Raising Boys With ADHD

Secrets for Parenting Successful, Happy Sons

Mary Anne Richey

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2021
• Edition: 2
• eBook ISBN:
  9781000495508
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Education General
• Index: Psychology

The second edition of the best-selling Raising Boys With ADHD features the latest information on research and treatment for boys with ADHD. This book:

• Empowers parents to help their sons with ADHD find success in school and beyond.
• Covers topics not often found in other parenting guides.
• Provides a strength-based approach to helping boys discover their strengths and abilities.
• Helps boys become motivated, successful, and independent adults.
• Discusses the preschool years, early diagnosis, and strategies for teens transitioning to work and college.

Filled with practical knowledge, a dynamic action planning guide, resources, and tools needed to help parents address the many strengths and challenges of boys with ADHD, this book provides parents with encouragement and hope for the future.

Chapter 1 My Son Has ADHD: Now What?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003237464-1

You may not always recognize boys with ADHD, but believe me, they are everywhere. According to the American Psychiatric Association (2013), “Population surveys suggest that ADHD occurs in most cultures in about 5% of children and about 2.5% of adults” (p. 61). The percentage of children in the U.S. who are diagnosed varies, with estimates ranging from 5% to as high as 11%, depending on the criteria used, how the data were collected, and the age span considered. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2020), 6.1 million children in the U.S. ages 2-17 have been diagnosed with ADHD by a healthcare professional. That’s a lot of kids! The CDC data show that boys (12.9%) are more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than girls (5.6%). Dr. Thomas E. Brown (2017), a clinical psychologist who has researched ADHD extensively, suggested that the ratio is closer to 3:1, but “when adults are assessed, the ratio of males to females is closer to 1:1. This suggests that there are many girls with ADHD-related impairments who are not identified until they become adults” (p. 37). The CDC (2020) data show that three in four children with ADHD receive some kind of treatment, whether it be medication, behavioral treatment, and/or skills training.

In your son’s classroom at school, there will likely be another student and maybe more diagnosed with or suspected of having ADHD. On a sports team of 12 players, there will likely be at least one with ADHD. How many kids live in your neighborhood? In addition to your own son, there are probably some boys with ADHD living around you. Boys (and girls) with ADHD are everywhere.

Did I Cause It?

In many cases, a biological parent’s genetics likely contributed to a child’s diagnosis. According to Brown (2017), “One out of every four people who have ADHD is likely to have a parent with ADHD, whether he or she knows it or not; the other three usually have at least one sibling, grandparent, uncle, aunt, or cousin who has ADHD” (p. 79).

ADHD is a very complex interaction of many genes located throughout the brain. Much research has gone into identifying these genes and their functioning. Dr. Russell Barkley (2016), another eminent researcher whose career focuses on ADHD, explained:

The genes involved in causing ADHD are genes that build and operate certain regions and networks in the brain during development. Versions of genes involved in ADHD that are different when compared to typical people result in differences and even deficiencies in these structures and their functioning, (p. 13)

There is nothing to be done about genetics, so the best you can do is try to continue to learn about ADHD to help your son navigate it the best he can.

Just so you know, a much smaller proportion of cases of ADHD can result from other factors, including a mother’s tobacco, alcohol, or drug use while pregnant; maternal infections during pregnancy; birth complications; and prematurity According to Barkley (2016), “A smaller percentage of ADHD cases may be due to brain injuries suffered after the child is born, resulting from diseases, brain trauma, tumors, stroke or even poisoning, such as lead or pesticide exposure” (p. 14). Whatever the cause, the past cant be changed, so it is important to put all of your energy into learning to help your son manage his ADHD.

Because he doesn’t look physically different, it might be difficult to accept that your son has a problem. This can be especially true for fathers. Often in a dad’s eyes, his boy is just being a boy. He is supposed to be active and run around, climb things, ask a million questions, and argue. I often hear from dads, “It’s the same thing I did as a kid.” Pause on that thought. In many families I have worked with, ADHD had been suspected but had never been officially diagnosed in a parent. In fact, many times, a parent may be diagnosed after their child receives the diagnosis because the parent starts to realize that they have the same set of symptoms and seeks an evaluation as an adult. It doesn’t help one bit to cast blame on yourself or your partner and wonder who your son “got it” from. If you do suspect a genetic link, try instead to find some sympathy and compassion for what your son is facing. I have seen many cases where the mother or father has learned to manage life with ADHD, which serves as a source of encouragement for their son.

One mistake I have seen parents make is to take the attitude that they survived without any intervention or assistance, intimating that their son should “buck up” and do the same. An important thing to remember is that school and society have become much more complex, so there will be more demands placed on your son than you experienced. Additionally, shouldn’t you take advantage of all that has been learned about ADHD to help your son navigate it as successfully as possible?

Some parents feel guilt-ridden because they believe that their actions, and not just their genetics, may be responsible for their son’s ADHD. Parents may even start to second-guess themselves by making negative assumptions. Parents have told me:

• ▷ “I should have breastfed him instead of using the bottle.”
• ▷ “I should have played with him more.”
• ▷ “I shouldn’t have let him watch so much television or play so many video games.”
• ▷ “I shouldn’t have worked while leaving him in daycare or with a nanny.”
• ▷ “If only his dad had taken more interest in him as a youngster.”

Please remember that parenting style and the decisions you’ve made usually are not your son’s main issues. Being a more skilled parent will not make ADHD go away Poor parenting does not cause ADHD (but as we’ll see later in the book, it certainly can aggravate the situation). Can we, as parents, improve the way we deal with our sons with ADHD? Absolutely, and I’ll spend a good bit of this book sharing ways to help you do just that.

Shouldn't you take advantage of all that has been learned about ADHD to help your son navigate it as successfully as possible?

Mary L., a parent of a 9-year-old son with ADHD, expressed this: “After all these years, I was relieved to hear from a professional that my parenting style did not cause John’s ADHD. I’m sure parents in my neighborhood thought his behavior was my fault, but it’s not. It’s his ADHD that causes him to become so emotional.” Another parent, Amy S., explained it this way: “It’s like a chip was missing in his brain. When Mark was young and he wanted people to go home, he would just yell, ‘Make them go home!’ I used to get so embarrassed and think if I was a good enough parent, this wouldn’t happen.”

Taking Charge of ADHD

I often advise parents not to worry so much about the label but to focus on proactive steps they can take to help their son. To raise a successful son with ADHD, you must start being more intentional in your parenting from the day you find out your son has ADHD with the ultimate goal of assisting him in learning to manage his ADHD on his own.

To raise a successful son with ADHD, you must start being more intentional in your parenting from the day you find out your son has ADHD.

Recognize That ADHD Is a Disability

Even though your son may be smart and look fine on the outside, his mind is wired differently. Taking a “disability perspective” provides understanding but doesn’t mean you are going to allow your son to use his ADHD as an excuse. It just means you are going to learn about how to help him manage the neurobiological functioning that makes some things more difficult for him. ADHD is now considered to involve much more than attention and/or hyperactivity. At the very heart of the disorder is difficulty with the brains management system or its executive function, which refers to all of the skills needed to accomplish a task—planning, organizing, starting, focusing, sticking with it until completed, monitoring performance, using memory, and regulating emotions. Your son may know what to do but have trouble getting started or finishing a task. A reminder: ADHD has nothing to do with his intelligence but rather how he approaches tasks and manages his behavior. You are taking a great step by reading this book and teaching yourself more about ADHD. Increasing and using your knowledge about ADHD are key to raising a successful son.

Try to Become More Understanding and Patient

That doesn’t mean you will let your son “get away with things,” but you will need to learn to respond differently by considering his neurobiological makeup and how it impacts him. Distinct differences in the brains of those with and without ADHD have been documented time and time again. Keep in mind that reduced levels of transmitters, especially dopamine, impact communication between parts of the brain that support different functions, so information may not be exchanged efficiently to inform behavior in boys with ADHD. The end result could be that they are more impulsive, forgetful, disorganized, and/or less focused. Another important point to consider is that boys with ADHD tend to lag several years behind their peers in many cognitive and social skills. For example, even though your son is a 12-year-old, his self-regulation skills may be more like a 9-year-old’s. Although you want to have standards for your son’s behavior, remember that his behavior is not always under his control. Sometimes he will need additional supports or a very patient and knowledgeable parent to help him rein in some of his behaviors.

When Jack got upset or frustrated with his son, Timmy, he tended to point his index finger at Timmy and shake it up and down as he scolded him. Jack became so frustrated at himself that he was determined to stop this automatic response. One day he decided to write the letters U and P on the edge of his finger. When he got upset and pointed his finger at Timmy, Jack got an automatic visual reminder to have understanding and patience. This simple strategy worked! Jack was able to pause to think about the root of the behavior and how he might help Timmy make a better decision the next time.

Locate Support Personnel

Begin to locate different support personnel, such as educators, counselors, ADHD coaches, and doctors who can serve as resources throughout the years. Part of raising a successful son with ADHD is recognizing that it’s very tough to try to do alone. If your son is going to be successful, at the very minimum you must have his teachers’ support (more about that in later chapters).

Don’t despair if you have limited resources at your local level or are unable to afford those that are available. There are many free online resources available through Children and Adults With AttentionDeficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD; https://chadd.org), ADDitude (https://www.additudemag.com), Child Mind Institute (https://childmind.org), American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (https://www.aacap.org), and Understood (https://www.understood.org/pages/en/learning-thinking-differences).

Prepare for the Long Haul

Educating yourself about ADHD will equip you to be a strong advocate for your child as he moves from one developmental stage to the next. After all, if you don’t go to bat for your young son, who will? (As he matures, ideally you want him to start to advocate for himself, but that will take time, support, and maturation.) No boy I have ever worked with wants to go to school and fail, play sports and get yelled at by the coach, or be excluded from friends’ social activities because he says inappropriate things at the wrong time. Your son needs you to be strong, to be his voice when he is weak, and to encourage others to treat him fairly. Without you, your son can be at a great disadvantage in school, sports, friendships, gatherings, and life. You are a source of encouragement and support that is invaluable. Even though you will become discouraged at times, frustrated by his behavior, and embarrassed by things he does, you love your son—and your son loves you. Your hard work will pay off and you’ll fee...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication Page
• Table of Contents
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• Chapter 1 My Son Has ADHD: Now What?
• Chapter 2 Management and Treatment Options for ADHD
• Chapter 3 Infancy and Preschool
• Chapter 4 The Elementary Years
• Chapter 5 The Teenage Years
• Chapter 6 When More Support Is Needed
• Chapter 7 The Dynamic Action Plan
• References
• About the Author