow older, we create barriers around these vulnerable areas to protect ourselves. These defence mechanisms can create certain behaviours around those fears which subsequently bury the roots of the fear and insecurity even deeper as we become well practised at getting through life with our coping mechanisms or masks in place. Growing in self-awareness is about becoming aware of these blind-spots or realising that our version of ānormalā might look very different from the ānormalā of most of the population.
So, how do we grow in self-awareness? First, by spending time reflecting on our values, character and various aspects of our life, as we will be doing in each chapter of this book. In one of the quotes at the start of this chapter, Stephen Covey talks about the ability to stand back and look at ourselves from the outside; if you wish, read it again now. Second, by learning to connect with our inner feelings and understand why we feel the way we do. If our emotions are provoked during a conversation, itās helpful to learn to pause before we reply, so we can gain more insight into ourselves. Third, by asking for constructive feedback from others, which will help reveal our blind-spots and help us understand that others sometimes view a problem in a completely different, and often better, way than we do. Finally, we can learn to accept ourselves as a unique individual complete with our own suffering, fears and weakness. We admit to ourselves that we will never be perfect and that we will always be learning and inspired to change by those who are different to us. This is incredibly exciting ā and the starting point of being a leader with self-awareness.
Actions
Learning to be self-aware today:
Ā» Reflect for a few moments on how well you know yourself. How easy do you find it to stop your active mind and simply reflect on who you are? Journal any thoughts that arise.
Ā» Think back to the last time you felt anger or upset at the words or actions of another. Are you aware of why you felt that way?
Ā» Ask someone else today what your strengths and weaknesses are. This may be difficult, and you may need to give them some warning, but I promise it will be rewarding and will help you grow in self-awareness.