Uplifting Leaders! How to Have Difficult Conversations that Motivate and Inspire

Aleta Maxwell

• Publisher: Uplifting Leadership
• Year: 2020
• eBook ISBN: 9781936839377
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Business General
• Index: Business

Uplifting Leaders: How to Have Difficult Conversations that Motivate and Inspire will teach you the invaluable skill of clear communication while at work, specifically with your employees and those you manage. Communication is hard conversations is a learned skill that is lost in today's career market. Once learned and developed, this skill will be priceless as you become a better manager and leader.

Have you ever had to prepare for a difficult conversation with those you lead and have no idea what to say or how to say it?

Many conversations in today's work environment destroy trust in work relationships and can have devastating effects in the turnover rate and bottom line.

Instead of trying to simply get through these hard conversations or even avoid them, learn how to capture these amazing opportunities to connect with your team, and build trust through authenticity!

Aleta Maxwell has over two decades of leadership and management experience on various levels from Operations to Human Resources, Directors, and C-suite Executives. She has studied many communication approaches and has dedicated years to practicing how to best lead through communication. Aleta is also a Certified International Executive Coach who tackles these tough topics regularly with her clients.

Aleta is combining her experience and expertise as a communications strategist with her executive coaching skills in this guide on how to have these difficult conversations in a way you can be proud of! Take advantage of learning from her unique perspective and you will begin to have confidence stepping into the inevitable difficult conversations all leaders must have at some point.

In this book, you will learn how to develop your own communication strategy with intention. You will learn successful ways to prepare for as well as have uncomfortable or difficult conversations with your team or staff. Aleta has shared many useful tools to guide you in your leadership through communication.

You will discover how anyone can use the strategies and techniques provided to help their team feel heard, seen, and appreciated. These strategies and techniques will help you thrive in your workplace and reach your goals in your career!

In these pages, you will learn strategies to:

• Lead and engage in hard or difficult conversations while managing others
• Empower others in your communication by learning how to be vulnerable and state clear intentions
• Lean into difficult conversations instead of avoiding them
• Rise to be a better leader by having confidence in your communication skills

Take advantage of the lessons gleaned from years of Aleta's experience and develop leadership skills that will empower your team, create a thriving workplace, and enable you to reach your maximum potential!

Chapter One

Leadership

“When you were made a leader, you weren’t given a crown, you were given the responsibility to bring out the best in others.”

– Jack Welsh¹

Why am I writing this book? Great question. I have over twenty years of leadership experience and I can honestly say that I don’t typically avoid sensitive conversations. I have come to the realization that I’m not normal in this view. I am consistently surprised at the lengths leaders go to in order to avoid hard conversations. Most aren’t comfortable having uncomfortable conversations.

Throughout my career, I’ve noticed most people don’t enjoy debating or having conversations which might take tact and forethought. Most people aren’t even comfortable tackling something they don’t feel they are excellent at doing. Communicating is something that has become increasingly difficult in this technology era. This ability to step into uncomfortable and hard conversations with others is actually a skill, not a personality trait, and sadly, not commonly developed in today’s leaders. This is a shame as there are real consequences for not developing this skill and I want to share the lessons I’ve learned about communication throughout my experience. I believe many leaders can benefit from my experience and in turn, employees will feel valued and appreciated. This will slow turnover rate and ultimately save companies a lot of money. Learning how to communicate is a skill which all too often gets dismissed as being soft and only benefitting the receiver but not the companies’ bottom line. I whole-heartedly disagree.

I’m fortunate that I was raised by two parents who loved to debate. I grew up around a dinner table where we leapt into difficult conversations nightly. As younger children, my siblings and I were shown how to converse on topics we were curious about but didn’t know fully. As I got older and formed my own opinions in my teenage years, I learned how to have civil discourse on topics we disagreed on. My dad loves having discussions where he doesn’t see eye-to-eye with someone. This set me up to be comfortable in uncomfortable discussions. I was also blessed with some amazing leaders early on in my career who took the time to further develop this skill set.

What’s become more evident as I have gotten older is that many did not have these “practice sessions” at their dinner table, or ever. Most were not blessed with mentors who developed this skill in them. More and more emerging leaders are coming up in this age of technology, where difficult conversations are being pushed to primarily an online experience through email or text message.

Those who choose to develop out this communication skill set are those who have a much better chance of excelling in their chosen profession.

Throughout my time in Human Resources, the most common conversations I’ve had are with those who are seeking help to prepare for a conversation they anticipate having or those who have needed help cleaning up a conversation that went poorly. All these individuals had amazing skills that were valuable to the organization they worked for, however their lack of ability to communicate effectively held them back in one way or another. Since this is a subject I feel I excel at, I wanted to offer both emerging and well-established leaders my thoughts on communication as well as the lessons I’ve learned over the years. If you find even one thing I state in this book helpful, then my goal will be achieved.

I have worked in both the restaurant industry as well as in non-profits throughout my career. Many of the examples I offer will be from these two spaces, however, I feel they can be applied to whatever industry you find yourself in. My intention is to help guide those who feel lost when it comes to having difficult conversations with people they work with. I hope you will find this book helpful as you seek out ways to develop your own communication skill set.

Are You a Leader?

If there’s even one person who reports to you, then you should start seeing yourself as a leader. This may be a scary proposition, or you may delight in this label. Getting to the point where we are comfortable calling ourselves a leader may take time.

Regardless of how you feel, if you are in a position where people report to you, it is imperative you start to see yourself as a leader and understand that your behavior affects others dramatically.

I often speak to entry-level managers as well as those entering the Director level who do not behave as though they view themselves as leaders. They are constantly looking to their own superiors for direction rather than seeing themselves as a person whom their subordinates look to for direction.

The first step of leadership communication development is solidifying in your own mind that you are, in fact, a leader. You have so much influence and a wealth of experience to share with your staff/team if you consider yourself a leader from day one.

A 2018 study published by The Work Institute states 11 out of 100 employees leave their employment because of their manager’s behavior.²

How you treat people through your communication can have effects on morale as well as the bottom line.

In this book, we will tackle how to communicate better to ensure your team functions well in order to have high retention of great talent.

Why Good Leadership Matters

“People join because of great vision; people leave because of poor leadership.”

– Ekaterina Walter³

Turnover costs are directly related to poor leadership. A Seedco study published in April of 2017⁴ reports entry-level turnover-cost per employee is approximately $3,300 each. The Work Institute conservatively measures the cost to lose a non-entry-level employee is more likely to be around $15,000. Think about what this means to an organization of your size. Think about the amount of money being spent to rehire and retrain individuals which could be going towards bonuses, training/ development budgets, and additional incentives for your team. This could make a huge difference for your organization!

Below are the turnover rates various industries reported for 2018:

• Technology (software), 13.2%
• Retail and Consumer Products, 13%
• Media and Entertainment, 11.4%
• Professional Services, 11.4%
• Government, Education, Non-Profit, 11.2%
• Financial Services and Insurance, 10.8%
• Telecommunications, 10.8%
• Hospitality, 70%+

The last number is correct. Over seventy percent is the standard industry turnover rate for hospitality.⁵ That is a lot of people being hired, on-boarded, and trained who then leave for another workplace environment.

Regardless of the size of the company you work for, the costs of high turnover rates can add up quickly, affecting the bottom line. While some may feel there is nothing that can be done to mitigate these costs, I argue there is much we can do. Regardless of our level in the organizational chart, we all can play a part in bringing these costs down while retaining great people as employees.

People Don’t Leave a Company, They Leave People

I have a friend, Robert, who works for a fabulous brand and is a brand ambassador. He loves his company and its’ values because they are aligned with his own values. He loves what they do for their guests and how they enhance their guest’s lives. He sings praises about the company and its mission whenever possible. But he’s currently looking for a new job. Why? Because his direct supervisor does not know how to speak with him.

Robert’s supervisor does not know how to appreciate him or how to make Robert feel seen or heard in any conversation. His supervisor gives partial information when directing and does not ask for Robert’s opinion. His supervisor never verbally appreciates Robert. If his supervisor makes a mistake, he doesn’t apologize or even acknowledge that he has made an error.

Robert has gone to his supervisor’s supervisor and voiced his concerns, however, there’s been no change. Because of this, Robert is now looking to leave a brand he loves because of this one person, his supervisor. This brand is about to lose a loyal employee and a hard worker all because his supervisor doesn’t know how to lead in communication well.

Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident. Studies have shown this happens all the time. Companies spend money to find great candidates with pertinent experience and then spend money to onboard and train these employees. The investment made in each new hire goes to waste when they are tasked to report to someone who does not know how to communicate, build trust, motivate, or inspire them to greatness.

The number one way we can retain great people is to ensure they feel seen, heard, and appreciated daily.

Leadership Style

It’s helpful to be aware of what your values are and what type of leader you wish to be. For some of you, this might be very overwhelming. One way to start the process is to look at the leaders you’ve had in the past to see what values or styles you want to emulate as well as values and styles you do not want to incorporate into your own leadership. When I think back to the great leaders I have been fortunate enough to work with, I’m grateful to have learned so much from them. But oddly enough, I learned more from the not-so-great leaders. I learned how not to talk to people, how not to lead meetings, how not to tell somebody there needs to be a pivot on a project. I have witnessed what does not work very well. These experiences have taught me a lot.

You probably have a few personal stories come to mind when you think of healthy and unhealthy leaders. I suggest you recall these moments by getting still and quiet. Write down what your takeaway was in whatever role you were in. Also, write down what lessons are learned now about the good or bad leadership qualities that were portrayed.

Some questions to ask to trigger these memories might be:

• When did you hate going to work?
• What was happening that made you feel this way?
• When was a time you felt that you really “fit” with a team, and why was that?
• When did you feel your best at work, and why was that the case?

Get as specific as you can. Then, create a list of the leadership qualities you would like to emulate, as well as those you want to avoid. This will give you a great foundation to start with and clear intentions moving forward. My suggestion is to keep this list handy to use during times of high stress. The more you become aware of what good leadership looks like (or does not look like) and how it aligns with your values, the better you will be able to show up for your team.

I struggled with seeing myself as a leader when I was younger coming up in restaurant management. I had feelings known as Imposter Syndrome where I felt that since I was not an expert, I should not be the one giving directions or leading the team. This is because I had a misconception that good leaders were authoritarian and needed to have all the right answers. When I started to understand being a leader wasn’t about me, but rather, how I made others feel, I began to get comfortable with seeing myself as a leader.

According to Tony Robbins, #1 NY Times bestselling author, philanthropist, and the nation’s #1 life and business strategist, vital leadership values, traits, or characteristics include:

• Confidence
• Focus
• Honesty
• Positivity
• Decisiveness
• Ability to inspire
• Effective communication
• Accountability
• Empathy
• Humility

There are many different leadership philosophies out there. Many resources are available through books, podcasts, and papers describing these different styles of leadership. To find which philosophy resonates with you, first look inside yourself and figure out what your values are. Be intentional about figuring out what qualities you want to prioritize in your leadership. Once you have those qualities in mind, I suggest you read more about the practical ways you can commit to living these out on a daily basis.

Viewing my leadership style from the perspective of being a support to my team, rather than having all the answers, was how I became more comfortable with my role as a leader. This style is called a Servant Leadership approach. This leadership style has proven to be very effective in my career. It involves evaluating situations based on the needs of others and looking to serve those I work with. It is from this leadership perspective that I write this book. While evaluating the various leadership styles is a very important endeavor, this isn’t one we will tackle too much in this book. I am focusing on the aspect of communication in leadership, but since I believe all we do in leadership should come from an intentional value set, even my communication guidelines come from a Servant Leadership approach.

While thinking through your leadership style, I challenge you to ask yourself how you can best support your team? How can you, as a leader, ensure your team feels seen, heard, and appreciated in order to achieve your goals and attain the best outcomes?

It is when our team feels seen, heard, and appreciated that they will go out of their way to bring their best selves to work daily.

Four Pillars of Leadership

Following my years of experience and hours upon hours of leadership study, these four words are the foundational leadership qualities I aspire to:

1. Uplifting
2. Inspiring
3. Motivating
4. Trustworthy

When I have worked for leaders who were uplifting, I showed up for them at work and strived to stretch myself. Uplifting leaders call others up, not out. They champion and encourage those around them and help their team believe the best of themselves. They help those they lead to see their own potential and then motivate them to strive for that potential.

When I have worked for those who have inspired me, I have absorbed t...

Table of contents

• Introduction
• Chapter One
• Chapter Two
• Chapter Three
• Chapter Four
• Chapter Five
• Chapter Six
• Chapter Seven
• Chapter Eight
• Chapter Nine
• Chapter Ten
• Chapter Eleven