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CHAPTER 1
The Ebb and Flow of Your Relationships
âSometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.â
âAnonymous
âA successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.â
âMignon McLaughlin
Relationships come and go like tides. You have fun⌠jump, swim, and laugh together in the waves of bliss. But, beware! There are rip currents that can pull you out, cause you to become temporarily disoriented, and put you in danger. When that happens, you need to swim harder and faster to get back to shoreâŚyour comfort zone. Beware of the undertows, which can drag you down and pull you under. RelaxâŚit is temporaryâŚBREATHEâŚyou will pop back up. Once you land on shore there is a sense of calmness and you can regroup. Like a sand crab, you learn to keep your balance in the ever-moving sand of life.
Iâve helped many clients who have a range of relationship issues. You may be experiencing minor issues related to communication, romance, moods, habits, or work and family balance that can be resolved easily. Other, more complicated issues require more time and work to resolve. Whether youâre facing a minor or major issue, taking one shot is better than doing nothing at all. One step moves you into action. That action step will move you closer to a strategic plan of action toward resolution.
COMMUNICATION
Kiss Your FrogâŚTurn Him Into A Handsome Prince!!
Women, you donât have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. He is already your prince. Sometimes we just need to sprinkle a little fairy dust. Often, over time, your relationship may become boring or just routine.
For example, women say that their significant other would make positive gestures such as opening the car door, writing notes, buying flowers, and giving many compliments. What happens a year or two later? He still does everything except buying flowers. She is okay with it because he still does the other things. A year later he eliminates another gesture, and she is still okay because of the remaining two acts of kindness. However, what happens when he stops doing all of them?
She begins to focus on the fact that he doesnât do any of the things he did in the beginning of the relationship; therefore, she is sad. When this sadness increases, the relationship may begin to feel frayed. The same holds true for the woman who stops doing complimentary acts toward her significant other.
Many people feel as though keeping a relationship alive and healthy is difficult. However, it is not. It takes a minute or less per day to keep your relationship fun, positive, and loving. SoâŚwhy donât we do it? We tend to get off track because weâre preoccupied with daily family and work obligations. The day-to-day responsibilities can certainly take over.
Men, that may be the key to MAKE THE GLASS SLIPPER FIT! Your wife already has the glass slipper. Maybe it is just temporarily misplaced. Itâs lost in the chaos of family and work balance. I have worked with many people who say their partner doesnât notice the other individual. They seem to âlose that spark.â Think of the previous story. Once you begin to see the decline in the positives, you need to bring it to your partnerâs attention. The number one issue is effective communication. So many people have lost the ability to communicate, or communicate effectively. When we are sad, we tend to become withdrawn. When we are angry, we tend to argue or fight. When we are content, we tend to be silent. And when we are happy, we tend to be busy with events, family fun times, or having our own âme time.â
The other issue is fatigue. We get so busy taking children to their activities, with home obligations, with work, etc., that we become disinterested in one another at the end of the day. Thatâs why we need to continually work on keeping relationships alive with minimal effort.
ROMANCE
How do we keep the romance alive?
Women: CHANGE YOUR LIPSTICK!
Take your shot to remind your partner how beautiful you are. Sound silly? Many men who have gone through my coaching program have indicated that their wives donât seem to put forth the effort of looking âextra niceâ compared to the beginning of their relationship. I personally know many women (though not all of them) who admit that they canât wait to âget comfyâ as soon as they get home. Thatâs totally justified. These suggestions are just some helpful, easy tips to try. It is a shot toward change.
Take a shot by doing something. Changing lipstick is only one small suggestion. Itâs not about the lipstick; it is recognizing that something needs to change. I had a client change her lipstick and it actually made her feel better. She said that her husband noticed the change and he liked it as well. A win-win for both!!
Do you feel there are issues between you and your spouse? Even if your relationship is doing well, keep all of these easy suggestions in the forefront of your mind in case you ever feel as though you need a little boost to keep the spark alive. Think of all the âlittleâ things you can do to make a ânotice meâ change.
As for you menâŚCHANGE YOUR COLOGNE! The cologne is your shot! Even if your partner doesnât notice, you can begin to communicate why you feel the need to make a change. There you have itâyour second shot. Learning effective communication in your relationship will allow it to be a 3-pointer. Many people feel that they are good communicators, but effective communication is actually very complex because emotions tend to get in the way. Learning valuable ways to get your point across without pulling in negative emotion is something that should be included in your strategic plan of action. However, you can begin by letting your partner know that you recognize something needs to change.
Tiny physical changes make a difference. There are those who want to make bigger, physical changes and thatâs great, but donât get caught up in the thought process that change needs to be big. Any effort is great, so give it a try!
The other issue as to why your spouse has turned into a frog or has lost the slipper is because the person is making unflattering comments or behavior. Many people in relationships get so comfortable that they tend to blurt out comments when they are tired, frustrated, or simply having a bad day. Start to pay attention to what you say. Negative comments can turn into emotional abuse so BEWARE AND BE AWARE! Recognizing your own actions is the first step to repairing negativity. Once you become âawareâ you will become heightened to âbeware.â That is the scary recognition about what can negatively happen. Heighten your awareness to your surroundings. How you communicate, or donât communicate, can make all the difference. Keeping romance alive requires a combination of physical changes, effective communication, and behavioral modification.
Maybe you just feel stuck or you need something different. GET A NEW DO! When we get a new hairstyle, we generally feel good. However, there are those times it doesnât turn out so well. Try to rememberâŚitâs just hair. It will grow. I myself felt as though I needed a change, so while on vacation I made an appointment at the hair salon in our hotel. WellâŚbe careful what you ask for. Change is what happened. It was the worst haircut ever, but I laughed. I knew it would grow out and my husband was very supportive. I found different ways to style it so I wouldnât focus on how short it was. I actually had to place bobby pins in it every day for eight months so it didnât look like I had wings.
Iâve talked to many men and women who get a new hairstyle and their spouse hates it. So, what happens? Someone gets their feelings hurt. If your spouse tries something new, be supportive. Understand that it can be fixed or that it will grow out. Remember, I will continually remind you that every problem has a solution.
As a coach, I provide strategic plans of action to assist people with change, both personally and professionally. However, to implement those types of changes, you always need to begin slowlyâŚtake the first shot. In coaching we call it âbreaking it downâ into manageable pieces. The first shot is a small step to making change. The reason the first step or shot is the most important is because you are proving to yourself that you have the ability to begin setting a new goal with new behavioral patterns. Remember, if I hand you a big plan, it wonât work until I get to know your strengths, weaknesses, habits, etc. As I have stressed, that first shot will motivate you, and any step toward improvement is amazing.
AWARENESS
The initial step in every situation is recognizing what needs to be changed. Once you take that step, youâll then have the ability to take a shot. That shot is action. Sometimes, you will take a shot and miss. Donât be discouraged if your spouse doesnât recognize the new lipstick or cologne. You may have to make a second attempt at your shot.
Think back to the beginning or when things were better. Whatâs different? Many people have had difficult relationships while others havenât. However, it is easy for a relationship to experience difficulty without us realizing it. Try hard not to blame the other person. We tend to be able to recognize negative patterns in others, but the real improvement is when we recognize what we are doing wrong. We can ALL do things better. So, OWN IT AND OUTLINE IT! Owning what you do wrong is an amazing shot. It is taking 100% responsibility for your actions⌠pastâŚpresentâŚand future!! The mistakes you have made in the past come from habits and fears and affect what you are still doing wrong in the present. Being in an abusive relationship tends to make you feel sorry for yourself. I know I used to feel like, âWhy me? Iâm a good person who doesnât deserve this.â However, once I realized I needed to take ownership of my role, I was able to overcome the selfpity. I needed to understand and own the fact that I allowed the behavior. Once you allow abuse, in any manner, you become part of the problem.
Once you recognize behavior from past mistakes, you will be able to alter what you are presently doing wrong. The recognition will provide you with insight to see how your actions will affect you going forward (future). Owning it will allow you to put preventative measures in place for positive growth. Taking ownership of negative behavior is a basic fundamental principle toward happiness and success. Why? Because you canât make positive changes without realizing what you are doing wrong and where the behavior comes from.
Once you begin to change it is easy to implement small acts of kindness. There are many small things that take minimal effort to let your spouse know that you love and appreciate him or her. SHARPEN YOUR PENCIL! When we begin our workweek after a nice weekend, we allow the responsibilities to override positivity and appreciation. Buy some sticky notes: you can write things likeâŚ
âI love you.â
âHave a great day!â
âI appreciate you.â
âWe are going to have the best weekâŚever.â
You can also write notes to say you are sorry. If you have difficulty discussing argumentative scenarios, it is sometimes easier to write your thoughts.
So, you see, there are many simple, short notes you can write. And since we all have cell phones,
CAPTURE THEIR HEART! It only takes seconds to send a text message or emoji that will make your spouse feel great. You can also do things like that for your children. Place a sticky note in their backpack or on their bed. I used to write a note to my children and place it in their lunchbox. Then to really capture their heart, I would take a bite out of the middle of their sandwich. Just a small one
. It certainly made an impact because one day when my son was home from college, I made him a sandwich and he just stared at it. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, âI donât think I can eat it. It doesnât have a bite taken out.â So, as you can see, quick, little notes (and little bites) make a huge difference. Itâs a shot to show you love them.
So often we get caught up in emotion, which becomes a part of our behavioral patterns. We tend to react if something isnât good enough. So, when disappointment sets in⌠EAT THE BURNT TOAST!
I read a nice story about a wife who made burnt toast for her spouse and child. After the husband ate the toast, he told her it was the best toast he ever had. When the wife walked away, the child asked the father why he told the mom he liked it when he knew it was burnt. The father said, âShe went out of her way to make it for us.â So⌠eat the burnt toast and appreciate the effort. A very high percentage of people would complain or throw it away. Try to think about the effectiveness of how that positive reaction will change her day. Also, think of the impact it would have on the child. Win-win for all!
LAUGHTER
Eating the burnt toast is your shot to appreciating who and what you have. If you donât appreciate the idiosyncrasies, then your thought process will grow exponentially in a negative manner. You wouldnât notice that you could take two immediate shots at making someone feel great. After you âeat the burnt toastâ you can incorporate happiness with laughter. LAUGHâITâS THE BEST MEDICINE!
âAn optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets to laugh.â
âTom Nansbury
There are so many shots you can take relative to laughter. To overcome small irritants, you can incorporate laughter. I am an OCD person, which is a difficult quality because I get out of my comfort zone when things arenât neat and organized. With OCD, you have an added level of stress, especially if you are surrounded by people who donât have it. Simple things like leaving a drawer open, forgetting to throw Keurig cups in the garbage, failing to push a chair in, clothes laying around, and basic clutter creates negativity for me.
I work on myself every day, so the first step was to realize those types of things are my issue (remember, I talked about recognizing). I would continually be upset with others if I didnât find a way to cope. So, I incorporated laughter. I display solutions to present a way to fix each one without turning it into anger and frustration. Instead of complaining I would say, âWatch.â Then I would throw the Keurig cup in the garbage and make a silly sound. After a while, they would throw it away and make the same sound. Or, I would twirl around and push the drawers closed with my feet and hands. I know it sounds silly, but the way I displayed myself helped them realize it only takes seconds to complete the tasks. The silliness lightened the mood and avoided an argument. The end result: they laugh at the silly presentation, and it restores harmony. Everyone wins.
If your spouse has a bad day and negativity is presenting itself, there are many small things you can do to âtake a shotâ at diffusing the situation. Find something you can do together that will LIGHTEN THE LOAD! This is a shot to remove pressure of responsibility by helping your spouse. Understand what the other person is experiencing and watch for signs so you can recognize the irritant. Take over and take control. Think about the things that can overwhelm us. We become anxious if we have a lot of responsibilities and not enough time to accomplish those tasks. Remove some of the burden with daily obligations by helping with dishes, laundry, or outdoor chores. Be the better spouse.
Donât just stop there. After you have helped, your spou...
