No Stars in the Sky

Martha Bátiz

• Publisher: astoria
• Year: 2022
• Print ISBN: 9781487010027
• eBook ISBN: 9781487010034
• Subtopic: Women in Fiction

"Profoundly moving and beautifully written . . . each story is its own universe that transports the reader through the characters' joy and pain." — Amy Stuart  

The nineteen stories in No Stars in the Sky feature strong but damaged female characters in crisis. Tormented by personal conflicts and oppressive regimes that treat the female body like a trophy of war, the women in No Stars in the Sky face life-altering circumstances that either shatter or make them stronger, albeit at a very high price. True to her Latin American roots, Bátiz shines a light on the crises that concern her most: the plight of migrant children along the Mexico–U.S. border, the tragedy of the disappeared in Mexico and Argentina, and the generalized racial and domestic violence that has turned life into a constant struggle for survival. With an unflinching hand, Bátiz explores the breadth of the human condition to expose silent tragedies too often ignored.

ALSO BY MARTHA BÁTIZ

Plaza Requiem

Boca de lobo / Damiana’s Reprieve

De tránsito

La primera taza de café

A todos los voy a matar

Copyright © 2022 Martha Bátiz.

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This edition published by arrangement with VF Agencia Literaria.

Published in Canada in 2022 and the USA in 2022 by House of Anansi Press Inc.

www.houseofanansi.com

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All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

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House of Anansi Press is a Global Certified Accessible™ (GCA by Benetech) publisher. The ebook version of this book meets stringent accessibility standards and is available to students and readers with print disabilities.

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Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Title: No stars in the sky : stories / Martha Bátiz.

Names: Bátiz Zuk, Martha Beatriz, author.

Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20220132887 | Canadiana (ebook) 20220132925 |

ISBN 9781487010027 (softcover) | ISBN 9781487010034 (EPUB)

Classification: LCC PS8603.A865 N6 2022 | DDC C813/.6—dc23

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Book design: Lucia Kim

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House of Anansi Press respectfully acknowledges that the land on which we operate is the Traditional Territory of many Nations, including the Anishinabeg, the Wendat, and the Haudenosaunee. It is also the Treaty Lands of the Mississaugas of the Credit.

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We acknowledge for their financial support of our publishing program the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council, and the Government of Canada.

For Edgar, Ivana, Natalia, and Marco: the loves of my life.

For my Fairy Godmother, Dr. Gillian Bartlett.

Dear Reader:

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These stories, like so many stories in the world, were born out of personal pain. They are also a way of expressing my sadness and outrage at certain political and social injustices taking place around us, particularly in Latin America. The details in these stories are fictional but reflect disturbing realities. Make no mistake: these realities disturb me, too. Pain that goes unspoken and unseen cannot ever heal, so it is important to face it, to confront it, no matter how hard that may be. That is precisely why I worked so hard to turn the stories that comprise No Stars in the Sky into an accurate reflection of our time. It would have been dishonest of me to sugar-coat certain situations to make them more palatable. If you are triggered by violence against women, suicide, racism, injustice, and loss, perhaps it would be wise for you to sit this book out. But if you are ready to catch a glimpse of strong characters making the best of their lives against all odds, it will be my honour to guide you on a journey that, I hope, will leave you forever changed.

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Muchas gracias,

Martha Bátiz

Toronto, 2022

Jason

“You can’t stay there forever,” Ben says, trying to muffle his desperation.

Ben is losing his patience. He looks so much like Jason right now. Or rather, Jason looked like him. Same pointy nose and ears, almost elfin, and the same blue eyes. I touch the wall. Blue Lagoon 2054-40 — a colour I chose after many visits to the hardware store comparing samples. I wanted to sleep engulfed in the balminess of those blue eyes. I wanted that blue to watch me, to touch me, to be with me. I close my hand into a fist and punch the wall. It hurts. I discover a bit of paint missing around an old nail and scratch at it, revealing the white drywall beneath. My index finger bleeds a little and I enjoy it. I want to peel off the paint, to peel off my skin.

Ben breathes through his teeth, loudly, and leaves. I am relieved and as I peel tiny lagoons of paint off the wall, I remember Jason talking about crabs. How they outgrow their shells and shed them.

“It’s called molting,” he’d said, and I wish I had videotaped him saying it so I could hear his eight-year-old voice again. Molting. It can take months, sometimes. How long will it take me to peel the paint from the entire bedroom?

Ben was right: I cannot stay in bed forever. I must use the washroom. A stranger gazes back at me when I look into the mirror. My eyebrows have gone grey, yet I got my period this morning. What a joke, I think, to have my body remind me at this precise moment that I am empty inside. I inspect my greasy hair, my swollen eyes. The few hairs that grow on my chin have decided not to match my eyebrows and are still black and coarse. I wish my entire body were covered in hair, like thorns. Perhaps it would make me stronger.

The red stains on my underwear take me back to the days when I used to lie on medical tables, feet in the stirrups, my body a war zone where injections, bloodletting, ultrasounds, medications, prayers, and sperm failed to create the miracle of life. Ben masturbating in the room next door, looking at naked women (and men?) who were nothing like us, while I lay open-legged in front of yet another doctor who promised us success. And then, when we were about to give up, a faint hormone count, a linea nigra writing a promise from my pubic bone to my belly button, my breasts full of hope and milk, and Jason, finally, after nine long months, in my arms. I suppress the urge to open the photo albums and inspect our pictures. I know my favourites by heart: the one where Ben is hugging me from behind, cradling my pregnant belly; the one where we’re together, crying with joy, holding our newborn baby; the one where you can clearly tell, for the first time, that Jason will have his father’s deep blue eyes.

My arms hurt. Their emptiness hurts. So do the bruises. I’ve been wearing long sleeves, so Ben doesn’t notice that I’ve been pinching my arms — pinching them out of hatred, because there is now nothing for them to hold.

I go back to bed and look up at the ceiling. I regret having paid extra for the smooth finish. A textured ceiling would be more interesting to look at. The room at my mother’s house when I was growing up had what is called a popcorn finish. I can picture it perfectly because, after my first boyfriend broke up with me, I spent three weeks in bed, crying, listening to Edith Piaf records, and wondering what had gone wrong and how would I manage to continue living. Everything hurts so much when you’re sixteen. Everything seems so hopeless. I remember driving my father’s car at full speed thinking I wanted to crash. I remember wanting to walk into traffic at a busy intersection. What stopped me? And why didn’t it stop him?

“How was school?” I asked, serving Jason a spoonful of mashed potatoes, his favourite.

“Fine, but I’m not hungry,” he replied, leaving the plate untouched.

I should have known something was wrong then. I should have insisted that he eat. But I had been sixteen once and self-conscious about my weight, so I tried to be understanding. He was a straight-A student, popular among his friends. Why worry? Ben was happy to eat whatever our son didn’t want — “Dad’s like that little dinosaur under the Flintstones’s kitchen sink that eats everything,” Jason used to say — so I let it be. Then he stopped showering. He started skipping classes. His grades dropped.

“Where were you? The principal called,” I’d scolded him. But instead of answering, he rushed up to his bedroom and slammed the door behind him. Why hadn’t I run after him to demand an answer? I did, once, and he pushed me so hard I almost fell down the stairs. We didn’t tell Ben. Jason apologized, looked genuinely frightened. We were both afraid.

I clench my teeth now at the memory. My eyes well up, and by the time Ben comes into the room I am curled up in a corner of the bed.

“Let’s get you in the shower, babe. Come on,” he says, gently. I curl up even tighter, pretending to be a millipede. Jason would have been able to read my body. He was the one who taught me about millipedes to begin with. I want to be one, but Ben won’t let me. He pulls the bedsheets away and I let out a whimper.

“You smell bad. I’ll get the bed clean for you,” Ben says, his blue eyes fixed on mine. Only then do I notice his hair has gone grey, too. He reminds me of his father. He’s holding the stained blanket in his hand. “I need to wash this.”

I bring my nose to my armpit, then lift the T-shirt to my nose and inhale. A knot curls up in my throat.

“It doesn’t smell like him anymore, Ben!”

He drops the blanket and sits down beside me, possibly trying to decide whether to hug me or not. I cry harder.

“I’ll bring you another shirt from his drawer,” he says.

But I don’t want that. I want one from his laundry hamper. I want one that smells like him. Like his teenage deodorant and cologne and sweat. Only his dirty clothes hold traces of his life. I want to wear him.

Ben holds up a tissue for me and I blow my nose. I dry my eyes. He leads me to the washroom and turns on the shower. I let him undress me, forgetting about the bruises on my arms.

“What happened here? What have you been doing to yourself?” he asks, looking at me with pity and concern. I don’t know how to answer, so I hug the T-shirt I’ve been wearing for days until the water is warm enough for me to get in. Ben applies shampoo to my hair, washes my body with soap.

I remember how I used to wash Jason’s body when he was little. It was always a struggle to get him into the water because he’d rather keep playing with his toys or watching TV.

“Jason! Bath time!” I would call from upstairs.

His usual reply of “Not yet!” was almost a ritual, repeating itself until I lost my patience and went downstairs to fetch him.

“I’m a T-Rex and I’m going to get you!” I roared.

Jason would laugh and correct me: “You’re more like a diplodocus, Mom. But good try!”

I’d pretend to get angry and we’d both go upstairs, laughing. Then he would get in the water and enjoy the touch of my hands as I rubbed his back and lathered his scalp. I loved the aroma of his freshly washed hair, the lotion I applied to his body. I make a mental note to buy more of it so I can inhale and think of him.

The silence in the bathroom brings me back to the present. I wonder what Ben’s thinking about. I know not to ask because he always gives me the strangest answers. Like that time after dinner, when I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, “The Romans.” Who thinks about the Romans? I’m about to ask if he remembers how much Jason enjoyed the loofah when he tells me to take my time rinsing while he changes the bedsheets. He leaves before I can ask any questions. I panic — which bedsheets? Jason’s? But I need those. I’ll sleep better if I can curl up against the shape of his body. I rush out of the shower to tell Ben I want to sleep in Jason’s room, but I slip and fall, making everything wet around me.

“Where are you going?” Ben asks, exasperated. “Why couldn’t you wait?”

“The bedsheets! I want Jason’s bedsheets.” I mumble, ashamed.

Ben looks at me, annoyed, concerned.

“The ones that were on his bed?”

I nod.

“Don’t you remember?”

I shake my head. Remember what?

“You buried him in them. You wanted his coffin to have his bedsheets and his blanket. You wanted him to —”

I feel my eyes opening wide.

“To be more comfortable,” I say, my voice cracking at the memory of Jason’s empty bed. I remember asking the lady at the funeral home to make sure he was covered, to keep him warm. My son never liked the cold, I told her. He was scared of the dark.

“Come on, get up. Are you hurt?” Ben helps me to my feet. “Careful with the puddle on the floor,” he adds, as if water could hurt me, as if there was anything else in the world that could hurt me.

I am back in bed, looking at the dismal, featureless ceiling. I wish it were a movie screen where I could replay our happiest moments with Jason. His first birthday. The unexpected instant he touched the sand at the beach and raised his foot up saying, “Ew! Gross!” The moment he learned to ride a bike. When he bit into a hot dog and lost his first tooth. All those times he talked about spiders and crocodiles. The nights he came to our bed, right here, and cuddled up between ...

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