Clarity Over Conflict

Going The Distance Beyond Distraction

Kristin Pedderson

• Publisher: NorCal Press
• Year: 2020
• Edition: 1
• eBook ISBN:
  9781087875484
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Communication & Public Speaking

CHAPTER ONE
A Life Of Conflict – Finding Clarity

When I was growing up, around the age of eleven, I would hear my parents fighting often. It frightened me and I wondered why. I was given no explanation. Somehow though, I thought we kids were probably the cause.

Eventually my parents divorced, and the fighting stopped. Their relationship was still very strained, and it was apparent, things at home were not going to ever go back to the way they were during happier times.

Shortly following the divorce when I was twelve and thirteen and just beginning high school, Mom would take my brothers and I, to spend time with my Grandmother who lived about seven hours away in a small town.

Because of the distance, usually we would be dropped off for a week. Although there were times, we would just stay the weekend.

Grandma was always very happy to see us. She would cook for us and send us down to the bakery for homemade rolls and walk with us to stores for shopping. However, when we were home in her house, I could feel the tension and it was very real.

You see, Grandma re-married not long before this and apparently, the honeymoon was over. Her husband would fight with her and argue. You could practically see steam rising from the top of his head! I felt like there was plenty of anger coming from him and that she was doing all that she could to make the situation as bearable as possible.

Maybe he was angry that we were coming to stay for the week? We will never know, but the arguing only got worse with time. And we never witnessed a humbling act of forgiveness, or apologies. The fighting occurred daily.

I remember one afternoon, sitting on the living room floor and thinking, I would never live that way. This from my experience watching my parents, and then my grandparents. I asked myself, is this the way relationships are? Is this normal? I was conflicted and confused by the experience. However, I made my mind up at that time, not to live in conflict, when in relationship.

I feel it is important to note findings of studies examining the effects parental fighting can have on kids:

Decreased cognitive performance: A 2013 study on Child Development found that stress associated with living in a high-conflict home may impair a child’s cognitive performance. Researchers found that when parents fought often, kids had more difficulty regulating their attention and emotions. Their ability to rapidly solve problems and quickly see patterns in new information was also compromised.

Increased relationship problems: Being exposed to parents fighting increases the chances that kids will treat others with hostility. Its common kids will begin solving sibling squabbles with the same tactics they’ve witnessed. They may struggle to maintain healthy relationships when they’re older too if they’ve grown accustomed to family discord or they may struggle to identify who they can really trust in life.

Higher rates of behavior problems: Parental conflict has been linked to increased aggression, delinquency, and conduct problems in children. Additionally, children are more likely to have social problems and increased difficulty in adjusting to school.

Increased risk of eating disorders: Several studies have linked eating disorders, such as anorexia and bulimia, to high parental discord.

Higher rates of adolescent substance abuse: Researchers have found that living in a home with high levels of conflict increases the odds of smoking, binge drinking, and marijuana use, relative to a low conflict married-parent family.

Physical effects: A child might even have physical effects from the fighting, such as sleep problems, stomach aches or headaches.

Higher risk of academic problems: Other studies have found that living in a high conflict family increases the odds of dropping out of high school and getting poor grades.

A more negative outlook on life: Children raised in high-conflict homes are more likely to have negative views of family relationships and are more prone to view themselves in a negati...

Table of contents

• Introduction
• CHAPTER ONEA Life Of Conflict – Finding Clarity
• CHAPTER TWOCommunication Leads to Peace
• CHAPTER THREERemembering You Are Loved
• CHAPTER FOURSingle Mindedness Vs. Double Minded Thinking
• CHAPTER FIVERespect Individuality in Yourself and Others
• CHAPTER SIXGoing the Distance – Beyond Distraction
• CHAPTER SEVENLiving On Purpose – One Day At A Time