When We Kneel, We Learn

A Look at Caregiving through the Lens of Faith

Kayla Morgan Dudley

• Publisher: Resource Publications
• Year: 2021
• Print ISBN:
  9781666707212
  9781666707229
• eBook ISBN:
  9781666707236
• Topic: Ciencias sociales
• Subtopic: Biografías de ciencias sociales

When We Kneel, We Learn is an autobiographical work based on Kayla Morgan Dudley's experience in a caregiving facility over the expanse of two years. The book touches on the relationships she cultivated with the elderly--including those living with Alzheimer's and dementia. The audience that the author hopes to reach are those who are interested in caring for the geriatric population. The memoir is written from the lens of Christianity. However, the lessons that are learned throughout the piece are so profoundly human that they are accessible to anyone who wants to deepen their relationships and have a greater understanding of others. The book is shaped in such a way that it gives the reader insight into the personalities of our elders, including quotes and stories from individual persons, as well as ways that Kayla learned to approach caring for those enduring the effects of aging.

Chapter One:

Empathy

Dear Reader,

My hope for this chapter is that it encourages love before bitterness and understanding before judgement, particularly when it comes to those elders that are more difficult to care for. I pray that amidst the grind of this work, caregivers do not become individuals who are on autopilot, monotonously attending to their tasks. This chapter is intended to shed light on how crucial it is to stop for conscious contemplation within this job and to sacrifice your time to truly get to know the individuals within your care. Most importantly, I hope that you will put yourself in their shoes . . . and in the shoes of all those who you meet and are called to love. We would want others to show the same mercy toward us.

(Scribble 1) Empathy for Audra

The first time I stepped foot into Miss Audra’s room, I knew that she was very ill. A head bald with affliction, a pale shadow cast across her skin, an oxygen mask dangling from her face. The sight of sickness can often be a scary one. However, if everyone’s sickness was as physically obvious as Audra’s, perhaps we’d have more compassion for one another. It didn’t take long after meeting Audra to realize that she was a woman who was prone to lashing out, getting easily frustrated, and executing sarcastic comments on a regular basis. One day in particular, I was confronted with a situation in which Audra was treating me unkindly and began to raise her voice while I was trying to help her. Although I became frustrated and felt like crying, I was able to utilize the message of empathy and put it to practice. I reminded myself of how she must have felt: a three-time cancer survivor and hardly able to do anything for herself after being such an independent person throughout her life. No wonder she was irritated! Wouldn’t most of us be? From this perspective, I could show Jesus’ example. It was my job to uphold His kingdom testimony, so I had to continually nudge pride out of the way and let love cover all sins. It was so releasing to walk away from the situation, come back with a clear mind, and have a normal conversation with her once again. As scripture says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1, NIV). I don’t think Audra ever realized that she had hurt me by her actions. However, showing her love in return was so much more rewarding than letting her hurts and humanness get in the way of the compassion that I had the opportunity to demonstrate to her. This perspective was a much lighter burden to bear, both for me and my residents. This mindset allowed me to feel sympathy and sorrow for the person that was hurting me, knowing that they, too, were affected by the brokenness of the world. I knew that if I allowed bitterness to be planted, it would grow and do more harm than good. I knew that what started out as an irritation would fester and germinate into hatred in the long term if I allowed it to. I learned that relationships are like a mirror which allows us to be confronted with our true intentions, sinful tendencies, and the potential to work on those faults with humility rather than pride. I was to have empathy for my residents as I sought to understand them, all the while knowing that I had never been in their shoes or walked their path. I would never truly know the extent of what they went through in their childhood or the trials that they faced when others weren’t watching. My job was not to know, because that was God’s job; my duty was to seek to understand in the midst of uncertainty, to refrain from judgement, and to fight against my own sin. I would want others to show the same mercy toward me. Jesus Himself demonstrated the ultimate example of mercy when He died for those who crushed Him with the weight of their sins.

On another occasion, Audra audibly made a sarcastic comment pertaining to no one caring about her well-being. It was later on in the afternoon that I was able to help her into bed for a much-needed nap. She asked me if I could wake her up in about an hour so that she wouldn’t miss an event that the other residents at the facility were participating in. Almost an hour went by, and I returned to her room and reminded her of why I was waking her up. It was then that she got the biggest smile on her face, leaving me pleasantly startled, and reached out to take my hand in her own. I was instantly reminded of her comment that no one cared and awakened to the realization that she just wanted someone to think of her. She wanted to not be forgotten about amidst her sickness; to not be confused or left out of the loop; to not feel lonely. She wanted to be normal and included. The root cause of her complaint was that she felt excluded, and that came out of her mouth in sarcasm because she was hurt. I learned that when I seek to understand the roots of an issue, I can then work toward being more empathetic for why people act the way they do.

You see, resident Audra helped me to see the raw consequences of doing the right thing in the midst of the pressure to do the wrong one. The wonderful thing about this is that I found myself in awe at what was happening within me as a result of putting this to practice. Humans are so encouraged when they see the result of their kindness in their own experience. It’s just a matter of displaying that kindness in times when it is most difficult to do so in order to discover the benefits that it reaps in the latter end. Empathy is seeing the best in another individual amidst their worst moments and then being in awe when that person later demonstrates the best side of themselves.

When I sat down with Audra to converse, to ask for advice, and to look at her as an elder rather than someone who needed to be cared for, I saw a woman that radiated confidence, was riddled with wisdom, and was sure of her knowledge. I learned of a woman that was a nurse and a teacher. I was met with messages that I needed to hear from someone as blunt as she. I was looking at a mentor. You see, when we kneel, we learn. When I took the time to give her my attention, sitting in a chair eye-level with her wheelchair, I was a student in her classroom. At a time when my career choices were on the line, she looked me dead in the face and said matter-of-factly, “Life is not made of absolutes. What you choose to do with your career is not something you have to do for the rest of your life. If you don’t like it, you can change it later. It’s not the end of the world.”

Talking with Audra, I was met with a woman of faith. A woman that told me that growing old is inevitable. God gave us a certain number of years to figure out how to live and whose lives we are going to touch. Growing up is a choice; we can choose to be young at heart or we can choose, in her words, to be “smudgy” and “mugged.” Sometimes God uses the people you would least expect to give you the message that you need the most, and somehow that makes the very message all the more valid. Audra told me that the only way she could have gone through what she did was with God; it wasn’t something she could have handled on her own.

Audra was, by far, one of my most difficult residents. Simultaneously, she was also one of the ones that encouraged the most character growth within me. It’s quite funny how that works: the most difficult trials are the ones that grow us the most if we have a heart that’s open to growing. The relationships that cause the most tension can also cause the most spiritual development. The Audra that almost made me cry, was the same one that I found myself hugging. The hardest resident was also one of my biggest lessons.

I found that if I ever want to learn anything from others, I surely need to understand the art of forgiveness. In the face of people failing me, I cannot close off my heart to the value that they can still contribute to my life and the world around them. I humbled myself to understand that people hurt me because they are hurt, and I am called to forgive them because we are all sinners and misunderstood. People have a tendency to disregard others when they mess up, but Jesus calls me to release both myself and those around me through the art of forgiveness, compassion, and mercy. Audra taught me that I never know who will need that forgiveness seven times a thousand, and I can be their cushion of grace. I can be the one who sees that they have a lot more to offer the world than most people realize.

(Scribble 2) Shoes of Another

It was not long before I picked up on the annoyance Harold brought out of my coworkers and the other residents. Whether it be his long, drawn-out conversations, his inability to hear very well, or his complaints about not having gravy on his rice or cranberry sauce with his turkey. The truth is though, I always had a soft spot for Mr. Harold. I adored the man with the high-waisted pants and a belt over his big, round belly. The man that was unsteady on his feet and nearly fell backwards when I tried to give him a high-five one day. The man who had this huge, teethy, quirky smile, and who loved to tell stories. I would see him at the dinner table talking away to his table mate, who would be sitting beside him, turned away with his eyes closed. One day, I witnessed him with a group of residents who were all playing a trivia game and getting increasingly annoyed each time they had to repeat what they said to him. Yet, there he was. Harold was himself, seemingly un-phased by others’ opinions.

If there was anything that Harold taught me in the time that I was blessed to spend with him, it was what it means to be misunderstood. As a Presbyterian Minister, he was used to having a whole pulpit to talk on. He had engaged in the art of storytelling as his career, with a crowd of listening ears awaiting his teachings. He was considered outspoken at the assisted living center, but only because it was his job to be outspoken throughout his life. He was used to having the stage, and now he was encouraged to be silent. I learned that it was important for me to push myself to imagine how oppressing that must have been for him. To imagine engaging in a conversation, having a thought bubble up that begs to be expressed, and having to push that thought back down the throat and swallow it whole. Harold was taught to speak his whole life, and by the time he was over ninety years old, he was encouraged to cease speaking. Such is the case for many of our elderly today.

Harold expressed to me more than once that he was lonely after having spent years of his life falling asleep beside his wife. He was used to having someone to express his ideas to, someone to give him personal companionship, and someone to supply him with the beneficial human luxury of physical touch.

By disciplining myself to become knowledgeable about my residents’ pasts, I could better understand how to comfort them in the present. Once I sought to understand him, Harold was no longer merely Harold: he was Minister Harold, husband Harold, and father Harold. He was so much more than just his name; he had a history that had consequently affected and shaped the rest of his life. Because of this, I could position myself to listen when he had something to say, with the vast amounts of knowledge that he had acquired over the course of his lifetime. I could challenge myself to give him a hug in order to help soothe the ache of his wife’s absence. I learned that intimacy in the form of communication, touch, and proximity is so significant in the lives of the elderly, especially when considering the significant losses that they have endured throughout their experiences. However, this presents itself as a challenge amidst the hustle and bustle of being a caregiver. To make the time to truly have empathy for another is a virtue in and of itself, chiefly when there is a ticking clock, a list of duties to accomplish, and residents paging for help in-between. The longer that I worked in the field, the more pressing the temptation became to offer a simple, “I’m sorry,” and to carry on with the day’s tasks. There is this dangerous desensitization that comes with familiarity in the workforce as well as in other areas of life. There were numerous times when I could have easily slipped into the mindset of there being nothing else that I could do for a particular resident. This would have been a cop-out in the midst of preoccupation and selfishness. It was in those moments where I worried that I would not get off on time if I spent the extra ten minutes with a resident, or those moments when I was thinking about what I wanted to do after work. The less I lived in the present with the beautiful individual in front of me, the more likely that the quality of care they were receiving was going to be negatively impacted.

There were daily tests of character in the position of a caregiver. Oftentimes, the challenges were tensions within myself. No one else would have known about them, but I would have to live with myself at the end of the day. For example, one time I was getting a resident changed for bed. I had just put a brief on her and was transporting her to bed when she pooped in the new brief during the transfer. Already having spent an excessive amount of time with that resident, I had a mental conflict in my head about whether to change her again or to leave the responsibility to the next shift. Being convicted, I decided to change her again in bed and – believe it or not – one of the brief straps TORE this time. Yes, sometimes in life everything goes wrong. I learned that all I can do is my best, and then it’s my turn to give myself grace. Rather than changing the resident again, I just taped the side of the brief that was torn and called it a day. I try to go the extra mile, but...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Introduction
• About the Author
• Chapter 1: Empathy
• Chapter 2: Love And Learning from Those We Care For
• Chapter 3: The Sacrifice of Our Time and Investing in Others
• Chapter 4: Finding Familiarity
• Chapter 5: Relationships and Companionships
• Chapter 6: Perspective/Supernatural Energy
• Chapter 7: Paternalism
• Chapter 8: Inspiration
• Chapter 9: COVID-19
• Chapter 10: Loving Those with Memory Loss
• Chapter 11: Color, Humor, and a Light Heart
• Chapter 12: The Gift of Today
• Chapter 13: In This Body
• Chapter 14: Outside of Caregiving
• (Revelations from Loss) Your Grief is Your Superpower
• (Final Scribble) When We Kneel, We Learn: Remember Audra?
• (Dear Reader) A Conclusion
• Bibliography