Drawing the Line

How to Achieve More Peace and Less Burnout in Your Life

Kate Crocco

• Publisher: Baker Books
• Year: 2022
• Print ISBN: 9780801094774
• eBook ISBN: 9781493433964
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Personal Success

In order to live a full and abundant life in alignment with our dreams and callings, we first need to become crystal clear on where we draw our boundary lines. But where and how do we draw the line? And how do we communicate clearly and lovingly to those around us where the line is and why it's important?

With plenty of relatable stories from her life juggling multiple businesses and a full house, therapist and mindset coach Kate Crocco offers eight principles that will help you understand, create, and maintain healthy boundaries in order to find more peace, greater fulfillment, and less burnout. She shows you how to take back control from the whims of other people's opinions about what you should be doing so that you can align your time and priorities with God's highest calling for your life.

Stop selling yourself short, waiting for permission, and looking to others for approval to begin living a life of purpose, passion, and personal peace.

Chapter 1 Never Say Never

You know what’s really painful? Being completely sure of something, maybe even having a pretty public stance on it, and then realizing that your belief or decision is no longer in alignment with your life and values. Holding on too tightly to what once was can really hold us back from living out God’s fullness for our lives. I bet some of you are living through this internal struggle today—doing all you can not to cave and change your mind about something that once felt so right for you.

I had spent two years anticipating February 2020. I had engaged in conversation after conversation with family, friends, mentors, business besties, my Bible study group, and most of all my public social media community. We would be enrolling our girls in full-time day care so that I would have the space to really dive back into my career and everything that comes with the launch of a first book. Up until this point, I had been scrappily working with whatever bread crumbs of time I could find outside the part-time childcare hours we had. As much as I loved my girls, I really wanted my career back too. Of course, nothing crazy like before, but just enough to build the momentum again. Pre-kids, I was known for working seventy-plus-hour weeks in my businesses. I had also worked very hard to get back to a mindset of “I can still be a good mom even if I allow others to watch my children so that I can focus on my dreams.” That department was a tough one, and I was still a pretty newish mom at this point. Life was a whirlwind the first two years of motherhood, finding out we were having our second baby when our first was just nine months old and I was in the midst of full-fledged breastfeeding and raging hormones.

That February, the girls fifteen months and two and a half years old, I remember dropping by my parents’ and them casually asking if we had begun to think about schools for the girls. I literally was just trying to launch a book and get them out of diapers first, but I guess that’s what responsible adults do—plan ahead. And so, of course, I answered with, “Um, not a clue. We will think about it once they’re both out of diapers.” But then my father offered an idea that he thought was brilliant: the H word. You know the thing that all the perfect moms do who devote their lives to the good of their children. Homeschooling. I almost spit out my water. Me? Homeschool? You mean us living on a prairie, wearing matching hand-sewn dresses with Laura Ingalls Wilder braids, baking homemade bread, writing on chalkboard tablets? I chuckled. “No way would I ever want to do that,” I said under my breath. I pushed the stroller home that day, particularly irked that my father would even offer such a piece of advice. If anything, I could see us someday traveling around the world during their school breaks so that I could speak to groups of women. But stay home all day long with nowhere to go? That would literally be my worst nightmare.

Before we move into the nitty-gritty of alignment in this book, it’s crucial that we get everything out on the table by focusing on three very important things. First, in order to step into the fullness and abundance that is available to us in life, we have to get vulnerable. We need to admit what feels uncomfortable to us. And sometimes we also have to release our pride. Vulnerability and pride are like oil and water—they just don’t mix. Second, we need to develop an awareness of the emotions that certain phrases and comments bring up for us. It’s important that we become aware of what irks us, like the homeschooling comment my dad casually brought up, and get comfortable sitting with these feelings and unpacking where they are coming from. And third, we need to develop flexibility in our thinking. As the title of this chapter states, “Never Say Never,” it is important that we release absolutes in order to open ourselves up fully to opportunities that we may have once rejected but are really for us. Before we dive in, I am going to leave you with a verse to read out loud and meditate on. I want you to ask God to soften your heart, help you let down your guard, and open you up to flexible thinking and discernment.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Rom. 12:2)

Shedding Our Pride

We are going to be spending quite a bit of time together throughout these eight chapters. I’m also going to be getting pretty vulnerable with you because I know how impactful our stories can be on others. So can you do me a favor? I can’t actually hear you, but can you hold yourself accountable to really do this work? I always say, “Don’t waste what is in your hands,” so if you are going to read this book, do it wholeheartedly, immersing yourself in every page so that you can walk away with zero regrets rather than wishing you had paid a little more attention or practiced better intentionality. We will get into intentionality later in the book, but for now, just get honest with yourself in terms of pride. How is pride currently keeping you from living the abundant life God has for you? Are you struggling to apologize to your best friend after a misunderstanding? Are you having difficulty asking for help at your job because you’re afraid your boss will think you’re incapable of doing the work? Are you still in that volunteer position at your kids’ school not because you have the time or necessarily want to volunteer but because you’re afraid the other moms will think you’re a quitter? Get honest. We all have something we are doing that isn’t serving us, that is holding us back from living in full alignment, but that we continue to do because of our ugly pride.

Well, envision this. How would it feel to admit whatever it is you’re hiding and just speak the truth? Yes, this might ruffle some feathers, cause some people to feel angry or frustrated with you, maybe even push a loved one completely away for the time being, but, ultimately, the truth always wins. Maybe you’re like me and the person you are about to set off is actually yourself. You swore you would never believe or do a specific list of things, and now you’ve changed your mind, caught yourself red-handed, and are doing them.

Before we get started, it’s important we lean in to the power of being vulnerable. What does pride feel like inside? Pride feels like constant pressure and resistance, and when you carry it, you are on edge, tense, ready to fight and defend, and you have a closed stance and a closed mind. When you are vulnerable, you experience fullness and freedom. You are confident speaking your mind and feel as though you are no longer hiding or keeping secrets. You are inviting of conversation that includes differing opinions, and you are open to what’s to come next. Which way would you prefer to live? I know I would choose the second, hands down. However, pride can easily weasel its way back in at any time, so we need to intentionally practice vulnerability. Practicing at all times in the little things will prepare you for the things that feel much harder to stomach in the future.

So let’s go back to me taking offense to the suggestion of homeschooling. The year 2020 was when everything I had not just asked but begged God for was now in my hands. I had such high hopes for all I would accomplish in my writing and coaching career. I felt unstoppable and firmly rooted in making my goals a reality. Then in early March, three weeks into my kiddos now having full-time day care and my book launch, something shook not only our world but also my pride and my strategic plan. A mysterious virus called COVID-19 hit our country, and no one really knew what to do, leaving us all panicked. We were living in New York, and so our city was one of the first to experience a mandatory lockdown. So, um, yeah, that meant my worst nightmare was about to play out: everyone home, under the same roof, 24/7 for six weeks, which at the time I had no idea would turn out to be months. What did I do to deserve this jinx? Was this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Okay, in all seriousness, this was not about me. Families were clearly suffering—caring for sick loved ones and suffering loss, experiencing jobs being stripped away, and missing weddings, birthday celebrations, and even funerals. Everything that once seemed so secure no longer was.

My kiddos were not yet of school age, so instead of experiencing what I thought would be my big break, I laid down my career yet again to be the 2020 version of June Cleaver. And let’s just say I didn’t take this so gracefully—my pride was hurting big-time. And what does pride do? Pride eggs us on to kick and scream and hold on tightly to things that are no longer ours or that are no longer aligned with our life vision until we slowly can’t hold on any longer, lose grip, and watch what we were holding on to slip right out of our hands. You will hear me say this many times. One thing I am sure of is that God will always give us what we need, not necessarily what we want. I so love Isaiah 55:8–9, which says, “My plans aren’t your plans, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my plans than your plans” (CEB). Even though we can conceptualize this, it’s still not easy to accept that what we want is not always what God has planned for our lives. And to fully live out his promise for us, we have to set pride aside, begin living with an open heart and open hands, be ready and willing to lay down our egos, and take on what his plan is for us.

The year 2020 was a test for pretty much everyone. It was the year when many things became clear. Family members were forced to face one another every waking minute of the day, and those living alone were faced with the loudness of their internal dialogue 24/7. Big, grand plans were stripped away from us. This was a recipe for disaster, but also an opportunity for self-discovery, with new truths being uncovered. Being locked inside, left to face myself, my feelings, and my family, I was met with a deeper truth, insight, and 20/20 vision. I began to see God soften my heart, strip me of my self-centered career plans, and call me to quit chasing all that I had been wanting. I felt him calling me to, quite honestly, the opposite of what I had prayed for. I had wanted opportunities to speak and use my voice in the business world outside the home, but instead he was calling me to stay planted and use my voice within my home. Yet, I resisted. My pride told me, “I can still do it all. Even with kids home, I’ll figure it out. I always do. I can’t fail my first book launch. I need to get my voice out there so I can make an impact in this world.” And so, even in the midst of a global pandemic, my pride convinced me that I could still make this grand plan happen, until God showed me who was really in charge. I mean, come on, we ultimately know it’s always his way or the highway.

When I tried to force something, each time he responded with a subtle, “I told you so. Just stop already.” Here are a few examples. Waking up at 3:30 a.m. to film videos and then losing them. Scheduling podcast interviews for 9 p.m. when the kids should be fast asleep but the dog had a barking fit at a leaf blowing in the wind in the backyard resulting in awake and screaming children. My husband having an emergency work meeting that needed to be kid-free when I was scheduled to present a training. You get the picture. I was forcing something that God was trying to show me was no longer lining up with his plan for me. In that moment, I clearly felt him impressing on my heart these words: “Kate, these gifts are all for you, but not for you right now. Don’t force what you can’t control. Embrace this season with your small children home with you. Focus on only the present and stop trying to strategize how to make this all work. Just be still and let me do the work for you.” Ouch, that was hard to hear. I wasn’t ready to have to be flexible again. I wanted things my way—my very specific plans.

But it was a wake-up call and very clearly revealed that I was forcing life to happen. I was no longer living in alignment—a life of provision, a full heart, an unshakable faith, security in his plan and the path he has placed me on, fullness, joy, and peace. I wasn’t experiencing any of this, had quickly lost my grip, and was now feeling lost. Life felt really hard. Everything was an uphill battle. I needed to release my pride, quit the inflexible thinking, and begin leaning in to his direction again. And so the journey of getting back into alignment began.

What are you pridefully holding on to today that you sense God is trying to tell you to release? Maybe you’re in a place similar to the place I was in, having big, grand plans but sensing him telling you to lay those plans down. Maybe it is a failed business you swore you’d never give up on. You did everything you could to make the business work, but for some reason, you sense God trying to show you that it’s no longer for you. Or maybe like me you scoffed at the idea of homeschooling, but you sense that home is where God wants your family in this season. It’s crucial that we tune in to his still and steady voice, release the chains that have kept us captive, and surrender to him. When day care reopened six weeks after lockdown but I felt God impress on my heart not to send the kiddos back, I thought maybe I was losing my mind. It didn’t make sense, but I was confident that I felt the call to keep them home, which was the opposite of what I had wanted just six weeks prior. My pride made keeping them home a tough decision, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was the right decision. Did it sting my pride? You bet it did, but being vulnerable will soften your heart as well.

Living with pride is lonely. In order to step into a full and abundant life, we need to get vulnerable. We need to admit that what was once for us is no longer for us. We need to release the pressure we put on ourselves to woman up, to stick with it, to not be a quitter and lay it down at the feet of our Father. You know that relief you feel when you apologize after a nasty fight with your partner? How you feel when you confess that you were being slightly stubborn saying his home decorating taste was lame and not letting him put up the baseball poster you caught him attempting to hang in his office and that how you think it looks really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things? Tiny example, but when we can surrender, lay aside our pride, and be vulnerable to receiving feedback or criticism, that’s when fullness is able to flow into our lives. It certainly stings hearing your partner call you controlling over a silly baseball poster, but it’s also freeing when you can set your own stuff aside, admit that maybe you blew it out of proportion, and accept the truth—that in the grand scheme of things, the poster is not going to harm anyone.

Tuning In to What Irks Us

Something I’ve learned over the last few years is to pay close attention when something triggers or stirs an out-of-proportion reaction in me, because it’s usually not for nothing. When we can remain confidently detached from a comment, interaction, or situation, it’s typically a sign that it has very little to no power over us. Here’s an illustration. I drive a Ford F-150, and for those of you who are not familiar, it’s a very large truck! We have it because it fits all the kids and does double duty as a construction vehicle for our income properties. Quite often when people see me driving it or it comes up in conversation, they will say something like, “Wow, that truck is huge!” Well, guess what? I have zero connection to that comment and couldn’t care less whether they say my mode of transportation is big, small, old, or new—I just really don’t care. On the other hand, something else that’s huge and has been commented on that does stir up emotion for me is my pregnant belly. I’m not a very large person to begin with, but when pregnant, I tend to carry quite heavily in the belly region. And not if but when people comment on the largeness of my belly, unlike the truck comment, it does stir something up for me. Deep down it hits a nerve because it has emotional attachment—going way back to my history of an eating disorder and a fear of being seen as “big.” See the difference?

So as you’re on this path to living a more honest, open, full, and intentional life, it’s important that you don’t discount when feelings are triggered and surface. We have to allow ourselves to sit with our feelings and process our thoughts about them. Here are two questions to help you. First, can you sense why a comment or experience is bothering you? And second, is your pride attaching this comment or experience to a past story? Going back to the homeschool comment, it brought to my mind, “Good moms dedicate their lives to raising their children; therefore, homeschooling would make me a good mom.” But then on the flip side, what it also brought up was ego. “But I worked so hard to get to where I am in my career. I can’t fail my launch plan. I’ll be disappointing others who are counting on me. And will I look like a failure or that I don’t care about my career if I were to take time off to be home with my kids? After all this work I’ve done, how will others perceive me?” And still, part of me did want to spend more time with my kiddos. I think no matter where you are in life, part of you always slightly aches for the thing you did not choose.

In most instances, fixed, inflexible thinking or pride will always end up winning unless we work hard at making a conscious effort to avoid it. My vision was so murky that I saw career success and financially providing for my family as what would bring me fulfillment. And my ego wanted that to be true. However, when I sensed that weird tension come up with that comment, I knew there was more to it. So I tuned out the noise, got vulnerable, and allowed the Holy Spirit to show me that I was making career choices not from a place of freedom but from a place of not wanting others to view me as a failure. And that was not easy to take, especially as I wasn’t so willing to lay down my career plans that quickly. I had to e...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Endorsements
• Half Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Introduction
• 1. Never Say Never
• 2. Quit Ignoring Your Gut (And No, It’s Not Your Lunch)
• 3. Bye-Bye, People Pleasing
• 4. Stop the Worry Cycle
• 5. You Don’t Need Permission (You’re a Grown-Up)
• 6. Stop Overcomplicating Your Life—It Doesn’t Have to Be Hard
• 7. Bet on Yourself
• 8. Clear the Clutter and Get Intentional
• Conclusion
• Acknowledgments
• About the Author
• Back Ads
• Back Cover