Quiet Kids

Help Your Introverted Child Succeed in an Extroverted World

Christine Fonseca

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2021
• Topic: Psychology
• eBook ISBN:
  9781000495461
• Subtopic: Education General
• Index: Psychology

Being an introverted child is difficult, especially in an ever-increasingly noisy world. Often viewed as aloof, unmotivated, or conceited, introverted children are deeply misunderstood by parents, educators, and even their peers. That's where Quiet Kids: Help Your Introverted Child Succeed in an Extroverted World comes in. Designed to provide parents with a blueprint for understanding the nature of introversion, Quiet Kids provides specific strategies to teach children how to thrive in a world that may not understand them. Presented in an easy-to-read, conversational style, the book uses real-world examples and stories from introverts and parents to show parents and educators how to help children develop resiliency and enhance the positive qualities of being an introvert. With specific strategies to address academic performance, bullying, and resiliency, Quiet Kids is a must-read for anyone wishing to enhance the lives of introverted children.

part I
Introverted and Extroverted Kids

A Matter of Hardwiring

DOI: 10.4324/9781003237426-1

Look up synonyms for extroverted on Thesaurus.com, and you will find words like friendly, gregarious, social, and personable. Look, instead, for synonyms for introverted, and you will find the words shy, cold, secretive, and withdrawn. These synonyms represent a list of attributes and behaviors that, at first glance, appear to be something we can choose, something we can change. Furthermore, there is a clear positive and negative connotation to the words, reflecting Western culture’s favoring of extroversion.

But extroversion and introversion are more than a collection of attributes and behaviors that can be easily changed. These terms refer to our biological temperament. And although the more difficult aspects of each trait can be balanced, human beings are predisposed to particular temperaments. It is part of our hardwiring.

Over the next few chapters, I will examine the current neuroscience behind temperament, as well as the pros and cons of both extroversion and introver-sion. These chapters also take a hard look at the way society has depicted introversion and the impact this has on those hardwired to be more quiet than their extroverted counterparts.

As we begin this exploration into temperament, I think it’s good to get clear on your own opinions about introversion and some of the concerns you have about raising an introverted child. Take a moment to complete the questionnaire on page 3 before moving into the next chapters.

QUESTIONNAIRE 1 Ideas About Temperament

1. I define an extroverted person as … (complete the sentence).
   
   
2. I define an introverted person as … (complete the sentence).
   
   
3. I believe that temperament is something you are born with.

   ◻ True

   ◻ False

4. I believe that temperament can be changed over time.

   ◻ True

   ◻ False

5. I think the world is more geared toward extroverts.

   ◻ True

   ◻ False

6. If I answered “true” to #5, I think the biggest difficulties facing introverts are … (complete the sentence).
   
   

Once you are finished, take a moment to reflect on your answers and consider the following questions: What are the reasons you picked up this book? What are you hoping to get out of it? In what ways are you hoping to help your children? Take a moment to write down your thoughts regarding temperament and your goals for this book.

chapter 1

The Science of Temperament

DOI: 10.4324/9781003237426-2

“Temperament—what does that even mean? I just know that I am shy and quiet. It isn’t something I think about. It is just part of who I am, something I accept as being me.”—Hiro, Age 15

Personality and temperament—two words that have come to be used interchangeably in our culture, but words that have significantly different meanings. Defined by Dictionary.com as being a collection of behaviors that form a person’s character, personality is often influenced by both environmental considerations and things we experience in life. Temperament, on the other hand, is defined as being the traits affecting behavior that a person has at birth. It is shaped by biology and remains relatively unchanged throughout life.

Let me give you an example from my own life. When I was young, I was shy and reserved. I hated the first day of school, hated going someplace new, and struggled when I had to perform. However, my interests included music, dance, and modeling—every one of which required me to do something in front of an audience. These interests mandated that I get over my fear of performing in public. And I did. As an adult, I no longer fear being in front of large groups of people. I find comfort in speaking in front of hundreds of people at a time and no longer struggle with being the center of attention.

But I still get anxious when trying something new. I still consider myself reserved. And I continue to develop a little nausea at the thought of attending a conference with unfamiliar people. That part of me will never change.

So what’s the difference between the two? Why has one aspect of me changed but the other one has not? It is the difference between personality traits and my temperament.

The fear of performing relates to my early feelings of being shy, something that changed through practice and experience. It is, or was, part of my personality. On the other hand, the continuing feeling of apprehension when confronted with something new is part of my temperament. It hasn’t “matured” out of my behavior because it is a natural aspect of who I am. It is part of my hardwiring.

Personality and temperament. Nurture and nature.

Where do the concepts of extroversion and introversion fall into this mix? Often defined by specific behavioral characteristics (outgoing, social, and popular for extroverts, and quiet, shy, and reserved for introverts), these two concepts have long been accepted as part of a person’s personality (Thompson, 2008). Popularly used by psychologist Carl Jung in the 1900s, these terms have found their way into nearly every discussion of personality, from Freud’s somewhat negative view that introversion relates to narcissism, to Cattell’s more neutral inclusion of extraversion and introversion as part of his 16 personality factors (Cattell, Eber, & Tatsuoka, 1980). Personality tests, including the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, regularly include measures for extraversion (another spelling for extroversion) and introversion, using their scales to differentiate temperament in some way. Clearly, psychologists have recognized extroversion and introversion as aspects of temperament and personality throughout modern psychol-ogy. But it is the advancements in the field of neurobiology that has yielded the largest gains in our understanding of the field.

Jung (1971) long suspected a biological connection, believing that extroversion and introversion were things that related to how a person interacted with the world at a primal level, and not simply a by-product of the experiences a person has had. He believed that extroverts and introverts fundamentally viewed the world differently, with extroverts seeking stimulation outside of themselves, and introverts seeking internal stimulation.

Further evidence of a likely biological connection in the formation of temperament came from Segal’s (1999) research on identical twins. After studying groups of twins raised apart, startling similarities were indicated with regard to temperament, regardless of the differences in environments in which the twins were raised (Segal, 1999).

Eysenck (1967), too, believed that temperament was a matter of biology. He believed that the differences between extroversion and introversion lay in the brain chemistry systems involving arousal and inhibition, with extroverts relying more heavily on arousal for balance and introverts being inhibition dominant. Although advancements in neuroscience have shown his work to be incomplete and somewhat oversimplistic, Eysenck’s speculation that extroverts and introverts differ with reference to optimal level of arousal and reaction to environmental stimuli is basically correct.

Some of the most powerful research to recently address temperament and extroversion and introversion comes from Kagan’s work (Kagan & Snidman, 2004) with highly sensitive children. In this research, Kagan studied brain chemistry and the role of neurotransmitters on temperament. He postulated that a child’s genetic code determines how neurotransmitters are used and that this preference in the brain was intrinsically linked to temperament (Kagan & Snidman, 2004).

Perhaps the best understanding of the science behind temperament is explained by Marti Olsen Laney (2002) in The Introvert Advantage. Using the work of Kagan, as well as the neurotransmitter research conducted by Hobson, Kosslyn, and others, Laney (2002) described the differences between extroversion and introversion as being a matter of energy usage. Extroverts, Laney explained, use energy widely, while introverts are more likely to conserve it. Laney goes on to cite both the use of neurotransmit-ters as well as the activation and utilization of the sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous systems as linked to extroversion and introversion.

Now, before you feel like you just woke up in the middle of your college biology class, I have no intention of repeating what Laney so elegantly explained in The Introvert Advantage. Instead I want to focus on what the recent research may mean for you, and, more importantly, for your children.

The chart in Figure 1 summarizes the work of Kagan, Laney, and others and shows at a glance just how different the hardwiring is for extroverts and introverts. It’s no wonder neither group can fully understand the other—they are biologically different in their approach to life.

Figure 1. Extroverts and introverts: A difference in biology.

Brain chemistry controls how we behave in various situations. The research discussed in The Introvert Advantage points to something Jung (1971) had speculated about so much earlier—extroverts and introverts do, in fact, process energy differently. Extroverts focus on social connections and action as a path toward balanc...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Dedication Page
• Copyright Page
• Table of Contents
• Acknowledgments
• Author’s Note
• Introduction
• Part I Introverted and Extroverted Kids: A Matter of Hardwiring
• Part II Introverted Kids at Home
• Part III Introverted Kids at School
• Part IV Introverted Kids at Play
• Looking to the Future
• Final Thoughts
• Recommended Resources
• References
• About the Author