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Chapter 4
āTo be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.ā
āRalph Waldo Emerson
One of the reasons I wrote this book was to capture the stories that make us human. We are all on this journey called life and trying to figure out who we are, who we want to be, and where we fit. Although my impetus for writing started when I struggled to talk about politics, I quicky became aware of how critical it is to have uncomfortable conversations when my mom passed. Everyoneās stories and experiences matter in life. If I can shine a light on others and help us get to know each other better, maybe we can all have more empathy and compassion for each other. Through my work, I have met the most amazing people, and this chapter provides a detailed account of how two inspiring people have come out to their families. I could not imagine a more courageous and scarier thing to do.
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Mark Silverman is a fantastic coach for leaders, and is all about having discussions with people about real life. One of the most challenging things to do in life is to question your identity and self-reflect on who you are, your why, and your purpose. Mark is exceptional at supporting people through this, and conquering his fears and demons makes it possible for him to help others.
āI wanted to die,ā Mark said, point-blank. He was describing sitting on the front steps outside with his kids to tell them he was coming out and felt as if he wanted to die. I asked why he needed to inform his kids. What prompted the decision? He and Robin separated almost four years prior. At this point, he had come out to everyone except for his kids. He felt they were too young and, until they started to ask questions, he would not tell them he was gay. His logic was that when they were ready to ask, they would be ready to know. It would be his tripwire that they did not need to know about his sexuality until they asked.
In January 2013, Markās sons were thirteen and seven. As they were planning Jakeās bar mitzvah, Jake told Robin they would need to add Markās friend to the guest list because āhe and Dad are very close.ā Mark and Robin decided the boys were ready to hear about Markās relationship, which is how Mark found himself on the porch while Robin prayed upstairs in the bedroom. Mark knew that the most painful thing in life would be if a wedge came between him and his sons.
I asked Mark if he had prepared beforehand or if he just decided to tell them the same day of planning the bar mitzvah. He was emphatic, āNo, I had been preparing for months, if not longer.ā He talked to several people and asked for advice on what to do and what not to do.
One of his friends, Dan, said: āYou will not believe anything I say, but it is going to be okay.ā
Being Constant
Mark shared how he and Robin had discussed the best way to approach their separation. They had outlined a plan to help their kids navigate this entire series of changes as best as possible. They both agreed that their jobs were to be a constant presence and the kids may need to flail a bit. When I asked what ābeing constantā meant, he shared the following rituals and rules.
ā¢First, Mark and Robin had agreed to never be negative about each other in front of the kids.
ā¢Second, since separating, Mark and Robin created intentional rituals to preserve their relationships as much as possible. Mark brought croissants over every Sunday morning. They had dinner together every Friday. Mark would take the boys out for pizza every Wednesday. These rituals were vital because they laid the foundation of trust that Mark kept his word when he gave it.
ā¢Third, Mark set boundaries around what he would and would not tolerate from his children. However they chose to act, it would need to be with respect. Always keep your dignity.
ā¢Fourth, Mark had his support network and did not lean on his kids too much.
Mourn the Outcome in Advance
Mark provided insight into how he prepared for this potentially high-risk conversation. A fascinating step Mark took was that he mourned the relationship in advance and accepted that it might take a lot of time to rebuild. His only job was to āshow up, show up, show upā for the kids, and be constant, especially after this conversation. He had to self-reflect and be sure of his intentions. He wanted to be sure that he was sharing this news not to unburden himself, but to be honest with his children. He told me, āI donāt want them to feel lied to.ā His intention moved from unburdening himself to this being about what needs to happen for them to be in an honest relationship.
In the book, Difficult Conversations, the authors share: āLearning that you canāt control the other personās reaction and that it can be destructive to try, can be incredibly liberating. It not only gives the other person the s...
