XV. SAINT HUBERT
The Bleat the Bark Bellow & Roar
Are Waves that Beat on Heavens Shore.
My Venus is damaged, or in exile, thatās what you say of a Planet that canāt be found in the sign where it should be. Whatās more, Pluto is in a negative aspect to Venus, and in my case Pluto rules the Ascendant. The result of this situation is that I have, as I see it, Lazy Venus syndrome. Thatās what I call this Conformity. In this case weāre dealing with a Person whom fortune has gifted generously, but who has entirely failed to use their potential. Such People are bright and intelligent, but donāt apply themselves to their studies, and use their intelligence to play card games or patience instead. They have beautiful bodies, but they destroy them through neglect, poison themselves with harmful substances, and ignore doctors and dentists.
This Venus induces a strange kind of laziness ā lifetime opportunities are missed, because you overslept, because you didnāt feel like going, because you were late, because you were neglectful. Itās a tendency to be sybaritic, to live in a state of mild semi-consciousness, to fritter your life away on petty pleasures, to dislike effort and be devoid of any penchant for competition. Long mornings, unopened letters, things put off for later, abandoned projects. A dislike of any authority and a refusal to submit to it, going your own way in a taciturn, idle manner. You could say such people are of no use at all.
Perhaps if I had made an effort, I would have gone back to school in September, but I couldnāt summon the strength to pull myself together. I was sorry the children had lost a whole monthās teaching. But what could I do? I was aching all over.
I couldnāt return to work until October. By then I felt so much better that I organized an English club twice a week, and helped my pupils to make up for the lost lessons. But it was impossible to work normally. In October children started being excused from my lessons because preparations were at full steam for the opening and consecration of a newly built chapel. It was to be consecrated to Hubert on his saintās day, 3 November. I refused to let the children go. Iād rather they learned a few more English words than the lives of the saints by heart. But the young headmistress intervened.
āYouāre exaggerating. There are certain priorities,ā she said, sounding as if she didnāt believe in what she was saying.
To my mind, the word āpriorityā is just as ugly as ācadaverā or ācohabiteeā, but I really didnāt want to quarrel with her, either about excusing the children or about words.
āNaturally youāll be at the consecration of the chapel, wonāt you?ā she said.
āIām not a Catholic.ā
āIt doesnāt matter. Weāre all Catholics by culture, whether we like it or not. So please come.ā
I wasnāt prepared for this particular argument, so I said nothing. The children and I made up for the missing lessons at the afternoon club.
Dizzy was interrogated twice more, and finally was given notice to quit his job by mutual agreement. He was only going to work until the end of the year. He was given some vague justification, staff reductions, cutbacks, the usual excuses. People like Dizzy are always the first to be eliminated. But I think it had something to do with his statements. Was he a suspect? Dizzy wasnāt bothered about it. He had already decided to become a translator. He planned to live off translating Blakeās poetry. How wonderful ā to translate from one language to another, and by so doing to bring people closer to one another ā what a beautiful idea.
He was also conducting his own enquiry, and no wonder ā everyone was anxiously waiting for the Police to make new discoveries, revelations that would put an end to this string of deaths once and for all. For this purpose he even went to see Mrs Innerd and the Presidentās wife, and tracked the murder victimsā movements as much as he could.
We knew that all three had died from a heavy blow to the head, but it wasnāt clear what sort of Tool could have inflicted it. We speculated that it may just have been a piece of wood, a thick branch perhaps, but that would have left specific evidence on the skin. Instead it looked as if a large object with a hard, smooth surface had been used. On top of that, the Police had found trace amounts of Animal blood at the point of impact, probably from a Deer.
āI was right,ā I insisted once again. āItās the Deer, you see?ā
Dizzy was tending towards a Hypothesis that the murders must be to do with settling scores. It was a known fact that the Commandant was on his way back from Innerdās house that evening, and that Innerd had given him a bribe.
āMaybe Innerd caught up with him and tried to take back the money, so they tussled, the Commandant fell, then Innerd took fright and dropped the idea of looking for the cash,ā said Dizzy pensively.
āBut who murdered Innerd?ā asked Oddball philosophically.
To tell the truth, I liked the concept of evil people who eliminate each other, in a chain.
āHmm, maybe it was the President?ā fantasized Oddball again.
It looked as if the Commandant had been covering up Innerdās crimes. But whether the President had anything to do with it, we had no idea. If the President killed Innerd, then who killed the President? The motive of revenge on all three of them was a possibility, and in this case too it was probably to do with business dealings. Could the gossip about the mafia be true? Did the Police have any proof of it? It was highly possible that other policemen were mixed up in these sinister practices too, and that was why the enquiry was making such slow progress.
I had stopped talking about my own Theory. Indeed, Iād just been exposing myself to ridicule. The Grey Lady was right ā people are only capable of understanding what they invent for themselves and feed on. The idea of a conspiracy among people from the provincial authorities, corrupt and demoralized, fitted the sort of story the television and the newspapers revelled in reporting. Neither the newspapers nor the television are interested in Animals, unless a Tiger escapes from the zoo.
The winter starts straight after All Saintsā Day. Thatās the way here; the autumn takes away all her Tools and toys, shakes off the leaves ā they wonāt be needed any more ā sweeps them under the field boundary, and strips the colours from the grass until it goes dull and grey. Then everything becomes black against white: snow falls on the ploughed fields.
āDrive your plow over the bones of the dead,ā I said to myself in the words of Blake; is that how it went?
I stood in the window and watched natureās high-speed housework until dusk fell, and from then on the march of winter proceeded in darkness. Next morning I fetched out my down jacket, the red one from Good Newsā shop, and my woollen hats.
The Samuraiās windows were coated in hoar frost, still young, very fine and delicate, like a cosmic mycelium. Two days after All Saintsā I drove to town, with the aim of visiting Good News and buying some snow boots. From now on one had to be prepared for the worst. The sky hung low, as usual at this time of year. Not all the votive candles at the cemeteries had burned out yet, and through the wire fence I could see the coloured lights flickering in the daytime, as if with these feeble little flames people were trying to assist the Sun as it weakened in Scorpio. Pluto had taken control of the World. It made me feel sad. Yesterday I had written emails to my gracious employers to say that this year I would no longer be taking on the task of caring for their houses in winter.
I was on my way before I remembered that today was 3 November, and that there would be celebrations in town for Saint Hubertās Day.
Whenever some dubious rip-off is organized, they always drag children into it from the very start. I remember them doing the same thing to us for the communist-era 1 May parade. Long, long ago. Now the children were obliged to take part in the KÅodzko County Children and Young Adultsā Creative Arts Contest, on the theme: āSaint Hubert as the model modern ecologistā, and then in a show about the life and death of the saint. I had written a letter on this matter to the education board in October, but I hadnāt had an answer. I regarded this ā like so many things ā as scandalous.
There were lots of cars parked along the road, which reminded me about the mass, and I decided to go into the church to see the result of the lengthy autumn preparations that had caused so much harm to my English lessons. I glanced at my watch, and realized the mass had already started.
I happen to have occasionally entered a church and sat there in peace a while with the people. Iāve always liked the fact that people can be together in there, without having to talk to one another. If they could chat, theyād instantly start telling each other nonsense, or gossip, theyād start making things up and showing off. But here they sit in the pews, each one deep in thought, mentally reviewing what has happened lately and imagining whatās going to happen soon. Like this, they monitor their own lives. Just like everyone else, I would sit in a pew and sink into a sort of semi-conscious state. My thoughts would move idly, as if coming from outside me, from other peopleās heads, or maybe from the heads of the wooden angels positioned nearby. Every time, something new occurred to me, something different than if I were doing my thinking at home. In this way the church is a good place.
Sometimes I have felt as if I could read the minds of the other people in here if I wanted to. On several occasions I seemed to hear other peopleās thoughts: āWhat pattern should we have for the new wallpaper in the bedroom? Is the smooth kind better, or the kind thatās stamped with a subtle design? The money in my account is earning too little interest, other banks give better rates, first thing on Monday I must check their offers and transfer the cash. Where does she get her money from? How can she afford the things sheās wearing? Maybe they donāt eat, they just spend all their income on her clothes⦠How much heās aged, how grey heās gone! To think he was once the best-looking man in the village. But now what? Heās a wreck⦠Iāll tell the doctor straight ā I want a sick note⦠No way, I shall never agree to anything of the kind, I wonāt be treated like a childā¦ā
And would there be anything wrong with such thoughts? Are mine any different? Itās a good thing that God, if he exists, and even if he doesnāt, gives us a place where we can think in peace. Perhaps thatās the whole point of prayer ā to think to yourself in peace, to want nothing, to ask for nothing, but simply to sort out your own mind. That should be enough.
But after the first few pleasant moments of relaxation the same old questions from childhood always came back to me. Probably because Iām a little infantile by nature. How can God be listening to all the prayers in the entire world simultaneously? And what if they contradict each other? Does he have to listen to the prayers of all these bastards, devils and bad people? Do they pray? Are there places where this God is absent? Is he at the Fox farm, for instance? And what does he think about it? Or at Innerdās slaughterhouse? Does he go there? I know these are stupid, naĆÆve questions. The theologians would laugh at me. I have a wooden head, like the angels suspended from the vault of the artificial sky.
But I was prevented from thinking by the insistent, unpleasant voice of Father Rustle. It always seemed to me that as he moved, his dry, bony body, covered in baggy, dark skin, rustled slightly. His cassock brushed against his trousers, his chin against his dog collar, and his joints creaked. What sort of creature of God was he, this priest? He had dry, wrinkled skin, and there was a little too much of it everywhere. Apparently he used to be obese, but heād been cured of it surgically, by letting them remove half his stomach. And now heād grown very thin, perhaps that was why. I couldnāt help thinking he was entirely made of rice paper, the kind thatās used to make lampshades. To me he was like an artificial creature, hollow on the inside, and flammable too.
Early in January, when I was still plunged in the blackest despair because of my Little Girls, he had visited me on his traditional new-year round of the parish. First his acolytes had called by, in white surplices on top of warm jackets, boys with red cheeks, which undermined their gravity as emissaries of the priest. I had some halva, which I liked to nibble from time to time, so I broke off a piece for each of them. They ate it, sang some songs, and then went outside.
Father Rustle appeared, walking fast and out of breath; without shaking the snow from his boots he entered my little dayroom, stepping straight onto the rug. He sprinkled the walls with his aspergillum, dropped his gaze and recited a prayer, then quick as blinking, placed a holy picture on the table and perched on a corner of the sofa. He did it all at lightning speed ā my eyes could barely keep up with him. It looked to me as if he didnāt feel at ease in my house and wanted to leave as soon as possible.
āA cup of tea, perhaps?ā I asked shyly.
He refused. For a while we sat in silence. I could see the altar boys having a snowball fight outside.
Suddenly I felt an absurd need to nestle my face into his wide, starched sleeve.
āWhy do you weep?ā he asked in that strange, impersonal priestās slang, in which they say ātrepidationā instead of āfearā, āattendā instead of ātake noticeā, āenrichā instead of ālearnā and so on. But not even that could stop me. I went on crying.
āMy Dogs have gone missing,ā I said at last.
It was a winter afternoon, Gloom was already pouring into the dayroom through the small windows, and I couldnāt see the expression on his face.
āI understand your pain,ā he said after a pause. āBut they were just animals.ā
āThey were my only loved ones. My family. My daughters.ā
āPlease do not blaspheme,ā he bristled. āYou cannot speak of dog...