Axiomatic

Maria Tumarkin

• Publisher: Fitzcarraldo Editions
• Year: 2019
• Print ISBN: 9781913097110
• eBook ISBN: 9781913097127
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Social Science Biographies
• Index: Literature

How to speak of the searing, unpindownable power that the past – ours, our family's, our culture's – wields in the present? In five long sections, Maria Tumarkin's Axiomatic tells true and intimate stories of a community dealing with the extended aftermath of a suicide, a grandmother's quest to kidnap her grandson to keep him safe, one community lawyer's battle inside and against the justice system, the effects of multigenerational trauma, and the history of the author's longest friendship. In writing that is inventive, bold, and generous, Axiomatic is a brilliantly inventive exploration of how the past shapes our culture.

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS

For five years everything Frances wrote was about her sister. Once she had been good at deadpan humour. Where’d that go, and the sarcasm? She was seventeen, Katie had been sixteen. Their mother used to deck them in matching clothes: denim dresses most often. People mistook them for twins.

In a Year 12 English assignment Frances wrote when I walked into her room that morning I could sense something was terribly wrong. She was positioned awkwardly, defying gravity.

A year later at uni kneeling forward on her knees, incredibly still. I thought she had fallen asleep, obliquely…

Part way through an end-of-semester piece the following year hair was falling over her face, shielding the truth. Her body was covered in prominent blue veins, gripping themselves over her youthful body.

After five years something shifted. Questions – why’d she call and ask me to wake her? why would she want me to find her? and the big one: did she mean it? – were no longer at Frances’s throat. Frances could imagine them turning into statements.

SHE WANTED ME TO FIND IT

SHE MEANT IT

Five more years and Frances doesn’t need to talk about it that much, maybe to some people, maybe once in a while. She knows what movies to avoid and with her sisters they don’t need to go over it. Maybe her father was wanting some family talk when he said ‘Cheers to Katie’ on the tenth anniversary and they all raised a glass? It’s possible. She’ll ask him.

I meet Frances as the shifting is beginning. Katie’s death doesn’t sit anymore on her chest at all times, making her work for every breath, its knees pressed into her ribs. I was so lost when you met me, she’ll tell me later, so confused, and young, bound up all the way with her. We meet and I ask Frances about casseroles. Everyone knows about casseroles. A person dies and people – close, dear people and virtual strangers, some signed up to a special roster – converge on the dead person’s house bearing casseroles. And the way the casseroles appear and just as suddenly disappear, weeks later, brings to mind, it is true, flocks of birds swooping down then taking off. Swish. For those weeks, sometimes – though not frequently – months, the family inside that house, whoever is there inside the house, is entombed in an intense concentration of throbbing, desperate human attention. Then it stops. Which is worse is hard to know although people I speak to before speaking to Frances – people who once found themselves on the receiving end of casseroles – seem to prefer the post-casserole. On a tram along Elizabeth Street we talk about the weeks after Katie’s death.

— What period? (she’s thrown by my accent; the tram is noisy)

— Casserole period.

— Oh, loved it. Wish it continued, went on much longer. I wish we had the casserole period now.

All those people in the house and no room left for flowers felt to Frances like the opposite of being scorchingly alone. ‘And then,’ she says, ‘the flowers died. And the people left. And there was nothing to fill the emptiness with.’

Frances’s Year 12 creative writing assignment, handed in twenty days after Katie’s suicide –

I will never forget the taste of her mouth. I can still taste her last breath.

Five hundred and fifty or so girls from prep to Year 12 is a small school. Ann taught there twenty-one years. She taught all four sisters. (There were four sisters once. ‘Four is special, three is ordinary,’ Frances says.) In a two-hour conversation Ann – composed, a teacher-teacher, tough, a mother of however many boys, retired now – gets visibly upset only once. Why can’t she claw back her tears when talk goes to that year’s creative writing assignments: the piece Frances wrote, and two pieces from other girls, one of them living in a psych unit, both in Frances’s class? ‘I suppose because I was privy to the truth. This is the stuff they don’t tell their parents. Or friends, shrinks. It’s stuff they only tell themselves.’

One of the things about coming to this world from the Eastern European elsewhere (not that it matters much which elsewhere the elsewhere is) is that words do not often feel powerful in the world of Australia we’ve come to. Which is fine really. We have made our peace with this, accepted it, with gratitude almost, because we judged the well-known (to us) alternative – a world in which poets and their families were persecuted and killed for their words mattering too much – to be an evil much greater. But perhaps I was wrong about this new world. Looking in all the wrong places perhaps. I wasn’t looking at girls and boys writing about what is innermost to them and what they have decided language cannot deal with and submitting their heartbeats as assignments, burying them among the mountains of straight, dashed-off bits of second-guessing fluff, this transaction bypassing the school economy of words-for-grades because what is being exchanged illicitly, covertly, are secrets and confidences and questions, and soul pain. And teachers carrying words by their students inside their chests – I was not looking at them. And no one else knows. Of course nobody knows. ‘You say to the Year 11 kids,’ says Ann, ‘if you have a special, special thing to write about save it till Year 12. Then when you write about a truth, it comes through. And they do save it, most of them.’

Ann is short so learned to wear bright clothes back when she was a teacher at a boys’ school. (‘They won’t see you, they’ll just knock you over.’) She learned to never teach sitting down. She learned that with certain kids you want to give them your mobile number no matter what the classroom protocols say; that you must take a student’s word for it, even if you’ll at times live to regret it; that – and this bit’s the tricky/obvious – you cannot be afraid of the kids.

Frances remembers none of her final-year classes except for English classes with Ann.

That year they were studying Look Both Ways, a movie about how to live is to stumble on death and grief, directed by the late (not late then) Sarah Watt and starring her husband William McInnes. Someone at the school knew McInnes so he was invited to chat to the Year 12s. Then Katie died and it was too late to change the curriculum; the following year, the turn of Katie’s year to do Year 12 English, they stayed right off Look Both Ways. After Katie’s death Frances’s class went silent. No one would discuss the movie. For the rest of that year Ann had to say all the words. She told Frances to leave class anytime she needed: get up, walk out, just stay on campus. But Frances would not leave. She would sit there, in front of Ann, tears pouring. Not moving. Ann would give her tissues. And keep teaching.

Monique in another Melbourne school lost a Year 11 boy she had been teaching since Year 7. Frances and Monique do not know each other. Ann doesn’t know Monique. Monique didn’t find Bryn’s body. Another teacher rang to tell her. When that teacher rang again, seeking someone’s phone number, six years later, for the first time since that other time, Monique’s heart went straight to her throat. Ambushed by memory, that’s how it felt. This is what Monique tells me about Bryn – he was school captain in junior school, ‘pretty powerful individual’, an only child, only grandchild, spent the first part of his life in Thailand around Buddhist monks. So clever he managed to say his goodbyes to everybody and put together a playlist for his funeral.

‘Look at me, I’m in full school uniform’ was the last thing Bryn said to Monique. She hadn’t seen him in full uniform in three, four years. Not that Monique would care. But it was as if he had a things-to-do sheet. As if he was ticking things off. What was on the playlist? ‘Mad World’ – Tears for Fears –

HELLO TEACHER TELL ME WHAT’S MY LESSON?

LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME

I talk to Monique and she brings up casseroles. She says, I am a funeral director’s daughter, I should be one of those people who slip easily into death mode, I should be one of those people turning up at your house with casseroles. ‘You have to ask yourself,’ she says, ‘what happens when the casseroles are gone? People’s sympathy lasts two weeks, I reckon.’ The world stops holding its breath for you. They all start living again and you can’t. It should be obvious by now that Monique is not the casserole type. A couple of her friends lost family members and she sent flowers two weeks after everyone else.

Possible description of a human life: salad days at our peak, casserole days when it’s over. And for those we leave behind, the post-casserole eternity.

Monique likes teenagers’ company, their honesty. After Bryn’s death she stood before his classmates not quite able to adjust her eyes on their faces. ‘I cannot look at you because,’ she said, ‘I’ll cry. I am as lost as you are. One thing I want to say, when we’re at the funeral do not judge how other people react. Do not say they don’t know him so they cannot grieve. Do not say they don’t have a right to carry on.’

How hard it must be to grieve in a high school: everyone looking at everyone. Everyone, just about, is impossibly fragile. Friends hurt your heart more often and expertly than your enemies. Not inevitably, but pretty likely, there are cliques, hierarchies, inner circles, outer circles, circles within circles. A squabble broke out in Katie’s year over who owns Katie now that she’s dead, who has the right to be shattered in public. Also, who’s in charge of organising laser-printed silver pendants with Katie’s face on them from Chadstone shopping centre. And helium balloons, a letter strung to each, unloosed at a suburban beach. Frances remembers none of it. Has no memory of the funeral even, and she did get a high Year 12 score, that’s fact, but has no idea, she says, how, except – wait, it’s not like it was yesterday she and you started talking (this book, your life: jinxed? a blowout?), think back.

A piece she wrote the year you met –

robots don’t procrastinate, they don’t have feelings, they are machines that are made to work.

‘Can you give me a pen?’ Frances’s writings are spread out around us. I hand her a pen. She wants to drive my pen through the school and university assignments she has dutifully printed out (every one of them about Katie) for me. Wants to cross things out. She wants me to know that she knows all of this is bad writing. ‘I am very aware of writing as a craft, I love technique, what works, what doesn’t work. And these poems are shocking.’

After ‘shocking’ she says ‘fake’. We get stuck into ‘fake’. Wrong word maybe. What she is saying is she needed to protect Katie. She could not let people think her sister was selfish, or indifferent to others’ suffering. Wanted them to know Katie was crushed by her boyfriend’s suicide and could not bear being blamed. I say:

— When you think of the book you’ll write one day, will it be non-fiction or will you fictionalise it?

— No, no, hate fiction. I got the worst marks in fiction. Lowest mark on my uni transcript. For me it’s non-fiction all the way. So it’s not simply a memoir – I want to interweave deeper issues.

— Like?

— Like exploring the idea of family secrets. And relationships. How they change. I am interested in perspective shifts. Voice shifts. Third person. First person. I have the title already: What Katie Did Last.

For a while I tell her of books others have written about their lost sisters and brothers, friends, kids. When we first meet these books are rare, semi-submerged, you have to have heard about them from someone and they have the power of revelation – so there are non-medico words to describe this and it does happen to families (‘Looks like a functioning family, nice house, this is really strange,’ a cop said after Katie died) like them. And Charles D’Ambrosio keeps his brother Danny’s army surplus boots, the ones Danny died in, filled with rocks on his desk and John Niven, whose brother hanged himself, compares a suicide to a nuclear bomb because it ‘entrains a chain reaction with an incredibly powerful half-life’. Then the books multiply in the culture. Till they, stories of suicide, seem to be everywhere. And it’s in some ways good, some bad, and now Frances needs to protect herself – can’t be stepping on hot coals every time you go get chicken stock at a supermarket – and I quit with my literary outreach.

It is not about her looking away. About choosing when to look.

I am not sure if writing her own book is still on the table.

In my childhood people said the best-looking kids come from mixed ethnicity. Frances is Eurasian. And beautiful, yes. If you don’t mind I will leave it to you to visualise the skin, eyes, cheekbones, her hair. I didn’t want to tell you straight away because something happens when we’re told someone, a young woman especially, has a she’d-look-good-in-a-postagebag league of beauty. We have been told little yet somehow we know now and are less alert, less hungry for something. Wrong to keep it from you much longer, though. Frances thought Katie was the most beautiful out of them all. How beautiful? Katie didn’t need make-up, ever.

‘Stunning, popular, unstoppable, involved in everything; she was extremely smart too,’ says Frances, ‘and funny. The entertainer. The leader.’

Bryn, says Monique, made friends with every wayward person. It was obvious after he died that he had been a shepherd for his school’s lost kids.

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The day after Katie’s boyfriend killed himself – five weeks before she did – Katie spent the day at round 2 auditions for Australian Idol. She sang in its entirety the periodic table of the elements while doing backflips. Sh...

Table of contents

• Cover
• PRAISE
• TITLE PAGE
• CONTENTS
• TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS
• THOSE WHO FORGET THE PAST ARE CONDEMNED TO RE—
• HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF
• GIVE ME A CHILD BEFORE THE AGE OF SEVEN AND I WILL SHOW YOU A WOMAN
• YOU CAN’T ENTER THE SAME RIVER TWICE
• ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
• ABOUT THE AUTHOR
• COPYRIGHT