The Thriving Giver

7 Principles for health professionals and caregivers to enhance self-care and prevent burnout

Sarah Kuipers

• Publisher: Practical Inspiration Publishing
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9781788602532
• Topic: Persönliche Entwicklung
• Subtopic: Psychische Verfassung & Wohlbefinden

***BUSINESS BOOK AWARDS 2022 SHORTLISTED TITLE***

"I cannot recommend this book highly enough." – Dr. Sarah Eagger, consultant psychiatrist

Give yourself the kind of care you give others and create a personalized toolkit of simple and effective strategies to master stress and revitalise your life.

Whether you are a health or care professional, informal caregiver, therapist, or simply a people-pleaser who ignores their own needs, Sarah Kuipers invites you to take a fresh approach to stress by helping you unearth the roots of poor self-care, and guiding you step by step to create a life that nurtures you, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Only when you thrive can you give of your best to the world each day.

Discover 7 powerful principles that will help you:

• Create supportive beliefs around your own worth
• Gain a greater understanding of your risk factors
• Transform your thoughts and emotions
• Calm your anxiety
• Become more assertive
• Replenish your energy
• Nourish your spirit

"This brilliant book… should be required reading for all caring professionals." - Dr. Jane Buckle, former nurse and lecturer for healthcare professionals

SARAH KUIPERS ran a successful practice for over 20 years as a single mother, before burning out. Since completing a Masters in Research on stress and burnout she has facilitated numerous courses in personal development and stress management for medical students.

PART ONE

LAY THE FOUNDATIONS

If you decided to redesign your garden, you would begin by looking at the present layout and choosing what trees, shrubs and flowers you want to keep, and those you wish to let go of. You would probably clear any brambles, nettles and weeds, except those you specifically wanted to preserve in order to support the wildlife! To ensure the ground was clear, you would remove the roots of anything you don’t want, so that the new plants could thrive. If you simply dug over the surface, those unwanted plants and weeds would soon be back.

In a similar way, when creating a life in which you thrive, the first step is to unearth the roots of poor self-care, and identify any unhelpful beliefs or behaviour patterns that limit your ability to value and care for yourself. Those disempowering traits may have been programmed into you since you were young. If you tend to put others first, find it hard to say ‘no’ or feel guilty whenever you stop and relax, it is almost impossible to reduce stress and enhance your self-care. The belief change process outlined in Principle 1 helps you identify and release those disempowering traits. By creating new beliefs that support you in valuing and caring for yourself, you then have a strong foundation for transforming your life.

You will learn that self-care is not selfish. That’s why, on an aeroplane, you are asked to put your oxygen mask on first, before placing one on your child. When you optimize self-care and allow yourself to thrive, you can give from a space of replenishment, rather than depletion.

Principle 2 encourages you to monitor your stress levels and different aspects of your health and wellbeing. Through developing greater self-awareness, you reduce the likelihood of exhaustion, burnout, breakdown or a stress-related illness. You may have had a friend or family member who said to you, If only I had paid attention to the problems earlier, I could have avoided... When you ignore the warning signs, problems are amplified, whether they are related to your work, relationships, health or wellbeing.

PRINCIPLE 1

Create supportive beliefs and behaviours

Judy loved her work as a physiotherapist, finding it fulfilling. However, she tended to allow family and friends to control her life. If a client was late, she would tell them that was OK, even if she missed her lunch break. The more she gave others, the more they took. Trying to keep everyone happy took its toll. When she became exhausted and felt she had nothing left to give, it prompted her to see me for some coaching.

The sessions revealed how fear had permeated Judy’s life from a young age. She had often witnessed her parents fighting, and when she was about six her mother left for London, leaving Judy with her father. He was an alcoholic, and she was often locked in a room, receiving little food, care or attention.

When her mother remarried a few years later, Judy went to live with her new family. Here, her mother’s time was now devoted to Judy’s stepbrother, Tony, a haemophiliac, who was frequently rushed off to hospital. Worried about upsetting her mother or brother, Judy always gave in to their wishes, ignoring her own needs.

Scared of her mother, who often had a short temper, Judy spent most of the time hiding away in the only safe place, her bedroom. Desperate for approval, she adopted the role of keeping the peace and putting others first.

Coaching helped Judy recognize the wisdom of such a young child discovering how to stay out of harm’s way. When she saw how those same behaviour patterns held her back from valuing and caring for herself, she created new beliefs that gave her permission to stand up for herself, even if it meant upsetting someone. Embracing supportive beliefs and learning how to say ‘no’ made it so much easier for Judy to manage the pressures in her life. She also discovered that when she respected herself, it often resulted in her gaining more respect from others.

A few years later, when I next saw Judy, it was heart-warming to hear how she had embraced the empowering beliefs. She was more assertive and self-care had become an intrinsic part of her life. She is now more resilient and has learnt that if she stops taking care of herself, everything in her life starts to crumble; she won’t let that happen again.

Judy’s story may have struck a chord with you, even though your childhood experiences may have been very different from hers. You might already have identified some of your own self-care saboteurs – conditioned habits and responses from the past that amplify your stress and stop you optimizing self-care. Maybe you have a pattern of keeping the peace, seeking approval, being over-responsible or finding it hard to say ‘no’. Those traits have been so common in many of the clients I have worked with, and especially those in helping professions. If you wish to create and sustain a balanced and fulfilling life, you may first need to free yourself from any self-care saboteurs and create empowering beliefs and behaviours that support you in valuing yourself. Here is an overview of each of the sections.

• 1a. Identify unhelpful behaviour patterns – discover the underlying patterns that amplify your stress.

• 1b. Create new, empowering beliefs – develop and embody new beliefs that support you in mastering stress and enhancing self-care.

• 1c. Release your self-care saboteurs – learn how to respond to situations in empowering ways and create a balanced and nurturing life.

1a. Identify unhelpful behaviour patterns

Discover the disempowering patterns that amplify your stress and limit your ability to value and care for yourself.

As a nurse Elizabeth worked tirelessly, looking after both patients and staff but ignoring her own needs. She allowed managers to phone her on days off and worked extra shifts whenever they were short-staffed. With little time to stop, relax and recharge, Elizabeth became frazzled and exhausted. One day, when she started having palpitations and chest pains and her legs felt like jelly, she went home and slept for 13 hours straight. Burnout forced her to stop, and she took three months off work.

Elizabeth’s first coaching session revealed how her mother had died from substandard care at the local hospital. As a senior ward manager at the same hospital, Elizabeth had channelled her grief into work and committed to ensuring that her patients would receive excellent care. Positive feedback from staff and patients spurred Elizabeth on to keep pushing herself to the limit. She received the Nurse of the Year Award for her dedication and compassion in turning around a failing area of the hospital. She was asked to move to another unit that had issues with bullying and substandard care. Elizabeth accepted the promotion, putting aside her reservations about leaving the ward she loved. Receiving such an accolade, with everyone believing in her, she felt invincible. However, Elizabeth paid the price for ignoring her own wellbeing, especially when taking on such a challenging role.

When encouraged to reflect on her life, Elizabeth recognized how, for years, she had put everyone else first: her ex-husband, her daughters, her patients or the staff in her ward. Taking too much responsibility for others, she had been the fixer, the doer, the rescuer. She had stood up for everyone else, but not for herself. When Elizabeth worked through the exercise in 1b. Create new, empowering beliefs, she created supportive beliefs that encouraged her to pay attention to her own wellbeing, speeding up her recovery. She bought herself the puppy she had always wanted and started growing vegetables and making jewellery. Her wife, Cathy, was delighted that Elizabeth had become more open to receiving and her bubbliness and zest for life had returned.

On returning to work, Elizabeth was able to give from a space of replenishment, rather than depletion; her patients received better care. She now asks other nurses to cover for her when she needs a break, and takes time off whenever possible after working extra hours. Having let go of the need to be everything to everyone, she sets a great example of self-care to the team.

As you reflect on Elizabeth’s story, you may recognize similar patterns or traits in yourself. If so, what are they?

Releasing responsibility

Ella had always enjoyed her work as an acupuncturist, but her enthusiasm gradually diminished, and she felt depleted. Throughout married life, Ella had always put her husband and children first. She had the erroneous belief that if she looked after everyone else, they would take care of her. However, her family rarely, if ever, considered her...